Married but in love with another man - please help

[Dandylie]

I really hope someone can help as I am falling apart over this.

I have been married to DH for 5 years (together for 8) and we have 2 young DC. DH is a really good man. He’s funny, charming, honourable, kind, and is a great Dad. He’s probably the most well-liked man I know and we have a great lifestyle. But some resentment has crept into our marriage as he doesn’t earn much (has his own small business), I don’t feel is working hard enough and is hopeless with money. I am far and away the main breadwinner (and work very long hours because in a job I don’t really like) and have begun to lose respect for him. I feel a bit like I have three children sometimes. We haven’t had sex in nearly 3 years - I just don’t want to, even though I still find DH handsome. To show you what a good man DH is, he hasn’t got angry or pressured me about that, although he obviously misses sex very much.

My ex got in touch for the first time in a while a few months ago - we went out nearly 25 years ago and he was my first love (although perhaps infatuation is a better word as I was only 17 and we only went out for 6 months). I was beyond devastated when we broke up, never really got over him and we have always been in touch since and occasionally met up - sometimes years have gone by between contact but I thought of him very often. He was always in a long term relationship, then married, so although it was clear we were always attracted to each other nothing really happened (although it did occasionally).

Fast forward to now, he is divorced and we have met up a few times and are in daily contact. We have kissed and it went a bit further on one occasion (although not sex). I am not very proud of this.

I am completely besotted with him and I don’t know what to do. I think about him every minute of the day and it’s made me feel even further apart from DH.

Would I be mad to be considering leaving DH to be with my ex - not that my ex has asked me to, although he’s told me (when I asked) that if I was single he would want to be with me. I have no idea if I can trust my ex - truth is I don’t know him that well. I actually feel he is pulling away a bit now, as I keep changing my mind about what I want.

I would be putting my own wants ahead of my DH and my children - I can’t do that can I? Is it normal to feel this way in a marriage?

I can’t sleep, I have lost so much weight and I can’t concentrate on work. I can’t find joy in anything unless it is my ex texting me. I feel like I have gone a bit mad in truth.

If anyone could give me some advice I would really appreciate it.

Either work at your marriage or leave. Your ex is just a nightmare waiting to happen. If you leave your marriage, leave because it is over not for someone else. You are playing with fire and could lose everything.

Options are:
1)Leave - regardless of what happens with other man. You clearly are unhappy in your marriage.
2)Tell your DH so he can decide whether he wants to stay with you or not.
3)End the affair and put all your energy into your marriage.

I think you see your ex as a way out of your marriage; your ex hasn’t asked you to leave your husband. Be careful.

Firstly why is he an ex ?

Secondly why did his marriage end ?

Have a trial separation/sabbatical from the marriage? Six months were you can both do whatever you want with whoever you want. At the end of six months you will have your answer. Either (or indeed both!) of you might have met someone else and be glad that you took this risk. Or neither of you will have met anyone you want as a life partner and you will miss each other and want to get back together.

It's a risk but it might actually rekindle the marriage.

I know a couple who did a similar thing. She had an affair which he appeared to forgive but then went on to have a revenge affair. They both had about a year apart. They then decided they wanted to try at the marriage again and went to counselling. They stayed together. The grass is not always greener.

Letsdolunch321 He broke up with me when he was 17. It wasn’t a proper relationship really - we only saw each other once a week (he lived 30 mins away from me and we couldn’t drive). Then he went out with one girl for 6 years, then immediately met another girl, moved to Wales and went on to marry her. He did sleep with me once when he was going out with her (had been texting me to say he wasn’t sure about her, or living in Wales, and wanted to spend some time with me) but ultimately chose to stay with her.

The divorce - she wanted to get divorced, apparently he didn’t want to have sex with her (he said he just went off it with her) and he said he was too focussed on his job and didn’t pay her enough attention. They never had children so I guess splitting up is easier in that scenario. I know he was sad she divorced him.

I understand how you feel. Would you be happier leaving your dh? Maybe you should talk to him about your feelings.

Your ex is an escape.

I second the trial separation suggestion. Much healthier than pinning your hopes on getting with the ex and you may find that you’re actually happier with neither of them.

OK - your ex has at least 2 broken marriages behind him - I wonder why? He is playing you - don't fall for it.

As to your OH - does he deserve this? Do your children? - should you drag them into a messy re-relationship with your ex?

Well - clearly no. Make up your mind - grow up - you have responsibilities.

We are all attracted to other men during the course of marriage - it is human nature.It is what we do about it that matters.

And as to your poor OH - you have lost respect for him because he earns less than you. Shame on you - you are supposed to be a team - earning money is not the only contribution he can make to family life. It sounds as though he is tolerating a great deal in order to honour his responsibilities to your children.

I honestly think that you have to either work at this marriage or try and organise a civilised separation that does not cause your children unnecessary pain - which probably means steering well clear of the ex.

Seriously; you are being very silly and juvenile. Marriage break-ups happen and are often the right thing to do. But flirting with an ex with no thought of your children is just ridiculous.

Your ex doesn't want you. So forget about him. Decide whether you want to be in your marriage and either split up or work towards being happy together. If you split up then you can look at dating other men but I doubt your ex will stick around (He's already being off)

What have you done to try to fix the problems in your marriage? Anything? You have kids. It’s not just about you.

Where do your children fit into this?

Your ex has had plenty of opportunity to be with you before and chose other women so I would be wary and would expect you will get hurt. He's promising nothing so if you leave to go with him you may end up a single Mum.

Your DH seems to love you and be a good man. At the moment you are earning more than him but things can change and I would bet he would be there for you.

Sounds like you're in love with your ex and not your DH though. I think you either need to cut all contact with ex, work on marriage or leave and try ex but I wouldn't be very hopeful. I would assume you are a stop gap and I would recommend staying with the man who loves you and your kids. It maybe worth you having a conversation with your ex to clear things in your mind but be aware some men will promise the earth then when they have what they want leave.

You dont really know anything about your ex's life for the past 25 years beyond what he has chosen to tell you. It sounds to me like you have a bit of a crush on him and a longing for the past and being 17 and carefree again, if you see what i mean.

Do you really want to walk away from your nice (if boring) life, your kids, your decent husband? Think very carefully, especially as your ex hasnt actually suggested that you run away with him. What if you walk away from your current life, turn up on the ex's doorstep and he reacts in horror and says he never wanted you to do that? Or worse, his wife opens the door when you get there?

Maybe you just need to re-assess your life with DH. Do you guys ever get to spend time just together, without the kids?

Mishappening he was married only once - the relationship before that was 6 years and they were living together but he ended it.

Can I ask why you think he is playing me?

My DH has done nothing to deserve this and certainly contributes in non-financial ways. He does much more of the childcare than I do.

I agree with a lot of what you say.

Dioskouri I have done very little to fix my marriage is probably the fair answer.

For what it is worth I was married to someone who I thought was a pretty good husband. I did have crushes on other men during the marriage but never enough to want to end the marriage. Then I had a crush to end all crushes and wanted to explore this. I asked my husband to give me space which of course he wasn't happy about and he did the opposite. Understandable but it had the effect of me ending the marriage because I felt so suffocated and I could not reciprocate his feelings. I think soon to be ex now regrets not having backed off as his controlling behaviour was the final straw.

I think the not having sex thing for several years is writing on the wall. It may or may not work out with your ex but it sounds as though you have 'unfinished business' there.

Your children are young which makes it far more complicated. My husband also looked like the perfect husband from the outside but there's nothing like a divorce for really getting to know someone. He is not nearly as perfect as he likes to make out but is a good actor. He was also useless with money which ended up being a major problem.

would you have such contact with the ex if you had a happy marriage?
the problems in your marriage like him earning less than you, you working long hours at a job you dislike, you havent had sex for 3 years (thats too long) make you unhappy and vulnerable to guys like your ex.
-you either try to resolve the problems in your marriage
-or leave (but not for your ex)
your ex cant be someone you can rely on, so stop fantisisng about him, as you said you dont know him much. you have a gap and you fulfilling it with something wrong and disasterous.
it is a very hard situation, you may need some help to overcome it, do you have a trustworthy friend in RL that you can confide?

Difficult situation, I feel for you! Infatuation is soooo powerful and overwhelming! It really is a type of madness while it is in full flow and almost impossible to fight. I would try and separate your revived infatuation with the ex and your dissatisfaction with your husband. Whatever fling you might decide to have, I wouldn't link this to how you act on your marriage. It's a symptom rather than a cause of not being happy. My advice would be to keep things chugging along with your husband until your infatuation runs it's course. If it so happens that you end up forming a proper relationship with the ex then the decision will be made. But it sounds more like you might have a fling rather than make it a real go. I wouldn't make any decision about your marriage while you feel like this because when you are besotted, any other man seems boring and inadequate. If you do have a fling, be very careful because there is huge potential for everyone to get very hurt- and always have safe sex so as not to put your husband at risk etc. If it all passes you can decide whether to come clean, to talk about things with the husband etc, or to end it. If you don't want to have the fling then cut the ex out- distance and time is the only way to kill an infatuation! Good luck, keep us posted.

he just said he went off it with her

Seriously, if his sole reason is he “just went off it” then, in all likelihood, he’ll “just go off it” with you too. Very likely, in fact. Why wouldn’t he? Why would you be do different? He hasn’t given any reason why what happened with her won’t also happen with you once the novelty’s worn off.

The fact hitihe ex slept with you when he was his gf who he ended up marrying says it all op. You’re abit of fun nothing too serious, he doesn’t want step kids and a new partner to full in where his wife once was. This has disaster written all over it.

funnylittlefloozie You could be right about the crush and you are right that I don’t know him that well. I know for a fact he is divorced though.

No, DH and I spend very little time together, children and work get in the way and I don’t generally get home until 10pm at night. He is probably the person I would most want to sit across dinner from in the world though - that must say something mustn’t it?

Have a trial separation/sabbatical from the marriage? Six months were you can both do whatever you want with whoever you want.
Am I the only one who finds this really horrible and disrespectful advice? If you're not happy with your dp you either fix it or leave. You don't tell them that you want their blessing to go off and shag other people to see if the grass is greener with someone else. Just horrible.

snappedandfarted2018 That is my worry. Him texting me, saying he wasn’t sure about his girlfriend (then wife) or Wales and wanting to spend some time with me back in London, then texting me late one night, coming over drunk, putting pressure on me to have sex with him and disappearing the next day (with me being the one to have to text/call him for him to tell me he’d decided to stay with her).

I do worry he has just kept me on a string for the last 20 years.

OP, your last comment kind of indicates you are just enjoying the excitement and escapism which comes from a new relation which is unencumbered by the responsibilities of kids, bills, cleaning up etc. If dh is who you would most want to sit across from at dinner, stop disrespecting him and behave like a decent partner should by working on your marriage rather than the extremely disrespectful and hurtful behavior you are showing with the ex. Who doesn't actually sound that interested in anything other than a physical relationship with an easy mark.