Can we come back from him sleeping with XW or is this beyond repair

[AsYouAre]

Engaged 3 years together 5, one child 2 years old

Fiancé has children with XW so for obvious reasons has had to keep in contact however she has wanted him back since it became clear he and I were serious.

In the past i've seen conversations on his phone and yes I snooped because I sensed something was off about the amount she was texting.

I raised it with him and he admitted she was finding any old reason to be in contact and said she was being a pest but wouldn't elaborate.

When I checked his phone without him knowing it was clear she was giving him the come on by saying things like "its so lonely in this big old bed" among other things such as asking whether he's sure he wants to marry me. He did reject her advances and made it clear he was happy and no longer interested in her in that way and I trusted that to be true so decided not to say anything. It was a mutual split and she had no interest in him until I came onto the scene but i trusted his actions and had faith he respected me. They had long been divorced before we met so no unresolved feelings as far as I knew

Fast forward to now I've found out they have slept together last year after the time I checked his phone.

They swear it was just the once but I can't get past it despite my best efforts to make things work.

We separated then got back together as I felt we may be able to move past it as he regrets it deeply and has gone above and beyond to try and fix things. We have worked on communication and being more open with each other but I find myself throwing it in his face and struggling to trust him around women full stop.

It makes no difference at that she initiated things and did all the chasing, she invited him over under false pretence and then made it clear what she wanted. He is a weak idiot who decided not to say no when she threw herself at him so despite that I don't think I can ever trust him again

He knows he is to blame for cheating and he owns that but admittedly I'm very bitter towards her as I'm not emotionally invested in her as I am him

there's no coming back from this is there? If she was a stranger it wouldn't be as bad, I could eventually move past that.. But she will always be in his life.

I need to hear from others before I throw the towel in and break up my family. I do still love him

I am sorry OP. What a fucking dick.

anyfucker don't be silly. It's just this particular woman that I don't have any respect for. Obviously he's just as much at fault, but it goes against the grain to let her win. It's just a game to her.

It makes no logical sense that him being in constant communication with her would stop her telling me, but he explained it away as: he thought if he give her the cold shoulder after then she would drop him in it and tell me, so he wanted to keep her sweet.

I know. I know

I don't think he's still in love with her romantically. I accept he will always have love for her as his childrens mother but I don't think he would want to be with her again. I believe he thought with his penis with no regard for us and took advantage of the fact it was handed to him on a plate

I'm fairly confidant he doesn't want her back, they had long moved on before this happened including her having relationships and he had one before me

It's just this particular woman that I don't have any respect for. Obviously he's just as much at fault, but it goes against the grain to let her win. It's just a game to her.

And you want to encourage the OP to play that game instead of focusing on her actual relationship and whether she should forgive him or not. Good for you! Let's all play the pick me game, that always ends well.

Bottom line is - he fucked another woman while he was with you and new DC. Because you were temporarily not as sexually active because of health issues. A woman he has to communicate with, and who will always be in his life.

You will be forever waiting for the next 'trigger' for him to get his dick wet elsewhere.

single do you believe this guy is a prize worth winning ? Personally, I think he is trash and would consider him no better than the diseased goldfish you "win" at the funfair

You have told op it is ok to pit herself against OW in competition for the dubious pleasure of "not letting her win"

Awful, awful advice

So he cheated when you most needed support and then had the audacity to try to convince you it was your fault for not giving him enough attention. He definitely is a cunt. A very selfish one at that. I'm not sure I could forgive and forget, particularly with his history. I'd always be checking / worrying which is not something I've ever done.

It hasn't been that long since you found out so keep in mind he is probably on his "best behaviour" right now.

Did his ex start her back stabbing once you got pregnant, by any chance? Do you know if they were sleeping together after you broke up, but before you met? If you asked him, would you trust his answer?

Single do you hate women as much as your post implies ?
Bit harsh anyfucker

*after they (sorry)

Oh dear Robin. I feel bad for you thst you have picked a man of such poor character. It seems you have to control his behaviour by limiting his interactions with women.

Wouldn't you prefer a grown up type of man that was perfectly capable of doing that for himself ?

And they say feminists hate men...sheesh.

Once again anyfucker bit harsh

She wasn't happy about our baby because of the affect she said it would have on her DC. It will upset them she said.

It didn't.

It was when we announced the engagement that she started sticking the knife in but for all I know she could have been saying more behind my back that I didn't know about

I don't know if they were sleeping together after they divorced and before we met and tbh I wouldn't trust his answer if I were to ask him now.

She was in a relationship until a few months before she slept with my (not so D)F

And I have a grown up man thank you very much.
One that wouldn't be on the open market for long should he become single.
I know what some women are like.
Only a few years back 2 of his x's from way back made a play for him.
They didn't care he was married 20 plus years.
Don't judge what you cannot possibly understand as by your comments.

That's right Robin. You have such an Adonis there that women could not help dropping their keks for him and he could not be held responsible for shagging them.

I can't speak for anybody else but mine is no Adonis lol

Ha ha Any fucker.
Maybe he is - you don't know him.
However he's not 'shagged' anyone since we've been together. And wouldn't.
Just saying some women who I thought were ok were infact, quite deviously trying to get back with him.
Not very nice.

Another "oldie" here and one thing I've learnt in all these years is that life is too short for his kind of shit.

Why do you want to spend your one, precious, life struggling and agonising over whether your partner is being faithful, is he really where he says he is, what does he feel for you, for her? The questions and anxieties go on and on.
He's got a track record for cheating, he let you down at your most vulnerable when he could have supported you. Then he's blamed you and shared intimate details about your life together with his ex.

Fuck all that. Walk away from this horrible situation and enjoy a life of less worry with your child. Ignore the man apologists on this thread who think a woman should put up with and forgive a serial cheat.

AF isn't harsh at all, far from it. I guess some truths are hard to hear.

I do agree

Life is too short, if I could flick a switch and stop loving him I'd do it in a heartbeat for the sake of an easy stress free existence

Its shit because I'm going to hurt no matter what I do. If I leave I've then got to grieve the loss of a relationship and face being a single parent but if I stay I'm in for nothing but anxiety

I'm so angry that people can cause so much distress in another persons life just for the sake of sex

Its pathetic

Robin, I'm a little unsure of your motives here.

Is it to brag that your man is desired by all women but would never cheat on you? I don't see how that's helping the OP at all.

I also would never say never, if you read any threads here, most of the women whose partners cheat never would've thought it of them and are usually blindsided by it.

The anxiety is hell, it will take a serious toll on your mental and physical health. I expect it already has had some affect. It infiltrates and ruins everything.

You spoke of co-dependency issues, this would be a good thing to address with your therapist. Not your partner's issues but why you are considering putting up with his behaviour. That's the only thing you can really change.

I used to long to be able to flick that switch, but instead I acted to protect myself from more of his bad treatment of me. I don't love him now. I have no respect for him and deeply regret taking so long to leave.

Make the most of the time he is away to clear your mind.

I wouldn't sleep with my ex H ever again (even to get back at OW) and I am not saying you are the OW. Just why would you? If he has done this OP it would be the end for me. I am sorry he has done this to you OP.

honestly OP, this sort of dick is ten a penny. Its crushingly low value. So many guys out there, theres no point in staying with one thats cheated and fucked you over.
I wouldnt give a shit if she "won" If she thinks hes a prize, good luck to the both of them.

I’ve sort of been where you are and what you will have to end up doing is the emotional and practical version of taking a running jump off the top diving board at the swimming baths.

Some times are more “right” to do these things than others, but one day you’ll know. You really will. The light will go on and you’ll just be like “right, you’ve used me up enough, no more ta” and when that moment comes you’ll feel so so free, free of that stupid twat and his stupid twat ex.

1000 of us could say “you deserve better than this” but I know you know, it’s evident. You’re just trying to emotionally manage the end of the relationship before you can even start to contemplate the practicals.

I’m sorry this has happened to you

I agree with Rabbitsaretasty's post at 01.30.
She told you ? Not him?
Why not him?
Had she given him an ultimatum?
I couldn't bear infidelity so I'd be gone.

Why would you want to work past this?

Years ahead of not trusting him, knowing they have to be in contact, checking his phone and wondering where he is. I couldn’t live like that, could you?