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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend got married

257 replies

Shockedgirl · 01/08/2018 21:25

Not sure what I’m looking for here but in shock and could do with some virtual support.

I have been seeing a guy since April, it’s been going well. Nice dates, lots of texts, long phone calls etc. He’s stayed over at mine when my kids have been away and we had a chat about being exclusive. He’d been telling me for a
while that he had a two week holiday booked and a few weeks beforehand he said that he wouldn’t be contactable during the holiday. With the benefit of hindsight that now seems a bit odd but at the time I didn’t really give it much thought.
Anyway since he went I have noticed that he has been online on WhatsApp a lot which is odd as he said he wasn’t going to be able to access it at all due to lack of internet etc.

Long story short, I did some digging and low and behold, the holiday was actually him getting married! There is nothing about it on his Facebook or insta but loads of pics on his new wife’s account and other family members. I just feel completely shocked and very hurt. I discovered it last night and in my initial shock and upset I thought I should send a message to his wife letting her know what he is actually like but I didn’t and now in the cold light of day I just think that would be an awful thing to do to her just after her wedding.

I just feel totally physically sick that I have been involved in this. I have looked at the pics and they look so happy and I am just so gutted that he isn’t the man I thought he was and also that I have been caught up in something so bloody awful and that I have fallen for it. I haven’t contacted him and I have blocked his number so he can’t contact me. I’ll be fine and obviously it wasn’t a very long time that we were together but I’m just feeling really crap and in shock.

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 02/08/2018 21:34

In view of your last post, OP, I'd leave well alone. You've been through enough Flowers

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/08/2018 21:36

Leave it some op, it wasn't your mistake, you don't need the drama

Lick your wounds, and keep on keeping on 💐

Mytwistedimagination · 02/08/2018 21:56

So many replies, so I may have missed your answer OP.

If you were in the wife's position, would you want to know?

And there is your answer.

Samewitches · 02/08/2018 22:06

In that case Shocked please remember that you have no obligation towards the wife. If you want to just cut contact with him and go off and live your own life that's fine. You don't OWE her anything, he does. It'd be very very shitty of you to carry on now you know but as you have no intention of doing so you can walk away and never say a word if you prefer. I did post earlier saying I'd want to know and that you should tell her but that only really applies if it is at no cost to you. She'll find out another way that he's a cheating lying arsehole, no doubt about that.

SandyY2K · 03/08/2018 01:42

When people say don't tell the wife she probably already knows...if that's true...then she'll be cool about it won't she? So no harm done.

However, you can't assume she knows based on absolutely no evidence if that. It's not logical and lacks rationale.

All the talk of she'll find out sooner or later...Not necessarily...some cheaters are very smart...though I have to say he wasn't one of them.

A seasoned cheater would have had a burner phone he used for you and you'd have never seen him online. Or he'd have simply changed his settings so nobody could see his online status. He's not very bright in that regard.

So who knows maybe he'll be caught in a few years time when they have kids and she's a SAHM...and she won't leave (even though she wants to) because of the kids and no money like so many women on MN.

I'd want to know if I were her, however if you decide not to tell her...just keep him blocked and ghost him. No need to see or talk to him again and carry on with your life.

I can understand you not wanting the drama and stress...as you have children.

bethy15 · 03/08/2018 09:47

I understand you not wanting any drama due to your past.

However, you experienced past abuse, don't just sit back while another woman is being subjected to awful treatment by their partner too. Along with everything else he's putting her at risk for STD's, HIV or AIDS.

Don't expose yourself, write an anonymous note, you don't even have to say 'I am the other woman' if you don't like. But tell her he's had a relationship all the while they were clearly engaged.
It will at least plant a seed of doubt in her mind, and she can go from there and you can wash your hands of them all and know you at least told her.

forumdonkey · 03/08/2018 11:24

OP until you did some digging you were in a relationship with this man. Did you have any photos of you both on fb? If not, I'd put some on but definitely make them public. You too have been deceived by him. You are as innocent in this as his DW. Just as you found out, hopefully she will too

HouseworkIsASin10 · 03/08/2018 12:21

I'd want to know but in your case OP I'd just forget about it.

After your last post it's not worth the hassle. You've done nothing wrong so why should you be in turmoil over telling his wife. It's not your responsibility.

Bazzlebear · 03/08/2018 13:10

Will people please stop with the whole "it's not your responsibility" "you don't owe her anything" bullshit? Is that really the world you want to live in?

This week a woman collapsed (having a miscarriage) in public in front of me. I was the only person who went to help, everyone else just stared. I presume everyone else thought it wasn't their responsibility, didn't owe her anything, bla bla bla...

Life shouldn't be lived based on what you owe people or what they owe you. We ALL have a duty to do the right thing, not just what benefits us most. I'm genuinely shocked that people can be so blase about being so selfish.

bethy15 · 03/08/2018 13:20

Sadly Bazzlebear, these are the times we live in. I saw an old man fall off of crutches, I was walking into a shop, four people ahead of me, all walked right in, then I saw him and went over to help. I realised that everyone walking in front of me had seen him but carried on walking into the shop.

I completely agree with you, and agree with 'what we owe to each other' instead of living by the code of only worrying about ourselves.

confusedfriend101013 · 03/08/2018 13:23

Firstly, I'm sorry you are going through this, how awful for you and for his poor wife whom is blissfully unaware of what a cheating pig he is. Imagine having that for a husband. Personally, I wouldn't tell the wife, probably more so for selfish reasons, I wouldn't want the drama at my door.

I would do what was suggested above though, I would post a congratulations message to his wall and he will shit himself, he will spend his honeymoon feeling sick to his stomach with worry (poor him ha!)

I wouldn't send him any private messages at the moment, I would wait until he is back from his honeymoon only because this will give you a few weeks to decide how you want to go forward with this, do you want to forget him, heal yourself and move on or do you want to let the wife know. Give yourself time before deciding.

Big hugs!

AdidasGirl · 03/08/2018 14:00

Now that it's made the papers..She might wonder if it's her?

bethy15 · 03/08/2018 14:07

AG. Ooops, I didn't see that, but googled 'boyfriend got married' and that alone comes up with the story.

I doubt the woman will think it's her, however, this gives the OP and great 'out'.

She can print this story off, send a copy to the woman, and just pop in a note and say 'This is you!'. That's problem solved for her without even having to think of what to say.

I wonder if he's seen it though>

Clairetree1 · 03/08/2018 14:20

This week a woman collapsed (having a miscarriage) in public in front of me. I was the only person who went to help, everyone else just stared. I presume everyone else thought it wasn't their responsibility, didn't owe her anything, bla bla bla

but this is just a social pheomena, any one of those people would most likely have rushed to help if they hd been there alone.

Nothing to do with times, or attitudes at all, its very well known that if something like this happens in front of a group of people, each individual will look around to see if someone more capable or better qualified steps forward first.

If no one else is there, that doesn't happen whoever IS there helps.

HughLauriesStubble · 03/08/2018 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 03/08/2018 14:41

This week a woman collapsed (having a miscarriage) in public in front of me. I was the only person who went to help, everyone else just stared. I presume everyone else thought it wasn't their responsibility, didn't owe her anything, bla bla bla

That is a totally different scenario to the OP's dilemma. Of course I would jump up and help if something was happening there and then. But this is after the event, when there isn't an urgent need to do something. The OP has got time to consider her options.

bethy15 · 03/08/2018 15:09

but this is just a social pheomena, any one of those people would most likely have rushed to help if they hd been there alone.

Not so Claire, did you not see my post saying four people had walked past an elderly man who had fallen to the ground off of his crutches. When I reached him they had all walked into the shop, nobody stepped forward, they didn't see me do it as I was behind them.

It's pretty easy to now tell this woman.

The OP has the wife's social media usernames now. All she needs to do is create a false account and link in the article on one of her posts with a simple- this is you.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/08/2018 20:19

but this is just a social pheomena, any one of those people would most likely have rushed to help if they hd been there alone.

It's called "bystander apathy" - everyone is uncertain how to react, and so ignores. Once one person responds, others tend to follow suit.

Ventiamore · 03/08/2018 23:46

It's called "bystander apathy" - everyone is uncertain how to react, and so ignores. Once one person responds, others tend to follow suit.
Also happens in cases like OP's. Once DW finds out her new husband is a cheating scumbag, there will be others who noticed things at the time but didn't like to mention it. Happened to me (and others I've known, and also read about on here).

slovenlys · 04/08/2018 00:07

OP I have such a similar story!

I was dating a guy I had met on holiday who, back at home, loved only an hour away.

He kept going on that he didn't sleep with a woman until eight dates (errrrr ok??) I just enjoyed the nice dinners and company. Around date five - yes, he was counting them down- he invited me away to the Caribbean. I said no (as he knew I would) and he said "ok then I'm going to go with the boys"

He Skyped me THE MORNING of his flight saying how much he wished I was going with him... how it would've counted as numerous dates (wink wink).

Anyway, a couple of days later he changed his profile picture to A PICTURE OF HIM AND HIS WIFE. It was a destination wedding!!!!!!! The bloody cheek of it!

QuoadUltra · 04/08/2018 05:15

However, you experienced past abuse, don't just sit back while another woman is being subjected to awful treatment by their partner too. Along with everything else he's putting her at risk for STD's, HIV or AIDS.

This is shocking victim blaming. Are you seriously trying to make the OP responsible for this man passing on STDs? And trying to use the OPs backstory of abuse to manipulate her to act?

bethy15 · 04/08/2018 06:48

This is shocking victim blaming. Are you seriously trying to make the OP responsible for this man passing on STDs? And trying to use the OPs backstory of abuse to manipulate her to act?

I don't intend to victim blame, but I think knowing what she knows it's the right thing to do, and it can all be anonymous.

Of course it wouldn't be the OP's fault if he passed something on, but it's still a very real possibility and not something that should be overlooked in the decision making.

unadventuretime · 04/08/2018 06:51

Another vote here for gathering all the evidence and contacting his wife.

QuoadUltra · 04/08/2018 06:52

It is victim blaming.

And as for ‘the right thing to do’, using abuse and vulnerability to get someone to do anything is not ok.

The OP is not responsible for this man’s shit. At all. In any way.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 04/08/2018 07:46

If his guy had STD before he married then the new wife has grounds for annulment.