Married but in love with another man - please help

[Dandylie]

I really hope someone can help as I am falling apart over this.

I have been married to DH for 5 years (together for 8) and we have 2 young DC. DH is a really good man. He’s funny, charming, honourable, kind, and is a great Dad. He’s probably the most well-liked man I know and we have a great lifestyle. But some resentment has crept into our marriage as he doesn’t earn much (has his own small business), I don’t feel is working hard enough and is hopeless with money. I am far and away the main breadwinner (and work very long hours because in a job I don’t really like) and have begun to lose respect for him. I feel a bit like I have three children sometimes. We haven’t had sex in nearly 3 years - I just don’t want to, even though I still find DH handsome. To show you what a good man DH is, he hasn’t got angry or pressured me about that, although he obviously misses sex very much.

My ex got in touch for the first time in a while a few months ago - we went out nearly 25 years ago and he was my first love (although perhaps infatuation is a better word as I was only 17 and we only went out for 6 months). I was beyond devastated when we broke up, never really got over him and we have always been in touch since and occasionally met up - sometimes years have gone by between contact but I thought of him very often. He was always in a long term relationship, then married, so although it was clear we were always attracted to each other nothing really happened (although it did occasionally).

Fast forward to now, he is divorced and we have met up a few times and are in daily contact. We have kissed and it went a bit further on one occasion (although not sex). I am not very proud of this.

I am completely besotted with him and I don’t know what to do. I think about him every minute of the day and it’s made me feel even further apart from DH.

Would I be mad to be considering leaving DH to be with my ex - not that my ex has asked me to, although he’s told me (when I asked) that if I was single he would want to be with me. I have no idea if I can trust my ex - truth is I don’t know him that well. I actually feel he is pulling away a bit now, as I keep changing my mind about what I want.

I would be putting my own wants ahead of my DH and my children - I can’t do that can I? Is it normal to feel this way in a marriage?

I can’t sleep, I have lost so much weight and I can’t concentrate on work. I can’t find joy in anything unless it is my ex texting me. I feel like I have gone a bit mad in truth.

If anyone could give me some advice I would really appreciate it.

You sound like you love and want to bebwoth your husband

Isn't this what is up for debate in the OP though? Surely you don't fool around with and say you are in love with another man if you do actually love your dh? Sounds more like enjoying the familiarity and security of being with dh, rather than love for him.

I would be concerned that in your situation where you are working long hours and your husband is providing more childcare than you are, that it would be quite possible for him to remain the primary carer of the children of you were to leave.

I would cut the ex out of it, you've been his 'booty call' for years by the sounds of things, he has never prioritised you over anything else and never will. Would he really want to take on a ready made family?

OP, you seem to have come around to the realisation that pursuing a relationship with the ex would be a very bad idea. He doesn’t love you and he doesn’t want you. He is the kind of man who cheats on his partner and attempts to sleep with married women with no concern for her or her children if it’s all found out. He is a bad person. Stop all contact with him. Block and delete.

You work hard and you are exhausted. Your DP needs to be better with money. This is the problem here. You resent your DP because of finances. Did you know this is the number one reason couples break up? Money.

Make a plan! Fix the money situation. Whether this means him getting a real job or ditching the nanny, make it happen. If his business isn’t working then time to say goodbye to it. Can he do the childcare full time and work out of hours or on weekends? Shuffle things around. See a financial consultant if you can. See if a change of career is a possibility for you.

You said you find your husband attractive. If I were you I would attempt to make time for sex. I remember hearing a psychologist saying that his advice to couples who haven’t had sex in a long time is “just do it”. Hormones released during sex play an important role in a loving relationship. It will make you both calmer and happier in general. When people are calm and happy decisions can be made more easily.

You really haven’t talked much about your children in all of this. I wonder if that’s because you kind of enjoy all the drama and wouldn’t really leave, or because you know deep down how completely this could ruin their lives. A mother who abandons you for a man who doesn’t even want her - imagine how that would feel? To believe that now matter how good and kind you are as a partner, you will still be cheated on and dumped, because that’s what they will see. Would you want your children to think betrayal is a normal and inevitable part of a relationship? Or do you want to teach them to expect better? You need to be a good role model here. If your relationship is truly over that’s one thing but do not throw it all away for some stupid other man.

Look up limerance

Strange how when men are sniffing around a potential OW this advice is not offered, they are just called cunts.

they are just called cunts.

To be fair though they usually are just cunts.

So let's get this right.

He works less than you and it doesn't quite cover childcare, which enables him to work. However he does more childcare than you.

I wonder how people would react if a man posted what you did about their wife? There are people up and down the country in this situation. Where one is the bread winner and one is working but not earning much. Usually the lower earner is the one doing more childcare.

You have lost respect for him, because you are the main breadwinner? But it's not ok for men to feel the same and go off and have an affair.

You ARE having an affair and simply justifying it. I believe you married your husband because he is a good man, but never fully committed. You have always had this ex on the periphery.

What you are doing is no ok. And his job is not justification for it. As he provides more childcare he is likely to become the primary carer.

So you go off with an ex that likes to turn up when he is bored. You don't see your kids much and then the ex fucks off, because he is now bored with you or simply goes off you. Sounds perfect.

If the situation were reversed, and it was a man saying he resented his wife earning low wages, does more childcare etc, he'd get ripped apart.

Have you tried working at your marriage? Have you spoken to your husband? Tried counselling?

You are infatuated with the ex and in your head, he represents what you feel is missing from your life right now. He isn't the answer to your dissatisfaction and unhappiness and you have to stop seeing him as such.

Address what is making you unhappy. If you genuinely don't want to be in your marriage anymore, then the answer is to end it, but don't do it quickly, on a whim or for someone you had a 'relationship' with when you were 17.

And you need to realise that leaving your husband for the ex will not be the answer to your prayers.

You're looking for a fix; this isn't it.

I don't think the issue is that you are in love with your ex. The issue is that you are bored and run down with little kids and a full on job and you feel fed up with it all.

How do you see it playing out with your ex and your kids and job situation? If you were with him would these things be better? Bear in mind you would also be going through a messy divorce which is not fun at all.

It feels awful now I know. Could you even be a bit depressed without having realised it? But I would seriously think about what you are doing here-you say dh is a good man and that you still like spending time with him- that's good-focus on that, be honest with him about how tired you feel and how changes are needed work and finance wise. Try and work on it properly. Because nothing you've ask re the ex sounds that positive really.

To be fair though they usually are just cunts.

Oh I don’t doubt it!

But it seems only on here that when a woman is behaving similarly her actions are medicalised with some makey-uppy psychological condition that seeks to minimise their responsibility.

Your husband sounds like a right cocklodger to me, OP.

You certainly deserve better than him, whether or not you decide to go for your ex.

Your husband sounds like a right cocklodger to me, OP.

And we’re off!

Ex has kept you in a string. You need to cut that string. Unencumbered by ex ( go nc) tell dh that you want more from your marriage. Try introducing date night once a week, even if it is just Saturday after kids are in bed watching a film with a bottle of wine and see what happens.

Your husband sounds like a right cocklodger to me, OP.

I suppose you see women who earn less money and provide more childcare as fannylodgers, then?

OP seeing as you’ve already crossed the line into a physical relationship, you need to tell your husband so you can both decide what you want. It’s unfair keeping him as a back up incase things with your ex fall through.

In 2018 why is it up to the man to provide for a family .Loads of people including myself are stuck in a job they hate for money to provide for there family ,but it's what you do I don't resent my wife for not earning enough . So if he earned more you would be happy doesn't paint you in a good light

I feel for you OP. I think you know the right way through really: you have to tell the twat of an ex to fuck off, and make a proper effort to put a rocket up your marriage. But it’s tough. Throwing in the towel with the dull marriage and/or having an affair is much easier and much more exciting. But don’t do it. Seriously, don’t do it. You will regret it.

Try and make some time to reconnect with your husband, with no kids in tow. How did you like spending time together before the kids arrived? Did you have shared hobbies/interests? Could you find something one night a week you could do together (babysitter permitting)?

I don’t know about forcing yourself to have sex. I think if you find time to remind yourself why you fell in love with him, the sex will come back.

Another one hear saying you need to work on things with your husband. That will mean a serious talk about his poor money management and the stress it is putting you under. Any chance for him to take on more childcare and reduce those costs? Will those costs go down when your DC go to school? In what ways is he bad with money and is there any way to manage that? Do you both make time for each other/date nights or are you both just caught in the daily grind of work/kids?

It may be that addressing these things doesn't help your marriage, but you at least need to make the effort to try and not just think the grass is greener with an ex you barely know (who sounds like a knob to be honest! Sleeping with you while engaged to someone else is surely a huge red flag!!)

Your ex is a player. He will soon get bored with you especially as you have kids in tow. Whatever the answer is he ain't it.

Totally agree with other posters pointing out how this would play out if it were a man moaning about his wife who didn't work as hard, didn't earn as much money, did most of the childcare etc

They'd be torn a new one and the OP has got away very lightly.

I also agree with @itchyknees. I have a feeling that if you leave your husband for your ex, a year or so from now you will bitterly regret the decision. Decent, honourable blokes who are also 'handsome' are thin on the ground.

This guy doesn’t want you other than as an ego boost, he used you to confirm how he felt about his girlfriend at the time, he is using you to feel better about his marriage breaking down but never in the twenty years has he asked you to be with him properly has he? You are a safe bet, available and no commitment. And you are probably not the only one. If your husband finds out or you leave him then you seriously risk finding yourself alone, seeing your children every other weekend as your husband is the primary career and paying maintenance, how resentful will you feel then? A huge amount more than you do now I’d bet. The only way to fix this is to cut all contact with this guy 100% and put the same effort into your relationship with DH.

You're not in love with your ex, you're infatuated. I've been there and it's actually horrible - it's like an addiction and you get to the point you are prepared to do almost anything for the next 'hit'. I got over it eventually, thankfully without doing anything too stupid, and in the cold light of day it is utterly clear that it was nothing but empty infatuation and I could have thrown my life away on it.

The sensible thing is to treat it like an addiction and go cold turkey, hard as that might may be. You can't make sensible decisions about the future of your marriage when you're in the grip of infatuation.

You are having an emotional affair OP.

You have two choices.

Be open with dh about what has happened.

or

Put this down to a crush that has gone on to emotional affair. Dont say anything to dh and work on your marriage.

3 years is a very long time to not be intimate in a marriage. I know what its like having dc and time running away with us, but in marriages intimacy is important too. So now you have gone and got that elsewhere. Why? You clearly love your dh.

I suggest to you tell ex that this can no longer continue and delete and block him. Dont say you are going to do it. Do it. If you want your marriage to work that is. You cannot have both. Keep yourself busy with other things, in the times of the day you find your mind drifting to him, meet a colleague for lunch, anything to stop you sending that message to him again.

I have just been through a divorce. It not a good thing to do unless you have a good solid reason for wanting it. I dont see this from your posts.

OP you cannot have your cake and eat it I am afraid.

Without kids but otherwise the same situation as you OP. There's nothing quite like feeling 17 again. You're not in love with him, like me, it's lust and thrill. Ditch him, he sounds like a loser. If you don't love your husband, you need to look at separation.

Your ex is a waste of space. Look at the situation from this angle too.... your ex is prepared to encourage your infatuation of him, and will use you for sex until he gets bored and finds someone else (or until your dh finds out about your affair, then you won't see the ex for dust), all the while knowing he's got zero emotional attachment to you.
In other words, he thinks so little of you that he's happy to help ruin your marriage (and allow your children's lives to be turned upside down) before he fucks off again, leaving you all alone.
If he had any respect for you at all, then he would respect that you should concentrate on sorting your marriage out one way or another first.