Married but in love with another man - please help

[Dandylie]

I really hope someone can help as I am falling apart over this.

I have been married to DH for 5 years (together for 8) and we have 2 young DC. DH is a really good man. He’s funny, charming, honourable, kind, and is a great Dad. He’s probably the most well-liked man I know and we have a great lifestyle. But some resentment has crept into our marriage as he doesn’t earn much (has his own small business), I don’t feel is working hard enough and is hopeless with money. I am far and away the main breadwinner (and work very long hours because in a job I don’t really like) and have begun to lose respect for him. I feel a bit like I have three children sometimes. We haven’t had sex in nearly 3 years - I just don’t want to, even though I still find DH handsome. To show you what a good man DH is, he hasn’t got angry or pressured me about that, although he obviously misses sex very much.

My ex got in touch for the first time in a while a few months ago - we went out nearly 25 years ago and he was my first love (although perhaps infatuation is a better word as I was only 17 and we only went out for 6 months). I was beyond devastated when we broke up, never really got over him and we have always been in touch since and occasionally met up - sometimes years have gone by between contact but I thought of him very often. He was always in a long term relationship, then married, so although it was clear we were always attracted to each other nothing really happened (although it did occasionally).

Fast forward to now, he is divorced and we have met up a few times and are in daily contact. We have kissed and it went a bit further on one occasion (although not sex). I am not very proud of this.

I am completely besotted with him and I don’t know what to do. I think about him every minute of the day and it’s made me feel even further apart from DH.

Would I be mad to be considering leaving DH to be with my ex - not that my ex has asked me to, although he’s told me (when I asked) that if I was single he would want to be with me. I have no idea if I can trust my ex - truth is I don’t know him that well. I actually feel he is pulling away a bit now, as I keep changing my mind about what I want.

I would be putting my own wants ahead of my DH and my children - I can’t do that can I? Is it normal to feel this way in a marriage?

I can’t sleep, I have lost so much weight and I can’t concentrate on work. I can’t find joy in anything unless it is my ex texting me. I feel like I have gone a bit mad in truth.

If anyone could give me some advice I would really appreciate it.

You are having an emotional affair OP.

She is having an affair. She has kissed this man and gone further not just full sex.

I am the lower earner in our relationship - I work part-time in a perfectly respectable job in education. My husband is a high earner.

There is a ceiling on what I can earn. Even the highest-paid jobs in my field (which I am good at!) are relatively low paid compared to city careers. I already have postgraduate qualifications. I actually tried a career in finance for a year but wasn’t suited to it at all. In my present job I am happy, ambitious and work hard at what I do.

It is a horrible feeling to feel criticised for something that you cannot change. You knew your husband’s skillset before you married, I assume?

What you could do is look at ways to make your own working life better and also, jointly, to think about ways to boost his business.

Being "in love" fulfills many of the diagnostic criteria for psychotic illness. This is how you should regard your infatuation - a temporary illness from which you will recover; and certainly not something to disrupt your childen's happiness. They are the priority. This will pass.

Transfer the energy that you are putting into this affair (it IS an affair) into patching up your marriage. You have a decent bloke there - thank your lucky stars. Go to Relate and try and sort this out.

Your H needs to stop spending money recklessly and you need to find a job you like. If that mean H finds another job too, so he’s bringing in more money, then fine. There’s nothing wrong in having a better balance and I’d say that to a woman too, if her H was feeling too much pressure providing for the family.

Ditch the ex boyfriend he’s using you.

I would be concerned that in your situation where you are working long hours and your husband is providing more childcare than you are, that it would be quite possible for him to remain the primary carer of the children of you were to leave.

As he should. He is their main carer.

op you said your husband has stiff upper lip. maybe he isnt happy and doesnt say it. 3 years is a long time not to have sex for a man. you work long hours, how do you know he hasnt have an affair?

The thing is the OP won't be listening such is the grip infatuation takes.
I did this and left my h.
The fallout is still felt to this day for everyone.
OP will not be living past the last text message that's how crazy limmerance is.
I got rid of affair partner by accepting it was an addiction and treating it as such. OMG I look back now and cringe.
OP it is not worth it. But you won't be listening.

But then again OP you have only met up a few times so you could nip it in the bud NOW.
Why are you considering such wild things as leaving for someone you don't even KNOW.
You are being crazy. STOP it now!

Mishappening and feckers2018 You are tight I am infatuated and I do almost feel psychotic. I feel like I have lost my head completely. I am close to tears constantly except when he texts me, when it is honestly like a high from a drug.

It is such a horrible feeling and I don’t know how the hell to get rid of it.

*right not tight

Bluebell34567 I think he probably isn’t happy but would never show it. He really is an honourable person and I know he would never have an affair. He would stay in a marriage until the bitter end, even if was miserable, and act like everything was fine. He is very English and doesn’t show his emotions at all.

You get rid of it by taking away the option to feed it OP.

YOU need to stop this, he wont. of course he wont, why would he??

Go now, right now and block him. And delete his number and don't go and write it down somewhere for just in case. Get rid of it to stop the temptation. Yes its like a drug.. Its a high.

Have you done it yet?

Isthismylifenow I know his number off by heart I’m afraid - I wish I didn’t. Your earlier post was helpful by the way and resonated a lot.

feckers2018 Did you leave your husband for the other man? What happened - do you regret it?

Having been through something similar, I would like to offer my opinion.

Leaving a marriage is utterly devastating, for everyone, especially the children involved. I left my DH, and it took me a few years to get the separation sorted. For the last 10 months of that, OM came on the scene. So, I was leaving my marriage regardless, but of course, now OM was around, I expected that when DH and I had separated, that he would be there for me. I had 2 children (aged 11 & 9) and OM had none. My relationship with OM was great. Plenty of dates, weekends away together, contstant texting and calling. About a week before moving out of the marital home, and into my new place, the OM dumped me. Coincidence? Nah, I don't think so. You see, having fun with a married woman, who can make no demands on you, is so much more fun, than actually having a proper relationship, and taking on a step-parental role to 2 kids. Now, I would have left my husband anyway, so it wasn't the end of the world, but imagine if I had left my husband for the OM!

Your Ex sounds like a dickhead, quite frankly :

A) He is messing around with a married woman (no decent bloke does that).

B) He didn't choose you, when you were a shiny 17 year old. He sure as eggs isn't going to pick you now, with all the baggage (2 kids and angry Ex, and a post baby body) that comes with. Sorry, I know that's very harsh!!

C) In NO WAY, does this man have your best interests at heart. He knows your marriage is rocky. He knows that divorce with kids is Horrendous, and yet, still, he toys with your emotions, and makes your situation harder to deal with. A good friend would step away, or give advice on how to try to save your marriage.

Your OM is lying about why he and his Ex separated. Men don't just stop wanting sex with thei wives for no reason. So, unless she gained 5 dress sizes, that is utter bullshit. So, I guess we can add a D to the points above : he's a liar.

He's already going cold on you. Why? I would bet my liver, that if you called him up this evening, and told him that you and the kids had left home, and you were on the way to his, that he would have his Nikes on, before you put the phone down. In fact, why don't you actually call his bluff and gauge his reaction –which will be to dump you--

The huge elephant in the room here, is the lack of sex with your DH. Guaranteed, if you and he had a fantastic sex life, you wouldn't be giving the Ex any headspace. So I think you REALLY need to get this back on track.

Finally, if you do ignore all of the above, ask your self these few questions:

1. Are you happy to see your children cry regularly, and to keep asking why you can't be a family any more?

2. Are you happy to spend alternate Christmasses alone (when EXH has the kids)

3. Are you happy to only spend half of the day with your children on their birthdays?

4. Are you happy to wave your children off on holiday with your ExH, and not worry about them going missing/drowning in the pool (because there's only one parent watching 2 kids)

5. Are you happy to lose half of all of your friends

6. Are you happy for ExH to hate you for the rest of time

7. Are you happy to have less money

8. Are you happy that the children will (in time) have a Step Mum, who might actually be a bitch to them (my ExH partner attacked my daughter, I had a thread on here at the time)

9. Are you happy for ExH family to never talk to you again

I could go on, and on, and on, about the painfulness of divorce. But seeing your children broken, is the worst of all.

TLDR : Ex is a red herring. Try, with herculean effort, to fix your marriage, before you throw a hand grenade in to your little family.

FWIW, I did go on to meet a lovely man, and am now happily married. Kids are grown and they get on well with him. BUT. If I had my time over, at the very least I would have waited until they left home, to leave the marriage.

Huskylover1 that is a very helpful post, thanks. The bit about seeing my children cry has really hit home. And don’t worry about being harsh - I think I need some harsh truths. Thanks for taking the time.

And his ex-wife is actually very pretty. I don’t know why he would stop wanting to have sex with her.

Great post Husky. OP, I second everything Husky has said.

You do know that him not wanting to sleep with his ex is not the full story. There is a lot more to that than you have been told.

Divorce and separation suggestions get flown around a lot. Look, there are instances that there is no other option, as in abuse etc. I am fresh from divorce, only been a few months. I can assure you that it is not easy and simple and it impacts your life in ways you will never expect. It is an absolute last resort imo. Go and reread your posts OP. Look at what you wrote imagining you are not in your situation, clouded. Read them as if you were one of us on the outside.

Put the om to one side for the time being. He is irrelevant.

You need to be making decisions about your marriage in the assumption that if you were to end it it would be to be on your own.

You are not exactly clear about your it's work and childcare commitments but it sounds like you have a ft nanny? and a dh who doesn't really have a ft job. So although he does some childcare because you don't get in from work until 10pm he couldn't be classed as a sahd? And you feel he is coasting somewhat while you flog yourself in a job you hate.

I think you need to sit down with dh and thrash this out. You are being made miserable by the situation so it's naturally making you want to escape from it by whatever method. If he needs to do more so you can work less or appreciate him more then this needs to happen. The respect and the love cannot return without this. And until the respect and love return you will not eliminate the om from your thoughts.

That should be oh's work and childcare commitments , not it's

Goof post by huskylover1.

There are many on mn who advocate divorce very quickly. Who say that it's better for children to have divorced parents than have parents who are staying together for their sakes. I don't think it's always as simple as that if the parents can maintain an amicable relationship.
(Not saying that this will be the case for op whose dc are quite young still?)

Three years with no sex and your "wonderful" husband hasn't made so much as a peep about it??

I think you're looking at the wrong things as the problem in your marriage. I doubt he has the wrist of a man who's been "working it" for three years straight... but perhaps I'm a cynic.

Agree with everything ferrier has said.

Also, just to add, my OM was seeing other women (I found out when he texted me a message meant for one of them, by accident). It is EXTREMELY likely, that your Ex is texting and seeing, multiple women. Please don't be as naive as to think otherwise. He's not even getting full sex from you, and trust me HE WILL BE GETTING SEX FROM SOMEWHERE

If you can afford it, I'd book a holiday, maybe even without the kids. Get away from the drudge, and focus on your DH.

ALL marriages have ups and downs. You can fix your job. You can fix his spending. What you can NEVER fix, is if you or your DH fuck someone else. Then it's curtains.

I'm glad that the thought of your kids upset, has given you pause. My daughter cried on and off for years, about our divorce. It's 10 years on now, and finally she's ok with it. It took a LONG, LONG time for her to recover. I will NEVER ever rid myself of the guilt of what I did, and how it affected her childhood. I wanted to be the perfect Mum, but I will never be able to be that now, not after the pain I caused. My first husband constantly cheated on me (10 women +) which is why I left, but even so, given my time over, I'd have sucked it up, and waited until the kids were grown. Hindsight is a wonderful thing! But as a PP said, you can never appreciate the utter devastation of divorce until you've lived through it.

Please, please give your head a wobble. Look at your Ex for what he is. HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

He has played with you now, for over 20 years. He has picked you up, and dropped you before. If you give him enough ammunition, he is going to blow apart your family, and then most likely he will fuck off without a backward glance. He won't want to raise your kids, that's for sure.

End this madness now.

Some very insightful posts. So OP you get to leave and be with the OM, forget all the other fall out from it and you sail into the sunset together. You will still be working in your job and not arriving home until 10pm, you'll still have responsibility of your DC's (sole at times if you're separated) your DC will still have additional needs. How do you see the shiny OM realistically fitting in with that? It's hard enough with other people's DC's when you're used to having children, it's even more challenging when you've never had the ties, noise or responsibility before

If you're not coming in until late at night, it sounds like your DH is primary carer to the children, though. You can't expect him to work comparable hours to you if he is picking up the slack there. I certainly wouldn't be pleased if my DH lost respect for me if I didn't work when I have children to be there for.

You do sound as if you've been unfaithful at different points to varying degrees over the marriage and you're not likely to stop now. It's selfish and you're going to hurt people. Don't ditch this new guy because he's as selfish as you are. Ditch him because what you're doing is just old-fashioned wrong.