Married but in love with another man - please help

[Dandylie]

I really hope someone can help as I am falling apart over this.

I have been married to DH for 5 years (together for 8) and we have 2 young DC. DH is a really good man. He’s funny, charming, honourable, kind, and is a great Dad. He’s probably the most well-liked man I know and we have a great lifestyle. But some resentment has crept into our marriage as he doesn’t earn much (has his own small business), I don’t feel is working hard enough and is hopeless with money. I am far and away the main breadwinner (and work very long hours because in a job I don’t really like) and have begun to lose respect for him. I feel a bit like I have three children sometimes. We haven’t had sex in nearly 3 years - I just don’t want to, even though I still find DH handsome. To show you what a good man DH is, he hasn’t got angry or pressured me about that, although he obviously misses sex very much.

My ex got in touch for the first time in a while a few months ago - we went out nearly 25 years ago and he was my first love (although perhaps infatuation is a better word as I was only 17 and we only went out for 6 months). I was beyond devastated when we broke up, never really got over him and we have always been in touch since and occasionally met up - sometimes years have gone by between contact but I thought of him very often. He was always in a long term relationship, then married, so although it was clear we were always attracted to each other nothing really happened (although it did occasionally).

Fast forward to now, he is divorced and we have met up a few times and are in daily contact. We have kissed and it went a bit further on one occasion (although not sex). I am not very proud of this.

I am completely besotted with him and I don’t know what to do. I think about him every minute of the day and it’s made me feel even further apart from DH.

Would I be mad to be considering leaving DH to be with my ex - not that my ex has asked me to, although he’s told me (when I asked) that if I was single he would want to be with me. I have no idea if I can trust my ex - truth is I don’t know him that well. I actually feel he is pulling away a bit now, as I keep changing my mind about what I want.

I would be putting my own wants ahead of my DH and my children - I can’t do that can I? Is it normal to feel this way in a marriage?

I can’t sleep, I have lost so much weight and I can’t concentrate on work. I can’t find joy in anything unless it is my ex texting me. I feel like I have gone a bit mad in truth.

If anyone could give me some advice I would really appreciate it.

I mean, you're hardly likely to resent him less if he gave up work and became a sahd eh, and presumably his working less enables you to work more by taking care of the children?

If you have lost respect for him that is quite irretrievable. But you still sound like you like him, is it not work trying to rejig and find yourselves again?

if ever my husband had approached me and told me he had fallen for someone else I would take this at face value. I would have backed off, given space and (assuming I still wanted to stay in the relationship) have waited for things to run their course.
If my husband said this...I'd give him space and file for divorce. I have too much pride and self worth to go through that.

OP... being the CIE (chief income earner) can be stressful for either gender.

I'm not a fan of people pursuing businesses which arent lucrative for years on end.

Leaving the OM aside you need to discuss your DHs carelessness with money and somehow tackle the lack of intimacy.

I understand what you're saying about losing respect despite how you've been criticised for it on here.

I'd like to know if I dropped dead tomorrow my DH can provide for our DC.

Would you really blame your DH if he had an affair?

I'd be worried he hasn't been saying anything to you about it. It's possible he's romantically detached from you in that regard and views the marriage as a coparent arrangement now.

Affairs never end well. They add stress to an already difficult situation.

I don’t really understand this - he doesn’t pay for anything else - I pay for mortgage, food, bills, nursery, car. I just think he should at least pay for himself to work (i.e. pay for the nanny).
OP, maybe this kind of thinking is an indicator of why you are having problems and feeling resentment. Why aren't both your wages money for the family? Do you have separate spending allowances based on personal wages? If not, I don't see why it matters whose wages paid for what. It's clear you haven't been happy being the main breadwinner, but haven't accepted that this is generally the case in relationships with kids, though usually the male.
You aren't serious about stopping your relationship with ex, if you keep pursuing him for an explanation which makes you feel justified in ending it. He's hardly likely to tell you he was just using you, is he? You need to get serious about cutting him off, if this is what you intend to do. Stop clinging on for tiny bits of attention.
@butterballs6. Yes, it sounds simplistic, but that is what every piece of advice on here boils down to. Fix your marriage or leave. They are the only decent and moral options. I don't have all the detailed advice, plenty of other ppl are offering this. But that is indeed what OP should do.

So I think it goes like this ...

You’ve stored up resentments that you DH is not pulling his weight while you buckle under pressure - and the harder it gets for you the more you notice how DH has a different life that feeds off yours. You feel you weren’t supposed to have this and your relationship suffers and you begin to yearn for some sense of relief - some escape.

Enter OM and feelings and emotions are released and it feels wonderful and special. A taste of heaven. And you are no longer a mother with drudgery and responsibilities. And you slip into ‘teenage brain’ where everything is about you and what you deserve.
And you feel entitled to this piece of happiness, and you start to crave it. And you think you can handle the downsides - the deceit and the guilt - for the lovely moments. And then you find yourself wanting more - and needing more to get the same feeling. And the craving is more intense. And slowly but surely the craving overtakes everything - except now you need that connection just to feel normal. And you become desperate - and that’s where you are right now? Needing the contact just to get in with the next day, the next afternoon, the next hour.

But it’s no way to live and it isn’t real. And there is no happy ending - it’s all fantasy. And now the true cost of your affair is starting to be realised. You would give up your marriage - but what about the impact on your children and their home and family security and material existence and having to be split between parents? And for what - sacrificed to serve the selfish teenage brain that’s taken over your daily life? It then sounds absurd. But it’s intensely painful to shift back.

So - deep breath Dandylie - you need to realise that no good can come from your fantasy attachment - and whatever it is it isn’t love. It tastes wonderful but you can’t live off it.

So deal with those resentments and burdens and hardships that brought you to this point and maybe the desperate cravings will start to fade.

I hope you can work it out. If it really is too hard - then tell your DH - it might well offer an instant cure! Back to reality - and an honest appraisal of how bad your marriage has become (it seems gruesome). But it can - with some work be a better fix for your life than destroying so much to gain so little.

Dadaist Thank you - you have hit the nail on the head 100%. I never thought this affair would hurt me - I thought if I kept it hidden from DH it couldn’t hurt anyone. I’ve been incredibly stupid and naive.

I just hope I can work my way back to where I was. I am the sort of person who can get utterly fixated on something or someone so it’s going to be incredibly hard.

Thanks for both your posts - they’ve been very helpful.

you must be feeling very sensitive now, I guess.
i wish there was some cure, like an ad, to cover your anxiety.
i wish you all the strength. but, i think you will manage, after all you are able to work long hours at a job you dont like.

Absolutely amazing double standards here on MN.... If the genders were reversed, the Op would be a pile of smouldering ashes by now..... R fooling around on your husband who u have refused to have sex with for 2 years... U are going to destroy him and your kids for a teenage fantasy?? Grow up!!

Olikingcharles Thank you I need to hear stories like this. I’m so sorry you are in the position you are in and can well believe it lead you to a suicide attempt. If I keep going as I am I think I am weeks away from a nervous breakdown. I can’t sleep and have become absolutely skeletal because I can’t eat either.

Could your partner not forgive you if it was only an emotional affair (I am not downplaying an EA - I just think men find that easier to forgive than a physical affair)?

As of today I am really trying to go NC with my ex and to turn all my energies back to my marriage. If it doesn’t work after a couple of months, I will have to reassess. But I know I can’t leave DH because of ex - this thread has helped me to see ex doesn’t love me.

BeenThereDone I do see what you mean and maybe I will get flamed for this but I think a lot of men (not all but a lot) have affairs a lot of the time for the sex - there is no emotional attachment.

For me, I feel very lonely and my ex reached out to me and really laid it on thick. I would never have gone looking for anything. And I don’t really care about sex - to me this is love. I love my ex and I have since I was 17 years old.

I’ll get leapt on for this probably and don’t get me wrong I am thoroughly ashamed of myself for what I have done - but I feel less dishonourable than I would if I had gone looking for sex and excitement.

These things happen. What I think you really need to do is talk properly to your husband. Tell him how unhappy you are with the status quo. Tell him you have started daydreaming about if it could be different. Drag his English bum to marriage counselling. Your marriage needs work and BOTH of you need to apply yourselves.

P.S. You are your ex’s backup. He sounds a right bellend.

Thanks ToothTrauma for being understanding. It does actually help when people say he sounds like a bell-end/whatever! I have put him on a massive pedestal and he probably doesn’t deserve to be on it.

It sounds as if your ex is not even that interested in you now, if he isn’t trying to set up meetings etc.

You really would be throwing it all away for nothing.

MaybeDoctor You could be right, I don’t know. Basically I got annoyed with him a couple of weeks ago because I felt he was just texting me when he was bored, attempting last minute hook-ups (i.e. texting me at 6pm saying to go over to his flat) and not making any proper effort to see me (I had said I wanted to meet to meet somewhere for a drink to talk, not go to his flat).

I went pretty cold on him (fairly short replies to his texts) and finally said I didn’t want to do this any more as the way he was behaving wasn’t good enough. I said I didn’t feel the same about him (not true - was just trying to hurt him I think).

I apologised a few days later and it turned out he hadn’t tried to meet up with me recently because he was quite ill (I know now for a fact that is true). I said I couldn’t do the whole hook-up thing and that I needed to have a really strong emotional connection to someone to have sex. Which he said he understood.

It was the second time I had tried to break things off and although I got in touch a few days later and asked him to meet up (I said I was really struggling and needed some answers about things to get my head straight) he has said no - he is annoyed with me for messing him around and now he has just found out his best friend is terminally ill and says he will be spending all his time with him/doesn’t have head space to think about anything else.

Up until yesterday I was texted him about his friend and trying to be supportive but he was not really giving much back (fair enough).

So bottom line is I don’t know how he feels about me but my gut says I can’t trust him.

NC for this. Don't get any more involved than you have and go NC with your ex. It does not sound like he has your best interests at heart.

My OM wasn't an ex, but your Pandora's Box description really resonated with me. I had an 8-month affair, both physical and emotional and fell for OM (who was single) very strongly. It ended 6 months ago when my husband of 12 years found a text message. It has about destroyed him, and I hurt so much for him because I truly never meant to hurt him. I am very fortunate that he is sticking with me for now and we are trying to make it work. I love him very much but don't think I am in love with him. We have young DC and I cannot separate with him, which would be the right thing to do, because of them.

I am also in the horrible position of longing for what I cannot have (OM) and am all over the place mentally. I wish I could say that I haven't seen him since my husband found out, but I have. OM has never said he loved me, I have no idea if I love him, yet every contact with him has me soaring. It is a complete emotional addiction. If I could do my time again and was thinking straight at the time, I would have kept well away from him. I honestly don't think I can ever be happy again.

But reading this thread and all the replies have been very helpful for me too, and I am determined to cut OM out of my life.

Barbayagar Thanks for your post. You just don’t really realise the effect an affair can have on your mental state do you? You know that if your DH found it it would be devastating for them but you don’t think it can affect you if you keep it secret. I don’t think women are very good at compartmentalising sex from emotions and once we turn our affections to the OM it is very hard to feel the same way about your husband.

I am very scared about what you said about thinking you can never be happy again. I think if you cut out the OM (as I am trying to do now), you at least stand a fighting chance. Did your OM ever say he wanted you to leave your husband for him or was he happy with the status quo?

The problem is we are not comparing like with like - an OM who we see for a few thrilling moments with none of the real world drudgery when we are both putting our best selves forward, and a DH who has been with us day in day out through raising children, paying bills, illness, seen us at our worst and vice versus. But it is that DH who has been the one to stand by us.

I’ll message you if that’s OK and maybe we can try to support each other.

Absolutely amazing double standards here on MN.... If the genders were reversed, the Op would be a pile of smouldering ashes by now..... R fooling around on your husband who u have refused to have sex with for 2 years... U are going to destroy him and your kids for a teenage fantasy?? Grow up!!

^this

Why have you let this get to this stage. Why are you so resentful about being the main earner in the household? You sound like quite a selfish person from your OP. You have a perfect husband in every other way but because he doesn't earn enough money in your eyes you resent him. Do him a favour and leave him then, before you have a full blown affair behind his back and completely humilliate the poor man!

Oh wait are you already having a full blown affair? I didn't read the entire thread. Even worse!

Timeisslippingaway I have kissed my ex and on one occasion it went further but we haven’t had sex. Not that any of that is OK.

It’s not really that he’s not earning enough - it’s that he’s not trying very hard to earn more and he is reckless with money. That he is apparently happy for me to spend all my time in an incredibly stressful, difficult and lonely job that I hate, in order to provide for us all.

That he would rather I keep doing that than go to his family (who are very, very rich) and ask them for help.

It is hard to respect that and it is hard to be sexually attracted to a man you don’t respect.

One minute you say you have a very good lifestyle then you say you are just working to keep food on the table and could be doing with hangouts from you OH family, which is it?
You might aswell have sex with him, you are already having an affair.

*hand outs, not hangouts

@Dandylie, please do message me, as I would love if we could try and support each other. I did mean to end my post with saying that.

I was completely black and white about not having an affair before I met him and it never crossed my mind at all. At no point has the OM ever said he wants me to leave DH for him, if he did, I don't know what I would actually do but would probably need to give it serious thought. We never have really spoken about how we feel about each other, it's always been that place we don't go, and you are correct, our times together are all about the high, and none of the real world. And a high it always is, whether it is a few snatched minutes or a drink in the pub.

Hope to hear from you.

Well ladies time to step into the real word and decide what you actually want and put yourselves in your husbands shoes.

That he is apparently happy for me to spend all my time in an incredibly stressful, difficult and lonely job that I hate, in order to provide for us all.

Pretty much like all other primary household earners then. Do you think you are unique in your role. Millions of people trudge off to work every day to do a job that very few of them actively enjoy (if not hate) knowing full well that their income is the only thing keeping a roof over their family's head, food on the table and bills paid.