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Original poster

Money causing family tensions

392 replies

RollUpTheHosepipe · 27/07/2018 18:30

I hope this fits into Relationships, I’m not feeling brave enough for AIBU! Genuinely unsure if I’m in the wrong here or not. Have name changed and can’t give too much detail for fear of outing, but the gist is this...

I’ve been with DH for many years and in all that time there has been a long standing arrangement regarding a family property, in that when it was sold half would go to him, and half would go to his parents. This was the request of the original owners of the property, and the deeds of the house reflect half ownership.

The property is now being sold, and his parents have asked him for almost all of the money from his half in order to fund a property they want to buy. They would have enough money to buy something with their half, but it isn’t what they want, they want one that costs considerably more hence the request.

DH is in an absolute state because he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to be the reason that his parents are unhappy by saying no, but we have children of our own and the amount of money we’re talking about them taking would be totally life changing for us. We have suggested compromises where they take a lesser amount from DH’s half to give them more money to play with, but they don’t like those options either.

I have had a difficult relationship with my in laws in the past, and me and DH have had some ups and downs lately so I’m conscious of our relationship too, but I don’t understand putting your own wants above your child and your grandchildren, and it’s not something I would ever do unless I was utterly desperate, not just because I didn’t like the options available for the amount of money that I had.

Ive told DH that it’s his decision to make and he needs to do whatever he needs to do for his own peace of mind, and I will support him in that. Whatever happens won’t affect our relationship in any way, because it’s not him I’m mad at and we will be fine regardless of what happens. But, I can’t hide the fact that I’m livid with his parents for putting him in this position in the first place, and for asking him to give up so much when we could do so many things with the money ourselves. So I’ve told him that should this go ahead as they wish, I’ll do nothing to stop him and the kids seeing his parents as they wish, but I don’t want to see them for the foreseeable future because I can’t accept their behaviour and am too mad with them on behalf of DH.

Im not envisaging this to go on forever, but for now I just don’t want to face them. This isn’t helping DH who wants to find a solution to make everyone happy when there clearly isn’t one, but I don’t feel like a can lie about how I feel. Am I being grabby in expecting DH to be given what he’s owed? Am I being dramatic? Should I slap on a happy face and pretend for the sake of relations? I’ve gone over it so many times that I’m not sure what’s best so hoping some outside perspectives will help.

OP posts:
Original poster
RollUpTheHosepipe · 27/07/2018 19:27

It wouldn’t be for them to holiday, at the moment they are living in the joint owned property and this would be for them to live in year round as their only home.

OP posts:
Lonesurvivor · 27/07/2018 19:30

Whomever left the original house did so between your dh and his parents decided how they wanted to bequeath their estate. It's not up to anyone else to change how the estate was left and doing so takes away someone else's wishes and is really really disrespectful to that person.
It's disgusting that the parents would try and take away their sons inheritance. I can't get my head around that.
Your dh needs to respect the arrangement that was originally put in place by someone who had his interests at heart. He needs to stay loyal to that person and his own family and not allow his parents to do this.

Ihatemycar · 27/07/2018 19:30

RandomMess you are spot on. I'll would say make me the bad guy and don't give them your half.
Supper selfish in laws. What a crappy thing to do.
So their needs and wants come first?
Are they making restitution? Or just we wanted we'll have it. Angry

Figmentofimagination · 27/07/2018 19:31

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I always believed you couldn't live in a park home all year round. If they bought a park home they would have to move into other rented accommodation/ holiday let for a month or two. I think it's something to do with paying council tax.

madja · 27/07/2018 19:32

That's a no from me too. How awful of them to ask!
We had a similar situation where a sum was left to pil, but the person who left it asked a the end of it could be split between DH and bil. Unfortunately she didn't have chance or think it was necessary to put in writing and make it formal.
They didn't. Pil took the lot and spent it on a second home in a European country. It's now worth peanuts, and will be more hassle than its worth to try and sell it when anything happens to them.
They didn't ask us, they informed us they had invested the money in property for us.
The money would have been life changing for us also, and it was devastating to find out what they had done (nan promised the money to the boys, they were well aware it was supposed to be theirs)
Things have never been the same since, as they still think what they did was fine. They are pretty wealthy already, and I don't think they had a clue how much that money would have helped us.
I still can't really get past it.
So I would tell your DH to just tell them no.

Original poster
RollUpTheHosepipe · 27/07/2018 19:56

madja I’m sorry that happened to you, I can’t imagine how betrayed you must have felt.

Thank you everyone for at least stopping me from doubting myself and thinking that I’m being unreasonable! How much good it does remains to be seen, especially as the conversations seem to keep happening Me>DH>PIL and vice versa rather than us all sitting down together which is pretty frustrating.

OP posts:
WonderfullySunny · 27/07/2018 19:56

OP there are a lot of threads on here about people buying park homes for retirement and it going really really wrong. There's no way your DH would get his money back :(

Highlights were:

  • Can't be lived in year round so have to move out for a one month minimum
  • Park/maintenance fees going up every year to extortionate levels
  • Dramatic depreciation of the home itself (often only being useable for 10-15years due to construction quality)
  • Restrictive access as they're often put on raised plinths so any mobility issues would present a problem
  • Bloody freezing in winter

I'll see if I can find them and will link!

RandomMess · 27/07/2018 20:00

No no no no to a park Home no way! Can you look into shared ownership for them? If they are on a low income they will likely get housing benefit towards the rent element etc.

Original poster
RollUpTheHosepipe · 27/07/2018 20:07

We’ve suggested some shared ownership properties and showed them links to property websites, with their half of the money they could get a proper brick bungalow and pay minimal rent. They don’t like them so that seems to have been the end of that conversation.

OP posts:
WonderfullySunny · 27/07/2018 20:13

Have found a few links on park homes (hope they work!), perhaps one to show DH so if they are set on a park Home they can buy one with their own money only and not lose yours as well!

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3205625-To-think-my-parents-are-making-a-mistake

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/property/3073725-Life-in-a-Park-Home-Nice-or-not

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/property/2553880-Park-homes-why-wouldnt-I-buy-one

WoodenCat · 27/07/2018 20:14

But how ridiculous that there is now some sort of need to talk and find a compromise. There is no ‘compromise’ needed, it is already sorted in terms of the original deed. Only because someone else decided they were entitled to more than their share (grabby much) have the goalposts magically shifted.

RandomMess · 27/07/2018 20:16

Aw well dent them having the choice!

Why are you worried about being labelled the bad guy?

Fishface77 · 27/07/2018 20:20

Op is the property already in DHs name? If so it’s half yours isn’t it? As a marital property (someone legal should be able to help).
Put your kids first. Say no. Who gives a shit what they say? I mean obviously DH does but could he look his kids in the eye when they are older and tell them he gave their inheritance to their grandparents knowing they’d piss it away?

Fishface77 · 27/07/2018 20:21

And I would stop the endless discussions and just say we need the money for our kids so you can’t have it.

madja · 27/07/2018 20:21

^ Absolutely this. There shouldn't be any need for compromise. They may not like the other options, but really you don't need to solve it for them. It's their problem to solve.
I've just seen a wonderful new house, but I can't afford it, so I'm buying the one I can.
You would think by their age, the would understand you have to live within your means.

Longdistance · 27/07/2018 20:22

Those park homes depreciate in value so quickly. Even if they’re living in it, in 10 years time it’ll be worthless. We’ve looked into them as a holiday home option, and seen how the price would drop.

Your dh has to say no, as that money will help his family. Sod the in laws.

plire · 27/07/2018 20:22

Just one more vote against park homes. I'm an OT and they're horrible things.

You can't put good grab rails and adaptations etc in safely. They've always got massive steep access steps.

For anyone getting older they're so bloody hazardous. Hot in summer, cold in winter.

That's the majority btw. I imagine there are some that are lovely!

Original poster
RollUpTheHosepipe · 27/07/2018 20:27

This is going beyond the realm of this issue but all I can basically do in this situation is tell DH what I think for him to do with as he will. I’m not really seen as a member of the family for the purposes of discussions like this, that’s between them. As I said, my relationship with PIL has never been great and I think I’ll always be an outsider. And even if I stamp my foot and say tell them no, DH will still be so worried about upsetting anyone that he’ll try to find a way to make everyone happy, even though it’s clear that way doesn’t exist.

OP posts:
freetoagoodhome · 27/07/2018 20:27

You don’t have to come up with explanations, reasons, compromises, etc! This is your DP’s money. He can take out the back garden and have a bonfire with it if he so wishes. Let them crack on with their park home, or whatever, but don’t be paying a penny towards it or anything else. Tell them “no, we will be spending our share of the money within our family” - end of discussion.

BuggeringNora · 27/07/2018 20:27

Oh OP, you have my sympathy. We had a similar situation many years ago. Won't go into detail, but DH is the world's biggest people pleaser, and I'm afraid he completely rolled over, "for the sake of good family relations". More than two decades have passed and I still feel absolutely murderous if I allow myself to think too much about it.

gamerchick · 27/07/2018 20:34

OP help your bloke find out the nitty gritty of their plans and tell him that maybe he needs to save them from himself or they'll end up moving in for months out of the year.

Seriously, it's a life changing amount that could set your family up. Help him stand strong.

BigPinkBall · 27/07/2018 20:45

Would he give them his salary too if they wanted it? I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous, I can’t afford what I want so I’m going to take your money to pay for it!?!

I can only imagine this is one of those situations where the people within it are so brainwashed that they think it’s normal when everyone on the outside looking in is thinking WHAT THE HELL????

I’m afraid there can be no compromises or politeness about it, it needs to be a hard “no, I need my share of the money” no explanations and no excuses necessary.

BTW if my DH did anything other than laugh in their faces I’d be seriously considering leaving him.

madja · 27/07/2018 20:52

I must admit if my DH took this decision without me, we would not be on good terms at all.
I know you say you feel like an outsider but you are not. You are his wife and family now whether they like it or not. The money should be for your family, DH, you and your kids. Not for someone to spend poorly without you having a say.

Time40 · 27/07/2018 20:58

I’m not really seen as a member of the family for the purposes of discussions like this, that’s between them

You may not be seen by them as a member of the family, OP, but you very much ARE one. I think you need to get mad. Make your feelings crystal clear. Tell your DH that you will be extremely angry if he gives in to their emotional blackmail - and if I were you, I would tell your inlaws that it's not on, and if they accept this money from your DH you will never speak to them again.

freetoagoodhome · 27/07/2018 21:04

“I’m not really seen as a member of the family”

You are a founding member of the family that you and your DH have made, and that family is the one which takes priority here. They are the outsiders in this situation.