Can we come back from him sleeping with XW or is this beyond repair

[AsYouAre]

Engaged 3 years together 5, one child 2 years old

Fiancé has children with XW so for obvious reasons has had to keep in contact however she has wanted him back since it became clear he and I were serious.

In the past i've seen conversations on his phone and yes I snooped because I sensed something was off about the amount she was texting.

I raised it with him and he admitted she was finding any old reason to be in contact and said she was being a pest but wouldn't elaborate.

When I checked his phone without him knowing it was clear she was giving him the come on by saying things like "its so lonely in this big old bed" among other things such as asking whether he's sure he wants to marry me. He did reject her advances and made it clear he was happy and no longer interested in her in that way and I trusted that to be true so decided not to say anything. It was a mutual split and she had no interest in him until I came onto the scene but i trusted his actions and had faith he respected me. They had long been divorced before we met so no unresolved feelings as far as I knew

Fast forward to now I've found out they have slept together last year after the time I checked his phone.

They swear it was just the once but I can't get past it despite my best efforts to make things work.

We separated then got back together as I felt we may be able to move past it as he regrets it deeply and has gone above and beyond to try and fix things. We have worked on communication and being more open with each other but I find myself throwing it in his face and struggling to trust him around women full stop.

It makes no difference at that she initiated things and did all the chasing, she invited him over under false pretence and then made it clear what she wanted. He is a weak idiot who decided not to say no when she threw herself at him so despite that I don't think I can ever trust him again

He knows he is to blame for cheating and he owns that but admittedly I'm very bitter towards her as I'm not emotionally invested in her as I am him

there's no coming back from this is there? If she was a stranger it wouldn't be as bad, I could eventually move past that.. But she will always be in his life.

I need to hear from others before I throw the towel in and break up my family. I do still love him

I don't think I can no

He has given me such anxiety

If he goes out to practice his hobby I think he's sneaking phone calls to her. When he's at work I'm paranoid he may be forming inappropriate relationships with colleagues. If he's late home I assume he's gone to her house and so on. Its a living hell and I have never in my life been this way before

I like the comparison a PP made about it being like taking a huge leap off a diving board, that's what it'll feel like for me leaving

Its scary but deep inside I think I already know its the only way I'm ever going to find peace.. Its just making that jump

I'm just dreading the other worries I'll get when I leave, I know I'll panic initially thinking what if he goes back to her and the children. Me and poor DC will be left with nothing

I shouldn't care but at this point the prospect of that still makes me feel sick

I'm going to raise my codependency issues with the therapist as I know I need to work on that regardless

The only positive here is that it happened just the once. I know once is enough ... but he may have genuinely realised he did wrong and totally regretted it. It happened 18 months ago and never since then.

The only reason he wouldn't have continued with sleeping with her...is because he didnt want to...she was clearly up for it.

Regarding him cheating on her...I can understand how he cheated after she did assuming that's true.

Him talking about your sex life with her was bad. Perhaps he was trying to explain (to her) why he caved. No excuse for it though.

He has at least felt the reality of losing you following the seperation. How much begging did he do to win you back?

I would add that it's early days to forgive. Healing with a remorseful spouse can take 2 to 5 years. It never fully leaves your mind...because the trust you once had is gone.

People can build up the trust...but because he has to have contact with her...It makes it much harder for you.

The 2.5 years is interesting. I stupidly thought I'd be able to make ample progress within a few months but after the hysterical bonding phase it hit me like a ton of bricks

He did a lot of pleading, I didn't make it easy for him by no means but now I feel like he's sort of got away with it as despite leaving him I did take him back

He said he knows I won't forgive him straight away but I think he felt I'd be closer to that now than I am

Its been difficult because intimacy actually has become unenjoyable for me, not because of my health but because of what he's done. It plays on my mind

I don't think he quite understands how badly it has affected me, I find myself wondering whether he's comparing me to her, whether she satisfied him more and those thoughts do eat away at my self esteem

Its a toxic way to think but I can't help it. I was supposed to be the only one who lays down with him in that way

He could do with a better understanding of how you feel as a betrayed partner. I don't think he gets it fully.

I just sent you a PM..with some info. Your OH can look on their too, to learn more about the impact of cheating on the Betrayed.

He can join up and get advice from others who have cheated and have learned or are currently learning.

Counselling will help you...but a counsellor will support you in what you want as an outcome. If you want your relationship....the counsellor will try and guide you with that.

My ex and I did lots of work on various issues after he cheated. Worked on trust, why he did it, communication.

It was agony though, because the trust, quite rightly, had gone.

But I worked at it, re-building my trust, fighting my insecurities, determined not to check his phone, all those things.

It took years (SandyY2K said 2-5 years, not 2.5, btw).

Then he did it again. Because he is a cheat, for whatever reason. He tried cheating on the new woman, with me, after we split. That didn't happen.

I made a mistake. I trusted an untrustworthy man. One who had shown me who he was.

Someone said to me, afterwards, "Ever seen a stripy leopard?".

I wonder if you ex had being able to tempt you to sleep with him again?
They have unfinished business. Too much history I guess.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply

I really needed to get this off my chest and it helps to vent

I've spent some time reading the forums of the website you sent me Sandy, I've found it very helpful

There's nothing my exes could do to tempt me into sleeping with them again but I guess that shows my priorities and morals are very different to my DF's

I'd rather jump up and down on a plug than rake over old relationships and complicate my life unnecessarily but that's just me

Just realised the irony of my last comment about not wanting to rake over old relationships

That's exactly what I've done by taking him back isn't it?

I never moved on during the separation period of a few months it was all very raw, whereas I highly doubt if we'd reached the point of being divorced for many years I would go back there

Just why? After all that time

They weren't happy together so they divorced. Is a quick bunk up really worth all the heartache caused? The mind boggles

Divorce is a long process and they had many opportunities to change their minds instead they parted amicably and went on to form new relationships, in his case another family

I can't get my head around the fact there may be unfinished business

What do you mean "you can't help wondering" if he compares you to her ?

You have seen messages where he has done exactly thsat and made it clear to her that you were the one found wanting

I have no wish to rub salt in the wound but you are minimising massively to the point of actual denial

What on earth are you doing to yourself ?

I haven’t RTFT but OP, you deserve better than this.

You can make a fresh start with your child, and maybe one day you will meet a man who doesn’t destroy your trust.

Driving myself round the bend no doubt

Why did they divorce?

Relationship broke down gradually, then she cheated and he did the same afterwards. They divorce was mutually agreed, both admitted it wasn't working and wasn't right to stay together for the children

If there was unresolved feelings they've done bloody well to keep them hidden all of these years after they've both moved on

Is her story the same as his?

Even if it is, she cheated, he stayed. He cheated, she ended it. They are a pair of cheaters.

I wonder if he wanted to point score. He gets into her pants thus proving to himself that he is forgiven, he is god's gift and she has seen the error of her ways. Actually going back to her properly is not needed. He's got what he wanted.

Yep both story from both of them

She and I were perfectly civil to begin with, chatty even. I never got any bad vibes until we got pregnant with DC, then she went a bit standoffish and was worried it would upset his older children so I thought OK she's just being a protective mum I can understand that then when we got engaged that's when she decided she fancied him again and started with the texts

Same story*

OP, by writing all of this, you've worked out what you need to do. Get back in control and love yourself and little one.. Have a future to look forward to. The journey won't be easy, but you'll find your strength and self worth on the way. God Bless.

Thank you x

If a dear friend or a sibling were in your position - what would you advise them?

It can be hard to think clearly as you’re in the thick of it. But from the outside it seems that your relationship - the one you thought you had - is already gone. It will never be the same again.

The question is - do you want to be in this new relationship with him. The one where you yourself are becoming a person you no longer recognize? One that will forever be intertwined with seeds of doubt and paranoia?

I feel you will either end it now and work on picking yourself you and moving forward now... or you will put in months/years more of all that you are currently going through to end up at the same decision anyway...

Do you believe in your heart that he would never cheat again?

If the answer is no then why give your all to this man?

You can choose to forgive or you can choose not to. You top have a child with your DP so if you decide to split it will affect the child too. Trust and lack of it is crucial but ultimately it is tour choice. There is no right way which you 'have' to follow.

Its our child that makes it so much harder, DF is their favourite person in the world

He works a lot so I'd be worried about how little they'd see each other if I told him to leave

Are you saying you would block contact or restrict contact if he left?

How much one on one time does he do now with DS? Surely you'd want to equal that at least.

OP - it sounds a little like you and exw are fighting in the playground over a broken toy.

You've outgrown this toy now but you don't want to let it go because she might pick it up and have a play.

It's time for you to look forward now - there are so many other things in the world that are there for you - don't be left behind desperately trying to make something that ended the moment you found out and lost respect and trust for him. You are worth more than this.

There is always a little fear involved in moving on but only by going through this is where you grain strength. Do you want your DS to think its ok to live with someone you have no trust in or do you want to show him how to live with self respect?

What are you going to do, op ?

It sounds like the status quo is not working for you