Money causing family tensions

[RollUpTheHosepipe]

I hope this fits into Relationships, I’m not feeling brave enough for AIBU! Genuinely unsure if I’m in the wrong here or not. Have name changed and can’t give too much detail for fear of outing, but the gist is this...

I’ve been with DH for many years and in all that time there has been a long standing arrangement regarding a family property, in that when it was sold half would go to him, and half would go to his parents. This was the request of the original owners of the property, and the deeds of the house reflect half ownership.

The property is now being sold, and his parents have asked him for almost all of the money from his half in order to fund a property they want to buy. They would have enough money to buy something with their half, but it isn’t what they want, they want one that costs considerably more hence the request.

DH is in an absolute state because he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to be the reason that his parents are unhappy by saying no, but we have children of our own and the amount of money we’re talking about them taking would be totally life changing for us. We have suggested compromises where they take a lesser amount from DH’s half to give them more money to play with, but they don’t like those options either.

I have had a difficult relationship with my in laws in the past, and me and DH have had some ups and downs lately so I’m conscious of our relationship too, but I don’t understand putting your own wants above your child and your grandchildren, and it’s not something I would ever do unless I was utterly desperate, not just because I didn’t like the options available for the amount of money that I had.

Ive told DH that it’s his decision to make and he needs to do whatever he needs to do for his own peace of mind, and I will support him in that. Whatever happens won’t affect our relationship in any way, because it’s not him I’m mad at and we will be fine regardless of what happens. But, I can’t hide the fact that I’m livid with his parents for putting him in this position in the first place, and for asking him to give up so much when we could do so many things with the money ourselves. So I’ve told him that should this go ahead as they wish, I’ll do nothing to stop him and the kids seeing his parents as they wish, but I don’t want to see them for the foreseeable future because I can’t accept their behaviour and am too mad with them on behalf of DH.

Im not envisaging this to go on forever, but for now I just don’t want to face them. This isn’t helping DH who wants to find a solution to make everyone happy when there clearly isn’t one, but I don’t feel like a can lie about how I feel. Am I being grabby in expecting DH to be given what he’s owed? Am I being dramatic? Should I slap on a happy face and pretend for the sake of relations? I’ve gone over it so many times that I’m not sure what’s best so hoping some outside perspectives will help.

I do hope they are made to stick to the original 50 50 agreement. For them to change it unilaterally is monstrously unfair.

I would try explain that the person who left the property wanted it split 50 50 and changing that is going against their wishes. How would he feel about that? Also try explain it would be good for your kids now and if you bought a house with it you would be making more money in the long run rather than his parents loosing it. How can your husband take money from his kids? I wouldn't be happy. Try to be understanding so he doesn't just do it anyway because you are telling him what to do but he needs to be told it's not right or fair.

See a solicitor about your rights quickly.
No way I’d let any fucker take what should go to my children.
I know some people will say it’s your DHs property but when you had children with him imo that gave you a right to have a say in any major financial decisions. And this is a major financial decision.
Your in laws are twats but H needs to develop a backbone and put his kids first. This would be a marriage ender for me.

Get him to read some of those other threads. Frankly get him to tell his parents to read them. This will be the biggest mistake any of you ever make. Just burn the money. You'll be saving everyone from years of drawn out misery.

If PILs live in the property that’s about to be sold, why is it being sold? Do they have any other assets they can release to house themselves?

If they don’t have other assests and are being forced out of their home, I can kind of see why they are acting the way they are. They’re probably thinking you and DH are ok for a home, whereas they are facing being without a home.

If they rent, they will burn through the inheritance pretty quickly. Can you look at buying a proper home with them (after checking the care home / assets issue) or buying a house between you to rent out. You both get rental income - you use yours for DC and they use their half to help rent a park home / house / whatever they want to live in.

How old are they? Do they have retirement income or just basic benefits.

I can see the sense in wanting a home outright as if on low income they will worry about rent.
Park home is not a good idea though.
Why is the current house having to be sold?

Could they buy a place with your Dhs as part owner, he could have a charge on it.

I think if they are elderly then your dh will want to help them but there are ways he can do that and retain his share.

I would get some legal advice on whether the money could be lent but paid back in some way like he owns a percentage in their property if they take his share of the money to ensure he gets his share back. He shouldn't just have to give that amount of money up so his parents can have what they can't afford. The person left the money equally for a reason and should be respected.

Personally I would be shocked if my parents asked this of me instead of thinking of their kid and grandchildren and their needs. I'd expect the family and children to be put first not the parents ( in laws)

What kind of parents would do that? Are they under the impression that you're very wealthy?

Fuscking hell.

No to a park home. Bear in mind once you buy one, and pay ground rent and take into account depreciation you will be left with fuck all.

Even better, many parks have a ‚‘no homes older than 10 years old‘ rule. So after 10 years thy have to pay to have it removed AND pay for somewhere else to live.

You’d be batshit to allow this to happen

They made the decision to sell the house as their health means that living there is getting to be a struggle for them. I understand wanting to help, but they wouldn’t be homeless on their half, they would just need to adjust their expectations. This agreement was made about 20 years ago at which point the house was already paid off, so they’ve lived for 2 decades mortgage free knowing the day would come when they would be be expected to hand over half the house, and have made no provision for that. We rent a house, so to us this money means being able to have a home of our own. If we didn’t have the money we’d continue to save to buy one on our own, but this will save us years of time and make such a difference to our future plans.

Missed the age questions, they are both in their 60s.

Oh for god's sake, OP, tell your husband to get a grip, ffs! They can't just insist on having his inheritance! If he can't think of himself or you, surely he can think of your children? That's their inheritance, too. Your children would love to have their own home - make him think of that.

I think the only way to get respect from pil and be seen as part of the family is to stand up to them. Don’t let them walk all over you and take away what could be a better life for your children in order so they can have a nicer life. They need to live by their means.

Hmmm. If there’s enough money to house them and enough for you to move out of rented accommodation, what they are suggesting seems even worse. A park home will burn through money and leave you with far less than if DH stood up to the them and raised for the money now.

Would they be likely to not proceed with selling the house if they knew DH wanted his half?

I bet they’re thinking ‘DS is ok with us living here and his money being tied up, it’ll be no different when we move to the park house. DS doesn’t have the money now and he won’t have it when we move to the park house, so it’ll make no difference to him and what we want to do is perfectly reasonable’.

They've had 20 years to plan for this, they don't need the extra share to buy something suitable but you and DH do...

Stop playing the dutiful supportive wife and tell him that if he does not put his DC need for a secure home above his DO desire to have a nicer/more expensive home then quite frankly it doesn't bode well for the future.

Your ILs don't include you as "family" so just take on the bad guy role for your DC sake.

Your ILs don't include you as "family" so just take on the bad guy role for your DC sake

^ This

You've got to fight this.Get involved.

*It is your money as well if you are married.

• Park homes depreciate fast.
• It's for your children's future *You need to get on the property ladder.

Another person saying FGS, don’t “lend” his half for a park home. He/you will never see that money again.

His parents are absolutely insane to think this is a good idea, particularly if a bricks and mortar property is an affordable option. You may as well burn the cash than sink it into a park home.

Whichever way you cut it, they're being pretty unreasonable.

If they were talking about buying bricks and mortar that is one thing and worst case (if your husband really wants to roll over) he would need to protect himself by being a joint owner.

HOWEVER, putting money into a caravan is off the chart selfish. (1) they'll have to vacate the holiday park for a set period of time each year; (2) the caravan will depreciate.

It is truly shocking that knowing you're InRented accommodation, they're not proposing to give your husband his share. Unbelievably selfish.

Your husband needs to put his foot down. If it were my husband, I'm not sure I would be so forgiving.

Could you practice him saying 'no' firmly and clearly. I know if sounds odd, but someone did it with me and it simply gets easier to do. He was asking me all sorts of questions, with reasonable and not and I held his gaze and calmly replied 'no' each time. And that I didn't have to discuss it any more than that

In summary your husband has an inheritance that could buy you a family home and provide security for you both and your children. He is on the cusp of giving it away so his parents can buy a depreciating asset and enjoy the lifestyle of their choosing.

This is really about priorities: his children's security or his parents retirement lifestyle?

If your dh denies his children stability and a home of their own, and possible future inheritence to leave them, for the sake of pleasing his parents, then I, too would leave him.
I also think that a big fall out would benefit you all. They dont love any of you, to even consider taking what is yours. And yes, yours, as in your dh family, the one who produced their grandchildren.

So, DH came home late last night having spoken to his parents at length and has told them they need to find a cheaper property as the amount they’re proposing is just too much and we need the money too. I highly doubt the words “No, I want my whole share” passed his lips at any point, but this is still amazing progress for someone who in the past has struggled to stand up to his parents on much smaller issues.

He’s feeling incredibly guilty at the moment for disappointing his parents, so I’m trying to reassure him that his parents are the ones who should feel guilty for even asking it of him, and he’s put the security of his own children first which is what any sane person would do under the circumstances. Once the dust has settled from this I will be gently suggesting that he should read the Toxic Parents book.

He said that they were fine with his decision, but in the same breath they invited us all over tomorrow, so I fully expect that another salvo is coming. Fortunately I’ll be there and the more I’ve thought about his the more I can see that you’re all right and what they’re asking is grossly unfair to DH and to our children so I will have no qualms with a) making sure they understand that our position is a firm no and b) upsetting them if necessary.

And i wonder where theyd live for that month?
Probably in your rented house.
Pisstakers, they know he's too worn down to tell them. You need to be the bad guy here for your childrens sake

Just read update.
He must give them nothing. Nothing. Or that 'small amount' will be manipulated.
He isnt amazing, he is letting your children down.
He must give thrm none of his share. Theyve had 20 years to save

Good update, OP. Make sure you are well prepared for tomorrow with some stock phrases - "I know relative X would have wanted us to stick to the terms of the agreement", "DH and I are planning to moving out of rented accommodation and buy a property so we'll need our share of the money", "maybe we should discuss this with a solicitor" etc.