Married but in love with another man - please help

[Dandylie]

I really hope someone can help as I am falling apart over this.

I have been married to DH for 5 years (together for 8) and we have 2 young DC. DH is a really good man. He’s funny, charming, honourable, kind, and is a great Dad. He’s probably the most well-liked man I know and we have a great lifestyle. But some resentment has crept into our marriage as he doesn’t earn much (has his own small business), I don’t feel is working hard enough and is hopeless with money. I am far and away the main breadwinner (and work very long hours because in a job I don’t really like) and have begun to lose respect for him. I feel a bit like I have three children sometimes. We haven’t had sex in nearly 3 years - I just don’t want to, even though I still find DH handsome. To show you what a good man DH is, he hasn’t got angry or pressured me about that, although he obviously misses sex very much.

My ex got in touch for the first time in a while a few months ago - we went out nearly 25 years ago and he was my first love (although perhaps infatuation is a better word as I was only 17 and we only went out for 6 months). I was beyond devastated when we broke up, never really got over him and we have always been in touch since and occasionally met up - sometimes years have gone by between contact but I thought of him very often. He was always in a long term relationship, then married, so although it was clear we were always attracted to each other nothing really happened (although it did occasionally).

Fast forward to now, he is divorced and we have met up a few times and are in daily contact. We have kissed and it went a bit further on one occasion (although not sex). I am not very proud of this.

I am completely besotted with him and I don’t know what to do. I think about him every minute of the day and it’s made me feel even further apart from DH.

Would I be mad to be considering leaving DH to be with my ex - not that my ex has asked me to, although he’s told me (when I asked) that if I was single he would want to be with me. I have no idea if I can trust my ex - truth is I don’t know him that well. I actually feel he is pulling away a bit now, as I keep changing my mind about what I want.

I would be putting my own wants ahead of my DH and my children - I can’t do that can I? Is it normal to feel this way in a marriage?

I can’t sleep, I have lost so much weight and I can’t concentrate on work. I can’t find joy in anything unless it is my ex texting me. I feel like I have gone a bit mad in truth.

If anyone could give me some advice I would really appreciate it.

I don't agree it is the right thing to tell her husband about the crush. What will this achieve? I once tried to tell soon to be ex about a crush I was having and he was furious. Nothing had happened yet my husband was really angry. I would have been much better off saying nothing and it had the effect of making the whole situation worse. Honestly, I do not advocate telling him. If he reacts like my soon to be ex did you will then have to deal with an angry, volatile husband as well as a raging crush. Your stress levels will go through the roof and it will have a negative impact on your children.

I personally think that it IS possible to separate/divorce in a reasonably civilized way even with young children. HOWEVER it would have to be a very long, slow process. For most people getting into a marriage takes time. Getting out of it also takes time.

I waited until my children were grown up and until they had pretty much left home before I finally pulled the plaster off. My 'swan song' as I like to call it was helping them on the property ladder. I then felt I had done my bit.

Even though the children were grown up it was very, very difficult. His family and my family were all against my decision. I did not have a single family member offering me support. Many of my friends were annoyed and angry with me. One of my children was very upset and angry for a bit. The eldest one was a breath of fresh air and didn't want me to stay in the marriage just so I could put up 'happy' family photos on birthdays, anniversaries etc. But she is very grounded and works with families in need so she has seen it all and realizes there is no such thing as the 'perfect' family.

It was about two years of sheer hell. Soon to be ex pulled every stunt on me in terms of the settlement . It felt as though everyone wanted to see me homeless with no money and tarred and feathered. Or perhaps tied to some stocks with people throwing bad eggs at me.

If I could rewind the clock this is what I would have done.

1. Made it clear about four years ago that I no longer wanted a physical relationship and moved into the spare room. Soon to be ex whinged and whined but I should have stayed firm. If I had done this I could have divorced on the grounds of separation. Because I hadn't I had to wait or cite unreasonable behaviour which is inflammatory (or was to him).

1. Had couples counselling from the moment I moved into the spare room. We saw a very good woman from Relate once and we should have stuck with her. I was impatient and wanted to push for a separation but counselling would have helped us move out of the marriage.

1. Had a few family counselling sessions with the youngest child who although an adult was finding it difficult. Perhaps even the whole family. It would have helped to be able to discuss highly charged emotional issues in a safe space.

1. Focus on self-care and self-compassion. This applies to you both. You have to be kind to yourself.

1. Be firm with family and friends. They can meddle. Soon to be ex told my family I was crazy and needed medication. This was very unhelpful. I actually had PTSD.

1. Get as many support networks around you as possible. Group counselling can be good. Join groups that support people going through break-ups. Talk to as many people as possible who are supportive and have been through breakups and divorce.

Above all recognise that it is a PROCESS and a long and slow one. Employ the cracked record technique if possible. Expect a huge range of emotional and psychological reactions. There will be people - quite probably your husband among others - who will want you to feel shame, guilt, worry, stress. IMO I was subject to emotional, psychological and financial abuse for a sustained period of time. No-one likes change and society is particularly harsh on wives and mothers who want to divorce as the role of a wife and mother is traditionally seen as one where other family members are put first.

Expect resistance to the idea that you are as important as everyone else and your needs, wishes and desires are just as important as your husbands and childrens.

I could go on but this is far too long already! PM me if you like. I'm thinking of taking up a job as a divorce counsellor!!

@butterballs9 it’s no longer just a crush. The OP states they have gone further than kissing, just not had sex.

If the OP is to try and work on the marriage which will involve getting her feelings about her husband out in the open, then she needs to also be honest about what she has done. Selective honesty is pointless.

OP I was in a similar situation to you a few months back. My partner and I had hit a very low point and I got involved with a man I worked with. I can relate (in some ways to your situation).

If you're interested in reading my recent thread.....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3309297-Infidelity?pg=1&messages=25

Good luck with everything and I hope you make good choices.

Your ex is a red herring. He will not want you long term and isn't going to be there for you not in any way supportive

However I think leaving your DH is on the cards. You can't stay happily with a man who you perceive as childlike and have little respect for.

I'm in a similar situation OP.

It's horrendous but I'm trying to stay with my dh and cut contact with OM. He wants to see me but I'm not prepared to risk it.

I agree with what other posters say.

Sometimes I imagine myself with OM but it is the fallout you leave and tbh the financial restraints.

You share the cost of childcare presumably, so he only needs to cover half?

I would say that actually the job is the problem. Could you revamp your lives to need less money, and do something you enjoy? Or work less? Put yourselves back on an even keel.

So is the OM local to you or are you traveling to make contact with him?

I am just wondering if a change of geography or habits might help.

One way or another you need to break this pattern. It is only then that you will be able to see clearly and perhaps address the issues with DH.

Hi Dandylie - you might be interested to know that studies in drug addiction reveal that the chemicals react in our brains in the same way as strong emotional social bonding. And in this sense - love really is a drug and drugs fill an emotional disconnect - which is why they become serious addictions for emotionally damaged people.
And your emotional distance from your DH plus dissatisfaction with your life has built your emotional vulnerability to a strong bonded addiction.

And just like any serious addiction - it gives you a little taste of heaven and then it drags you into hell. It will take everything from you if you let it, your home, your family, your children, your finances and your friends.

So kick it now - go cold turkey and focus on the things that have made you vulnerable - your poor relationship - lack of love and sexual expression - your lonely struggle with long working hours and your sense that you deserve better - which makes you look to someone to blame and a spouse is first in line.
If it’s nit too late - see if you can rediscover your DH - you can absolutely bet he will be suffering too. And if you can’t - then you can set each other free without lies and deceit and betrayal.
Couples counselling could be a really important first step?

You share the cost of childcare presumably, so he only needs to cover half?

Extremely good point. I hadn't even noticed you were being so financially oppressive in your reasoning.

*You share the cost of childcare presumably, so he only needs to cover half?

Extremely good point. I hadn't even noticed you were being so financially oppressive in your reasoning*

I don’t really understand this - he doesn’t pay for anything else - I pay for mortgage, food, bills, nursery, car. I just think he should at least pay for himself to work (i.e. pay for the nanny).

MaybeDoctor He is in North London and I am in South London. Our paths would never cross unless we wanted them to.

Dadaist That’s exactly it - it was like a little taste of heaven and now it is absolute hell. I feel like I have opened Pandora’s box and now I can’t close the lid.

Everything you have said makes complete sense - I just hope it is not too late. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I can’t bear it.

Ah, ok. Then it really is as simple as not arranging to meet.

Who initiates meetings?

If you are serious about this, unfriend him on Facebook tonight.

Have you talked to him today? In any way?

I haven't read all of the replies so sorry if I repeat something already said...

I was in a position very similar to this. My marriage seems to be dying a bit of a death. Dh and I barely talked, when we did, it was usually passive aggressive sniping. I had my head turned by someone. There was no messaging as I knew that would be crossing a line for me. But we did flirt and we were extremely attracted to each other. He wanted to be with me and I'll admit I was tempted...

But, I realised that it wasn't actually the guy that was tempting as such. It was the fact I was dissatisfied in my marriage. The thoughts I was having about this guy, were frankly scaring me. It was like I was completely checking out of my marriage emotionally. Like yours, my DH is a wonderful man. He's kind, generous, funny and just has a heart of gold. I couldn't and wouldn't do that to him. It was the jolt I needed to actually put some work into my marriage though.

I never told him about this stupid crush because thankfully nothing came of it and I didn't act on it. I did however start to communicate with him. We started to laugh and enjoy each others company again. I started telling him I loved him and kissing him again. Baby steps but within a few months my head was back where it needed to be. At home with my lovely husband and beautiful kids.

You really get out what you put into a marriage. Please don't fling in the towel until you have at least tried to reconnect. Tell him that your head is nearly turned but you want to try and fix this. Tell him what you love about him, and really think about those things yourself. You've been blinded by this flash of excitement. But it will never be how you imagine it in your head, all lust and passion. It'll be the same daily grind at work, but without your lovely DH who takes amazing care of your kids.

causeimunderyourspell Thank you - that was exactly what I needed to hear. I just hope I haven’t gone so far with this that I can’t get it back.

MaybeDoctor He was initially the one but I feel like he is losing interest and then it was more me arranging (or trying to arrange) to meet. We only met 4 times, back in May. I then put an end to it but he got back in touch and it started again. For various reasons we haven’t seen each other since May though but that hasn’t stopped these feelings I have for him - they’ve grown if anything.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Yes I texted him this morning. It’s incredibly tricky as he has just found out his best friend has a terminal illness. I just texted to say I hope the treatment (starting today) goes well. I know the friend through him so I do care.

I asked to meet up with him last week because I wanted to know how he felt about me - but he has said no because he is concentrating on his friend. I do we could at least talk on the phone but he says he can’t think about anything else right now.

I sort of want him to say he was only after a fling and wouldn’t want to be with me. That would make it easier.

You should try work at your marriage first of all before making any decisions. Have a chat with your husband and tell him what it is you want! See how it goes.
Grass isnt always greener on the other side!

MaybeDoctor He isn’t on any social media, thank God.

Have a trial separation/sabbatical from the marriage? Six months were you can both do whatever you want with whoever you want.
Am I the only one who finds this really horrible and disrespectful advice? If you're not happy with your dp you either fix it or leave. You don't tell them that you want their blessing to go off and shag other people to see if the grass is greener with someone else. Just horrible.

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Ventiamore - you are coming at this from a very simplistic perspective. You 'either fix it or leave' is a bit like talking about a car that has broken down. If only life was that easy. Wouldn't it be amazing if you could call a marriage mechanic when things were breaking down, have him or her tinker around under the bonnet for an hour or so and then declare: 'All fixed now!' And then everyone lives happily ever after!

If ONLY relationships were that simple. I can promise you that if ever my husband had approached me and told me he had fallen for someone else I would take this at face value. I would have backed off, given space and (assuming I still wanted to stay in the relationship) have waited for things to run their course.

What I would NEVER do is - beg, blackmail, stalk the OW, make his life miserable. Why? Because it would just drive him further away. I don't know about anyone else but my soon to be ex, if he is told to stop doing something, will do exactly the opposite. He will dig his heels in and do exactly what he wants to do. The more I try to make him change his mind, the more he will do exactly what he wanted to do all along.

Perhaps that is why he is a soon to be ex. On the other hand, perhaps that is why he was a faithful husband for 20+ years. I would NEVER have told him not to do something that he really wanted to do. He would have resented me for it.

Of course there are consequences for every action. By straying, a person risks losing everything they had and finding that the grass is not greener. But that is something they need to find out for themselves.

Marriage is not possession. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go - at least for a time.

but he has said no because he is concentrating on his friend

Can you see the irony here? This should be you - you should be saying no because you're concentrating on your husband; not him turning down your meets. Does it not all feel a bit grubby and seedy?

This isn't a fair situation for anyone. Someone loses every way. You might lose every way. Your husband could find out and end things. You could leave your husband and find your ex is a knob and you actually can't live with him at all. You could leave your husband and find your ex isn't actually interested at all. Hell; you could stay with your husband and regret it.

He can't make this call for you; it's no good him saying he's not interested - he did last time, he married someone else, you've still spent your whole life waiting for him and indulging any contact he wants. You have to decide who you want. And you have to balance your wants (which are probably both of them; right now) with not destroying anyone else.

I'd stop talking to your ex, personally - he sounds like a knob. From the outside, he's just picked you up and put you down at will. That's not a good man... but you have to assess why he's managed to do that.

If you know the friend well enough to wish them well; message them directly. Someone else will comfort ex. He's told you as much himself.

Well he should contribute to running the house, and you should contribute to the nanny as you need one to work too.

Do you share finances? Whoever earns what in this house it is pooled, childcare just comes out of if as needed.

OM sounds like a knob.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Everything you say is true.