Money causing family tensions

[RollUpTheHosepipe]

I hope this fits into Relationships, I’m not feeling brave enough for AIBU! Genuinely unsure if I’m in the wrong here or not. Have name changed and can’t give too much detail for fear of outing, but the gist is this...

I’ve been with DH for many years and in all that time there has been a long standing arrangement regarding a family property, in that when it was sold half would go to him, and half would go to his parents. This was the request of the original owners of the property, and the deeds of the house reflect half ownership.

The property is now being sold, and his parents have asked him for almost all of the money from his half in order to fund a property they want to buy. They would have enough money to buy something with their half, but it isn’t what they want, they want one that costs considerably more hence the request.

DH is in an absolute state because he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to be the reason that his parents are unhappy by saying no, but we have children of our own and the amount of money we’re talking about them taking would be totally life changing for us. We have suggested compromises where they take a lesser amount from DH’s half to give them more money to play with, but they don’t like those options either.

I have had a difficult relationship with my in laws in the past, and me and DH have had some ups and downs lately so I’m conscious of our relationship too, but I don’t understand putting your own wants above your child and your grandchildren, and it’s not something I would ever do unless I was utterly desperate, not just because I didn’t like the options available for the amount of money that I had.

Ive told DH that it’s his decision to make and he needs to do whatever he needs to do for his own peace of mind, and I will support him in that. Whatever happens won’t affect our relationship in any way, because it’s not him I’m mad at and we will be fine regardless of what happens. But, I can’t hide the fact that I’m livid with his parents for putting him in this position in the first place, and for asking him to give up so much when we could do so many things with the money ourselves. So I’ve told him that should this go ahead as they wish, I’ll do nothing to stop him and the kids seeing his parents as they wish, but I don’t want to see them for the foreseeable future because I can’t accept their behaviour and am too mad with them on behalf of DH.

Im not envisaging this to go on forever, but for now I just don’t want to face them. This isn’t helping DH who wants to find a solution to make everyone happy when there clearly isn’t one, but I don’t feel like a can lie about how I feel. Am I being grabby in expecting DH to be given what he’s owed? Am I being dramatic? Should I slap on a happy face and pretend for the sake of relations? I’ve gone over it so many times that I’m not sure what’s best so hoping some outside perspectives will help.

They'll have a full list of justifications for DH. He's going to want to cave. I hope he's seeing sense, and thinking of his own children, by the time it comes to their ultimatums.

Just say that legally, because it was left in the will, that you have to split the money first, THEN and only then can you decide what to do with it.

Tell them that there is a gift tax and your husband can’t give his ‘quarter’ to them or he will be taxed heavily.
He also wants to use his quarter on a deposit for a house for you and he kids.
Keep saying ‘quarter’ because half of it is yours as you are married.

You can then say you are spending your quarter on doing up your new house (bedsheets etc.)

I can’t believe how badly they are treated your husband and children. You say they don’t like you, well they don’t like your husband or children, they are taking money from them!!!! (but just smiling and pretending to love them while doing it.)
No wonder the person wanted your husband to have half the property. Your PIL are really mean!

I have a feeling you have seen straight through them from the start, that’s why they wanted rid of you, you have never put up with their shite, so why start now?

Good luck tomorrow.

I'd get your calculator out and work out some figures:
Where would you (ie you DH & DCs) be now financially if you'd bought that first house they talked him out of years ago?
How much would you have paid off (at the amount you've paid in rent)
What would that house be worth now?
You will then have a figure that their advice has cost you as a family so far.
Food for thought, but you can't change the past, only the future.

So next you work out where you'd all be in 10 years if you follow their plan (PILs too)
And where you'd all be if you take your 60k, use it as a deposit on a family home and pay off a mortgage at the rate you're paying rent now, and they get a small flat/bungalow

Take these figures with you the you go
(ignore effect of rising house prices if its easier)

It's going to be easier all round if you just say no. We need our half. All of it. Your expectations of us giving you money are unrealistic. In fact we'd like some help with our deposit. You have had 20 years rent free to save. You chose not to this is the consequence.

Please get your half.

Well it’s the park Home but that clinches it surely, not the best move for them.
Friends moved into one 5 years ago -it’s v neat but now when I make contact it’s all about who of their neighbours has passed on, a downside to living with just older people.

I can’t believe the selfishness of your PILS .

Utterly selfish and egocentric.

Surely one of the points of being a parent is trying to set up your children if you are financially able to do so - not take money from them when there is no need for this whatsoever.

Your dh needs to say no outright and sod the consequences IMO. He needs to tell them that their grandchildren need the money more than they do, and in any case it is his and not up for grabs.

What kind of crap parents are they?

The grandparents are an absolute disgrace. How disgusting and greedy to want to cheat your own child out of his legally entitled inheritance.

DH needs to grow a pair and absolutely refuse to budge on a single penny. They've had 20 years to save up/make plans for the day the house was sold and they've chosen not to. Tough luck for them. They need to be grateful for the fact they've lived rent/mortgage free for years and stop being so selfish and self absorbed, and let their child have what is legally (and morally) his. In full.

No. Insist on saying no.

What they are doing is shocking.

They are so lucky to get this windfall and they want more? They want your dh's share too? Astonishing.

I'm sure your family could do with the extra help this windfall will bring.

Their greed, audacity and selfishness is appalling.

Show your dh this thread. He needs to grow a pair and simply say no.

If they strop off then that's tough. He cannot be treated like this.

Stick to your guns today OP, you need your rightful 50% share to set you and your children’s lives up. Don’t wobble and good luck 😉

It also sounds like your pil know they can bully your dh into this.

I'm sorry but they are vile people for doing this.

Ask him to get financial advice from a professional before he makes any decisions.

I bet there's a loooooong history of it too.

Buy him the book Toxic Parents.

Agree with pps, but don't start referring to 'your quarter' of the money. That would be extremely goady and goes completely against you and your DH being a team. In his shoes I would be very if my OH did that.

@another20 what happened in the end then?

I just can't get past the fact they have lived rent/mortgage free for 20 years throughout their 40's and 50's and have no savings. Or do they? If they'd only saved £250 per month they'd have that 60k now. What have they spent their earnings on?

So, they lived rent free, while the OP rented. Having waited all this time, they fancy just appropriating the whole value to piss up the wall leaving the OP with nothing.

That is beyond cheeky...

I would go armed with details of a house you want to buy now you have access to a deposit. Throw them off course by saying the kids are getting excited about being able to finally have their ' forever' home. Make it about the children..... 'Look at the garden, the kids will love it, it's near their school too, it's big enough to have their friends to stay....they are so excited'

Good luck today OP. Families can be real shits at times. We had a similar situation, FIL died and MIL was never on title deeds, so was advised to put her home in the names of her DS(my DH) and her DD. DD gets divorced and says she can't afford a house big enough for her and her DC so could DM just release the equity on her house please and give it to her!!! WTAF!!! DH put his foot down and said no on the grounds that his DM may at some point have to sell and move into sheltered or similar. Some folk are so fecking entitled!!!

There are places in the UK where it is possible to buy a flat, house or retirement property made of brick for £50k or less. Look www.rightmove.co.uk Secondly, if they lived rent free for several years where are their savings ?

People like this have a self-centred narrative which relies on everyone else playing their part.

In their eyes they have this lovely plan for a posh shed, planned all the way down to the bedding, and it's just lovely etc etc. Now you're going to spoil it by not playing your part.

Anything that deviates from this personal narrative will not be allowed in their eyes. All you want to do is spoil their retirement!

And where did the money go over those 20years? Why, it went on keeping up the house for you all. You've been in rented so you don't know what it takes to keep a house. They've put all their money into the house and now have no savings and a retirement spoiled by you.

And so on.

I would go armed with details of a house you want to buy now you have access to a deposit. Throw them off course by saying the kids are getting excited about being able to finally have their ' forever' home. Make it about the children..... 'Look at the garden, the kids will love it, it's near their school too, it's big enough to have their friends to stay....they are so excited'

Do this ^ - it would be worth it just to see their faces!

Why shouldn't YOU have made plans for YOUR money - they've even picked out which fixtures and fittings package they want on the park home! What are they going to say " Err no, it would be much better for you to stay in rented and give ALL the cash to us!"

Take the full 50%. All of it. You are not in a position to give money away. If you were nicely set in a decent house, and there was nothing they could buy with their share, I could just about accept it - but only if they bought a proper house/flat, and you jointly owned it.

They are appalling, selfish people. Their plans will leave you with nothing, but they just don't care. Don't enable any more of this nonsense. The relative knew what they were doing when they left half to your DH. Honour their wishes, and buy your family home NOW, and let them get a perfectly acceptable flat/bungalow.

Good luck today, I hope it all goes well. I think you need to explain more to them what this will mean to your children and their grandchildren. They are nasty people like many parents unfortunately. I too have nasty parents that I have gone no contact with so I can understand the guilt that your husband feels but at some point he has to decide what his normal is and what lasting impression he wants to leave on his own children.

You go girl! I have everything crossed for you. I really hope that your DH stands up to his parents

DH is wavering already He’s trying to discuss what amount of money we can agree to give them “if they need it”. I’ve told him they don’t need any of it and this is based on their wants, but it’s clear he feels obligated to do something, he’s trotting out all the classics like “they’ve done a lot for me over the years” and “if you were in a position to help your mother you’d want to do it”. For reference, my mother could no longer afford to keep her house, so she sold it and moved into a council bungalow where she lives quite happily on state pension and little else. She looks after our children for free 2 days a week while they work, cleans the house while she’s here to save us doing it at night, and won’t take a penny from us for any of it. Despite having little disposable income, she pays into a funeral plan every month so that when the time comes we won’t be out of pocket. To my mind, this is what parents do and what I would do for my children in a heartbeat. When I pointed this out to him, he accused me of trying to make it into a competition between our parents, I suppose this is what years of thinking his family dynamic was right will do.

His main concern is still family harmony, so he wants me to agree, assuming the house sells for what we expect, to be prepared to give them up to 10k. I’ve told him that if he’s utterly determined then nothing I say will change his mind, but I’m disappointed in him for taking that money away from our family to fund his parent’s chosen lifestyle, that it cannot be “Oh, we just need 10 plus fees” or “If you just gave us 12 we could get x,y,z”, if it’s to be 10 that’s the end of the conversation, and that it needs to be clear that there will be no more money forthcoming if they “need” it in the future. I’m bitterly disappointed but if I can’t even get DH on side I don’t see how I can fight this fight without him, without fracturing his and our family forever.

That should be my mother looks after our children while we work, we’re not so desperate for money that we’re sending them up chimneys just yet

So he expects you to give his parents money for nothing whereas your mother who is saving you (how much?) in child care/cleaning gets nothing from you? How can he not see that's not right?

Is this what he would do to his own kids in 30 years? If not, what’s the difference? If so, I’d not want to be the other half of him when that time comes.