Married but in love with another man - please help

[Dandylie]

I really hope someone can help as I am falling apart over this.

I have been married to DH for 5 years (together for 8) and we have 2 young DC. DH is a really good man. He’s funny, charming, honourable, kind, and is a great Dad. He’s probably the most well-liked man I know and we have a great lifestyle. But some resentment has crept into our marriage as he doesn’t earn much (has his own small business), I don’t feel is working hard enough and is hopeless with money. I am far and away the main breadwinner (and work very long hours because in a job I don’t really like) and have begun to lose respect for him. I feel a bit like I have three children sometimes. We haven’t had sex in nearly 3 years - I just don’t want to, even though I still find DH handsome. To show you what a good man DH is, he hasn’t got angry or pressured me about that, although he obviously misses sex very much.

My ex got in touch for the first time in a while a few months ago - we went out nearly 25 years ago and he was my first love (although perhaps infatuation is a better word as I was only 17 and we only went out for 6 months). I was beyond devastated when we broke up, never really got over him and we have always been in touch since and occasionally met up - sometimes years have gone by between contact but I thought of him very often. He was always in a long term relationship, then married, so although it was clear we were always attracted to each other nothing really happened (although it did occasionally).

Fast forward to now, he is divorced and we have met up a few times and are in daily contact. We have kissed and it went a bit further on one occasion (although not sex). I am not very proud of this.

I am completely besotted with him and I don’t know what to do. I think about him every minute of the day and it’s made me feel even further apart from DH.

Would I be mad to be considering leaving DH to be with my ex - not that my ex has asked me to, although he’s told me (when I asked) that if I was single he would want to be with me. I have no idea if I can trust my ex - truth is I don’t know him that well. I actually feel he is pulling away a bit now, as I keep changing my mind about what I want.

I would be putting my own wants ahead of my DH and my children - I can’t do that can I? Is it normal to feel this way in a marriage?

I can’t sleep, I have lost so much weight and I can’t concentrate on work. I can’t find joy in anything unless it is my ex texting me. I feel like I have gone a bit mad in truth.

If anyone could give me some advice I would really appreciate it.

Life’s not black and white - and nobody knows what goes on in a marriage except those involved. People who judge have never had complicated situations. Good luck.

Actually I'm judging because I was on the receiving end of someone else's complicated situation and it buggered my life up completely for about five years.

Eden80 Her husband doesn’t know about her cheating.

Everything isn’t black and white, you’re right. I’m sure some affairs do amount to something for the couple involved but it’s still wrong and he rhusband has a right to know so he can choose wether to end things or not.

Maybe the husband should have kept his word too ...

Do him a favour and leave him then, before you have a full blown affair behind his back and completely humilliate the poor man!

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These sorts of comments are really weird. The OP's husband must realize, on one level or another, that she is just 'not that into him' as they say. Why doesn't he leave her if she is that bad? If the OP is as awful as some of the posters here are suggesting, then surely her husband would want out?

For what it is worth, I was unhappy in my relationship for ages but stayed for all sorts of reasons. My soon to be ex has a girlfriend. He has been on numerous holidays with her, sexy dates, amazing nights out etc, etc - yet he STILL does not want to split up with me.

According to many on here I would have been the wicked woman with emotional affairs under my belt. So if I am that awful, why didn't soon to be ex jump ship years ago?

Why doesn't he leave her if she is that bad? If the OP is as awful as some of the posters here are suggesting, then surely her husband would want out?

Maybe he has no idea of the depth of her aversion to him. She has been lying about why she doesn't want sex, pretending it's something personal to her and not 'them'. He may not realise she is seething with resentment and dislike. Perhaps he loves the 'her' she has presented to him (which is all he has the opportunity to love). He may also set some stock (unlike her) by his marriage vows - many people don't feel able to just abandon them and leave. And he almost certainly doesn't want to live apart from his children - something women don't have to consider to the same extent. There are all sorts of reasons why a partner may choose to stay with someone who is rotten to them.

Honestly when I read these types of threads I just can't imagine why anyone would ever, in a million years, want to get married.

It just sounds so MISERABLE.

Can someone start a happy marriage thread? A genuine one?

butterballs9

Given that further up the thread you were married. Is that a rhetorical question?

I've been trying to get out of my marriage for at least four years. Probably much longer.

I know there must be some people who are happily married - actually I was for quite a long time (with a few hiccups!) so I know it is possible.

But it is very difficult to get out of a marriage - particularly if one person wants out and the other doesn't, which seems to often be the case.

Heartsease - yes, all that makes sense and I think one can probably add that people do not want change and there is always a hope that things will get better.

To be fair, in my marriage there were ups and downs but we always overcame them. Then there came a time when I no longer wanted to do things with my husband. At that point, I realized it was effectively over and if I tried to pretend it wasn't I was living a huge lie.

It's never easy and most people don't give up on a marriage lightly - I know I didn't.

What does ‘trying to get out of your marriage’ even mean?
Perhaps you mean pretending everything is fine and dandy - which is trying to hide, and paint a face and wonder why nothing changes.

@dandylie, give your marriage a last shot by disclosing your problems with your husband....... You are after a successful person but your ex made it on his own, not with you........ So, talk to your husband and address your problems in your marriage because if you can't tell your problem to your husband how can he improve himself and work on his marriage......... I think it was use less for you to come here...... All you had to do was to talk to your husband

Leave. Your husband is living in a sexless marriage with a woman who doesn't respect or value him. Set him free to find someone worthy of his love

Difficult OP, very difficult.
Love is a funny old thing, and makes us lose our minds.
Part of me thinks just go for it, but another part of me says stay with OH and make a go of it.
Why don't you speak to someone neutral. This thread will confuse the hell out of you with so many opinions.

Most long-term relationships go through troughs and it sounds as if you're in a deep one at the moment! Having young children and working long hours definitely eats away at the romance, but it doesn't need to be a permanent state of affairs.

Your DH may not be a high-earner or good with money, but as PPs have said, those are things that can be changed - he can learn how to be better with money and if his business isn't making enough (and you need to work less), he can find something else.

What's more important is what kind of person he is, and from what you're saying, he's kind, supportive, a good Dad, patient (not complaining about lack of sex :-) and "probably the person I would most want to sit across dinner from in the world." IMO, those are good reasons to keep trying with your marriage, because he sounds like someone you DO like and respect really, and could be happy with long-term.

You've got used to not being intimate with him, but I bet you could get back into it if you give it a try. . You still find him attractive, you're just out of practice.

The whole Ex thing sounds like a daydream, it's not worth pursuing. Your DH sounds like the one to pursue...have a few daydreams about him instead.

@AmICrazyorWhat2, a practical thought in a real world..... I gave it an applause...... Thats what I wanted to tell OP.......... You literally took the words out of my mouth

The ex sounds like best left in the past (the kind who left you first, can cheat on his gf with you - he'll then do the same to you too)

It's normal to feel attracted to someone while you are married. It happens. And then it passes. It's important not to act on it.

Bloodydisfrace - remember the OP is a cheat too.
I thunk if it were the other way round, we would be hammering the man for cheating. The OP has got off lightly.

How are you doing OP?

Hi Diskouri thanks for checking in.

Well I’d like to say I haven’t been in touch with OM since but that wouldn’t be true - after I stopped messaging him he re-doubled his efforts and I caved in (pathetic I know). I have met up with him once - last week - and asked him the questions I wanted to ask. Whilst he didn’t say it directly, I read between the lines and it confirmed what you all thought - that he was just using me. I think he is lonely since his divorce and liked the ego boost of knowing I was completely besotted with him. I don’t think he cares about me much at all.

Thankfully, my infatuation is wearing off and I am not going to continue texting or seeing him now.

I have spoken to DH and we’ve agreed to go to couples counselling and he’s agreed to sort out work/money. We’re also going away on our own together next month and trying to have a date night once a week. Truth be told I am not sure I can get things back on track - it is the sex thing that is the problem - but I’m going to give it my all until Christmas and if I can’t fix it we will separate - but it will be to be on my own, not with OM.

Good for you OP! Keep an open mind. It may well be fixable. And even if it isn’t, you will know you gave it your best shot. Which is what you owe your husband, your children, and yourself.

Good luck!

@Dandylie, sex will be back in your life once you see your husband improving and making money and putting his effort........ Just give it some time....... Tell your hubby to workout so he could stay fit....... Your husband will become strong, you just focus on him for a while

@Dandylie - have you thought this through? Are you contemplating going into couples counselling and lying about what’s been going on? Do you think that you can fix things when you’ve spent so much time, energy and emotional investment on someone your other half knows nothing about? And how will you explain away your apparent disconnection? Will you say it was DHs behaviour when it was that you were besotted with someone else? That could be very cruel.

I think you need to consider very carefully how you can really become intimate again while you hide yourself.

Whatever your future- you have royally messed up. So, for what it’s worth, I’d guess that your desire to be intimate again would come flooding back if your DH actually found out the truth and rejected you. Your veil of secrecy is what will still come between you. The truth becomes part of our past - a lie becomes part of our future, because it has to be retold over and over. It makes an adversary of all those we would deceive. I’d suggest telling the truth - and if he finds he can’t forgive you then by Christmas you’ll be no worse off.

Are you going to tell your husband you've cheated on him?

Leave you DH , he can definitely do better!