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Original poster

Can we come back from him sleeping with XW or is this beyond repair

182 replies

AsYouAre · 28/07/2018 01:00

Engaged 3 years together 5, one child 2 years old

Fiancé has children with XW so for obvious reasons has had to keep in contact however she has wanted him back since it became clear he and I were serious.

In the past i've seen conversations on his phone and yes I snooped because I sensed something was off about the amount she was texting.

I raised it with him and he admitted she was finding any old reason to be in contact and said she was being a pest but wouldn't elaborate.

When I checked his phone without him knowing it was clear she was giving him the come on by saying things like "its so lonely in this big old bed" among other things such as asking whether he's sure he wants to marry me. He did reject her advances and made it clear he was happy and no longer interested in her in that way and I trusted that to be true so decided not to say anything. It was a mutual split and she had no interest in him until I came onto the scene but i trusted his actions and had faith he respected me. They had long been divorced before we met so no unresolved feelings as far as I knew

Fast forward to now I've found out they have slept together last year after the time I checked his phone.

They swear it was just the once but I can't get past it despite my best efforts to make things work.

We separated then got back together as I felt we may be able to move past it as he regrets it deeply and has gone above and beyond to try and fix things. We have worked on communication and being more open with each other but I find myself throwing it in his face and struggling to trust him around women full stop.

It makes no difference at that she initiated things and did all the chasing, she invited him over under false pretence and then made it clear what she wanted. He is a weak idiot who decided not to say no when she threw herself at him so despite that I don't think I can ever trust him again

He knows he is to blame for cheating and he owns that but admittedly I'm very bitter towards her as I'm not emotionally invested in her as I am him

there's no coming back from this is there? If she was a stranger it wouldn't be as bad, I could eventually move past that.. But she will always be in his life.

I need to hear from others before I throw the towel in and break up my family. I do still love him

OP posts:
ClandestineAdulation · 28/07/2018 01:12

I’m sorry OP Flowers

For context, how did you find out? Has the contact between them stopped, or is it at least limited to discussing their DCs only?

MistressDeeCee · 28/07/2018 01:15

It's his ex-wife, the mother of his children. He's slept with her whilst with you, once as far as you know, but are you sure it wasn't more than once? Whatever the case - he will do it again.

You've seen her messages to him - but likely not his conversations and messages with her.

If he didn't want to sleep with her, no approach from her would have worked. At all.

Original poster
AsYouAre · 28/07/2018 01:17

She told me herself because she thought I should know, so she says. I have no doubt she knew exactly what she was doing and planned it meticulously but that doesn't take away from the fact it is him who has cheated.

Their contact now is strictly about the children and she is blocked from his mobile at my request so she can only call our landline

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 28/07/2018 01:17

Nope I couldn’t. She’ll always be in your life, you’ll have to see her at family events and she sounds like the type to smirk about what they’ve done.

Smellbellina · 28/07/2018 01:20

Personally I don’t think I could get over it, but as you say, you still love him. Really you have 3 options;

  1. Get over it (with or without him)
  2. Try to get over it because you love him, find out you can’t, and have a long drawn out painful split
  3. Try to get over it because you love him and have it hanging over you for the rest of your life
Original poster
AsYouAre · 28/07/2018 01:21

I blame him one hundred percent for what he did, but the blind hope in me wants to believe it would never have happened if she hadn't come on to him.

I sound ridiculous don't I? I know I do. I know he's a bastard for doing it, I'm just so conflicted because I'm still very much in love

OP posts:
GodsGodsGods · 28/07/2018 01:22

Can I ask why do you want to?

Original poster
AsYouAre · 28/07/2018 01:24

I shouldn't want to and I'm not even sure I fully do, I just have this ache where I still want us to be a family. I thought we were happy I'm just so blind sided by it all and not thinking too clearly

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/07/2018 01:27

Their contact now is strictly about the children and she is blocked from his mobile at my request so she can only call our landline

It's like policing him, but I understand why you need to do it..the lack of trust he's created.

Perhaps she thought you'd break up and she and he could reconcile.

Give it a few more months and see if you feel differently.

I'd be expected brilliant treatment from him and total remorse.... but it would make me concerned that she'll always be in his life and it could happen again. He can't go NC with her.

chillpizza · 28/07/2018 01:28

I think it’s going to be the elephant in the room forever. Your always going to wonder if he will go back again as his done it once. It’s not like it’s a random women he can completely cut off they have children together so will still talk and see each other.

RabbitsAreTasty · 28/07/2018 01:30

You've gone to an awful lot of trouble to explain how she forced him to put his erect penis into her.

Oooh she's such the manipulative femme fatale.

And him the poor weak diddums manipulated by her awesome scheming.

Catch yourself on woman.

SandyY2K · 28/07/2018 01:30

she is blocked from his mobile at my request

You know they could get round this in other ways though right?
Having said that...I.don't think she wants to be an OW. She wants more than that.

Original poster
AsYouAre · 28/07/2018 01:31

I absolutely have been policing him and its not healthy at all, I can't live that way long-term and have been wishing endlessly that I'll be able to trust him again

I've never been that person to say who he can and cannot talk to

He is doing all he can to ease me through the motions and being patient when I throw it in his face time and time again, despite taking him back I haven't given him an easy time of it by anybody's standards.

He's definitely trying but I feel it may not be good enough and despite loving him completely the damage is too great

OP posts:
Original poster
AsYouAre · 28/07/2018 01:34

I know I project a lot of the blame onto her that's because I'm very bitter, I know in reality its him I need to stay mad at but I can't help having resentment towards her.

I have an emotional investment in him and feelings, I feel nothing for her but resentment

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 28/07/2018 01:38

This isn't about her, this is about him. Cut through all the noise and what it boils down to is that if a woman offers it to him on a plate he'll go for it. Is that who you want to spend the rest of your life with? Sod the "He's just a weak idiot" bollox. You make him sound like a naughty schoolboy stealing sweets rather than a grown man who chose to fuck another woman.

LizzieSiddal · 28/07/2018 01:40

Have you had any counselling?
It might do you good to talk through everything with someone else.

LizzieSiddal · 28/07/2018 01:44

I agree with TooTrue.

I know of women who have blatantly set out to “get” married men. Some married men oblige, many do not.

Original poster
AsYouAre · 28/07/2018 01:45

Yep I sound like a mug in the first degree, I think projecting a lot of my feelings onto her is a form of self preservation. Its easy for me to demonize her while a part of me wants to stay with him. I'm going through the motions at the moment but am well aware who I have to hold accountable, its just hard admitting to myself that he has so little respect for our family unit and future that he would cheat so easily just because the opportunity arose. Its easier to hate her than it is to hate him.

If I could flick a switch and stop caring about him I'd do it in a heartbeat

OP posts:
Original poster
AsYouAre · 28/07/2018 01:46

I haven't had counselling but agree its something I could benefit from

OP posts:
MaryandMichael · 28/07/2018 01:49

Have counselling if you like.
But ditch him.
He's not nice. He didn't shag his ex by mistake. He knew perfectly well what he was doing. And now he's blagging you to accept it.

SandyY2K · 28/07/2018 01:52

Sometimes in spite of how much you love someone, you just can get past the betrayal.

That's when love just isn't enough.

RabbitsAreTasty · 28/07/2018 01:57

If you were to assume she were a normal woman not a witch then how might it all stack up?

Could it be that they break up, still have feelings, keep the flame alive secretly, even having an affair when he has a new partner and child, eventually she decides he's spinning her a line, he's not planning to leave the new woman, he hasn't even told her he's definitely one day a non-specific day leaving new woman for first love, so she decides to take matters into her own hands and tells new woman of the situation expecting him to run into her arms. It seems a lot more plausible to me.

Why did they break up originally?

1forAll74 · 28/07/2018 02:04

I always will advocate,that it is possible to get back into a marriage,or partnership,after something like this has happened. Its devastating yes, but not any reason to just throw away what might be a good relationship.
I am always in the minority here,as being an oldie, I don't go along with the view, that if a person has cheated, that they are bound to do it again. you just don't throw away people that you love without trying to work things out..

SandyY2K · 28/07/2018 02:09

Engaged for 3 years? Is he stalling? Just won dering as his EX asked if he's sure he wants to marry you.

There must have been a reason she asked this?

Something he said or did made her question him.

thebewilderness · 28/07/2018 02:11

Once your trust has been violated in such an extreme way I do not think you can ever get it back.
Spending years with a man trying to learn to trust them again instead of having your best life being happy with someone you can trust?
Being alone with the peace of not having to worry constantly about a partner who has proven untrustworthy would be better?