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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend got married

257 replies

Shockedgirl · 01/08/2018 21:25

Not sure what I’m looking for here but in shock and could do with some virtual support.

I have been seeing a guy since April, it’s been going well. Nice dates, lots of texts, long phone calls etc. He’s stayed over at mine when my kids have been away and we had a chat about being exclusive. He’d been telling me for a
while that he had a two week holiday booked and a few weeks beforehand he said that he wouldn’t be contactable during the holiday. With the benefit of hindsight that now seems a bit odd but at the time I didn’t really give it much thought.
Anyway since he went I have noticed that he has been online on WhatsApp a lot which is odd as he said he wasn’t going to be able to access it at all due to lack of internet etc.

Long story short, I did some digging and low and behold, the holiday was actually him getting married! There is nothing about it on his Facebook or insta but loads of pics on his new wife’s account and other family members. I just feel completely shocked and very hurt. I discovered it last night and in my initial shock and upset I thought I should send a message to his wife letting her know what he is actually like but I didn’t and now in the cold light of day I just think that would be an awful thing to do to her just after her wedding.

I just feel totally physically sick that I have been involved in this. I have looked at the pics and they look so happy and I am just so gutted that he isn’t the man I thought he was and also that I have been caught up in something so bloody awful and that I have fallen for it. I haven’t contacted him and I have blocked his number so he can’t contact me. I’ll be fine and obviously it wasn’t a very long time that we were together but I’m just feeling really crap and in shock.

OP posts:
Shortstuff08 · 02/08/2018 04:42

My cousins wife did this to him cheated leading up to the wedding and then after.

I am not 100% that he managed it, but I am sure he looked at getting marriage annulled.

I would wait until a but til everyone is back from their holidays and tell her.

But the decision is yours.

FatCow2018 · 02/08/2018 04:44

I'd tell her. I'd send screenshots of the messages and photos and lay it on the line for her. Yes she will be angry, but one day she will be thankful for it. Sorry OP, what a shit Sad

usernameismyusername · 02/08/2018 05:13

Set up a fake Facebook account and send her information and screen shots. She needs to know and you both need to get tested. There's no way to know if he's been seeing other people too.

SoaringSwallow · 02/08/2018 05:27

If you set up a fake account, tell her it's fake and you only set it up to tell her.

If it was me, I'd not exactly be thankful to know, I'd be devastated, but ultimately I'd be glad I knew. I'd absolutely hate to find out later. This happened to a close friend of mine. Being the last to find out made her feel absolutely stupid. And knocked her self-esteem down the drain: not only did he treat her like shit, but her life wasn't given the same value by those around her as his was. His right to cheat was given more value than her right to not live a lie.

I don't think many people here think you're obliged to tell her, more pointing out that they'd like to know, even though nobody wants that news.

However, I'd also unblock him and see if he gets in touch. I'd even arrange to meet him as usual(but not do it). Then I'd send evidence pre and post marriage to his wife.Guaranteed he's going to tell her that it's all over if he can't get in touch with you after the wedding because he's blocked.

Monny1 · 02/08/2018 05:30

I don’t think l would tell her. You will worry about the whole situation. He’s the one in the wrong. As someone said, she will probably think that you are the jealous and trying to cause problems. Enjoy your holiday with your children and forget about that loser! You have one life live it. I’m sure he will get his comeuppance. Karma can be a bitch as they say!

MissedTheBoatAgain · 02/08/2018 05:32

To OP

Lots of bad advice again. If you start sending photos and setting up fake accounts you are open to being charged for harassment.

He has moved on and so should you. Let the new wife find out in her own time whether or not she has married a bad one.

Mytwistedimagination · 02/08/2018 05:36

I hope you have a lovely holiday with your kids OP.
But when you get back I hope you get your evidence together and notify the wife. I'm (yet another) wife who found out about the cheating years after the fact. I can't express how much I wish I'd known at the time. I feel like a complete idiot because it was so easy for him to lie and cheat behind my back, to continue lying for years. And because of the knowledge that he's capable of that, and lied for so long, everything in between is suspect. It's a horrible way to live, but so many years of partnership and associated things mean it is so much harder to separate now, with so much more to lose, and little chance of recovery (self esteem, financially, emotionally, materialistically) in these later years.
Please tell her, she deserves to make a choice about her own life based on the facts. So much easier to recover now than 20 years down the line.

chestylarue52 · 02/08/2018 05:46

OP I’m going to go against the grain here and say you can do whatever you feel is right for you. You’ve had a horrific experience and if you want to just forget it and move on then do that. You don’t owe this woman anything, and your children have to be your top priority.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 02/08/2018 05:46

Please tell her, she deserves to make a choice about her own life based on the facts. So much easier to recover now than 20 years down the line

The underlined section is correct. The rest is not. Ex girlfriends are not entitled to dictate to wives.

FatCow2018 · 02/08/2018 06:10

missed, again, have you read the OP?! As far he as knows, she still IS the girlfriend! She isn't his jealous ex! He is seeing her WHILST married!!

LunaLovegoodsRadishes · 02/08/2018 06:13

I wouldn't tell her. You found out what a shitty person your boyfriend is, and you have blocked him on your phone and social media. I wouldn't resort to sly tactics either. I'd leave it and let his wife discover what a shitty husband she has. You don't want to come off as a troublemaker. Leave well alone and move on. Enjoy your holiday with your kids Flowers.

lapenguin · 02/08/2018 06:14

I know you don't want to tell her before your holiday, but the sooner you do it the sooner she can act legally.
If he notices you've blocked him he will know he's rumbled and do damage control before you've even told her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/08/2018 06:15

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. If you are going to tell her, I would unblock your phone and try to get a date stamped text out of him to prove he wants to continue with you. I know that is a big ask so fully appreciate you probably won’t want to.

As for telling her, this is absolutely your choice. Personally I would want to know. However, it is ultimately your decision whether or not you say something. This is your life and your peace of mind. All I would say is if you are going to do so, I wouldn’t wait more than a couple of months otherwise it will come across as spiteful and vengeful.

I thought the idea of setting up a dummy account was a very good one. I don’t understand why in doing so you set yourself up for harassment. But I do not know the law on this. If you bombarded her, that would be different.

There will be someone out there deserving of your love and kindness. Flowers

MissedTheBoatAgain · 02/08/2018 06:23

missed, again, have you read the OP?! As far he as knows, she still IS the girlfriend! She isn't his jealous ex! He is seeing her WHILST married!!

The new wife will very likely see it as being a Jealous ex. Sending photos, setting up dummy accounts, etc., all smells of Jealousy. If done too often could lead to a harassment charge.

Shortstuff08 · 02/08/2018 06:25

missed don't be ridiculous. A harassment charge? The op has proof that she is not just an ex from a years ago.

And giving the woman the information is not harassment. You need to Google harassment and find out what it is.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/08/2018 06:28

@missedtheboatagain the OP wasn't an "ex girlfriend" she was a current girlfriend, with a BF she met online dating. While all the time he was planning his wedding to his now wife. The two relationships were concurrent, not consecutive. (Through no fault of the OP)

OP what a horrible shock. I wouldn't do anything just now. Go away and try and enjoy your holiday and gather your thoughts

annandale · 02/08/2018 06:28

I agree with the pp who said you should do what's best for you. I would want just to leave the whole episode in the past and I don't think you have any obligation to hurt yourself further or worry about it. Just do what you need to do to heal.

'Ex girlfriends can't dictate to wives' - yuk. This is not about women in a hierarchy.

FolderReformedScruncher · 02/08/2018 06:31

The advice of SoaringSwallow at 05.27 is exactly what I would do in your shoes OP.

YaLoVeras · 02/08/2018 06:37

Contacting somebody ONCE couldn't be harrassment.

But I agree with ''do what's best for you'' advice.

I would throw a sandbag over board and tell her on facebook. Do it once. Then when she's seen it, block the pair of them.

NerrSnerr · 02/08/2018 06:51

I think you need to get STD tested (who knows who else he's been shagging) and if anything comes up the wife needs to know as she may be TTC.

If not I'd just send him a message saying how you know and you'll be telling his wife, with proof. Let him worry about that.

Cutietips · 02/08/2018 06:51

I’m always amazed in these threads how many people are invested in arguing that they shouldn’t tell the wife. She should somehow find out. How the hell, given that these people are accomplished liars? I understand warning the OP of possible repercussions fine, but telling her she shouldn’t tell the wife, I don’t get it. Who cares if the wife thinks she’s jealous? If she does it from a fake account, she can take it down again a little while afterwards, having given wife time to respond, ask any questions etc.

Wouldn’t you want to know you’ve been living a lie? And as for the children, why is it better to find out at 12 your dad’s a cheating scumbag than at five? In the OP’s case the wife can find out before she has children. That’s got to be better.

OP, please give her the information. It’s not your best friend so you’re not losing anything by doing it. And one day, she might just thank you.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 02/08/2018 06:51

I’m so sorry, what a shock for you. What a wanker.

I know you have said you don’t want to, but I think you should tell her before your holiday, get it over with, then you can spend your holiday putting it behind you instead of having it hang over you.

She deserves to know so she can decide what she wants to do about it. Of course it’s going to be horrible for her, but what he has done is what’s horrible, not the being told (iyswim). She deserves the opportunity to get rid before she has children with him.

I’m sorry the wanker has done this to both of you 🌷

Patchworkflock · 02/08/2018 06:59

I reckon missed is the boyfriend. Ridiculous and erroneous comments.

OP. Tell her. I think that the fact they don’t have kids yet means you should tell her. I can see you don’t want the hassle and I completely understand, the tosser has caused you enough grief already but you are doing it for her not him. You owe him nothing. She deserves to know while she can still leave. The fact that he was cheating in the run up to his wedding speaks volumes about his commitment to married life. You may be the first but you won’t be the last affair. You can spare her years of pain. Good luck to you going forward and I am sorry this has happened to you. Have a wonderful holiday with your kids Flowers.

nervousnails · 02/08/2018 07:02

So, what did he say when you had a 'chat' about being exclusive? If you weren't exclusive then it certainly means he could be seeing someone else as well??

I'd unblock him. If he contacts again, screenshot the messages and then contact his wife. Why contact her now, when you probably may come across as jealous?

Tropicana123 · 02/08/2018 07:07

Also couldn't agree more with SoarSwallow

I'd need to unblock him and see his next move. It could give u further proof to show his wife

So sorry this had happened to u Flowers

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