Money causing family tensions

[RollUpTheHosepipe]

I hope this fits into Relationships, I’m not feeling brave enough for AIBU! Genuinely unsure if I’m in the wrong here or not. Have name changed and can’t give too much detail for fear of outing, but the gist is this...

I’ve been with DH for many years and in all that time there has been a long standing arrangement regarding a family property, in that when it was sold half would go to him, and half would go to his parents. This was the request of the original owners of the property, and the deeds of the house reflect half ownership.

The property is now being sold, and his parents have asked him for almost all of the money from his half in order to fund a property they want to buy. They would have enough money to buy something with their half, but it isn’t what they want, they want one that costs considerably more hence the request.

DH is in an absolute state because he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to be the reason that his parents are unhappy by saying no, but we have children of our own and the amount of money we’re talking about them taking would be totally life changing for us. We have suggested compromises where they take a lesser amount from DH’s half to give them more money to play with, but they don’t like those options either.

I have had a difficult relationship with my in laws in the past, and me and DH have had some ups and downs lately so I’m conscious of our relationship too, but I don’t understand putting your own wants above your child and your grandchildren, and it’s not something I would ever do unless I was utterly desperate, not just because I didn’t like the options available for the amount of money that I had.

Ive told DH that it’s his decision to make and he needs to do whatever he needs to do for his own peace of mind, and I will support him in that. Whatever happens won’t affect our relationship in any way, because it’s not him I’m mad at and we will be fine regardless of what happens. But, I can’t hide the fact that I’m livid with his parents for putting him in this position in the first place, and for asking him to give up so much when we could do so many things with the money ourselves. So I’ve told him that should this go ahead as they wish, I’ll do nothing to stop him and the kids seeing his parents as they wish, but I don’t want to see them for the foreseeable future because I can’t accept their behaviour and am too mad with them on behalf of DH.

Im not envisaging this to go on forever, but for now I just don’t want to face them. This isn’t helping DH who wants to find a solution to make everyone happy when there clearly isn’t one, but I don’t feel like a can lie about how I feel. Am I being grabby in expecting DH to be given what he’s owed? Am I being dramatic? Should I slap on a happy face and pretend for the sake of relations? I’ve gone over it so many times that I’m not sure what’s best so hoping some outside perspectives will help.

Suggest they look at schemes like Homewise if they feel they need a grander home than their share will supply.

It's a shit way to buy a house if you care about leaving money to family, but anyone who will consider a park home clearly doesn't care about inheritance! At least this way you both get your share.

www.homewise.co.uk

You are right, they are in no way fine with this decision and that is why they are getting you over there. Infact I would now cancel this meeting, its only an invitation after all and not a summons because no good will come of it. You could well simply watch your H clam up and otherwise cave in their presence because he is a mouse when it comes to them. He is far more afraid of them than he is would ever be of you here and still wants their approval, approval they will and infact have never given him. This is how such toxic people operate.

If you do go with him this morning prepare yourself in advance with some stock phrases along the lines already given as well as "this does not work for us" and repeat as necessary. Be prepared also to walk out early.

He needs to read Toxic Parents now and I would also suggest a therapist regarding the power and control relationship his parents continue to wield. You cannot keep playing and indeed should not play the role of dutiful supportive wife here because of your H's deeply rooted FOG when it comes to his parents. His own inertia too when it comes to them is simply hurting you people as well as him, time to stand firm and present a united front now. If he won't do it or can't do it (and I do not think he is at all strong enough to come out well from this) then you have to. This is your family unit here and that is worth defending.

Any amount offered however small, will be further manipulated to become a larger sum. The terms were clearly made initially by this other relative. Do not cave because of his parents selfish wants and for a bloody park home which will be worth zip at that. Your H's primary loyalty is to you people as the family unit he also created here, not his parents.

This is bad, very bad. If he doesn't put his foot down now and insist on his share of the property he won't see a penny. Sounds like their retirement planning hasn't been very good unfortunately. I suspect they can't afford a standard built property, but that really shouldn't be your problem and you certainly shouldn't lose out as a consequence.

You could turn tables on them

"You expect us to have to move house every few years on Landlords whim, move DC school, never be able to improve our standard of living due to high rents? Most parents are giving their DC money to help out not trying to deprive them of it"

Jesus. Just say no! You are living in rented and this money means a house for his kids! That’s way more important. I’d be telling him he says no to his parents, who don’t deserve or have a right to that cash, or I’ll be seeking solicitor advice about freezing all assets pending a divorce. Of course, you could be sneaky and tell him to tell his parents you’ve said you’ll divorce him if he does give it (without actually meaning it). You are already the bad guy anyway so might as well go the whole hog

If he is half-owner of the property, couldn't he just refuse to sell? Any possibility of you buying them out?

I'd also agreee the parents are behaving terribly, especially if this money means you can come out of rented accommodation.

He needs to explain to them that the money will go towards a home for you guys, and as such hed love to help but can't and ask for the conversation not to be broached again.

Buying someone out can be hideously expensive and I doubt very much his parents would ever agree to that course of action in any case. They simply want his share in order to buy a park home, this has been their plan all along.

His parents are behaving terribly and my guess too is that they have always been like this towards their son as well. This is not entirely new behaviour from them, this is a continuation of what they have always done. Small wonder therefore OP's husband is mired in fear, obligation and guilt.

You need to buy this book.

Good luck if you go and see them (I don't think you should, but that's by the by)
Stay strong, you are in the right!

he needs to have at the very forefront of his mind the reason that the original owner of the house made these arrangements and had the deeds drawn up.
presumably they were aware of the nature of those involved and wanted it water tight that your dh would get his share.
make sure he honours their memory and intent.

Stick to the original plan, half each.

My parents guilted me into signing over my endowment policy when it matured as an inheritance had meant I didn't need it to pay off my mortgage. Their stance was, that by me having a share of the inheritance meant they had received less than they would have done if I had received nothing. I fell for it as at the time I trusted their opinion and I signed the lot over. They treated themselves to new kitchen, bathroom, conservatory, holidays etc and I continued to live in my overdraft as a single parent on a part time wage.

It took me about ten years to wake up and realise how what they'd done was so very wrong. I could have done with someone like you pointing it out to me, mine and my son's life could have been so much different (easier, less stressful). Don't let him be like me. Two things that made me wake up was realising that the cash bequeathed to me was because that person wanted my life to be better, I was weak and failed to allow that to happen. Secondly, realising that I would never manipulate my child into giving me money, see him struggle while I lived the life of Riley. How can these people even think that that's okay?

If he thinks he will feel guilt at saying no to his parents, then I can tell you the guilt I feel for dragging my son through financial struggle when I didn't have to is worse.

I realise there are a lot of updates coming here but as I’m sure you understand, this is basically our only topic of conversation at the moment!

Regarding the owner’s intentions, DH has stated multiple times that “the intention wasn’t this, it was so that one of us could never kick the other out, it wasn’t a money thing” I asked him if at any point the original owners sat him down and said “Now, half the house is in your name but it isn’t really, what we want you to do is sign your half over to your parents when they ask” Obviously, he said no, so I expect this is a line that he’s been fed over the years to prepare him for this eventuality.

This absolutely isn’t the first instance of this kind of behaviour. Many moons ago, pre marriage and kids, we were intending to get a mortgage and buy a house, and they talked DH out of it. That actually led to us separating for a while. Later when we wanted to move in together again but due to the rise in house prices were only in a position to rent, they tried to talk him into staying at home with them for another 2 years and saving for a deposit. Those are the two major occasions, but really the list goes on and on.

We’ve talked this morning about more than just the money, about my fears that he’s going to change his mind when faced with them and leave me to be the bad guy, as in the past when it’s come to a decision between upsetting me or his parents he’s always chosen to upset me, and that whenever they’re all together I feel like he pulls away from me, they’re the family and I’m the outsider. I’ve also tried to explain that this isn’t a normal family dynamic and next to no parents would behave this way, and he’s admitted that he doesn’t know what normal is because this is all he knows. This is the first time I’ve really got all this off my chest, and he’s upset that, however unwittingly, he’s made me feel this way over the years and has resolved to stand with me on this one and in the future.

We are going to visit them tomorrow because I don’t think it’s something we can avoid forever, and if things do come to a head maybe that’s the way it needs to be for things to move forward. I hope that DH will make good on the promises he’s made this morning but, if he can’t, I’m fully prepared to take up the fight myself because the right thing needs to happen here, thank you to all of you for showing me that.

As an aside, I’m utterly drained by this point and just want it to all be over, but I must admit it’s doing wonders for my diet!

I actually think its because they dont want you to have access to any of it.

Stay strong op and use today to help DH come up with some phrases in the very likely event his parents start guilt tripping him. Ask him if he would do this to his kids? No? Then why is he putting up with it? Maybe try to get him to focus on your children and their needs, that might give him the strength to stand up to his parents. Maybe the thought that it’s for his kids and not him might help him. However, be fully prepared to be the bad guy and do it, there’s too much at stake here for your family. Wishing you well tomorrow.

OP, there have been many threads with regards to inheritance. Some where parents or relatives haven’t even passed away and yet people create threads talking about their families and what amount they should/would/will get and yes some of them are grabby but I think I speak on behalf of mumsnet when I say, please please you be entitled to be grabby here!!!
Hang on to that inheritance because it belongs to YOUR family. It’s not just your DH’s!

How your dh can even consider not putting a permanent roof over his familys' (you and dc) head is beyond me. YOU are his family now. His parents are not left penniless.

Much as they make you feel uncomfortable, I don't think your DH should visit them on his own until the money is in your bank.

Anyone who has had parents like this and come out the other end knows that the next step is escalation, preferably to world war standards, to make your DH get back in the box they made for him.

Tell him from me that the guilt is utterly crippling, but still worth it once you know what freedom feels like.

Grabby CFs!!!! You could preserve your future inheritance with a formal legal agreement... but that would still mean you can't get on the property ladder. Take half each- as was intended - and you all get on the property ladder.

They are totally taking the piss
The fact they've made no provision for leaving that house is not your dh problem

No you need to take that money. You are renting and his parents would see his son struggle and take the money that would mean him and their grandchildren would be more secure.
Unbelievable. And for a park home. I assume that's like a static caravan. What other income do they have for the yearly fees etc

Sounds as though they don't like you much anyway, so you have nothing to lose in being blunt with them. I sympathise as I'm also married to an only child who lives in a constant state of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) where his parents are concerned. So they spent their 40's and 50's living rent free and didn't make any contingency plans for when the house was sold? Well more fool them. Your family shouldn't suffer as a result of their financial incompetence. Perhaps suggest putting all the money into a place with a granny annex for them to live in? just joking!

FishingIsNotASport that would solve everyone’s problems quite nicely since I’d last about 3 weeks before running screaming into the night never to be seen again

MrsBertBibby thank you for the link, I’ve never heard of Homewise before but it looks like a workable option, if we can convince them that a brick and mortar home is better for them than what they have their hearts set on.

NoraButty I’m sorry that happened to you. Like you, we’d carry on well enough without the money but the difference having it would make to our lives would be astronomical, I’m desperate to avoid DH coming to a realisation like yours too late, but it seems like he’s starting to come round.

Both PIL have work pensions alongside the standard benefits, I don’t know how much for but at the moment they live a nice lifestyle so I’m assuming it’s not a pittance and would be enough to cover the ground rates etc if they do go ahead with this plan. We’re going to lay out our concerns with that tomorrow, but at the end of the day that’s their mistake to make if they want to, my priority now is making sure that none of DH’s money is ploughed into it, and making it clear that we won’t be a backup retirement plan if it all goes wrong and they lose the money they put in.

DH has stated multiple times that “the intention wasn’t this, it was so that one of us could never kick the other out, it wasn’t a money thing”

Really, and does that "original intention" actually come direct from the former owners' lips, or from DH's parents

I assume it was DH's Grandparents/Aunt/Uncles house, or at least somebody who was close to the family and knew them very well. Strange isn't it, that they decided to split the ownership rather than leave it directly to your ILS. Here we have a couple who constantly pressurise their child, have lived rent/mortgage free since their 40's (but haven't saved) and want to buy a Park Home! What selfless financial planning - I can't imagine why they weren't given the house outright!!

The original owner of the house clearly knew that DH's parents were a pair of selfish, feckless, irresponsible fools, and wanted to protect the inheritance. He MUST follow their wishes and protect his own family. Ask him if he can imagine doing this to your children - why not, if he thinks he should accept it from his parents? Why do they have the right to make such awful, selfish demands? Why doesn't he (and his family ) matter? Why should his parents wishes trump your children's right to a home?