Money causing family tensions

[RollUpTheHosepipe]

I hope this fits into Relationships, I’m not feeling brave enough for AIBU! Genuinely unsure if I’m in the wrong here or not. Have name changed and can’t give too much detail for fear of outing, but the gist is this...

I’ve been with DH for many years and in all that time there has been a long standing arrangement regarding a family property, in that when it was sold half would go to him, and half would go to his parents. This was the request of the original owners of the property, and the deeds of the house reflect half ownership.

The property is now being sold, and his parents have asked him for almost all of the money from his half in order to fund a property they want to buy. They would have enough money to buy something with their half, but it isn’t what they want, they want one that costs considerably more hence the request.

DH is in an absolute state because he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to be the reason that his parents are unhappy by saying no, but we have children of our own and the amount of money we’re talking about them taking would be totally life changing for us. We have suggested compromises where they take a lesser amount from DH’s half to give them more money to play with, but they don’t like those options either.

I have had a difficult relationship with my in laws in the past, and me and DH have had some ups and downs lately so I’m conscious of our relationship too, but I don’t understand putting your own wants above your child and your grandchildren, and it’s not something I would ever do unless I was utterly desperate, not just because I didn’t like the options available for the amount of money that I had.

Ive told DH that it’s his decision to make and he needs to do whatever he needs to do for his own peace of mind, and I will support him in that. Whatever happens won’t affect our relationship in any way, because it’s not him I’m mad at and we will be fine regardless of what happens. But, I can’t hide the fact that I’m livid with his parents for putting him in this position in the first place, and for asking him to give up so much when we could do so many things with the money ourselves. So I’ve told him that should this go ahead as they wish, I’ll do nothing to stop him and the kids seeing his parents as they wish, but I don’t want to see them for the foreseeable future because I can’t accept their behaviour and am too mad with them on behalf of DH.

Im not envisaging this to go on forever, but for now I just don’t want to face them. This isn’t helping DH who wants to find a solution to make everyone happy when there clearly isn’t one, but I don’t feel like a can lie about how I feel. Am I being grabby in expecting DH to be given what he’s owed? Am I being dramatic? Should I slap on a happy face and pretend for the sake of relations? I’ve gone over it so many times that I’m not sure what’s best so hoping some outside perspectives will help.

I'm glad you've made your feelings known about it. Initially I thought it a mistake you'd told him you'd accept whatever he decided. His decision affects you and your children. His parents are selfish to even ask. You have a right to say that is not good for "our" family. I know their his family too but they're not putting him first and his family with you take priority. He must know that.

You married him. "With my worldly goods I thee endow" - i.e. you're entitled to have an opinion when it affects you.

If you give them your DH's share then surely it's better they stay in that home they're in now and he signs them his share rather than sell to buy a property that will depreciate. I don't know the sums involved here but with their share and his share, which is worth a whole property (unless it had a mortgage on it), how luxurious is this park home? £100k worth? They're mugs if they buy that as their main home. There's been many programmes showing the pitfalls of these homes - the companies that run them can change the terms and conditions willy nilly.

Well done op, well done.
Now stand firm.

Thank you The more I hear from you guys the more I can’t believe I ever doubted I was being reasonable! When I posted last night I honestly thought there was a good chance I’d be getting a pasting for being a bad DIL and not respecting my in laws and their relationship with DH (as many other PIL threads seem to go), now I can see how unreasonable not only this but many other aspects of the relationship have been and will definitely be standing firm now and in the future.

You’re about right lizzie1970a, the house is worth in the region of 120k, and PIL’s original desire (which they’ve now been told is not tenable) was to have a new park home built, fully furnished (right down to things like new bedding, even though they have a house full of furnishings. I will admit to being absolutely gobsmacked when that part came out) and sited at a cost of £110k, meaning after the fees relating to the sale were paid there’d be a few thousand left, if that.

God, reading that back makes it sound so unbelievable that if I was on the outside and not currently trying to navigate this I would think that the OP was taking the piss.

Keep strong OP, you will win.

Start looking tonight at the houses you can afford with a £60K deposit, AND SHOW YOUR DH!!

www.rightmove.co.uk/

See how much your mortgage will be - I bet its lower than your current rent

www.moneysupermarket.com/mortgages/?p=0&cicp1=&source=GOO-29109C82&mckv=swfTKsqJ8|dc_pcrid_260447726282_mtype_e_kword_mortgage%20calculator_2764ri918980_slid__pgrid_3301037827_ptaid_kwd-16231941&uuid=11111111-1111-1111-1111-111111111111&Device=c&engine=google&ptaid=kwd-16231941&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIiuLP3sfC3AIVSLTtCh0ovQkYEAAYAiAAEgLDufD_BwE&adloc=1007142&pgrid=3301037827

Ask your DH why you and your kid's should sacrifice any future security, and stay in rented, on 6 monthly AST's, just so their GP's can live in an over-priced shed!

well done OP.. your DH must stand his ground on this one

What is it about people who waste vast amounts of money and new bedding/curtains? It's as if they have to waste every last penny, as well as the thousands before it.

It's utterly selfish and awful of them. They want these things but they need to realise they don't have the money for it. Just like everyone else has to realise.

They have lived rent/mortgage free for 20 years. Surely they should have planned for the future and put money aside during thus time
It does not make any sense at all
Where has their money gone?

110k? Is it platinum plated with gold window frames? That’s a ridiculous sum of money for a depreciating asset. And new bedding etc - I hope he tells them to go jump. He certainly should.

Urghh they don’t care about their own son and grandchildren?! Awful. Take the half that was promised and that’s that. Good luck op.

Where has their money gone?

I’ve wondered the same thing myself. I have absolutely no idea.

I'm shocked at the price you've said. Just wasteful. They can buy a flat and top up with a small mortgage if necessary - you can get a mortgage until you're 70 sometimes higher. Why should you fund this when you're not sorted yourself. It's not like you'd benefit eventually, you won't. If your DH were to agree to it they're better off staying in the house they're in now and he keeps his name on it for his 50%. They had 20 years to save and sort themselves out. If they'd had a run of ill health or bad luck I'd consider not selling for a further period but they've not, they've just been feckless.

He cannot give them that money. The house must be sold so you and your children have a permanent home. You've waited long enough. £60k is life-changing. It's a fantastic deposit.

So 110K for the 10 years they get before they have to buy a new park home under the site rules.

Are there monthly running costs for these things too?

Yes, as well as utilities, council tax, etc there’s a pitch fee to pay as you only own the structure, not the land it sits on. From what we can find that would be somewhere in the region of £150-200 a month at the moment and can be increased once a year at the whim of the park owner.

Bottom line is, if they are the kind of people who would put their own selfish needs before their own child and grandchildren, then they are the kind of people who don't deserve to have any special favours done for them such as a gift of 60K, which is what this amounts to. The money is yours, for you both and your children. End of.

Is there something deeper here. Who left the house to them? Is there a reason they would see rhe money as rightfully theirs? It's not, but I suspect they, or one of them, think the money should be theirs.

What property could they buy for £60k in their area?

They haven’t said in as many words that they think it should be their money, but I expect you’re right. However, given that this was agreed 20 years ago and the last owner of the house passed away (making it official) less than 2 years ago, I feel they had plenty of time to address that fact with the owner themselves. They’ve never voiced any kind of opposition until now when it’s come to actually handing over DH’s half.

For their half they could buy a one bedroom flat in a retirement community, buy a 50% shared ownership in a 2 bedroom bungalow and pay very little rent on the rest, or, if they are set on the park home idea, they can buy a used one with the same number and size of rooms as the new one they were considering. If us taking all of the money would leave them with no options then of course, I would want to help, but they have a number of options available, just not necessarily the ones they want to have.

so I will have no qualms with a) making sure they understand that our position is a firm no and b) upsetting them if necessary.

What a star - you need to do this for your DCs. Your DH is incapable - so you need to step in. It is totally wrong what they are suggesting and if they have sat on your DH money for 20 years then they are shocking.

If your dh denies his children stability and a home of their own, and possible future inheritence to leave them, for the sake of pleasing his parents, then I, too would leave him. - this happened to me - my DH's personal discomfort of claiming his ("our" as we are married) inheritance was bigger than the real needs of our children. He was ridiculously stubborn and we separated over this - I told him that 50% of this inheritance would be mine if we divorced and I would claim it either directly or from his part of our settlement to use it for our children.

Just because he is wrong headed / weak / selfish - your children don't need to miss out - so well done on stepping up. Hope that you get a secure home for your children soon

You will have to present a strong, united front tomorrow, because I can't see these two suddenly realising how unreasonable they are.

Thinking back to them talking your DH out of getting a mortgage, and trying to get him to move home - that is bizarre. I presume they wanted to keep tabs (and mitts) on his money. They clearly feel that they somehow own your DH, and what he has, and they should be his first priority. Sadly I don't see them changing - your DH will have to change his attitude to them.

There are people with similar character traits everywhere - the work colleagues who expect to be paid for/driven everywhere, the relatives who demand expensive presents and never reciprocate. In their world, they are genuinely the most important person, around which everything else revolves, and struggle with the notion that others don't agree. Your husband has the misfortune to have two such individuals as parents. They aren't going to have an Epiphany, and suddenly think, "OH, no, that's wrong of me, so selfish!". You'll be a long time waiting for that.

They have enough for a home, so they won't be on the streets.

You and DH have to put your kids first (something they fail to do) and build a future for them.
And get on Rightmove now and pick a house to buy for yourselves!

Id seek legal advice on what is the best way to ensure your dh gets what is his. Is the half and half agreement that was made in writing? I hope it is for his sake

I hope that they’ve spent even half an hour in a park home over the winter and thought how much it would cost to heat. If they were a good investment they’d be a lot more popular

They should have been paying rent to DH for his half of the house all these years.

CFs.