Can we come back from him sleeping with XW or is this beyond repair

[AsYouAre]

Engaged 3 years together 5, one child 2 years old

Fiancé has children with XW so for obvious reasons has had to keep in contact however she has wanted him back since it became clear he and I were serious.

In the past i've seen conversations on his phone and yes I snooped because I sensed something was off about the amount she was texting.

I raised it with him and he admitted she was finding any old reason to be in contact and said she was being a pest but wouldn't elaborate.

When I checked his phone without him knowing it was clear she was giving him the come on by saying things like "its so lonely in this big old bed" among other things such as asking whether he's sure he wants to marry me. He did reject her advances and made it clear he was happy and no longer interested in her in that way and I trusted that to be true so decided not to say anything. It was a mutual split and she had no interest in him until I came onto the scene but i trusted his actions and had faith he respected me. They had long been divorced before we met so no unresolved feelings as far as I knew

Fast forward to now I've found out they have slept together last year after the time I checked his phone.

They swear it was just the once but I can't get past it despite my best efforts to make things work.

We separated then got back together as I felt we may be able to move past it as he regrets it deeply and has gone above and beyond to try and fix things. We have worked on communication and being more open with each other but I find myself throwing it in his face and struggling to trust him around women full stop.

It makes no difference at that she initiated things and did all the chasing, she invited him over under false pretence and then made it clear what she wanted. He is a weak idiot who decided not to say no when she threw herself at him so despite that I don't think I can ever trust him again

He knows he is to blame for cheating and he owns that but admittedly I'm very bitter towards her as I'm not emotionally invested in her as I am him

there's no coming back from this is there? If she was a stranger it wouldn't be as bad, I could eventually move past that.. But she will always be in his life.

I need to hear from others before I throw the towel in and break up my family. I do still love him

I would be more worried about the paranoid wreck of a distracted, emotional depleted mother that your DC would have if you let him stay.

He is a serial cheater - just a matter of time before he does it again, and then more time until he is caught.

You and your DC deserve a life better than this.

he would still be in your childs life. Honestly, its no reason to degrade yourself or be treated like that

I would be more worried about the paranoid wreck of a distracted, emotional depleted mother that your DC would have if you let him stay.

It's early days, OP. You might be a paranoid wreck right now (and I know exactly what that's like) but that's normal. You are nowhere near the minimum time it takes to come to terms with this. If you are reading the forum which I suspect Sandy probably referred you to, you will no doubt have read how so many other people have felt similarly to you, at a similar stage. There is no quick fix. You say dp is going above and beyond to try and fix this. Are you happy with what he's doing, or do you need to make further suggestions? Obviously the ex will always be around to some extent, can you tell him exactly what you would accept as necessary contact, and would he abide by this?

Please don't listen to ppl who talk about you having no self respect, self esteem or being a bad role model for your son. It takes a lot of strength and determination to stay and fix things. Even if you do leave in the end, you'll want to know you tried and made a rational decision instead of being at the mercy of your emotions. I'm sure we all initially say we would leave at the first sign of infidelity, and rarely believe our dp would so something like that in the first place. But it's not that easy to leave when it happens. Get as much counseling and information as you can to enable you to process your emotions, think of the best outcome for you and DS, and implement it with a clear head, whether staying together or not. Do not rush yourself based on what other people might say. Especially those who have not lived through it themselves.

I've spent some time reading the forums of the website you sent me Sandy, I've found it very helpful

Your welcome.

The time taken to heal is very much dependent on how the cheating partner behaves.

If they understand your triggers...If they are remorseful...If you see it in their actions not just words... these things can make it a little easier. However they could also move mountains and it wouldn't be enough. Sometimes it's just too much to het over.

Definitely take as much time as you want to think this over. You don't have to make a decision by any given timeline. You can also change your mind further down the line. Take your time and really focus on what you want in counselling. Everything else can wait. I know it would be nice to have things clear cut and certain asap but so often life isn't like that.

OP - I really feel for you. It is so hard coming to terms with the fact that you will never have the relationship/family you wanted.

My ex H cheated on me - I stayed, read all the infidelity books, did the counselling, gave him another chance because he begged to come back - you know the rest. He cheated again - like your partner he also had ‘form’ in previous relationships.

I never fully trusted him after that and feel I wasted years of my life in an unhappy relationship that turned me from a confident, independent woman to an anxious, unhappy and controlling one. I cannot tell you how much happier I am without him.

Some people will claim they have made it work. The only people I know who have stayed irl are pretty miserable - I am sure there are exceptions, but I honestly don’t know any.

A good counsellor told me there are people who can get over adultery and people who can’t. If you are in the latter group (and I think I am too) don’t torture yourself - no matter how much you love him, put yourself first.

How are you OP?