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Original poster

Money causing family tensions

392 replies

RollUpTheHosepipe · 27/07/2018 18:30

I hope this fits into Relationships, I’m not feeling brave enough for AIBU! Genuinely unsure if I’m in the wrong here or not. Have name changed and can’t give too much detail for fear of outing, but the gist is this...

I’ve been with DH for many years and in all that time there has been a long standing arrangement regarding a family property, in that when it was sold half would go to him, and half would go to his parents. This was the request of the original owners of the property, and the deeds of the house reflect half ownership.

The property is now being sold, and his parents have asked him for almost all of the money from his half in order to fund a property they want to buy. They would have enough money to buy something with their half, but it isn’t what they want, they want one that costs considerably more hence the request.

DH is in an absolute state because he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to be the reason that his parents are unhappy by saying no, but we have children of our own and the amount of money we’re talking about them taking would be totally life changing for us. We have suggested compromises where they take a lesser amount from DH’s half to give them more money to play with, but they don’t like those options either.

I have had a difficult relationship with my in laws in the past, and me and DH have had some ups and downs lately so I’m conscious of our relationship too, but I don’t understand putting your own wants above your child and your grandchildren, and it’s not something I would ever do unless I was utterly desperate, not just because I didn’t like the options available for the amount of money that I had.

Ive told DH that it’s his decision to make and he needs to do whatever he needs to do for his own peace of mind, and I will support him in that. Whatever happens won’t affect our relationship in any way, because it’s not him I’m mad at and we will be fine regardless of what happens. But, I can’t hide the fact that I’m livid with his parents for putting him in this position in the first place, and for asking him to give up so much when we could do so many things with the money ourselves. So I’ve told him that should this go ahead as they wish, I’ll do nothing to stop him and the kids seeing his parents as they wish, but I don’t want to see them for the foreseeable future because I can’t accept their behaviour and am too mad with them on behalf of DH.

Im not envisaging this to go on forever, but for now I just don’t want to face them. This isn’t helping DH who wants to find a solution to make everyone happy when there clearly isn’t one, but I don’t feel like a can lie about how I feel. Am I being grabby in expecting DH to be given what he’s owed? Am I being dramatic? Should I slap on a happy face and pretend for the sake of relations? I’ve gone over it so many times that I’m not sure what’s best so hoping some outside perspectives will help.

OP posts:
Cherubfish · 27/07/2018 18:34

I don't think you're being grabby. I agree with you that his parents are completely out of order in the situation as you've described it. I'd focus on getting your DH to say no rather than worrying about whether you'll still speak to your in laws if this happens!

Is he an only child?

girlwithadragontattoo · 27/07/2018 18:38

I don't think your being grabby at all! What a shit thing of them to do.
I think their the grabby ones especially if they will have plenty of cash to buy somewhere to live. We'd all like to live in a palace! Unfortunately you can only buy what you can afford and from the sounds of it they'll be fine.
Hopefully hubby tells them a stern no!

MrsGrindah · 27/07/2018 18:39

I feel for you I do but the way forward is to take all the emotion out of things. Look at the original agreement..is it in writing?...and take that as the default position. So x said he wanted A and B to have 50% share...that’s what needs to happen despite anyone’s arguments no matter how persuasive they are. Presumably someone owns the property now or is overseeing the sale so they need to follow instructions. People don’t have to like it

Original poster
RollUpTheHosepipe · 27/07/2018 18:44

He is an only child with a long history Of being incapable of saying no to his parents, which is why I think I’ve resigned myself to the inevitable outcome and am trying to focus on how to keep the peace within our own family unit. I know it’s not ideal, particularly now, but I think it’s something that’s sadly unlikely to change in the time it takes to make this decision.

OP posts:
NT53NJT · 27/07/2018 18:44

I'd give them the money for the house but say I want to own x amount of the property (whatever the money I gave ) so when they sell it or pass away I would have that percentage.

Fair for everyone.

RandomMess · 27/07/2018 18:48

I would be the fall guy, "tell them I won't let you because we need it for our DC"

Your DH can't win this so you may as well have the money that belongs to DH and default you as it's an asset of the marriage!

Softkitty2 · 27/07/2018 18:50

He should own a percentage of the new property his parents wants to buy. That way if ever in the future the house is sold (care fees etc) his money is protected.

His parents probably think he will inherit it all anyway but not when they may need extensive residential/nursing care and the assets are used/sold to fund that and rightly so.

freetoagoodhome · 27/07/2018 18:52

@NT53NJT That’s not fair, it’s just caving in and giving them what they want while depriving OP’s family of the opportunities the money could afford them right now.

I can’t believe this is an issue. Sounds to me like the perfect opportunity to be rid of them for good. Disgusting attitude from them.

Caselgarcia · 27/07/2018 18:55

I would ask them for their half so you could buy a bigger house for your family as you have seen one you like but can't afford

TheBlueDot · 27/07/2018 18:56

As softkitty says, be careful of the longer term implications for care home fees etc - DH could see the inheritance that someone wanted him to have disappear. DH should own a percentage of the new property as it’s his money, but check out whether it could be seen as his parents asset if they are not paying rent etc to DH.

I would actually be the bad guy and say that the money was intended for DH and thereby his DC - therefore the money does go to DH now and not to his parents. It can be used to enhance his and DCs life, which is surely what the person who left the property to him intended.

WoodenCat · 27/07/2018 18:59

The deeds reflect ownership, the agreement was half and half. Your DH is not unreasonable to stick with the agreement. His parents are beyond unreasonable to ask for anything different. If I were you I’d make a big deal about this, back him to the hilt on keeping what’s his. If they won’t be destitute without more than their half, why do they think they need more?

HollowTalk · 27/07/2018 19:00

Who is the executor?

Frankly, your husband needs to get a grip. Why should they have his share as well as their own? What would they say if he said he wanted their share?

And because you and your husband are married, it's as much your money as his. Who has left the money to his parents? It can only be someone who's related to one of them - surely the other is an in law, just as you are?

NT53NJT · 27/07/2018 19:03

@freetoagoodhome can be considered an investment. That money will increase in value as the house does. If they can afford to live as they are now.

Original poster
RollUpTheHosepipe · 27/07/2018 19:03

The care fee implications hadn’t even occurred to me, so probably haven’t to anyone else either, that’s a good point. Neither of them is in the best health so that is likely to happen at some point in the future.

The property they’re looking at buying also isn’t a standard brick and mortar house, so it’s likely going to depriciate by a lot over the coming years, meaning there might not even be as much as they put in anyway. I feel like I’m being seen as grasping for saying we should take the money for that reason, but his parents somehow aren’t for wanting to take money from us and put it into something that isn’t even a good investment. It’s all just a bit of a bloody mess, really.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/07/2018 19:06

The more you explain the more I say just insist DH says no and be seen as a grasping cow 🤷🏽‍♀️ I think your DH will actually be relieved that you are giving him a get out...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/07/2018 19:07

What WoodenCat wrote. His parents can take a running jump because they are both being greedy and grabby. They know the terms here and are being grossly unfair. It should be spelt out to them by the two of you presenting a united front. And FGS do not slap on a happy face and pretend for the sake of relations; such appeasement only serves to make such people like his parents continue to behave badly.

You need to present a united front. I would not leave this to him solely because he could well cave and hand over his half to them.
Presumably they have also leaned on him like this because they know he cannot readily say no to them. They were truly crap parents to him when he was growing up and I would argue too that they have not at all altered in the years since. This is a golden opportunity for your DH to assert his own self here and put his own family unit first. Your DH also needs to deal properly with his FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re his parents and he may well want to consider seeing a counsellor in this respect. Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward could well help him.

freetoagoodhome · 27/07/2018 19:09

@NT53NJT could be, but still not what I would class as “fair”. More just pandering to them under another word. That implies that not giving them the money is somehow unfair. His money to invest or spend as he sees fit.

SmileSweetly · 27/07/2018 19:14

The grandparents selfishly want the money that belongs to their DS...however if he gives it to them he is taking money that would benefit his own DC, just to make them happy, that's also pretty selfish.

I would suggest he breaks the cycle and doesn't give it to them, I'm guessed he won't though.

topcat2014 · 27/07/2018 19:16

So they are not buying a standard home but a depreciating asset (park home?), Tell them no is a complete sentence!

Original poster
RollUpTheHosepipe · 27/07/2018 19:19

He’s going to talk to them after work tonight to see if there’s a way forward involving a compromise, but I’m not holding out hope. I will definitely mention the care home implications though as that’s something we definitely need to look into in more detail before anything happens.

AtillaTheMeerkat you’re absolutely spot on but if DH can’t see that this is what’s happening how can I even begin to convince him otherwise without being the bad guy?

OP posts:
Caselgarcia · 27/07/2018 19:20

Could you say you are looking into investments which will fund your DC's future uni fees and the money will be put towards that. So effectively they are taking from their grandchildren?

Original poster
RollUpTheHosepipe · 27/07/2018 19:21

Yes, they want to buy a park home (which seems like it comes with a whole other set of issues to consider on top of what there already are)

OP posts:
Cambionome · 27/07/2018 19:21

I'm sure that you are trying to do the right thing by telling your dh that it's his decision, but actually you are probably making things harder for him. He is too deep in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt - to make this decision and risk upsetting his parents.

I would personally take the burden off him and insist that you need the money for your dc, and - honestly - I wouldn't give a shit if the pil considered that to be "grabby".

TheBlueDot · 27/07/2018 19:25

So they want to sacrifice the grandchildren’s security for them to have holidays? How selfish are they?!

pallisers · 27/07/2018 19:26

They are being very unreasonable.

I feel like I’m being seen as grasping for saying we should take the money for that reason, but his parents somehow aren’t for wanting to take money from us and put it into something that isn’t even a good investment

You have summed up the situation perfectly here. The mistake you are making is you think there is a solution whereby you can say no to the parents, keep the money that is lawfully your husbands, and still be liked by everyone. you can't.

Your choices are to stand up to his utterly unreasonable, silly, and very grabby parents and have them dislike you both - you take the heat for a bit - but have your substantial savings to fall back on OR give in, feel hard done by and resentful and weak and have the parents say thanks loads love and like you. I know which one I would pick in these circumstances.

Also the original owner of this property did not want the entire of it to go to your dh's parents. There was probably a reason for this. You are basically thrwarting the original owner's wishes for the property.