Can we come back from him sleeping with XW or is this beyond repair

[AsYouAre]

Engaged 3 years together 5, one child 2 years old

Fiancé has children with XW so for obvious reasons has had to keep in contact however she has wanted him back since it became clear he and I were serious.

In the past i've seen conversations on his phone and yes I snooped because I sensed something was off about the amount she was texting.

I raised it with him and he admitted she was finding any old reason to be in contact and said she was being a pest but wouldn't elaborate.

When I checked his phone without him knowing it was clear she was giving him the come on by saying things like "its so lonely in this big old bed" among other things such as asking whether he's sure he wants to marry me. He did reject her advances and made it clear he was happy and no longer interested in her in that way and I trusted that to be true so decided not to say anything. It was a mutual split and she had no interest in him until I came onto the scene but i trusted his actions and had faith he respected me. They had long been divorced before we met so no unresolved feelings as far as I knew

Fast forward to now I've found out they have slept together last year after the time I checked his phone.

They swear it was just the once but I can't get past it despite my best efforts to make things work.

We separated then got back together as I felt we may be able to move past it as he regrets it deeply and has gone above and beyond to try and fix things. We have worked on communication and being more open with each other but I find myself throwing it in his face and struggling to trust him around women full stop.

It makes no difference at that she initiated things and did all the chasing, she invited him over under false pretence and then made it clear what she wanted. He is a weak idiot who decided not to say no when she threw herself at him so despite that I don't think I can ever trust him again

He knows he is to blame for cheating and he owns that but admittedly I'm very bitter towards her as I'm not emotionally invested in her as I am him

there's no coming back from this is there? If she was a stranger it wouldn't be as bad, I could eventually move past that.. But she will always be in his life.

I need to hear from others before I throw the towel in and break up my family. I do still love him

Did she tell him to tell you first before she did? Or did she just tell you without warning him?

I am always in the minority here,as being an oldie, I don't go along with the view, that if a person has cheated, that they are bound to do it again. you just don't throw away people that you love without trying to work things out

I'm an oldie too. My parents generation was probably the last one where divorce was seen as shameful and the social norm was to stay together for the sake of the children, no matter what. My parents had a wide social circle and through them I knew many women ( always women) who stuck with their husbands who either maintained long term mistresses or had multiple affairs. These poor women put on a brave face but they were obviously miserable. The saddest thing of all was that several of them stuck by their cheating cunt of a husband only for him to leave for a younger woman when they were well into middle-age, leaving the wife with next to nothing and little time to build and enjoy a new life. It's left me very firmly of the opinion that the only valid reason for staying in a relationship is because your partner completely deserves that. When it comes to fidelity, I'm a no second chances person and I expect my partner be likewise.

The thing is, your 'dp' knew full well that his ex was after him, but he still happily went to her house (What reason did she give for getting him there?)

Also, surely he didn't expect her to not.give him the come on when she had the opportunity? (if her text messages were anything to go by), besides, he could have quite easily turned around and walked out as soon as she made her intentions clear. Yet he didnt walk out, he had sex with her.
If someone loves you they don't have sex with other people. Not even once.

I wouldn't marry him. Take your time see how you feel and if you can forgive. This woman will be part of your lives for a long time. I,think,you deserve better.

Infidelity is one thing but infeidelity after they’ve been split up so long and with someone who is going to be in your life for ever.? What about children’s graduations, weddings etc? Are you not going to go, or let him go on his own?

My dh and ex had to rush off to see their son in an emergency last year, absolutely last minute and ended up sharing a hotel room. I had no issue with that....but I think you would, understandably.

Thanks for all the replies

I'll try and answer most of what I've been asked. The long engagement / no rush to get married is mainly my doing, I wanted everything to be perfect but neither of us were in any hurry to be honest. We finally planned to marry this year and then this came out so its off the menu. I'm not currently wearing my ring.

She told me not him. He pleaded with her not to say anything after it happened because I would "take our little one and leave" he told her. She stayed quiet for a while probably not wanting to cost him his child after buying into the fact I'm likely to "run off" with DC then decided she wanted to tell me. I'm not sure what prompted her to come clean but I don't think she was doing it out of any pity or sympathy to me or a guilt conscience.

We used to get along just fine and I liked the women at first but over time behind my back she would be sticking the knife in

We we're struggling with intimacy at the point they slept together, when I was pregnant with LO I had terrible SPD which didn't go away after the birth. I had to use crutches and for a long time (even now) I can find it uncomfortable although I didn't completely 'neglect him' he was moaning to her that we were hardly having sex, "not like her when they were married" apparently.

As I write it down it just sounds worse doesn't it? What a bastard

He said he would come to couples counselling and do whatever it takes to make things work I'm just so bitter. He can't even tell me about a female colleague at work without me thinking he's going to try and shag them. He's turned me into a paranoid wreck and something I've never been.

I hate him for what he's done, I love him but hate him in equal measure. I've always been confident but find my self looking for flaws and wondering whats so wrong with me

We had a row yesterday over something stupid, he was telling me about a female member of staff being upset and what he did to remedy the situation at work.

A totally innocent thing and I accused him of having ulterior motives.

It is overwhelming how suspicious I am of him after finding out what I have from XW

We are going on holiday next week and I'm not even looking forward to it

I found out in April, we separated then got back together at the start of July

The cheating itself happened around their DD's birthday in October last year. She asked him to come round to help arrange a party for DD then initiated things

He should have pushed her away but didn't. They both hid it from me until she decided to drop the bombshell in April out of nowhere

Well it's not surprising you're suspicious. He's made you like this. You'd be better off attending counselling on your own initially, so you can freely explore your thoughts and feelings about it all without feeling pressurised or tempted to bicker whilst he sits there likely saying all that he thinks you and counsellor want to hear.

It's your choice whether to stay or leave. But if staying, a life of suspicion and bitterness will kill your relationship and contentment. If you want to stay and forgive him you need to explore your feelings and actively work towards forgiveness. Anything else = years of misery. It's just no way to live your one life.

My dad cheated on my mum, and although she stayed she just couldn't forgive, she lost respect for him and they bickered to the point we hated going round there. When they visited me I'd have to earn them 'no bickering in my home' too. Although I understood why, I didn't want to hear it.

As soon as my little sis reached 18, my dad upped and left. Yeah, he's a bastard. But he's still a bastard who upped and left whilst my mum clearly thought they'd stay together and he would be there to bicker with ad infinitum.

My mum should've left. Not built her life around a cheat. However this is years ago now, mum is over it all and having quite a nice life. Wasn't worth wasting at least 20 of her 'good years' bickering tho.

I'm an "oldie" and I firmly believe no man is worth this shit

He betrayed you when you were at your lowest - on crutches after the birth of his child when you needed his love and care the most and he risked your love and new family unit for easy sex with his ex. Ultimately he only really cares about him self and his "needs" (wants). Do you really believe it was a one off? He must have loved his ex being jealous of your home, all the flirting and drama and tension whilst you were laid low.

I'm an oldie too - he's a bad egg.

1forall74 - you just don't throw away people that you love without trying to work things out. Y
THIS
We all make mistakes.
Is any one out there perfect ?
If the relationship is otherwise great and this is the only thing?
If you love him give yourself time it is still early days.
MN is always about LTB.
BUT I wouldn't let my husband spent 'any' time with his xw.
He used to hate her anyway which wasn't healthy.
But she would be the type to throw herself at him (or any other attractive man she found herself alone with. )
There is history. And I know most men wouldn't sleep with an ex but sticking them in a room together- that is dumb.
Good communication.
Good luck x

Sorry to hear this OP that must be very hard on the relationship. People do mistakes but in my experience if he’s slept with his ex perhaps he still loves her else if it were just an urge he could have gone to a stranger.

Experience tells me that if a guy is in contact with ex and sleeping with her he still wants to be with her. We could all be wrong though and he could be completely devoted to you after his mistake.

I do believe its a one off, I feel she would have said if it wasn't because she was hoping i would leave him

I want to be able to get past it but fear i will waste years in trying and never completely move past it

Even if he never went near her again I'd still be worrying about the same happening with somebody else because now I know it's in his nature

There isn't a time frame on rebuilding trust is there? It could take ages for me to trust him again and in the meantime I have to deal with him co parenting with the woman he cheated with

He cheated on ex wife too (years before we met. No OW situation with me) he was honest about it and I gave him the benefit of the doubt as he was so open

She also cheated on him

Cheating is rife. Why can't people just be happy with what they have

Oh dear Robin. I feel bad for you thst you have picked a man of such poor character. It seems you have to control his behaviour by limiting his interactions with women.

Wouldn't you prefer a grown up type of man that was perfectly capable of doing that for himself ?

And they say feminists hate men...sheesh.

He has form then, op ?

This is who he is. An inadequate person that prioritises his own needs at the expense of others. Accept it...or move on.

I know which one is best for you. Do you ?

It's not adding up for me.

Why did he betray you and furnish her with intimate details of your sex life?

Surely only to get her to have sex?

You wouldn't say that to someone you were worried was flirting with you.

At the very least they have been having an emotional affair for some time.....I would imagine it was not just the once physically. But does it matter - when trust and respect have evaporated?

You separated immediately after her disclosure, what brought you back together - his pleading?

I absolutely would prefer a man I didn't have to police. Absolutely

The thing is I've invested so much into this relationship and do love him, I know people can sometimes come back from things like this and a part of me was hoping we could be one of those couples.

If I'm honest with myself however, I cannot say with certainty that despite the fact he is remorseful now he may well do it again one day

He cheated on her then cheated on me. I don't buy that these are the only two scenarios where he has cheated during his adult years. I think its time for me to wise up

Personally I would feel more betrayed by him discussing your sex life with his ex. Don't think I could get past that.

I'd say try the couples counseling, if it doesn't work you can walk with no doubt and no regret ... 'what if' is a hard thing to live with.

The fact it happened once and he thought he'd got away with it but still didn't do it again kinda suggests he knew it was a mistake and it wasn't something he wanted to do again.

Also hating her and feeling bitter is normal - don't feel bad for that x

I think she was pursuing him for a while and whilst he didn't go for it at first finally decided "why not"

Him telling her about our lack of sex life came about after they slept together

They slept together and then came the comments "oh she hardly wants sex these days, not like you"

Ugh. I could never look at his stupid face again

It was his pleading that brought us back together yes, he appeared to be genuinely remorseful and said it was the biggest mistake of his life. I believed him and because I still loved him I took him back on the condition he regains my trust and limits contact with her.

Things were going well but after the initial getting back together and enjoying being a couple again I've realised I'm not moving on like I wished I could

I think after getting back together you are relieved after all the shock and trauma and so things do go well - but then your brain starts processing the reality of the situation.... He has broken things - do you think the trust can ever be rebuilt?

He cheated on her then cheated on me. - thats the niggle in your gut OP. Bit of a drip feed (and a lie even OP?) shows you are in denial. Tells you all you need to know - in this case at least - once a cheater always a cheater.

Pleading part of the script.

The thing is I've invested so much into this relationship Sunk costs
fallacy

I know people can sometimes come back from things like this and a part of me was hoping we could be one of those couples. Nope.

They slept together and then came the comments "oh she hardly wants sex these days, not like you" - this is no justification (prob lies anyway) - even worse in many ways - congratulating her on her performance and putting in a covert request for more...