Starting over after 25 years - Part deux

[Lily007]

Wow need to start a new thread.

The support I’ve had from all the posters has been amazing and very much appreciated and I hope will continue.

Great minds think alike toldmywrath 🌹

I think a lot of us are wondering how Lily is doing, and whether Part Trois is on the horizon.

I got a letter from his solicitor last week asking me when I intend applying for the decree nisi! I wrote back stating that I was as keen as he is for our divorce to be finalised but until he provides all his financial information I don’t intend applying for the nisi. Thing is, if I apply for the nisi but don’t apply for the absolute, he can make an application for the absolute. When he starts playing ball, I will too 😉

A court will not grant an absolute until you have a financial consent order in place. You don't need to worry about the above.

I'm not sure if that's true funicorn as when I was recently divorced I and my then H were both advised by our respective solicitors not to apply for the absolute until the consent order was final. That suggests it can happen otherwise why that advice.

Greek is correct. It is possible to be fully divorced without a financial settlement being resolved.

Hi everyone.

I’m doing okay on the whole. I got a letter from KH’s solicitor 2 weeks ago basically threatening to stop maintenance payments unless I agree to his terms. Luckily my solicitor friend is advising me and he drafted a letter which although sent from me, would leave KH’s solicitor in no doubt it was drafted by a lawyer! I’m currently awaiting a detailed expenditure schedule which will be interesting given I’ve gone through his bank statement meticulously and it’s apparent he’s spending thousands of pounds on socialising, holidays/weekends away, clothing etc.

He’s proposing to let me have all the equity in the house, but it’s not that much and considering I’m entitled to 50% in any case, him letting me have his 50% isn’t that great a deal. We have our second mediation session scheduled for later this month.

I’m at the stage now where I couldn’t give a shit what him and OW get up to BUT I’m not allowing him to crucify me financially. I know I’ll have to sell the house but then I’ll only be able to rent which will cost half my monthly salary.

I really worry about my future and how I’ll manage financially. His solicitor is also piling on the pressure for me to apply for the decree nisi. My solicitor friend has advised me to hold off at the moment. I have the horrible feeling he’s pushing for the divorce so he can marry OW! I know there’s nothing I can do about it and I shouldn’t let it bother me but that’s easier said than done.

I know I’ve said it a hundred times but I really can’t believe he’s the same man I lived with for 25 years.

I have a feeling I will need to continue to Part III, I think I’m going to need the support of everyone who’s helped me on these threads 😢

Thanks everyone for taking the time to check on me. It means a lot 😘

Good to hear from you Lily. Sounds as though you are powering on inspite of his pathetic machinations. You are still a Star!

Ah, i found you. I was just thinking about you the other day. Glad to hear Xmas and new year went better than expected and the girly meet ups sound fab.

I see he's up to his old tricks again.,,,sigh. She'd have to be daft to not be wondering what the hell shes got herself into.....

Is he offering any of his pension Lilly? Any monthly maintenance on top of the equity?

Well hello @MsPavlichenko and @Bluntness100.

He’s offering me a fairly meagre frozen pension but no offer of ongoing maintenance. He is though “allowing” me to keep the contents of the matrimonial home!!!! WTF!!!! I’ll have to get rid of half of it anyway as I’ll be moving from a 4 to a 2 bed house!

He’s got another 11 years to work whilst I only have 6. He earns roughly 4 times what I earn but he doesn’t feel I’m entitled to maintenance.

I have noticed though as soon as I threaten to make an application to court for financial relief, he seems to back off. I’m sure it’s because the Mediator confirmed to him that if I take that route OW’s income has to be declared. Can’t imagine her being too pleased about that.

I’ve come a long way since he left and mostly I’m feeling okay, I could just do without the financial worry but I don’t see why I should end up living hand to mouth when he’s clearly leading the same lifestyle but with OW as opposed to me!

Hmm, I'd probably just take it to court Lilly, he's threatening to cut payments, and his previous behaviour shows he is not shy at doing that, and if she has to declare her earnings, that's his problem, not yours.

Have you made a counter proposal yet?

So good to hear from you LiLy. What a massive help to you your friend is? Having someone on your side with that knowledgeable must be great. His advice is invaluable. Yes you have come a long way and I agree why should you have to worry about how you are going to manage financially. I am waiting for our house to sell so I can start a new life (husbands an alcoholic) I’ve lived with it for 32 years, I’m done. But, he’s letting me have the whole house sale, all the money from it and pay me a wage every week. I too was heartbroken but I’m like you now I don’t give a shit. I think I may have to get a part time job, but it’s like, how dare you just throw away all my hopes and dreams, who do they think they are!! Keep posting Lily🌹🌹

Lily could you not put put the money from the house as a deposit and buy somewhere new? Even if you can't afford much it will be better than renting

Yes. I think court is the way forward. It may be that he will make a better offer to avoid it .

So well rid.

Brilliant to hear from you again Lily and sorry kh, is being, well a kh. I was in a similar position when my exh got married. It felt really weird. Not hurt like I expected, just plain odd

No advice re legal stuff as it sounds like you’ve got that all covered.

Hope you have a good weekend

Aw I’m so chuffed at the continued support.

@sherrysfortea. Even having all the equity from the house wouldn’t be nearly enough to buy a smaller house and at 60 I’ve no chance of getting a mortgage.

Our first mediation session was 1 November 2018 and I provided all my documents on that day. It’s taken him until 16 January 2019 to provide his pension documentation and yet he’s then threatening to stop maintenance payments from February!

I can well imagine he won’t provide his schedule of expenditure which will leave me no option but to proceed via the court route.

He really is a knob! 🙈

Even having all the equity from the house wouldn’t be nearly enough to buy a smaller house and at 60 I’ve no chance of getting a mortgage

No but you can do shared ownership, my divorced friend, also sixty has just done this, she put fifty k down, everything she has and now has a much reduced rent, on a lovely one bed flat, it's new, and she can easily afford the small rent on her min wage job. And she has security that her landlord can't chuck her out...

You do have options Lilly,💐

Thanks @Bluntness. I’ll look into that 👍

What a shit he is. I'm so chuffing angry on your behalf. An absolute disgrace of a person.

You must fight for everything as he's shown he cannot ever be trusted again.

If you don’t have much equity in the house, chances are you’ll receive your share of his pension as shares, which can be used at retirement age. This can also be offset against a mortgage, as can certain benefits if you receive any. And as Blunt states, shared equity is a good idea and in lots of lively new builds these days

What a wealth of information MN’s provide, absolutely brilliant. I learn so much from you guys. Amazing support 🌺

Ah Lily - no surprise he's still a shit. On the other hand - no surprise you're your usual dignified, organised self and hopefully Bluntness has given you a possible solution 🙏🏻💐

Good to hear from you Lily, sorry you're encountering ongoing resistance from KH.

You might be surprised how much of the pension you'll be entitled to. It might be enough to buy a place outright.

Thanks everyone.

I’d be really happy if I was able to buy a property outright. It’d be such a weight off my mind. As I’ve said, to rent where anywhere in my neck of the woods would cost me at least half my monthly salary.

Unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be any shared ownership properties in my area but if I were able to buy a small house with the equity from my current house and his pension would be brilliant.

When he first left I was determined to stay in “our” house, but now I can’t wait to sell it and get something that’s just mine. I’ve already started clearing out, each weekend I sort through wardrobes and drawers. My next (huge) task is to clear the loft and then the shed. I don’t want to be moving stuff I don’t really need to another house. It’s quite therapeutic actually.

Last weekend I cleared a wardrobe in one of the spare bedrooms and found KH’s best overcoat which he’d obviously forgotten so I put it in a bag and dropped it off at the local charity shop 😜. Then, whilst sorting out a chest of drawers in my bedroom I found an envelope with £100 cash.......result 😊

I’m going to freshen up my en suite next weekend just a lick of paint and then I’m hoping to tackle hall, stairs and landings. I need to get the place looking the best I can ready to sell.

@Redland12. I agree MN is a wealth of useful information.

Thanks everyone