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Original poster

Married but in love with another man - please help

374 replies

Dandylie · 30/07/2018 21:51

I really hope someone can help as I am falling apart over this.

I have been married to DH for 5 years (together for 8) and we have 2 young DC. DH is a really good man. He’s funny, charming, honourable, kind, and is a great Dad. He’s probably the most well-liked man I know and we have a great lifestyle. But some resentment has crept into our marriage as he doesn’t earn much (has his own small business), I don’t feel is working hard enough and is hopeless with money. I am far and away the main breadwinner (and work very long hours because in a job I don’t really like) and have begun to lose respect for him. I feel a bit like I have three children sometimes. We haven’t had sex in nearly 3 years - I just don’t want to, even though I still find DH handsome. To show you what a good man DH is, he hasn’t got angry or pressured me about that, although he obviously misses sex very much.

My ex got in touch for the first time in a while a few months ago - we went out nearly 25 years ago and he was my first love (although perhaps infatuation is a better word as I was only 17 and we only went out for 6 months). I was beyond devastated when we broke up, never really got over him and we have always been in touch since and occasionally met up - sometimes years have gone by between contact but I thought of him very often. He was always in a long term relationship, then married, so although it was clear we were always attracted to each other nothing really happened (although it did occasionally).

Fast forward to now, he is divorced and we have met up a few times and are in daily contact. We have kissed and it went a bit further on one occasion (although not sex). I am not very proud of this.

I am completely besotted with him and I don’t know what to do. I think about him every minute of the day and it’s made me feel even further apart from DH.

Would I be mad to be considering leaving DH to be with my ex - not that my ex has asked me to, although he’s told me (when I asked) that if I was single he would want to be with me. I have no idea if I can trust my ex - truth is I don’t know him that well. I actually feel he is pulling away a bit now, as I keep changing my mind about what I want.

I would be putting my own wants ahead of my DH and my children - I can’t do that can I? Is it normal to feel this way in a marriage?

I can’t sleep, I have lost so much weight and I can’t concentrate on work. I can’t find joy in anything unless it is my ex texting me. I feel like I have gone a bit mad in truth.

If anyone could give me some advice I would really appreciate it.

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 30/07/2018 22:40

I am getting the vibe you are looking for excitement/wanting to feel needed. Unfortunately when you are married and have dc’s this isn’t something that happens

I would put pen to paper, write a list of what the old flame has to offer especially where kids are concerned

justthisguy · 30/07/2018 22:41

@Ventiamore: Yeah... from personal experience I kinda have to agree. STBXW suggested 6 months but when it quickly became apparent that she intended said six months to be an opportunity to consummate her EA as opposed to a period of self-reflection my reaction was "sod that, if that's how much respect you have for me we might as well make it permanent".

Other poster's mileage may vary, I guess.

itchyknees · 30/07/2018 22:42

Ok this is how this plays out, I reckon:

You start affair with the ex, and become obsessed with him

Your husband discovers the affair and gives you an ultimatum

You leave the marriage for the ex

The ex is exciting for a bit but then goes cold on you

You do everything in your power to make it work because ‘after all, you ended your marriage for this’

The ex dumps you

Your husband meets someone else and is snapped up because he’s a decent bloke

You’re left alone, knackered and more skint than you are now, whilst watching your husband’s new life take off and handing your kids over to him and his inevitable new girlfriend.

I am witnessing all of this right now with a good friend. She is consumed with regret.

MarieeBarone · 30/07/2018 22:42

Your ex is a distraction from the monotony. The grass isn't always greener. Have you spoken to your husband about the way you feel about money and his job? He can't think that everything is great if you've not slept together for 3 years.

dirtybadger · 30/07/2018 22:47

The ex sounds like a prize prick from th3 description to be honest. Take him out of the equation. If your DH earns less than you, but does more childcare, then it sounds like you maybe arent appreciating the financial and personal value of that. There is also a good chance he would get custody for that reason, I assume. You will worse off financially without him. So I would put all that stuff aside. How you feel about him, as a person, is what matters.....good or bad

MaybeDoctor · 30/07/2018 22:48

What’s the ‘not working hard enough’ all about? Tell us a bit more about your respective work lives, as I think that may shed some light.

Original poster
Dandylie · 30/07/2018 22:49

Bluebell34567 I think you are right - I am unhappy in my job and also one of our children has some additional needs which I found incredibly hard to come to terms with. Maybe I am looking for an escape.

I have mentioned it to a friend which did help. Her view is that I really need to work on my marriage and have date nights, try to make myself have sex, “fake it til you feel it” type thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dandylie · 30/07/2018 22:59

So I would put all that stuff aside. How you feel about him, as a person, is what matters.....good or bad

DH is a wonderful person, he is one of the best men I know. I have just lost respect and with that, I think, attraction.

OP posts:
Purpleisthenewblue1 · 30/07/2018 22:59

Agree with Itchyknees post. Sadly with marriage when you have kids it’s not about love but all to do with money, custody, housing and a new woman looking after your children. No one says it quite like this but it’s the truth you would have to face.

Original poster
Dandylie · 30/07/2018 23:05

MaybeDoctor His business relies on finding a certain kind of client who are quite few and far between. He does work but he’s certainly not busting a gut, like I am. To be fair to him, he doesn’t really have many other options - his first choice career (physical) fell through as he was very ill when he was younger and he didn’t have a degree to fall back on.

All the financial responsibility is in me and all the financial worry is on me. He has a very rich family and was always helped out and provided for and now I seem to be the one providing for him and I hate it. I hate my job - it’s boring and stressful and long hours and lonely.

OP posts:
Geordiegirl1988 · 30/07/2018 23:08

Your poor dh ! He deserves better

Backtoblack1 · 30/07/2018 23:14

Ok this is how this plays out, I reckon:

You start affair with the ex, and become obsessed with him

Your husband discovers the affair and gives you an ultimatum

You leave the marriage for the ex

The ex is exciting for a bit but then goes cold on you

You do everything in your power to make it work because ‘after all, you ended your marriage for this’

The ex dumps you

Your husband meets someone else and is snapped up because he’s a decent bloke

You’re left alone, knackered and more skint than you are now, whilst watching your husband’s new life take off and handing your kids over to him and his inevitable new girlfriend.

I am witnessing all of this right now with a good friend. She is consumed with regret.

all of this! I am going through exactly this right now and would do anything to change my stupid decision. Please try to reconnect with your husband

enbh · 30/07/2018 23:15

Please realise this is just infatuation, it's not real and you could stand to lose something so valuable. I think j it's something you will absolutely live to regret. Just go NC with this man as hard as it might be and put all your energy into your marriage before it's too late.

Theworldisfullofgs · 30/07/2018 23:16

What you feel for your ex is both fantasy at what could of been and the addiction of oxytocin. It is absolutely addictive. I also expect you like the version of yourself when you are with him. Remember it is very different to see someone sometimes as opposed to living eith someone day in day out.
I'm inclined to agree with your friend. My own view on marriage is that at first you like and love them, then the like dips a lot and comes back up and goes in cycles. You need to remember why you love them and the in love bit comes back with the like bit. Hopefully the cycles don't last too long.

Talk to your dh about your job and his job and be in it more together.

NorthernLurker · 30/07/2018 23:20

I think you need a new job and to have sex with your husband. You don't need your ex.

butterballs9 · 30/07/2018 23:30

All the financial responsibility is in me and all the financial worry is on me. He has a very rich family and was always helped out and provided for and now I seem to be the one providing for him and I hate it. I hate my job - it’s boring and stressful and long hours and lonely.

----

How interesting. You appear to have taken the place of his family? From my own experience, 'working on the marriage' does not work if you are crushing on someone else. It just doesn't. You cannot 'make' attraction happen. There is nothing wrong with a trial separation - in fact I think it's a good idea. A marriage isn't some kind of magic wand that makes people happy ever after despite what Disney might want us to believe. It's only now that my own marriage is in the final death throes that I realize how controlled I have been for the past 20 years. I feel like I breaking out of jail. But each to their own - staying in a marriage can be hard, getting out of one can be even harder.

spudlike1 · 30/07/2018 23:35

Look up limerance.
You are depressed probably
Life sounds tough .
This 'Crush ' is not the answer .
Sit tight sort this out . Don't leave husband for another man it's not the answer .

DickTERFin · 30/07/2018 23:37

You're your ex's backup girlfriend. He'll ditch you if something "better" comes along (and by better, I mean with less baggage). Don't end your marriage for him but do consider ending it if you don't see a way back to loving your husband again and having a fulfilled marriage again, for both your sakes.

Would you/he be up for couples counselling?

Mytwistedimagination · 30/07/2018 23:37

OP, you do realise that a man coming on here saying that they have lost respect for their DW because she doesn't earn much and they are mostly financially responsible for the family , they have lost respect for her and therefore attraction also.....so had started something with an ex..... would get a total roasting?
I'm not usually one to point out the gender hypocrisy, but it seems particularly clear in your situation. Imagine your dh had done this to you. Find it distressing? What would you want him to do, what is the least destructive plan of action for all concerned (ignore your ex, he doesn't give a monkeys about you or your family's wellbeing). It's not just all about you, so stop indulging in this incredibly destructive behaviour.

Original poster
Dandylie · 30/07/2018 23:44

Dickterfin I think you may be right - I have been sitting here thinking about it and I think I have always been his back-up girlfriend.

Couples counselling - he would despise it, he is very English, stiff upper lip. But maybe if all else fails.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dandylie · 30/07/2018 23:47

Mytwistedimagination I think it’s a little different. He isn’t really covering the cost of the nanny, so I am paying for him to work. And it’s not just that he doesn’t earn much - it’s that he is irresponsible with money and doesn’t seem to be trying hard enough to earn more. He seems happy with the status quo of someone providing for him.

OP posts:
itchyknees · 31/07/2018 00:07

Yes but whilst you’re getting the fannygallops over the fantasy of The One That Got Away, your husband is thrown into the dull grey shadow of real life.

ferando81 · 31/07/2018 00:11

You don't respect your husband because he doesn't earn enough and wastes your hard earned money.This justifies you cheating on your hubby.
If a man posted this he would be crucified.

Mytwistedimagination · 31/07/2018 00:18

I think it’s a little different. He isn’t really covering the cost of the nanny, so I am paying for him to work
No it isn't. Lots of couples struggle with this, and usually the woman continues to work while they make a loss, so she can keep pension, doesn't lose a decent career progression and stays in the workforce.

Cricrichan · 31/07/2018 00:42

Could you look at relocating somewhere cheaper and you both finding jobs you enjoy?

You sound like you love and want to bebwoth your husband but you're stressed with having to take all the financial responsibility, especially because you're doing a job you hate. If you were to split then you'd be in a far worse place financially though and more stressed!

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