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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

999 replies

Lily007 · 10/07/2018 10:42

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

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Bluntness100 · 01/10/2018 22:21

Oh you'll be fine Lilly, you're prepared remember, and he will also be shitting it. And you'll soon get onto the matters at hand and forget the nerves.

Plus think of everything he's put you through and why you are doing this.

You'll be fine because you want to do this too bad and it's your opportunity, and you're ready for it. There is nothing to be nervous of round him, remember he's a kh. Think of him and her on holiday and get your anger back.

tootstastic · 01/10/2018 22:23

I know it will have been a shock Lily and you may not feel strong right now, but you are and you can spend the next week or so preparing for this next battle. You've come through so much, just think of this as another step towards your new life.

We're all in your corner, you can do this!

Thebluedog · 02/10/2018 09:38

You can do this Lily... you are super organised and know exactly what you want from this and have the paperwork to back it up

Oh and don’t forget the ‘have you put weight on’ whilst tilting your head on your way out Wink

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2018 10:12

Have you decided what to wear? Do you need your hair done? Looking fabulous in itself gives confidence, I know it's shallow, but if we feel we look good it can often help with how we portray ourselves to to others.

In addition remember he clearly doesn't want to do it either, he has delayed in responding and had his solicitor try to get you not to proceed with it. He pretty much has to do it or it will look bad to a court, so you've got him by the short and curlies here.

Remember he doesn't know you're shitting it. He will be thinking fuck me I can't believe she wants to do this. He thinks you want to.

In addition use the time wisely to prepare yourself mentally not to lose it or show anger, don't be calling her a dirty skank, or him a fat holidaying wanker or whatever mid mediation. You can say what you want when it's done, but prepare yourself to mentally bite your tongue in there or it will make you look bad and derail it.

The objective is to get the financial settlement agreed not turn it into a slanging match, because he may match you insult for insult, or simply leave mid mediation saying you became abusive.

So look good, be prepared, bite away any insults you find yourself thinking of, quietly go for the jugular,,,😁

letsdolunch321 · 02/10/2018 10:19

Keep the thoughts of what a selfish, horrible bastard he has been rubbing your nosein it/posting pics of what he has been doing on instagram etc in your mind. If a weak moment appears when you have to meet him think
Of these thoughts. Good luck 💐

Lily007 · 02/10/2018 11:55

Morning everyone.

Yes, I will prepare carefully and I am determined to be totally indifferent whilst letting him know this is purely a financial exercise.

I won’t even mention OW, I’m going to be clear I’m only interested in what’s best for me.

I will ensure I look the best I possibly can and I may even buy a new outfit. I know it sounds a little childish but OW wears really tacky clothes so I want to ooze class. I might buy myself a nice pair of trousers and a top or a dress from Hobbs 😚

I’m going to treat myself to new make up and I’ll make sure my hair is perfect.

The look I’m aiming for is understated 😉

I agree that he’ll probably be as nervous as me, if not more so. I’ll try my best to be cool and calm and then I’ll fall apart afterwards when I’m by myself 😭

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Bluntness100 · 02/10/2018 12:11

Yup go for elegant. Don't look like you've made too much effort though, and are being a bit try hard, Which a dress might do, but a lovely silky top, a good pair of tailored trousers, and good underwear ( read underwear which makes your body look good as opposed to lacey stuff) and shoes you're comfy in, but maybe with a small heel if you can. You don't want to be struggling to walk, holding your tummy in or feeling all sweaty. You want effortlessly chic.

What colour is your hair, and normal style? I don't usually like Boden, but got these two tops and they are lovely on. Good with trousers, and also if there is a chance you're going to sweat then something light and loose is a godsend.

www.boden.co.uk/en-gb/clearance/womens-tops-t-shirts/short-sleeved-tops/w0198/womens-gabriella-top

www.boden.co.uk/en-gb/womens-tops-t-shirts/short-sleeved-tops/w0032-nav/womens-navy-ravello-top

notsodimwit · 02/10/2018 14:19

lily x..instead of saying ‘have you put weight on’ whilst tilting your head on your way out ..just look him up and down and say 'Gosh you have put the beef on havent you!' and just laugh out loud!...petty I know but still!

PollyFlinderz · 02/10/2018 16:55

Did pass comment on any weight gain, real or imagined, as he May just turn round and say - yes, I’m putting it down to being content. Or something along those lines.

Lily007 · 02/10/2018 16:55

Thanks Bluntness. I like the tops particularly the sleeveless one. I’ve never bought Boden. What are the sizes like? I’m normally a size 12 but very occasionally a 14 depending on the brand.

I’m blonde with a shoulder length bob. My hair’s probably 3 to 4 inches longer now than when he left and, thankfully, is in good condition 😊

I think I’ll go for trousers and a top for a smart casual effect.

He’ll probably refuse to attend the face to face meeting after all this bloody planning 🙄

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Bluntness100 · 02/10/2018 17:17

It seems to depend. I would go 14. Im between sizes too. So I ordered both in navy, the sleeveless one is gorgeous but I'd say it is a little tight under the arms, so I've upsized to a 12 and ordered the blush as well as it's in the sale. They are great on in my defence and work with work trousers and jeans. 🤣

The short sleeved one was a little closer fitting that I'd have liked ideally on the tummy, but is still fine, so probably the 12 would have been better there too.

This was the first I'd ordered from them, so I was unsure also. Neither went back though,

The good thing about tops like this is they work under jackets and you don't look all bulked up. You can wear them for nights out or work.

Lily007 · 02/10/2018 17:28

Thanks for that. I think I’ll order the blush too 😘

I’ll get some black tapered trousers I think. I’ve seen some really nice ones on the Hobbs website 😊

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Bluntness100 · 02/10/2018 17:32

That's exactly what I was thinking! The blush will go with black trousers, or black jeans. Great minds,,,,🤣

I suspect it will also go with navy and dove grey. Although I have no grey trousers,,,it will also work with white in summer.

tootstastic · 03/10/2018 07:12

Like the tapered trousers Idea Lily and Bluntness' top ideas. That look would look great with a nice little pair of heels. You could get your hair done too. Understated and elegant...perfect for what you're trying to achieve.

I would just practise answering questions out loud to yourself, so that you get the business-like and professional tone just right. Do it to his photo if it helps, just do you're ready for the day and nothing will throw you. You'll just appear calm and collected.

I wonder if he'll avoid the face to face too, but be ready for it just in case. Let's hope he feels guilty as hell and he gives in to all your demands without a fight!!

Rememory · 04/10/2018 09:01

And as daft as it sounds Lily try the power pose before you go! Whatever gets you throughThanks

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2018 17:50

Evening , so I got my blush top today and think the ten fits better, so if you haven't ordered go for the 12. The twelve fits better in the arm holes but is quite big in the body,,,,

🤷‍♀️

Lily007 · 05/10/2018 19:07

Evening.

Well I’ve finally received his Acknowledgement of Service from the court. He’s admitted adultery and confirmed he received the petition at the skank’s address.

Not heard from the mediator as to whether he’s attended his MIAM as yet!

I’m going out tomorrow to John Lewis with my friend 😊. Going to do some clothes shopping and perhaps get some new make up. We’ll have lunch too so should be a nice day. I’ll have a look to see if they’ve got the Boden blush top Bluntness 🤞.

I’m in limbo at the moment waiting to see whether he’s willing to mediate but, if not, I’ll make an application to the court 🙄.

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Thebluedog · 05/10/2018 19:42

I’d err on the side of caution and presume he will go to mediation with you. That way you won’t convince yourself he won’t turn up, and be blind sided if he does.

Great idea about some retail therapy Grin

And do remember he’ll be shitting himself too. He’s going to have to go face to face with someone he cheated on after 25 years of marrige. Not only that, remember he really won’t know what to expect, he’s had radio silence since he left, you didn’t beg, play the ‘pick me dance’ or threaten the OW, as soon as he kicked off the legal process you’ve been rock solid and quick in your responses, you said he was intimidated by your intellect and of course he will know you’ve been in the legal trade. Chances are he’ll either be as nervous as you, or expect you to roll over as you’ve not kicked off since he left. But you’ll be ready, calm, prepared and look fucking amazing!

Lily007 · 05/10/2018 20:00

Aw thank you so much Thebluedog.

Just what I needed, a positive and encouraging post.

I’m sure he’ll be bricking it, he isn’t one for confrontation but he knows I am 😜.

I’m so much stronger now than when he left and I doubt he’ll be prepared for that.

All I’m interested in now is 💷💷💷😉

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AcrossthePond55 · 05/10/2018 20:30

This is an oldie but a goodie!

Have a dance across the living room floor

Lily007 · 05/10/2018 20:47

OMG AcrossthePond. That’s so ironic.

When I was engaged to my first husband (DS’s Dad), we split for a few weeks (1978) and he sent me that record in the post. Anytime there’s a family party we (me and XDH #1) always dance to it 😂😂😂.

You’ll have to think of another anthem for me and STBXH aka Knobhead 🤔

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Rememory · 05/10/2018 22:33
. How about this one ...
Lily007 · 05/10/2018 22:47

Rememory 👍👍👍😘

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Opportunitynox · 05/10/2018 23:18

Oh my word Lily, you are one amazing lady. I have so much respect for you. I hope that KH gets everything he deserves which, obviously, is not a lot x