Money causing family tensions

[RollUpTheHosepipe]

I hope this fits into Relationships, I’m not feeling brave enough for AIBU! Genuinely unsure if I’m in the wrong here or not. Have name changed and can’t give too much detail for fear of outing, but the gist is this...

I’ve been with DH for many years and in all that time there has been a long standing arrangement regarding a family property, in that when it was sold half would go to him, and half would go to his parents. This was the request of the original owners of the property, and the deeds of the house reflect half ownership.

The property is now being sold, and his parents have asked him for almost all of the money from his half in order to fund a property they want to buy. They would have enough money to buy something with their half, but it isn’t what they want, they want one that costs considerably more hence the request.

DH is in an absolute state because he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to be the reason that his parents are unhappy by saying no, but we have children of our own and the amount of money we’re talking about them taking would be totally life changing for us. We have suggested compromises where they take a lesser amount from DH’s half to give them more money to play with, but they don’t like those options either.

I have had a difficult relationship with my in laws in the past, and me and DH have had some ups and downs lately so I’m conscious of our relationship too, but I don’t understand putting your own wants above your child and your grandchildren, and it’s not something I would ever do unless I was utterly desperate, not just because I didn’t like the options available for the amount of money that I had.

Ive told DH that it’s his decision to make and he needs to do whatever he needs to do for his own peace of mind, and I will support him in that. Whatever happens won’t affect our relationship in any way, because it’s not him I’m mad at and we will be fine regardless of what happens. But, I can’t hide the fact that I’m livid with his parents for putting him in this position in the first place, and for asking him to give up so much when we could do so many things with the money ourselves. So I’ve told him that should this go ahead as they wish, I’ll do nothing to stop him and the kids seeing his parents as they wish, but I don’t want to see them for the foreseeable future because I can’t accept their behaviour and am too mad with them on behalf of DH.

Im not envisaging this to go on forever, but for now I just don’t want to face them. This isn’t helping DH who wants to find a solution to make everyone happy when there clearly isn’t one, but I don’t feel like a can lie about how I feel. Am I being grabby in expecting DH to be given what he’s owed? Am I being dramatic? Should I slap on a happy face and pretend for the sake of relations? I’ve gone over it so many times that I’m not sure what’s best so hoping some outside perspectives will help.

I have been following the thread OP, but there are some things I'm not clear on. May I ask some questions?

Was there ever a discussion between PIL and DH about when the property would be sold? What has prompted the sale now?

Had PIL not come up with this plan of buying a park home, what might have happened? Could PIL have stayed there another 20 years or however long? Was any thought given to that scenario, given your own plans to buy in two or three years?

If no discussion had been had about when the property would be sold, how was DH planning to broach the topic when you yourselves need to access the funds?

Thanks

Hi ChinkChink, of course you can ask questions

PIL have been saying for a few years that their plan was to sell the property when they both retired, so this is something that’s been expected. Their plan all along was to move into something smaller, but the park home wasn’t decided on until the last few months. DH has never told them that there’s an ‘expiry date’ on living in the house, the timing has been decided on by them. We were expecting the sale to come at some point in the next few years based on their plans, but weren’t in any rush to force them out.

Since we knew that their plans involved selling before we were going to be in a position to buy, the eventuality that they wouldn’t isn’t something that we’ve really discussed, to be perfectly honest. It has been vaguely mentioned a couple of times between us, but in more of a ‘we’ll cross that bridge if we come to it’ kind of way. I assume that if it had got to the point, we’d have a whole other issue to deal with which would still most likely have brought all these feelings to light.

OP, do you have a plan b for buying somewhere if they decide to stay put? I think this episode has shown how much effect they've had on your long-term stability, and how much they can still affect it. Would it be a good idea to push ahead with buying so that you are making your own stability and future totally separate from anything they might do?

Hi OP, how did your conversation with the inlaws go?
I hope you get to buy your own place soon....

Good luck OP, you are probably going to need it. I expect you won't see the £10k again. If they buy a park home, they may end up being made homeless or unable to pay the bills and they will expect you and DH to bail them out. Sorry to sound so bleak.

Sorry for abandoning for a few days, we’re in the middle of a million things here at the moment! (DH changing jobs, me starting to study alongside work and moving house as our current rental is being repossessed )

We had our first counselling session last week and it went better than I ever could have expected. I thought it would take DH a long while to fully commit to it and be honest (even though he was positive about attending, he’s never been through any kind of counselling before and is generally quite closed off emotionally) But, he was incredibly open from the off, and admitted things about his relationship with his parents that he never would have said if it was just us talking. He also said that having a third party with no dog in the race setting things out for him and asking the right questions was so useful in terms of him realising the decision he was being asked to make.

The visit with PIL was slightly less successful. There was anger, a lot of it. But DH dealt with it so well, and in fact the subject of lending the 10k didn’t come up. He’s decided that should they “need” it it can be something we consider, but only if they start looking into realistic housing options. So as far as they are concerned our position, from DH’s lips, is that we want our full share. This at least seems to have made the penny drop as they’re now looking into shared ownership and Homewise (many thanks to the PP who mentioned that to me!)

I highly doubt we’re out of the woods but, for now at least things seem to be moving in the right direction and, crucially, DH has realised for himself where his priorities lie and is committed to making sure that he follows through with it. We’re continuing with the counselling to help further, and (aside from both being stressed to the eyeballs by it all) our home is happy again and we’re on the same “side”

Oh and I’ve name changed and forgot to change back

There, that’s better, sorry! I know how annoying it is when you lose the highlighted OP posts.

Sounds like good progress!

So pleased for you! What a relief his parents are now looking at the safer options

Excellent, good update OP

It's really good that he's come to see that you should be dealing with this as a team and that your stance is not unreasonable. I fully expect him to face continuing pressure from his parents though because controlling people simply do not believe that they can lose control or that they are doing anything wrong.

Good result

That's an excellent result. And it's good they will now look into affordable housing.

It's shocking they were angry though. They've no right to be angry.

Sorry to be a Debbie downer, but how likely is it that they just decide to stay put? If DH isn't going to take legal action to try and force a sale or access his half in any way, you'd be pretty much over a barrel if they decided to do that, no?

Also I had no idea it was possible to spend 100k on a caravan!

Well done OP for tackling this in the best strategically supportive way for your DH, your DCs and your marriage.

You really have made a significant positive shift for your immediate family dynamics. Keep at the counselling for a good few months together if you can and it is often then recommended to do individual therapy after. His deep rooted enmeshed issues with his parents have been in place long before you were in his life and he needs to untangle this along.

Your DH has been brilliant seems to be moving out of the FOG with his comments about listening to an outsider to “hear it / see it”.

The IL anger is v predictable for these type of people - they would have used this tactic - threat of erupting / volatility - all his life, to control and manipulate him by keeping him walking on eggshells.

They will up the ante as this progresses as the don’t get what they want. But anticipate this by supporting your DH to be ready for it and to ride the storm. He will be very grateful to you for starting this process of freeing him from his parents.

I suspect that once they realise that they are not going to get their way they will be deliberately obstructive and just decide to stay where they are. I doubt there is much you could do here - maybe just accept that you are effectively already on the housing ladder and investing with the share in the property. But it is a real shame that you can’t give your DC security - sad that you have to move from your rental.
Maybe just take some legal advice to ensure that they can’t claim some sort of squatters / residency rights over your share due to the time they have lived there or that they can run up debt on the house which eats into your share. Might be worth doing a credit check on them and the property.

Don’t be surprised at anything they do - they are not good people.

OP I would look at putting a Charge on the property if they decide to stay put, this is what the mortgage companies do and it secures the debt. It would prevent them giving the lot to one of those equity release companies for example.