Can we come back from him sleeping with XW or is this beyond repair

[AsYouAre]

Engaged 3 years together 5, one child 2 years old

Fiancé has children with XW so for obvious reasons has had to keep in contact however she has wanted him back since it became clear he and I were serious.

In the past i've seen conversations on his phone and yes I snooped because I sensed something was off about the amount she was texting.

I raised it with him and he admitted she was finding any old reason to be in contact and said she was being a pest but wouldn't elaborate.

When I checked his phone without him knowing it was clear she was giving him the come on by saying things like "its so lonely in this big old bed" among other things such as asking whether he's sure he wants to marry me. He did reject her advances and made it clear he was happy and no longer interested in her in that way and I trusted that to be true so decided not to say anything. It was a mutual split and she had no interest in him until I came onto the scene but i trusted his actions and had faith he respected me. They had long been divorced before we met so no unresolved feelings as far as I knew

Fast forward to now I've found out they have slept together last year after the time I checked his phone.

They swear it was just the once but I can't get past it despite my best efforts to make things work.

We separated then got back together as I felt we may be able to move past it as he regrets it deeply and has gone above and beyond to try and fix things. We have worked on communication and being more open with each other but I find myself throwing it in his face and struggling to trust him around women full stop.

It makes no difference at that she initiated things and did all the chasing, she invited him over under false pretence and then made it clear what she wanted. He is a weak idiot who decided not to say no when she threw herself at him so despite that I don't think I can ever trust him again

He knows he is to blame for cheating and he owns that but admittedly I'm very bitter towards her as I'm not emotionally invested in her as I am him

there's no coming back from this is there? If she was a stranger it wouldn't be as bad, I could eventually move past that.. But she will always be in his life.

I need to hear from others before I throw the towel in and break up my family. I do still love him

I think you could move past it but I think that would probably take years to be fully comfortable again. Just take your time, try and have lots of time to yourself so you can fully think this through without the distraction of him. A lot more complicated when she'll always be in your lives

I know somebody that this happened to and with intensive relationship counselling (over a years worth) they did move past it and are still together. However it has broken her and she’s not the same woman. Bitter and her sense of humour has totally gone. It’s a shame to live like that. There are a few things that stand out to me. She told you, not him. So for a period of time he was lying to you every single day. If he’d done it and then immediately come clean, that at least would show some strength of character. Remorse. He must have known she’d tell you at some point and he still wasn’t brave enough or care enough about you to tell you first. Why have you been engaged for 3 years? It shows lack of commitment from him. It also makes me wonder if he really ever intended to get married to you or has he actually just been using you to get back at her in some way. If it was me, I’d walk away and build up my life without him because he’s shown real character flaws that could mean he will do it again if he’s pursued in the future. He’s not strong enough to say no.

Not sure if I missed it, but when did you find out?
You don't have to do anything or make a decision right now. It might be with time that you are able to forgive and move on, or it may be with time that the negative feelings strongly outweigh the love for him and you realise you need to move on.
Be kind to yourself, give it time and don't feel you have to rush to make a decision

I would have packed his stuff and had them taken to her address and finished it.
If they have unfinished business I wouldn't be part of it. End of

I've found out they have slept together last year

She told me herself

It’s these two points that you should think about... your DP never told you and never intended to?

If it had happened just now and he was the one that came to you, told you the truth and hoped for your forgiveness I would feel that it was something you might move forward from. I would trust more that it was a mistake he made which he regrets.

But the fact that for a year he has lied to you and you ended up finding out from her - that is a huge betrayal in itself. On top of the initial betrayal of the cheating with her.

If you were a dear friend of mine I would offer as much support as possible so you may move on from this relationship. I honestly think you deserve better and it will be near impossible for him to ever prove himself trustworthy again....

I understand why you're trying to make out the ex wife is at fault and your dh is just this foolish man who can't help himself
You want to save your relationship

If my partner had his cock inside someone else sorry that would be game over
He wasn't an idiot, he's an adult and knew exactly what he was doing

Hate this crap attitude "poor men can't help themselves"
Ever heard the old saying "there would be no loose men without loose women"

I identify very closely with your situation OP, although it wasn't an exW in my case, but a friend he did (I'm pretty sure) cut contact with.
Have you found the Surviving Infidelity website? I have found it invaluable in trying to process my feelings about finding out, and thoughts on how/whether to move forward or not. I'm still undecided and somewhat in limbo, can't go to marriage counseling atm as he is working away pretty constantly.
As someone said, I'm not sure youll ever get over it, you'll just learn to live with it. Staying together if other things are OK depends on if you think he'd do it again, or if he feels sufficiently guilty and disgusted with himself not to. It's not easy to leave in some circumstances. Be kind to yourself and make sure he's aware of the pain he's caused while you work on processing it. Don't hide that, he deserves to own it.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

But why live with infidelity on any level?
Each to their own I guess but it's a deal breaker for me

I agree with @Mytwistedimagination give yourself time and make sure he's aware of just how horrid this is for you. Seek out some counselling for yourself and take one step at a time. What he's done isn't by any means great but I can't help thinking this woman has been forcing the issue somewhat. Nothing to say in 6 months if you still feel the same he can do one.. totally your choice and make sure he knows that!

So you guys were " on a break" when he slept with her?
I'm guessing that's why he didn't tell you as he felt it was outside of your relationship.
Why did their relationship break down?

I would be more concerned about the 3 year engagement. Have you set a date for the wedding? I understand he may be unwilling To go there a second time but an egagement means nothing ( as shown by you splitting temporarily) in reality.

"Forcing the issue somewhat"
This man is an adult! I imagine he knows right from wrong
If he didn't want to have sex with his ex wife then all he had to do was not have sex with his ex wife
It shouldn't matter if she paraded around naked in front of him
He had the choice
Why do women make excuses for men like this?!

Op said they separated after he slept with ex wife

Send this arsehole packing OP.

Oh yeah, just read the Op properly.

Mmm.If this is how he behaves with no obvious problems in your relationship, I'd be worried myself.
Mostly the fact that he was able to lie about it.

If you were to stay with him, then when she wanted to do this again , she could as he’s weak (in your own words) and you know that. I don’t see how you can build a trusting relationship on a weak infrastructure

How could you trust him again? End it op, you deserve better than this

I’m sorry you’re going through through this, it’s awful 💐. Other than your 2yo, I could have written your post.

I tried SO, SO hard to get past it, but it was impossible. Trying to get past it destroyed me far more than him fucking his ex, I think because I put myself through that. I loved him so much, I wanted to make it work, but eventually I couldn’t put myself through it anymore and we split up.

I honestly think the sooner you end it, the better off you will be. Don’t waste the next few years trying to make it work OR wishing it had been different. I wasted too much time doing both and it changed the course of my life, don’t do the same.

Take care of yourself 🌷

Reread your own OP you're painting him as a saint her as a whore, as a previous poster said catch on to yourself woman.
It sounds like they've never really broken up properly and she views you as a temporary blip in their relationship. And a three year engagement doesn't bode well for how he views you.

Were you part of their breakup? How long were you together before you got pregnant? Honestly you deserve better, cut him lose and if he really loves you he'll fight tooth and nail to get you back but he and you sound like you need space your relationship is toxic.

Sorry just seen the together 5 that's a long time to waste ditch him and move on

i havent read all the answers but just wanted to say this.
my immediate reaction was that i would never get past this. but also she is some crazy bitch desperate to wreck yours and his life. why? did he cheat on her? She on him?
Either way i think it would be worth trying counselling for both of you. that way you will truly know you have tried everything to stay together and that will help long term with the family if you do split

1forall74 - you just don't throw away people that you love without trying to work things out. You may be an 'oldie' but how about you think about how the PARTNER broke this? OP didn't break this, and she's not 'throwing' anything away - he did. How about 'you don't screw another person if you love your partner'?

OP - you are not breaking up your family. He did that. Don't let anyone tell you that YOU will be the 'breaker' of your family.

That is so crap OP. I'm sure you want to kill him for ruining everything.

When I met my partner he had recently come out of a long term relationship and I thought he would go back to her. On the first anniversary of their split she texted him and wanted him back. He made it very clear that he was with me but to be honest I felt threatened by her for a long time.

if I was in a relationship and my partner had a one night stand with someone he didnt know I think I could forgive him if he was really sorry and devastated but I wouldn't forgive easily and maybe never. Once years ago I was unfaithful and my partner forgave me. I was really young and wanted out of the relationship. I'm not proud of it.

If my partner ever slept with his ex I would not be able to forgive him. I would want to so that I could have my future plans back but I know I couldn't forgive and forget.

You might be able to stay together if he comes clean about everything. It just seems like he fell at the first hurdle. I would always wonder if it was the first and only time.

If I was at family get togethers and she was there I would feel sick to the pit of my stomach.

People do forgive being unfaithful. Maybe you guys can get over it.

So many people here with if, if , if, if .....in reality there are so many people who live with partners who have cheated on them . It happens all the time and I'm not saying it is right or easy ! However we all know how easy it is to fall into that trap - that trap where there was once emotion and a relationship and you go for that "one for the road ". The reality is that it is just not the same . It is over and dead and should have been left in the past . It may even make you realise that you have moved on . There is NO WAY I am defending this man, let me make this clear - I'm just looking at a possible scenario .

However I am interested in the "THEY swear it was just the once " why is she even involved in this discussion ? Surely this is between you and him ? It doesn't seem straightforward however and you do seem to have a history of suspicion of him - this has not come out of the blue for you . As for other men out there , what makes anyone think they are any better ? Everyone has the potential to cheat . Sorry but it is a mess. perhaps some couples counselling needed to really air your thoughts.

He will do it again. Every time your relationship hits a bump. Whether or not you can live with this is up to you but be aware that that is your future if you choose to forgive and forget this time.

Oh op what a horrible situation

But I'm afraid he's just as bad as her, if not worse. He broke up your family not her, she is bitter and would do anything to get to u (so it seems) and he let her, and not only that he allowed her to tell you, almost rubbing it in your face, if he had came and told you straight after he'd seen like a bigger person but no, a year and a half later she tells you.

For me I couldn't forgive. Just now it may be sad, but years down the line you'll be so glad you gave up and realised your worth, rather being a drained woman in years to come.

I also don't think the 3 years engagement is a big deal, loads of people get engaged and don't plan to get married right away.