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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

999 replies

Lily007 · 10/07/2018 10:42

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

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tootstastic · 10/07/2018 17:38

That was meant to say * isn't particularly unusual

tootstastic · 10/07/2018 17:40

Aargh no, I was right the first time! Sorry, I've not even been drinking Blush

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/07/2018 17:41

Maybe we should start drinking toots. Gin?

tootstastic · 10/07/2018 17:41

Ooh yes please zaph Gin

Cheers!

tootstastic · 10/07/2018 17:45

I'm just catching up on Poldark, a drink would be lovely whilst ogling the lovely Captain Poldark.

He would take your mind off things Lily!

Lizzie48 · 10/07/2018 17:49

Yes I know ASD is a syndrome and not a MH disorder. My DD1 (adopted, age 9) is being assessed, and is definitely on the spectrum somewhere.

It's just something I've seen a lot on Mumsnet, speculation about MH disorders, ASD, autism etc. It's far too serious an issue to glibly diagnose on a forum.

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/07/2018 18:04

Then Lizzie as the partner of a man who was undiagnosed for years and has only just had a diagnosis, can I suggest that you pop over here
karinfriedemann.blogspot.com/2009/12/aspergers-syndrome-wives-need.html?m=1
and find out what a relief it can be for those who havent considered ASD as an explanation for their partner's shitty behaviour, to have someone suggest that they might be on the spectrum?
Btw, i didn't diagnose Lilys X, just asked her if there were any other behaviours that might have led her to think that there could be more to his shitty behaviour.

butterbeansandbreadcrumbs · 10/07/2018 18:17

Agree with toots, even my Nan calls Poldark a "knee-trembler" Grin
Hope you're ok Lily Thanks

PixieN · 10/07/2018 18:24

Hi Lily, sorry you’re having a difficult time. It may not feel like it but you really have come such a long way Flowers & we’re all rooting for you. The comments about him (and men in general) compartmentalising made me think of this quote. I think it’s some kind of preservation strategy, but it’s very hurtful.

Starting over after 25 years - Part deux
bethy15 · 10/07/2018 18:24

Do you think it's time to tell all and sundry that you no longer want to know what the rat bastard and/or his fuck-mate are doing? At this point, you know what their SM is going to show, perhaps it's time that ignorance will truly be bliss.

If it were me, I'd tell them that I only want to know things that may directly impact me financially (i.e. talk about stopping paying expenses, moving money, huge purchases, court filings, etc). Or is there a way you can set up an email account specifically for friends to email the screen shots of SM? They can just sit there unseen.

This is what I was meaning.

It seems unhelpful to keep showing and then Lilly has to obsess over it, look at minute details on it and deal with how they're making her feel.

I think the people sending them are the ones being truly cruel. OK he's posting them, but he's blocked her, so she cannot see them. But the people who want the best for her are constantly texting or messaging the photos over. They were the ones who told him to stop posting them, yet they seem to be the ones constantly sending or describing the very same photos.
How they do it, I don't know, because I didn't think you could copy insta photos anyway, so I don't know how they do that.

Bluntness100 · 10/07/2018 18:30

Lilly didn't look for a long time and told everyone not to send her anything which she respected, she's only started finding out again as a way to immunise herself against it, and she discussed with her therapist.

Bluntness100 · 10/07/2018 18:30

Which they respected!

Lily007 · 10/07/2018 18:50

Hiya

Aw Zaph please don’t desert me, I wasn’t at all put out that you queried he may be on the spectrum.

Bluntness. You’re right that XH and OW’s posts are cruel. I think he is doing it deliberately as punishment for him being ostracised. Hopefully when he finally realises that I’m not going to react to anything he does to goad me, he’ll give up trying.

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Zaphodsotherhead · 10/07/2018 19:07

Not deserting you at all Lily! Dipping in and out today as I'm on a day off from the day job and on a deadline for the new book (has to be delivered in the next four weeks and I've left my characters up a cliff...)

Men be bastards, I think, is the message here. I write romance and sometimes Mumsnet is the worst possible place to be hanging out!

Lily007 · 10/07/2018 19:23

Ooh Zaph how exciting. I’d love to be a writer. I often think I could write but it’d be mostly plagiarism 🙈

I’ll leave you to get you characters down from the cliff 😉

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Lily007 · 10/07/2018 19:23

*your 🙄

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bethy15 · 10/07/2018 19:25

Yes Bluntness, and there's seeing one or two or the basics to not be socked when something happens.
But it seems every day it's about something new they posted. There's knowing, and then there's being immersed in THEIR life.

I also very much doubt a therapist would encourage looking on the OW's facebook page by Lily herself.

I still don't see it as helpful from friends/family to send them day by day, to me that does seem a little cruel. As I said, maybe occasional updates, but almost daily seems excessive. And it's clear it has a negative effect on the OP after seeing it.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2018 19:44

I agree with Bethy. If it were me, I'd have seen enough already to know the type of tripe they're posting. I wouldn't need to see more. I guess I look at it like a colonoscopy or pap smear. I know it's happening....I don't need to see it happening.

But it's up to Lily to decide what's right for her. Some people might be strengthened by seeing their shit show. Others would find it demoralizing and painful. If one is the latter, one is better off not seeing.

Bellalunagirl · 10/07/2018 19:58

I still don't see it as helpful from friends/family to send them day by day, to me that does seem a little cruel. As I said, maybe occasional updates, but almost daily seems excessive. And it's clear it has a negative effect on the OP after seeing it.

I have to agree with this. I'm also wondering if your friends are a little bit guilty of enjoying the drama a bit too much. Regular updates are not necessary and are just mentally cruel to you. Occasional updates that might let you know about his spending are great but the rest is just rubbing salt in your wounds.

I'm sorry to bring this up, but I do think there is a big elephant in the room regarding his children and how he's currently behaving. I know it's painful for you to think about but I suspect a lot of answers to your questions lies in the past.

Dard · 10/07/2018 20:02

I think with fb etc you don't want to look but do like looking at a car crash,it is self harming even when u see have downgraded and look ridiculous but when you have spent half your life with someone its hard not to want to know

Lily007 · 10/07/2018 20:13

🙄 I am NOT going to comment on XH’s DD’s I thought I’d made that quite clear.

I’m also not interested in every FB or IG post. As I’ve said he posts several times a day, I don’t know what 75% of the posts are about.

It’s 16 weeks since my husband of 23 years left me for another woman. I’m going to have shit days irrespective of what I discover via SM.

Thanks Dard 😘

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Lizzie48 · 10/07/2018 20:46

We know you don't want to discuss your XH's DDs, OP. But it does show that your XH has form for turning his back on relationships that were previously importance to him. Think about it, could you imagine being NC with your DS and DIL? Obviously not, because you have developed healthy relationships with them.

I suspect your DIL is right that he has narcissistic traits. That might well mean that he can never accept that he's the one in the wrong. So it would have to be his DDs who were in the wrong in the past, and now he wants to end the marriage, could it be the case that he has to find a way to make you the one who is in the wrong?

AgathaF · 10/07/2018 20:52

I think that the not looking at social media had stopped being helpful to you Lily, and you were then absolutely floored when you did find out something about them, so for that reason I think it's really good for you to desensitize yourself to him/them somewhat by looking (though not obsessively obviously) and hearing what people tell you. It seems less distressing than just wondering what's happening too.

Of course you are going to have shit days. Lots of them. You were married for a huge part of your life. You can't just sweep that under the carpet.

Lily007 · 10/07/2018 20:56

Jesus Lizzie. What don’t you get about me saying I’m not discussing XH’s DD’s?

I’m not going to respond to any posts referring to them either directly or indirectly!

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Lily007 · 10/07/2018 21:03

Thank you Agatha. A helpful and relevant post......at last!

That’s precisely what was happening. Even when I wasn’t aware of anything he posted on SM, I still had shitty days.

I’m not going out of my way to “stalk” him or OW on SM but I’m not hiding from their posts now. As you say my intention is to become desensitised.

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