Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can we come back from him sleeping with XW or is this beyond repair

182 replies

AsYouAre · 28/07/2018 01:00

Engaged 3 years together 5, one child 2 years old

Fiancé has children with XW so for obvious reasons has had to keep in contact however she has wanted him back since it became clear he and I were serious.

In the past i've seen conversations on his phone and yes I snooped because I sensed something was off about the amount she was texting.

I raised it with him and he admitted she was finding any old reason to be in contact and said she was being a pest but wouldn't elaborate.

When I checked his phone without him knowing it was clear she was giving him the come on by saying things like "its so lonely in this big old bed" among other things such as asking whether he's sure he wants to marry me. He did reject her advances and made it clear he was happy and no longer interested in her in that way and I trusted that to be true so decided not to say anything. It was a mutual split and she had no interest in him until I came onto the scene but i trusted his actions and had faith he respected me. They had long been divorced before we met so no unresolved feelings as far as I knew

Fast forward to now I've found out they have slept together last year after the time I checked his phone.

They swear it was just the once but I can't get past it despite my best efforts to make things work.

We separated then got back together as I felt we may be able to move past it as he regrets it deeply and has gone above and beyond to try and fix things. We have worked on communication and being more open with each other but I find myself throwing it in his face and struggling to trust him around women full stop.

It makes no difference at that she initiated things and did all the chasing, she invited him over under false pretence and then made it clear what she wanted. He is a weak idiot who decided not to say no when she threw herself at him so despite that I don't think I can ever trust him again

He knows he is to blame for cheating and he owns that but admittedly I'm very bitter towards her as I'm not emotionally invested in her as I am him

there's no coming back from this is there? If she was a stranger it wouldn't be as bad, I could eventually move past that.. But she will always be in his life.

I need to hear from others before I throw the towel in and break up my family. I do still love him

OP posts:
Thedutchwife · 28/07/2018 11:58

They are both as bad as each each other.

They both couldn’t give a fuck about you when they had a shag (and I bet it was more)

I couldn’t continue to speak to her and pretend I was civil for the sake of the kids. I couldn’t cope with having to be reminding of her smug face at any important events or when I seen her kids, I couldn’t cope with his awkward sheepish face if you were ever in a room together.

This will follow you around like a bad fart for the rest of the relationship.

Both a pair of selfish cunts. They deserve each other.

With a broken heart I’d have to leave for my own sanity and preservation. Flowers

Original poster
AsYouAre · 28/07/2018 11:59

I really don't know, at least not for a long time. I don't know how long I'm prepared to wait and see. I've internalized a lot of my hatred for him and projected it onto the ExW but now the "honeymoon period" of our reconciliation is coming to an end I'm slowly seeing sense in terms of it being all on him. I'm struggling with that reality as it was much easier to tell myself she relentlessly pursued him and if she hadn't then it wouldn't have happened. As stupid and naive as it is, its been easier to blame her

I love him but have very little respect for him now

OP posts:
Branleuse · 28/07/2018 12:02

youll never trust him again. Thats a pretty massive betrayal. I think the fact its his ex wife makes it worse, and the things he said about you, comparing you to her unfavourably. I think you are doing the emotional equivalent of throwing good money after bad.

Original poster
AsYouAre · 28/07/2018 12:02

Sorry to drip feed

I did know he had cheated on her when we got together, we had open discussions about past relationships, infidelity etc.

He said it happened once after she cheated on him and he emotionally checked out.

Due to the fact he was open about it I chalked it up to a lesson learned. Big mistake on my part for ignoring the signs

OP posts:
Original poster
AsYouAre · 28/07/2018 12:04

Thanks for the link I'll take a look now

OP posts:
Original poster
AsYouAre · 28/07/2018 12:08

Hysterical bonding describes perfectly how our reconciliation went

We were more intimate than ever, it has slowly tapered off again now the thrill of him moving back in is wearing off and reality sets in. He doesn't feel like much of a prize anymore nor do I have the urge to "mark my territory" so to speak. I'm seeing him in the cold light of day

OP posts:
another20 · 28/07/2018 12:10

Big mistake on my part for ignoring the signs

Don't make any more mistakes then - not signs now - facts.

You are worth way more than this.

It would be intolerable to be policing him with her in your life 24/7.

It would wreck you emotionally - your DC doesn't need a distracted, drained, paranoid mother. Convert the draining negative emotional energy from dealing with him - to positive bright emotional energy for your child's future. They have already had a depleted experience for the past 3 months.

QueenArseClangers · 28/07/2018 12:12

Your peace of mind and future emotional and mental health are worth SO much more OP.

I hope you find clarity and a way forward. Flowers

another20 · 28/07/2018 12:12

What are the practicalities of moving on for you?

Do you have RL emotional support (professional and friends/family?)

QueenArseClangers · 28/07/2018 12:13

Exactly what another20 said.

Original poster
AsYouAre · 28/07/2018 12:17

I have some support but not an abundance, I would be lying if I said I didn't feel a degree of codependency to him.

Emotionally that is.

I'd like to think I'm a strong person but what he has done has shaken my self esteem

It has all become very toxic if I'm frank with myself, blind hope has allowed me to cling on to something I should be letting go of and would never have stood for in the past

OP posts:
ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 28/07/2018 12:25

I’m sorry OP but the commenting about your sex life to the ex wife is well out of line- almost as bad as the sex. What a scumbag. Leave and don’t look back.

magoria · 28/07/2018 12:34

You are aware if you stay with this man you can never have another child, get ill or go off sex again.

He and his wife were having lots of sex from what you said but he still cheated on her.

You were unwell after having his child so his needs weren't being met and he decided to go elsewhere.

fivelittleduckies · 28/07/2018 12:37

Oh OP - it is so clear how much you want to try and make this relationship work, but as much as I’d like the believe that he’s worth holding onto it is obvious that he is only going to break you more and more.

I’m sorry for you and your DC but you will honestly have a happier life being free of this relationship. He is making you crazy - questioning yourself, worrying about every little scenario and then feeling guilty for all of your suspicions.

NONE of this is your fault.

He cheated on you
He broke your family
He is not trustworthy
He continued to lie to you after the fact
He continued to have an emotional affair - discussing your private sex life with his ex
He continues to act as though he’s dome kind of helpless victim (she wanted him, she pursued him etc etc... he wasn’t raped by her - he willingly had sex with her)

You deserve so much better than this Flowers

Original poster
AsYouAre · 28/07/2018 12:45

I appreciate all of your replies

I barely recognise myself now, I've had serious relationships in the past where I never would have stood for this kind of betrayal. Its shit how deeply something like that can affect you, the fact he was discussing our sex life just adds insult to injury

I asked him why he felt the need to do that and he couldn't give me a straight answer. He was massaging her ego. He is a bastard

OP posts:
another20 · 28/07/2018 12:57

He was massaging her ego. - why? to set himself up for more sex.....

NewtoOLD · 28/07/2018 12:58

Can I add that you sound like an amazing woman and one that does have her head screwed on - even if temporarily you are in this situation still ? I feel from your postings that you already know what you are going to do . Best of luck !

AnyFucker · 28/07/2018 13:00

You know what you need to do Flowers

Original poster
AsYouAre · 28/07/2018 13:04

I've referred myself for therapy this morning, I think once I get my emotions in check I'll be able to think much clearer. I need to get back to the independent strong person I was before.

I know what I need to be doing. I just need to toughen up and do it. Trying to remind myself that none of this is my fault and I have a lot to offer, i don't need to resign myself to a cheat

I have these sporadic moments where I think "fuck you" and then I weaken

Thank you all for being kind

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 28/07/2018 13:09

Something doesn't add up here. Either your DP is dim or a narcissist (or both). There are lots of options for random sex hook ups that would go undetected and yet he chose a ludicrously risky option. An option that also certainly would get caught and in the process hand his ExW ammunition against him.
I doubt very much it was a one off. I totally disagree with I do believe its a one off, I feel she would have said if it wasn't because she was hoping i would leave him if she holds back about other occasions she has one over you Op and more importantly your DH owes her.
As for blocking on his phone that would be laughable it is wasn't such a serious situation.

heavandhell · 28/07/2018 13:14

This woman is always going to be in your life. Every time he drops the children off you will always wonder what he is up to. Every time his phone goes on get anxious about who is contacting him. If it was a one night stand with a stranger I think maybe you could get over it, but not this, always a reminder on what they did behind your back.

Original poster
AsYouAre · 28/07/2018 13:21

He's definitely not narcissistic, but he's not the sharpest tool in the box

I feel bad for saying that but its true and he's not. He knows he isn't.

He does fine in his job and left school with OK results but he's not intelligent (not that I'm saying I am!)

Not making jibes at him being thick just answering DrMorbius post

Emotionally he is very immature

OP posts:
AlwaysSleepy1 · 28/07/2018 13:34

How much did he contact her after sleeping with her? I'm wondering if he realised and backed off cause he was an idiot or did he kept something going with her (even just emotional?) until April when she decided to tell you.. Perhaps try and have a look what they've been saying to each past that date in October?

Such a hard situation - forgiveness and trust does take a long time but I think you need to decide whether you actually seem him as the same man anymore or not then go from there. I do think individual counselling would help you and also time apart - living separately for a while and him still proving himself to be honest and trustworthy would go a long way I think..

Branleuse · 28/07/2018 13:42

He must love two women fawning over him knowing they both want him. I just couldnt bring myself to be that degraded as to stay.
I dont think its honourable to try and make it work after being betrayed