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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend got married

257 replies

Shockedgirl · 01/08/2018 21:25

Not sure what I’m looking for here but in shock and could do with some virtual support.

I have been seeing a guy since April, it’s been going well. Nice dates, lots of texts, long phone calls etc. He’s stayed over at mine when my kids have been away and we had a chat about being exclusive. He’d been telling me for a
while that he had a two week holiday booked and a few weeks beforehand he said that he wouldn’t be contactable during the holiday. With the benefit of hindsight that now seems a bit odd but at the time I didn’t really give it much thought.
Anyway since he went I have noticed that he has been online on WhatsApp a lot which is odd as he said he wasn’t going to be able to access it at all due to lack of internet etc.

Long story short, I did some digging and low and behold, the holiday was actually him getting married! There is nothing about it on his Facebook or insta but loads of pics on his new wife’s account and other family members. I just feel completely shocked and very hurt. I discovered it last night and in my initial shock and upset I thought I should send a message to his wife letting her know what he is actually like but I didn’t and now in the cold light of day I just think that would be an awful thing to do to her just after her wedding.

I just feel totally physically sick that I have been involved in this. I have looked at the pics and they look so happy and I am just so gutted that he isn’t the man I thought he was and also that I have been caught up in something so bloody awful and that I have fallen for it. I haven’t contacted him and I have blocked his number so he can’t contact me. I’ll be fine and obviously it wasn’t a very long time that we were together but I’m just feeling really crap and in shock.

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 02/08/2018 07:09

Make a fake FB profile, send all the information, screen shots, etc...and just say I think you should know and I'm sorry as I was unaware of you until now. Also, I would add you don't know if you are the only one he did this too and that you plan on being tested and she should do so as well. Tell her you won't contact her further but if she wants more information you will provide it but are not out to hurt her but feel that she should know her new marriage is based on lies

I agree with this.

What a scumbag this guy is! I'm wondering if he would have contacted you after the two weeks. It might be worth unblocking him just to find out. It could add weight to your claim if the wife disputes your (true) version of events.

sueelleker · 02/08/2018 07:10

Do you think he was planning to get back in contact when he got back from his "holiday"?

FuckPants · 02/08/2018 07:14

Lots of bad advice here. After all how many people have not had previous relationships before they were married? In today's world I would say zero.

Hmm

I've never been in a relationship with one person whilst getting married to another so WTF is your point?

plusonefail · 02/08/2018 07:16

Usually I’d lean towards not tells by the wife if you’ve found out you’re the other woman. However, in this case I really believe that you need to tell her and to tell her very quickly. She may be able to anull he marriage so she needs to know ASAP. He WILL keep doing it but with a different woman and it could be years before she finds it it and by that time she’ll have kids with him. Far better to give her the facts now and then she can make a choice.

I know it’s unpleasant but I don’t think hiding behind a fake account is the way forward - I think you have to tough it out and let her see who you are. Explain that you had no idea. Let her ask questions if she needs to (you can always block her if she becomes abusive or excessive in contact). None of this is your fault - you have nothing to hide or be ashamed of.

Original poster
Shockedgirl · 02/08/2018 07:17

I really don’t want to unblock him as I just feel sick at the thought of any contact with him and I don’t know what to say to him. I did think I should just send a message telling him I know about the wedding but I just can’t face it. I know it sounds really awful and selfish but I just want to pretend none of this has happened and just carry on with my life. I know the morally right thing to do would be to tell her but I don’t have the mental energy to get it all together at the moment and formulate it. Also a few people have said get tested at the clinic. We used condoms. Do I still need to get tested?

OP posts:
Shortstuff08 · 02/08/2018 07:17

Personally I wouldn't do the fake Facebook account bit. He will use that to help prove it's all bollocks.

I would send her all the info, then block them both. If contact is made by someone on their behalf. Message and say anymore contact And you will report for harassment. Then block.

burnoutbabe · 02/08/2018 07:22

I am not sure you can just send her a message on Facebook, if you are not Facebook friends as it then goes, unnotified, into the "other" messages folder and will probably never be seen.
So if you want to contact her, it will have to be another way.

DonutCone · 02/08/2018 07:23

Is missed actually on glue? WTF is this 'ex girlfriends don't dictate to wives' Jesus some people would have been very at home in the Handmaids Tale.

How can people not get that he is a cheating wanker?

Bluntness100 · 02/08/2018 07:29

What always, without fail, happens with these threads op is someone posts what you post and everyone shouts tell rhe wife.

Then the wife posts and says somone told me my husband was seeing her and everyone shouts, she's a lying crazy bitch ignore her.

It's one of rhe undisputed and unfathomable mysteries of mumsnet.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 02/08/2018 07:29

missed don't be ridiculous. A harassment charge? The op has proof that she is not just an ex from a years ago

Please find extract from Internet

"The police sometimes issue warning notices to individuals where there are allegations of harassment. This note explains what these are and why they are used. Constituents sometimes ask about the status of Police Information Notices (PINs) which the police may issue where there are allegations of harassment.Oct 11, 2016"

My ex received such notice resulting from numerous photos and texts sent to new partner

fortygin · 02/08/2018 07:32

Hi Shockedgirl,
I had somewhat similar happen from the other perspective.
My exh of 15 years was having an affair. We had a family holiday booked with our four dc. He spun the OW a story that my dad had had a heart attack and I had to fly to be by his side so exh had to look after his kids while 'the ex wife was away'.
Ow too did her digging as she was suspicious and dumped him.
She DID tell me. I respect her for telling me but the way she did was awful and caused so much pain and hurt, if you want to talk over how and if to tell please feel free to ask me.
This is NOT your fault and I'm so so sorry for your pain.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 02/08/2018 07:32

*Is missed actually on glue? WTF is this 'ex girlfriends don't dictate to wives' Jesus some people would have been very at home in the Handmaids Tale.

How can people not get that he is a cheating wanker?*

Maybe he is, but what does the OP intend to achieve by communication with wife? Move an and look elsewhere is my advice to OP. Life moves forwards not backwards.

SmileSweetly · 02/08/2018 07:33

I'm so sorry this has happened to you Thanks

What a bastard! You dodged a bullet there.

Your first priority should be to yourself and your DC, have a lovely holiday together and look after yourself.

If you do not have the energy to tackle telling the wife then don't, and do not feel guilty about it. You need to look after yourself. The truth will come out to her eventually, I don't think she's likely to listen to you now anyway, newly wed and just back from her honeymoon etc.

strawberrry · 02/08/2018 07:36

No advice OP but very sorry this has happened to you x

LotsToThinkOf · 02/08/2018 07:38

I presume you know where he lives? I'd print screenshots of everything off, photos and proof of your relationship. Blank your face out and your name. The stick it in an envelope addressed to his wife and put it through the door, job done. You don't need to unblock him or even speak to him.

Don't send him any messages at all, don't tell him you know about the wedding and don't contact anyone about it. His wife is entitled to know but he'll just give her the spiel about being stressed about the wedding etc, etc, etc and she'll probably believe him since they've just got married.

You didn't know before, that's not your fault. I'm sorry this has happened.

cakecakecheese · 02/08/2018 07:38

I get why you don't want to do anything just yet, it's been a massive shock for you and it sounds like you're just trying to keep things together so you and your children can have a nice holiday. Have you told anyone IRL? If not do you have a friend who you can confide in? Like I said this is a massive shock for you and I do think you need to talk it through with someone.

FuckPants · 02/08/2018 07:40

*Please find extract from Internet

"The police sometimes issue warning notices to individuals where there are allegations of harassment. This note explains what these are and why they are used. Constituents sometimes ask about the status of Police Information Notices (PINs) which the police may issue where there are allegations of harassment.Oct 11, 2016"

My ex received such notice resulting from numerous photos and texts sent to new partner*

Yes, multiple, not one fucking message Hmm

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/08/2018 07:41

My es rceived such notice resulting from numerous photos and tests sent to the new partner

Was it to inform the person they’d been cheated on or just to harass them? The former sounds ok as a one off FYI, the latter not.

Laineymc7 · 02/08/2018 07:41

I’d normally say don’t get involved but if he’s doing this the week leading up to his wedding he’ll be doing it while there married and even more so if they have kids. Id tell her. It will be awful for her but better that now than the next person coming to tell her that when she’s 6 months pregnant to the bastard. Sorry OP none of this is your fault.

ShootingQuadrantids · 02/08/2018 07:41

Hi OP sorry that this shit of man has put you and his new wife in this dreadful situation. I'm going to say that I'd actually contact him. Tell him you know and that you don't want anything more to do with him! He'll be shitting himself on his honeymoon and that for me would be revenge! Oh and I'd do it as soon as possible to make for maximum suffering on his part.

SmileSweetly · 02/08/2018 07:44

@MissedTheBoatAgain

I think you're confused as you keep referring to the OP as an ex girlfriend and that her ex boyfriend has 'moved on'.

  1. He was engaged to someone else when he met OP
  2. He started a relationship with OP while he was still engaged and planning his wedding
  3. He was sleeping with OP and discussing their relationship and it's future
  4. He made plans to continue a relationship with OP on return from his honeymoon

So no, he hasn't simply moved on, he was cheating on his wife as well as the OP. No wonder she is blindsided and hurt.

The moral dilemma OP is facing is whether or not to tell his wife he is a cheater (she's not planning on harassing her) her goal here would not be to split them up, but just give the wife the truth and let her decide about her own marriage.

A lot of posters in here have been cheated on and would have liked to have known the truth about their cheating partners.

DonutCone · 02/08/2018 07:47

missed are you normally this belligerent? He is/was having an affair. The poor wife deserves to know what the fuck she has just married. I think the vast majority of women would want to know.

The OP is not some crazed ex girlfriend trying to upset the poor little flower of a wife. I'd bet you've been the wife and have convinced yourself some 'tramp' of a girl trapped your man but luckily what with you being the wife, you have managed to 'keep' him.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 02/08/2018 07:51

Was it to inform the person they’d been cheated on or just to harass them? The former sounds ok as a one off FYI, the latter no

Photos of wedding and holidays with family before divorce. Copies of texts exchanged between myself and wife before divorce. Even copy of Consent Order. Not sure what ex was trying to achieve as divorce was in 2016 and new partner received the photos and text only a few weeks ago.

No denying what this guy has done is bad, but think it is best to move on.

Ingalia · 02/08/2018 07:52

I read this as that he was from a different culture and had gone abroad to get married - ie an arranged marriage, which would throw a different light onto things. If I'm right, it's still shitty that he didn't tell you, as surely he must have known, but perhaps familial expectation is very different from his heart's desires?

NaturalBornWoman · 02/08/2018 07:54

How did you know who she was to look at her account? And if you knew his family members to look at, did they know about you? Did you meet them?