Married but in love with another man - please help

[Dandylie]

I really hope someone can help as I am falling apart over this.

I have been married to DH for 5 years (together for 8) and we have 2 young DC. DH is a really good man. He’s funny, charming, honourable, kind, and is a great Dad. He’s probably the most well-liked man I know and we have a great lifestyle. But some resentment has crept into our marriage as he doesn’t earn much (has his own small business), I don’t feel is working hard enough and is hopeless with money. I am far and away the main breadwinner (and work very long hours because in a job I don’t really like) and have begun to lose respect for him. I feel a bit like I have three children sometimes. We haven’t had sex in nearly 3 years - I just don’t want to, even though I still find DH handsome. To show you what a good man DH is, he hasn’t got angry or pressured me about that, although he obviously misses sex very much.

My ex got in touch for the first time in a while a few months ago - we went out nearly 25 years ago and he was my first love (although perhaps infatuation is a better word as I was only 17 and we only went out for 6 months). I was beyond devastated when we broke up, never really got over him and we have always been in touch since and occasionally met up - sometimes years have gone by between contact but I thought of him very often. He was always in a long term relationship, then married, so although it was clear we were always attracted to each other nothing really happened (although it did occasionally).

Fast forward to now, he is divorced and we have met up a few times and are in daily contact. We have kissed and it went a bit further on one occasion (although not sex). I am not very proud of this.

I am completely besotted with him and I don’t know what to do. I think about him every minute of the day and it’s made me feel even further apart from DH.

Would I be mad to be considering leaving DH to be with my ex - not that my ex has asked me to, although he’s told me (when I asked) that if I was single he would want to be with me. I have no idea if I can trust my ex - truth is I don’t know him that well. I actually feel he is pulling away a bit now, as I keep changing my mind about what I want.

I would be putting my own wants ahead of my DH and my children - I can’t do that can I? Is it normal to feel this way in a marriage?

I can’t sleep, I have lost so much weight and I can’t concentrate on work. I can’t find joy in anything unless it is my ex texting me. I feel like I have gone a bit mad in truth.

If anyone could give me some advice I would really appreciate it.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Before he left his job to set up on his own I said I would only agree to it if he got a family member (all multi multi multi millionaires) to prop him up if the new business didn’t make anything. He promised he would (but didn’t). So it’s me propping him up.

I think he thought it would make money and didn’t want to have the awkward conversation with his parents/siblings asking for financial backing. It gets to me that he is too embarrassed to ask them for help but not embarrassed at being reliant on me, who has absolutely no family backing or financial safety net of my own. He can be a bit spineless like that which doesn’t help with the respect thing.

But you are his WIFE, you're supposed to be his main partner in life! And I strongly disagree that work is only worth it if it brings in a big wage. what about a sense of satisfaction and self worth? op is working all hours to bring in big bucks and it's making her miserable, I really can't see the value in both parents working flat out and being stressed and miserable if money isn't an issue.

and op you were 27, not a blushing virginal sixteen year old. you really do need to take some ownership of your own behaviour.

I gets to me that he is too embarrassed to ask them for help but not embarrassed at being reliant on me, who has absolutely no family backing or financial safety net of my own. I would tell him that, in those words. IME people who've always had access to money simply do not grasp what it's like to be anxious about it. It's why they can take risks (which aren't really risks because they know they'll never be homeless or see their children go without) so blithely.

SchnitzelVonKrumm That’s exactly it. I am incredibly anxious about money because I grew up with in a single parent family where he had no money at all - literally not enough to buy food at the end of the month, we were always behind on the mortgage, and I knew about these worries and lived them from as long as I can remember.

I do earn a lot of money now but would love to be able to save some because if I lose my job there is no safety net for me and I have a child with additional needs who may never have a job.

I particularly resent my DH because he had this amazing life, best schools, best everything and never really tried very hard (dropped out of uni, etc) whereas I had the complete opposite, studied and worked incredibly hard to be in the job I am in now and yet I don’t even feel like I get to enjoy the benefits of the money I earn because I have to support DH and my children all on my own.

There’s always been someone to pay DH’s way and now I’m it.

But you are his WIFE, you're supposed to be his main partner in life!

What does this even mean LaDaronne? That I am meant to support him? If so, doesn’t that mean he is also meant to support me? It goes both ways you know.

Yes, you're meant to support him and him you. At the moment he's working on a start up business and doing a fair chunk of childcare so that you can work at weekends. Didn't he support you by working while you were on maternity leave several times?

So if his family are all multi millionaire. It's likely some of that wealth will, eventually, come your dhs way.

How would you like it when that time comes, if he then loses respect for you because he is responsible for more cash being in your household?

You could be looking at a situation where he has done the majority of the childcare, when the kids are young and then brought in wealth. How would you feel if he feels he has put more in that you?

Or is this one of the reasons you are staying with a man you don't love? Sorry to sound harsh, but it doesn't sound like you even like your dh. I am wondering why you even stayed with him at all. Even pre as the ex turning up again.

I actually don't think it matters whether others think you are justified in your unhappiness over how each of you contribute financially to the household, Dandylie. You are going to get people thinking you are and people thinking you aren't, so go with what you think. It's your life. You can leave your husband if you want to, you know.

This OM though... it's so clear from the outside that he is going to cause you nothing but pain. You know how you don't feel respect for your husband? Well this OM feels no respect for you, and I'll tell you why. Because people know what they're doing (whatever they might say) and he is well aware of how he has treated you over the years. And yet you continue to engage. How would you feel about somebody who kept coming back for more in spite of you treating them without care or consideration? You might think they lacked respect for themselves and that they were an easy mark. These feelings are neither hot nor sexy. You need to face up to the fact that your OM doesn't feel what you feel in terms of attraction or attachment. You're just... there. So stop being... there.

Once you've returned to sanity, it's time to deal with your marriage. I would imagine it's beyond repair really, but that's for you to decide.

I do understand how compelling these feelings for him that you have are, but ooof, he's bad news.

Didn't he support you by working while you were on maternity leave several times?

No, I covered that myself from my earnings.

@Dandylie I'm sorry you're in this position. We're not all bloody perfect.

My head was turned and I was infatuated beyond measure. Torturous and mostly inside my own head. Nothing happened apart from tying myself into knots. Distance and blocking did it. Eventually I realised that I wasn't thinking about it every nano second. Then I realised I'd dodged a bullet and not made a complete arse of myself. Didn't destroy my family/relationship and was mightily relieved. I was behaving foolishly and couldn't see it at the time. The feelings of lust/love are very powerful and can blinker you.

Won't comment on your set up with your DH/finances etc just posting to advise cutting contact completely. It gets easier

*So if his family are all multi millionaire. It's likely some of that wealth will, eventually, come your dhs way.

How would you like it when that time comes, if he then loses respect for you because he is responsible for more cash being in your household?*

I’m not sure how many times I have to say this but the issue is not how much money he brings in - it is him not trying very hard, not being bothered by the fact he is reliant on his wife and being reckless with the money I earn.

If he gets a big inheritance, that isn’t going to make me respect him any more is it?

Geez, your post says a lot more about you than it does about me in my opinion.

LeavingLasVegasForGood That is a very good point. I’ve shown absolutely no self-respect when it comes to him.

StopPOP Thanks for your message. I think it’s too late not to make a complete arse of myself but hopefully not too late to save my marriage/family.

Helps to hear from other people who have been in the same position.

If I knew my husband was working himself to the bone all hours providing for us and having to pay for a nanny/cleaner etc while I spent my time on a company that didn’t earn anything, and if I sat at home in the evenings chilling out rather than on my laptop doing research/trying to drum up more business/trying to find a new job, and if I was also reckless with money, and if he had all the mental load for the whole family, I wouldn’t expect him to respect me very much either.

This is what you need to say to your DH. He needs to be pulling his weight in one way or another and he’s not. He gave up his job to start this business, he agreed to get financial backing elsewhere and he didn’t. He’s being financially irresponsible, I’m guessing growing up as he did that’s no surprise, and YOU are baring the brunt of it. It HAS to stop. Either he looks after the children and you stop paying for a nanny or you keep paying the nanny and he goes back to work.

All of this bullshit about if the genders were reversed is just that, bullshit. No one would be supporting a woman whose husband was at the end of his rope, working all hours to pay for everything, including paying for a nanny while she twatted around with a little ‘business’ (UNLESS they’d agreed to it).

It’s no wonder you have no respect for him. He quit his job and left ALL of the responsibility to you.

As for you EX, do as you say, just stop contacting him and when he contacts you just be ‘too busy this week’ or ignore his texts. Don’t think about it as ‘cutting contact forever’. The thought of cutting contact forever is making you panic and want/need the contact. Just let it drift for now, he’ll always be there if you want contact in the future. (Mainly because he’s an untrustworthy shag about, who won’t be faithful to whoever he’s with, he’s not a good bloke but you don’t need to work through that just now, just settle for knowing he’s there if you want him and he’s not going anywhere).

Back to you & DH - you HAVE to have that conversation. You HAVE to spell it out to him that this cannot continue. You are not bankrolling a nanny so that he can tiddle about. He needs to either look after the children and the house and work in this business in his spare time OR get another job. Either way, you need to give the nanny notice and IF he gets another job, reassess childcare then.

His reaction to this will tell you a lot.

You might find that his unwillingness to pull his weight in anyway means it’s the end of your marriage, irrespective of anything else.

His silver spoon is hindering him in life.

You said upthread you could use your new perspective on your ex to change how you feel about your H, who would not treat you like that.

I think you should keep the two things separate. You probably got with your H because he would not treat you like that. But in my opinion he is just treating you badly in another way. You are working long hours, providing everything and being taken for a mug, really. It would be different if he looked after your resources, but he is frittering them.

What would your life look like with fewer hours and no husband?

Geez, your post says a lot more about you than it does about me in my opinion.

I think how defensive you are says a lot, in my opinion.

I am in a very privileged position. I left my husband, who was shit with money and ran his own business. He spent recklessly as well. I didn't love him. So I left.

I earn good money and have no interest in anyone else's.

AnnieAnoniMooose Thanks - very good post.

Thatsfuckingshit Just don’t imply (or outright say, which you pretty much did) that I am staying with DH because one day he will get a big inheritance. That’s just bullshit and I would never think like that. This is about respect, not money.

AnnieAnoniMoose Brilliant post.

If your DH's parents are Multi Millionaires, then I presume that he is going to inherit ££££££ - and all of your money worries will be over.

I would at least hang on in there, until they croak it

Oops, cross posted there.

You're a bigger person than me Op. I would certainly be influenced by the inheritance. Most people would. They just wouldn't say so.

The OP will probably be retired by the time her husband inherits anything, she needs some quality of life now.

I am incredibly anxious about money because I grew up with in a single parent family where he had no money at all - literally not enough to buy food at the end of the month, we were always behind on the mortgage, and I knew about these worries and lived them from as long as I can remember. Me too. I once had boyfriend from a similar background to your DH - we broke up for other reasons but I think if we'd stayed together the disparity in our attitudes to money would have driven me mad. I still see the mutual friends I met him though occasionally - they've all had property bought for them, school fees paid by family trusts, someone always has a lovely house near the beach they can borrow etc. But they all work in creative roles and bang on about how little they're paid. It's Marie-Antoinette syndrome and it's infuriating.

Just don’t imply (or outright say, which you pretty much did) that I am staying with DH because one day he will get a big inheritance. That’s just bullshit and I would never think like that. This is about respect, not money.

I didn't imply it. I said it. I wouldn't blame you, if you did think 'yeah I pay for stuff now, but he will be able to eventually'.

In fairness, regardless of how rich your in-laws are, marriage tends to mean that expenses are covered between spouses. Why on earth should they bankroll him?

This. Just leave him already, you don’t like him, have cheated on him and slag him off online. Why are you with him? Leave, he will get primary care for the kids and you can pay him child support. You will only need a nanny on the days you have them which will save you money.

Just wanted to say thank you for everyone who gave their advice, particularly HuskyLover1 and Dadaist who said some particularly on-point things. I know I wasn’t deserving of a very sympathetic response so I am grateful for everyone who gave it to me anyway.