Money causing family tensions

[RollUpTheHosepipe]

I hope this fits into Relationships, I’m not feeling brave enough for AIBU! Genuinely unsure if I’m in the wrong here or not. Have name changed and can’t give too much detail for fear of outing, but the gist is this...

I’ve been with DH for many years and in all that time there has been a long standing arrangement regarding a family property, in that when it was sold half would go to him, and half would go to his parents. This was the request of the original owners of the property, and the deeds of the house reflect half ownership.

The property is now being sold, and his parents have asked him for almost all of the money from his half in order to fund a property they want to buy. They would have enough money to buy something with their half, but it isn’t what they want, they want one that costs considerably more hence the request.

DH is in an absolute state because he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to be the reason that his parents are unhappy by saying no, but we have children of our own and the amount of money we’re talking about them taking would be totally life changing for us. We have suggested compromises where they take a lesser amount from DH’s half to give them more money to play with, but they don’t like those options either.

I have had a difficult relationship with my in laws in the past, and me and DH have had some ups and downs lately so I’m conscious of our relationship too, but I don’t understand putting your own wants above your child and your grandchildren, and it’s not something I would ever do unless I was utterly desperate, not just because I didn’t like the options available for the amount of money that I had.

Ive told DH that it’s his decision to make and he needs to do whatever he needs to do for his own peace of mind, and I will support him in that. Whatever happens won’t affect our relationship in any way, because it’s not him I’m mad at and we will be fine regardless of what happens. But, I can’t hide the fact that I’m livid with his parents for putting him in this position in the first place, and for asking him to give up so much when we could do so many things with the money ourselves. So I’ve told him that should this go ahead as they wish, I’ll do nothing to stop him and the kids seeing his parents as they wish, but I don’t want to see them for the foreseeable future because I can’t accept their behaviour and am too mad with them on behalf of DH.

Im not envisaging this to go on forever, but for now I just don’t want to face them. This isn’t helping DH who wants to find a solution to make everyone happy when there clearly isn’t one, but I don’t feel like a can lie about how I feel. Am I being grabby in expecting DH to be given what he’s owed? Am I being dramatic? Should I slap on a happy face and pretend for the sake of relations? I’ve gone over it so many times that I’m not sure what’s best so hoping some outside perspectives will help.

What exactly is the impact op from you having 50k v 60k?

As said, you've done a complete u turn, you started with this is his decision and I will support even if he gives them it all, I won't end my marriage over money... to ten grand isn't good enough and I want it all. Every single penny and anything else isn't good enough.

It may have been that was always your position, you were never ever going to support him and were bullshitting him and us at the start, you wanted it all and you wanted him to tell them they got nothing, or you've done a complete 180 and even compromise isn't enough for you now.

I simply can't understand how you can do such a 180 in such a short period of time, have no compassion at all for this being his parents, and wish to give this man no leeway. Because that's where you were op. I wouldn't even call you "wilful" I think you're being too nice on yourself. You were towing a hard marriage ending line, and seem to be moving a little bit back again.

As said, this is your marriage, you do to it what you need to, and as much as I didn't get on with my inlaws, I would have supported my husband in this comprimise, because for me it would be about him, not them.

I have stated throughout that I have no intention of ending my marriage here and now over this, and indeed am taking steps to try and rectify any damage done. People are entitled to reflect on their feelings, as I have done, and change their position. Yes, I said I would support my husband in his decision, and that would have been a terrible move as, had he complied with the original request, the resentment would have ended up being huge, I'm sure. I should not have said that without first thinking of the consequences, but my knee jerk reaction was to try and minimise the impact on my husband. I've never once told him that I would be happy with that, my feelings on the subject have been clear from the start.

I have agreed to the compromise, but the fact that this issue has brought up deeper feelings on both sides (both of which are valid) needs to be addressed, which is what we're trying to do. Just as my husband is entitled to make his own decisions, I'm entitled to say that those decisions will have an impact on our relationship that I would like us to sort out together. I think taking the alternative path of swallowing my feelings would be more destructive for us in the long term.

If you think that the way I'm dealing with this is wrong, that's your opinion which you are entitled to, of course. I just feel that this isn't as simple an issue as "one person is in the wrong" and that's something that should be addressed.

Well I think counselling is a great idea anyway.

I'm totally not saying it's wrong, don't be so defensive. I'm stating take a step back and look where you are. No one is disagreeing with coucilling.

What i am saying is that you have changed your position totally and that may be because your marriage is indeed in a lot of trouble and the resentment of his previous prioritisation of his parents has become too much for you, so nothing short of giving them not a penny will make you happy. I just don't want you to be egged on by folks on here to do something you wouldn't otherwise have done. He has reached a compromise hugely in your favour.

At some point you need to consider his feelings. Because right now you're only focusing on yours and seemed set to crucify him. I get you're pulling back from this now, but all I'm saying is take a step back before you end up doing something you'll deeply regret because people egged you on and you got too caught up in it you forgot to see the bigger picture.

Bluntness you seem to be almost wilfully missing the main point here.

It's not the 50k v 60k or what each party walks away with, it's the fact that the op has to deal with the underlying issues of how her dh deals with his dps.

If she doesn't draw a line in the sand now, it will get worse and worse as the marriage goes on. Surely you can understand that as more and more stuff has bubbled up to the surface, it's become harder and harder for the op to show unquestioning support for a course of action that she (rightly imo) doesn't agree with.

Is this from an executer? If so , the stipulations of the will need to be honoured surely?

I'm not missing the point at all. I am taking issue with posters like you saying she now needs to draw a hard line in the sand over how he deals with the parents, and catostrphising that it's going to get worse and worse. He's reached a compromise, she's hammered him on how she feels and made it abundantly clear.

Will you only be happy when her marriage is over? Because that's where you're going with the no compromise stand.

This is someone's life, not eastenders.

The OP has listened to others, sought professional opinion, researched and educated yourself - so of course this will update, inform and change her opinion - why would she bother posting here in the first place if she didn't want clarity....isn't that the beauty of MN - to crowd source opinions and resources and apply them sensibly to your specific situation?

Exactly another .

Bluntness you are missing the point. You talk about the pp totally changing her position on this whole situation, but can you not see that this has been caused by more and more issues coming to the surface as the op tries to deal with all the underlying problems in these relationships.

I certainly don't want the op to throw her marriage away but:

1. she sounds far too sensible to react hastily and

2. She needs to try to get to the root cause of all these problems i.e. how the pils deal with her dh, and how he reacts to them.

If she doesn't sort this now, she really will be creating serious problems for the future.

Agree to an extent with bluntness. However this thread has demonstrated the sacrifices women must make in their marriages to maintain the status qou and stability for their children. MUCH of men's behaviour goes largely unchallenged or women must step down because escalation will lead nowhere except back to the husband having his own way eventually and by default.
No criticism of the op and i hope it works well. But i would be unable to respect, love and support soneone who put his parents above his children, and who was defensive about it. I would leave. Thats not eastenders, its refusing to let your children lose out on a stable home because theor father doesnt care enough.
Like i said it is a hard situation, he has been treated like that for years. But my take on it is above and no bloke would come above my kids. I would fight for a quarter and buy them a home. But then i couldnt adore someone when it came to that level.

I really don't see why I'm being attacked. Because i asked her to take a step back?

As said, this is as far as I can see a real person, with a real problem. She has changed her opinion based on the posts on here. She is likely in the process of doing irretrievable damage to her marriage, if it's not yet done, from a starting position of it's not my husband I'm mad at its them, and we will be fine either way.

It may have gone too far already, it may be that her marriage was already on the rocks and this was the final straw and she's right to take this hard nosed position. I don't know, you don't know, but asking her to take a step back from the posters baying for the usual blood, consider his feelings, consider the bigger picture, consider his compromise is sound advice before this goes any further.

Do you not see Bluntness that it's not "the compromise" that's the problem?

The problem is that the op has realised that the whole relationship needs looking at because of the way that her dh deals with his dps? She cannot just ignore this.

I am not baying for blood. I'm saying that there is a massive underlying issue here.

I doubt also if she has changed her opinion that much based on the posts here. I expect that the changes have mostly been caused by the op taking time to really look at the relationships in detail.

Yes, I absolutely can see that based on discussions on this thread she has moved from a position of i love him and our relationship won't be impacted in any way, to my marriage is in serious trouble, even with a comprise hugely in my favour.

I've also no doubt it also now Is in serious trouble.

That's my point.

OPs feelings on her marriage have been clear from the beginning.

The sad fact here is that if OPs DH was not so mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt stemming from his parents ongoing abusive treatment of him, OP would not have had any need to post about this whole matter in the first instance. Her feelings are perfectly valid too.

All his parents care about are their own selves; they are using their son and he is still seeking their approval even now; approval that they will never give him. His own inertia as well here is simply hurting him as well as his own family unit. He sadly does not realise that re his own self and if anything as well he is still not wanting to properly face his wife's feelings on the matter. He cannot or equally will not deal with his parents and that may never change because he may never be able to free himself of the fear, obligation and guilt.

I sincerely hope that he will get some therapy re his dysfunctional relationship with his parents and I read earlier that counselling will happen. I also sadly think that there will be no compromise that is at all acceptable to his parents; they want their son's whole share and no less.

The marriage may be in trouble, Bluntness (although I hope not) but if it is, the trouble will have been caused by the behaviour of the dh and his dps, not by the fact that the op has looked carefully at the relationship and sought opinions.

She shouldn't overreact, of course, but burying her head in the sand would be a disaster here.

Agree, I'm just asking her to take a step back and look at this clearly. She's been egged on by a lot of people. And the about turn is quite startling.

She has not buried her head in the sand, not by a long way. and he has comprimised, he's going to tell them, with her present, max ten grand, that they will take a minimum of fifty grand. This seems reasonable to me.

People's feelings for their parents are very complex. He has undoubtedly put his family first, albeit belatedly deciding, as he was "in such a state" over what they were asking.

I don't think anyone is disputing his parents have behaved appallingly. I also think they won't accept the compromise and may chose to stay put rather than live somewhere they don't want to and have to pay a rent for.

It's very sad when families fall out over money like this, and it's all too common when inheritance raises its head.

You are again missing the point that this is not an "about turn". The fact is that when the op started to look at the situation in more detail she inevitably (imo) saw that they couldn't continue with these dysfunctional ways of conducting their family relationships. It's nothing at all to do with being egged on.

Cambionome, I'm not sure of why you're being aggressive towards me. There is nothing wrong with putting a word of caution in here, to make sure she is taking this someplace she wants to take it and I won't revert from that advice, no matter how aggressive you become.

You are misunderstanding me completely Bluntness. I am not being aggressive at all, I am just calmly reiterating my point which - for some reason - you are determined to mishear.

Bluntness thank you for your input. I find it extraordinary that you think it’s impossible for a person to change their opinion, given that in the space of a few days you’ve gone from vilifying my PIL, to implying that my DH is emotionally abusive, to making thinly veiled personal attacks on me. Perhaps you’d like to take some time to reflect on exactly which of us are to blame, then pop back and let me know what you come up with.

I’m sure that when you do return, there’ll be a hoard of people hoping to make your acquaintance, since you’re of the opinion that it’s perfectly reasonable (and indeed greedy not) to give someone thousands of pounds of your own money, with no hope of ever seeing it again, simply because they want it.

Meanwhile, DH and I have come to an arrangement that makes us both happy, and as far as we can tell is reasonable, which is that PIL can have the 10k, on the agreement that is to be repaid at a reasonable, affordable monthly amount over the next few years. An interest free loan, in effect. This way PIL get what they want now, and we get what we should have eventually. DH has said (without coercion from me) that if they refuse this, they are showing themselves to be unreasonable and he will have no problem telling them he wants his full share. Even so, we intend to go ahead with counselling as this episode has brought to light deeper issues which need to be dealt with.

I hope it works out. His parents sound toxic and selfish. It takes a lot to undo that and if he’s grown up with it then for him it will seem normal. To an extent I have the same relationship with my mum in that I want to please her. I make decisions around what I think will impress her or what she’ll approve of. It’s very hard to undo it but this effects all your family and especially your child. I hope he manages to keep to the agreement.

That's all sounding much more positive op. Good luck with counselling and I hope the talk with them this weekend goes ok. Don't be frightened off by some posters, use this to offload as much or as little as you need.

Are people reading Bluntness' posts with the same glasses as me? As far as I can tell they are sticking up for OP's decision to go for counselling etc and be softer on DH than she appeared to be at the outset. I honestly cannot see where they have said anything to receive all the vitriol. This is after all an open forum, and for once on a thread there has been little rudeness.
OP you sound a little like a child who has fallen out with someone at the park and comes home whinging about the argument. People have taken 'your side' and then you've made up, backed down, and come back to criticise people's input.
Some of us would leave our partners, others wouldn't. However posting for advice on MN is asking for every response on the spectrum. Some of them are very strong but that's par for the course.
I hope it works out well.

Rollupthehosepipe your plan sounds great, and how brilliant that you're both working together. Hopefully this episode will actually end up being good for everyone concerned, as it's giving the impetus to resolve some longstanding issues. This must be a hard realisation for both you and your dh, so it's normal to question things and - dare I say it - change your opinion, whatever random people on the Internet think. 🤣