Can we come back from him sleeping with XW or is this beyond repair

[AsYouAre]

Engaged 3 years together 5, one child 2 years old

Fiancé has children with XW so for obvious reasons has had to keep in contact however she has wanted him back since it became clear he and I were serious.

In the past i've seen conversations on his phone and yes I snooped because I sensed something was off about the amount she was texting.

I raised it with him and he admitted she was finding any old reason to be in contact and said she was being a pest but wouldn't elaborate.

When I checked his phone without him knowing it was clear she was giving him the come on by saying things like "its so lonely in this big old bed" among other things such as asking whether he's sure he wants to marry me. He did reject her advances and made it clear he was happy and no longer interested in her in that way and I trusted that to be true so decided not to say anything. It was a mutual split and she had no interest in him until I came onto the scene but i trusted his actions and had faith he respected me. They had long been divorced before we met so no unresolved feelings as far as I knew

Fast forward to now I've found out they have slept together last year after the time I checked his phone.

They swear it was just the once but I can't get past it despite my best efforts to make things work.

We separated then got back together as I felt we may be able to move past it as he regrets it deeply and has gone above and beyond to try and fix things. We have worked on communication and being more open with each other but I find myself throwing it in his face and struggling to trust him around women full stop.

It makes no difference at that she initiated things and did all the chasing, she invited him over under false pretence and then made it clear what she wanted. He is a weak idiot who decided not to say no when she threw herself at him so despite that I don't think I can ever trust him again

He knows he is to blame for cheating and he owns that but admittedly I'm very bitter towards her as I'm not emotionally invested in her as I am him

there's no coming back from this is there? If she was a stranger it wouldn't be as bad, I could eventually move past that.. But she will always be in his life.

I need to hear from others before I throw the towel in and break up my family. I do still love him

When we've discussed it he said he tried to keep her sweet afterwards so she didn't tell me, not by sleeping with her again but staying in touch and replying to all of her texts. Taking her calls. Being in constant contact under the guise of it being about the kids.

He had no intention of me ever finding out and thought if he stayed in her good books she wouldn't say anything and it would eventually be forgotten about. That's what he said.

I feel it has been an emotional affair regardless but he denies that and said he doesn't feel anything for her and for him it was just sex. He then felt trapped (apparently) that she had this hanging over him

He said he regretted it instantly was disgusted in himself but couldn't bring himself to telling me or letting me find out because he knew it would break my heart

When she told me about it the communication between them stopped. His explanation for this was that now it was out in the open he didn't need to pander to her out of fear she would drop him in it.

Overall he has been a coward

It wouldn't surprise me if he was stringing her along to keep his options open, of course he denies that

*but he denies that and said he doesn't feel anything for her and for him it was just sex. He then felt trapped (apparently) that she had this hanging over him

He said he regretted it instantly was disgusted in himself but couldn't bring himself to telling me or letting me find out because he knew it would break my heart*

The script - word for word - denial, victim, pleading etc.....

You don't have to understand him, listen to his excuses, know all the facts to "decide" to separate - you know enough in your gut.

He is not a coward - he is a serial cheater and has lied repeatedly to you. Do you know how his relationships before his the last marriage he cheated on ended?

What is your practical situation - what do you need to sort out to separate? Be good to write a list for an exit plan. Then take on one action a day - eg phone the bank, etc

We we're struggling with intimacy at the point they slept together, when I was pregnant with LO I had terrible SPD which didn't go away after the birth. I had to use crutches and for a long time (even now) I can find it uncomfortable although I didn't completely 'neglect him' he was moaning to her that we were hardly having sex, "not like her when they were married" apparently.

I don't think I could get past it, but I'm sure sometimes a relationship can glue itself back together after an infidelity. A one off, with lots of honesty and communication.

I don't see myself ever getting over something like you've described above. You'd just had a baby, his baby, and you was in so much pain you couldn't walk without crutches. You was in a vulnerable state, and instead of supporting you he went and slept with his ex (who he knew he could always get it with) and complained that due to your excessive pain, he wasn't getting laid enough! This is just horrible. Let alone the fact you said you were sometimes intimate, even though you were clearly in severe pain.
It just points to him being entirely selfish. Not caring about you, but only himself and what he can get out of anyone, including his ex.

That he's cheated before is also a sign that he may do it to you again. Especially in vulnerable times in your life.

No wonder you are struggling with being back together. Don't be hard on yourself, I'm sure anybody would struggle with this.

for him it was just sex.

Ah well, that makes it alright does it? Are you happy for him to shag other women in the future as long as it's "just sex"? Personally, I would find that excuse adding insult to injury if I was on the receiving end. He did something that he knew would break your heart if you ever found, he knew he was risking your relationship. I'd find it more understandable, though no more forgivable, if he claimed emotional confusion.

Oddly enough he did try and throw emotional confusion into his mix of pleading except not in the way I think you meant it, toogoodtobetrue.

He thought I was getting cold feet about him and wasn't sure I felt the same about him anymore. So he says. I wasn't getting cold feet at all. I was busy looking after a young child, dealing with a health condition and working.

Sure things weren't all fireworks but we were getting on and we were fine in my option. There was intimacy perhaps not as much as he'd have liked but he wasn't cast aside. We had date nights regularly. I don't tell him I love him every second of the day and follow him around with long gazes and sighs but he knew I loved him. I treat him well.

If his concerns were genuine he never bothered trying to speak to me about it so I saw that as just a cop out

The fact he said it was just sex does make it hurt more, because he risked our family life for something so pointless

To simplify that part of his excuse:

He wanted to feel wanted and felt as though he wasn't getting that from me (the fiancé who he felt didn't want him that much) so when he was shown that kind of attention elsewhere it felt good and he was so confused about the possibility I didn't want him any more he just did it even though he regretted it so much afterwards

Writing this down pisses me off because I can see that its so pathetic its laughable

See how he has made it all your fault because you were going off him and not giving him enough attention

You just had a child and were bloody unwell on top but it is all your fault because you didn't put his needs first.

Are you going to let her win? Obviously she wanted to split you up; she planned it and plotted it and dtd so that hopefully you'd find out (which was bound to happen, sooner or later). He may be weak (most men are when it comes to sex) but does that mean you have to sacrifice your whole family?

He's blaming you then ?

Everything you say about this guy makes him seem worse and worse

He does sound worse with every post from OP

Single do you hate women as much as your post implies ?

He doesn’t sound sorry - he just seems to be blaming you for everything. What a pig.

If writing everything helps you to see more clearly what a fuckwit he has been - keep going OP

@singlenotsingle HE is in control of where he puts his dick. HE is the one that sacrificed the family.

Are you going to let her win? Obviously she wanted to split you up; she planned it and plotted it and dtd so that hopefully you'd find out (which was bound to happen, sooner or later). He may be weak (most men are when it comes to sex) but does that mean you have to sacrifice your whole family?

If the OW had wanted to do it and split them up, why didn't she tell her right away?

Seems his been an ass to both women, led the ex wife along afterwards too, and all the while lied to the OP, who was already struggling with her own health and taking care of a newborn.

I told him he's deluded if he thinks I'm taking any responsibility for him cheating, communication is key and if he felt there was a problem he should have leant on me not his ex wife

I know for a fact she planned it, she said she was just feeling lonely and she was so very sorry but like I'd mentioned earlier on I found texts from them both in the past where she would be giving him the come on and he'd knocked her back. This was well before they slept together. As soon as it became clear he and I were serious she began playing games.

She admitted she didn't need any help with their Dds party when she asked him round. She's a natural woman who doesn't like wearing make up but on this occasion was dolled up to the nines wearing revealing clothes. She planned it. She banked on the fact he had form and it paid off.

That doesn't excuse him I know but she was definitely the instigator hence my bitterness toward her. She had no interest in him before we got engaged, she'd had other relationships since him

Part of me doesn't want to give her what she clearly wants but the toll its taking on me emotionally is huge

So bloody confused

It does help for me to get it all out so thank you for listening

I'd tell her she's welcome to him. Let's face it, he'll cheat on her as soon as he gets the chance.

Singlenotsingle the ex wife could plan and plot day & night if she so chose - if he didn't want to shag her then he wouldn't have.

It's a bit odd to think that men are generally so weak, any woman can fuck with them. Or even that any woman can fuck any man she wants to, as if he can't say no and is compelled to dtd on her say so. You surely must know life doesn't work like that.

As for 'are you going to let her won't - suppose OP doesn't really think he's a prize? Because he's not, is he? He's messed around yet is blaming OP. How do you 'win', anyway? By sitting tight playing the waiting game? Monitoring his every move? I can't see that this guarantees someone will be and behave exactly the way you want them to, leading to happy ever after.

Part of me doesn't want to give her what she clearly wants but the toll its taking on me emotionally is huge

Your health is far more important than whether or not the ex gets what she wants.

There are no winners here with your cheating OH as the prize.

He's away with work next week I'll use that time away from him to gather my thoughts

Also hoping some counselling will give me clarity

So tough on you OP. I can't say what you should do but I do think you should see a counsellor alone to work through all this properly. Do other people around you IRL know about all this?

Our families know and I've confided in my closest friends

His side don't want to get involved in the dispute understandably

My side think he's a cunt. Excuse my language

He is a cunt

"Ive always been confident but find my self looking for flaws and wondering whats so wrong with me"

There's nothing wrong with you op!

"It also makes me wonder if he really ever intended to get married to you or has he actually just been using you to get back at her in some way."

"It sounds like they've never really broken up properly and she views you as a temporary blip in their relationship."

^I hope this isn't the case, but it does sound like they've been playing games with each, and been using you and your child as pawns.

"you’ll have to see her at family events and she sounds like the type to smirk about what they’ve done."
^This too I don't think you can come back from this.

This guy sounds like he’s playing you. Why would him being in constant communication stop her from telling you? What does the communication really say?

Unfortunately there are so many opportunities these days to cheat and people are so clever that it’s hard to ever find out the truth. I’d be very careful, if he’s slept with her he may still love her and want to be with her.