The ignoring.....still going on (thread 3)

[TheOrigFV45]

Old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2749459-the-ignoring-not-so-gaaaaa-part-2]

@RandomMess asked "Is he supposed to inform you/get permission from you to take him abroad?"

I reply : Nope (apart from one specific trip he was thinking of planning).

Thank you Dickens, that means a lot to me. MN has been incredibly supportive as I've dumped my woes here!

Random, no we didn't see ex.

He has his contact afternoon this coming Saturday.

So glad you've got the good bike back, DS2 must be so pleased (and relieved). You seem to be handling the ex better these days. Well done you, and congrats on the new fence.

Horrible horrible morning.
DS2 really tearful. He had contact with his Dad at the w/e. It went OK, or so I thought, but I think all his emotions bubbled up this morning.
He didn't want to go to school. We started going round and round in circles. Encouraged him to talk to the teacher he trusts so I did manage to get him to school.
I am afraid I got tearful too...feeling the strain of being the person with sole responsibility. If DS isn't at school I can't work or do my studying.

In the car he sobbed "you're my favourite person".

Talked to teacher and she's going to do some clay or painting this afternoon.

I think ex's behaviour was just odd rather than concerning and it threw DS. I explained that his Dad was probably really nervous, too.

You must be so worried about your boy. Please take a little time today to take care of yourself too.

Thank you. He's back on form now. One of best friends is a TA at the school and knew what was up and very kindly sent me a txt at lunch time to say he was playing football happily.

I also spoke to his childminder (who has become a good friend to both of us) and she kept a special eye on him.

He slept in with me on Monday night and has been fine since.

My appetite is the first thing to go when when I'm stressed, which is a bugger as I'm trying really hard not to let my ED take over.

Checking in. Things ticking along OK here.

DS1 has been home from uni for 3 weeks. Seen his Dad once.
DS2 hasn't wanted to see his Dad at all. Fine with me. He's much more settled.

Meanwhile I am still trying to get some maintenance. I first called CMS in Jan and I still have nothing. The Court system feeds out of the hand of people who use ignoring and delay as a form of control and CMS is the same. They have to give him weeks not to reply to texts, letter and emails asking him to comply, then weeks to inform him what there next steps will be and to give him a chance to not respond, then a further few weeks to set payment up based on the info they can get from his NI number, then weeks for him not to start paying and now up to 50 days for them to set up Direct Pay from his wages.
Each time I call them I am on hold for about 20 mins. It is fortunate that I am not desperate for the money and that I am also able to sit on hold with speaker phone on and carry on working.

I can imagine some people just giving up through frustration.

Every time I call the message says they have an unprecedented number of calls. I'd say that since this has been the case since Jan, it's no longer unprecedented, but maybe the norm. But hey....I'm no Government expert!

Anyway, once it's in place I will get a big lump in back pay.

Yes the CMS avoiders playing the system. Indeed but how long will her get to pay off the arrears...

Still the DS are happy and settled, how good is that

Very glad to hear the kids are alright. The lump sum will come in handy for when DS2 outgrows his current bike - those Frog bikes are brilliant but they only last a couple of years!

How about you, still swimming?

Hello,

I am back to ask for some advice.

DS2 has seen his Dad 3 times since March - I drop him, they watch football, have a kick about and something to eat and I collect.

The last 2 visits have been w/o incident.

While he's with his Dad it's not really worth me coming home so I've been killing time in town. This has been a welcome break for me as I've been able to shop or meet friends or go to the cinema. However, if it's to become a more regular thing I need to actually use that time more productively at home (getting some hours in at work or doing housework),

But ex doesn't have a car so relies on me to take DS2 to him.

I want to tell him that while I'm quite willing to make DS2 available, he will have to do the collecting and dropping off from now. I am happy to take DS to the nearest town where ex can get a bus to so am not being entirely unreasonable (and I don't want him coming to my house or village anyway).

Do you think this is me being difficult and not putting DS2 first? Do I just need to accept it? I have only been taking DS when it suits me ie I haven't changed any pre-existing plans.

Still no maintenance!

TheMShip Yes I am still swimming. Since I took it up I always tried to go twice a week (1K, 1hr door to door), but had to drop down to once a week when things got too busy (easier to just go for a run).
But I found once a week was just 'going for a swim' and not giving me that buzz and maintaining my tone, so I do try and go twice a week now.

I love it and feel really good that I found a love of swimming when I never regarded myself as a swimmer.

Running is still my main love though.

BUMP

Not at all unreasonable- he should do some of the travel.

Well bollocks to it all.

I did not buy into this. It's just too hard.

DS1 is suspending his 3rd year of Uni for many reasons. It's OK, but it's been pretty stressful.

DS2 is meant to be at childcare so I can work, but he's not been well so has been at home.

So I've got both kids at home while I'm working and it's just killing me and it's not fair when their Dad does NOTHING. I do not want to ask my friends to help me, I just wish one of them would ask if they could take DS2 for a bit. Entirely self-centred of me I know.

CMS have reduced me to tears with their (in their own words) negligence. Someone took it upon themselves to use a different contact address to the one I had given them so ex did not receive any of their post. I opened the case in Jan. They've cancelled it and started again. I've filed a formal complaint.

I'm speechless at the incompetence of the CMS... I wish I could offer some practice support. If you were in Germany, I'd be offering a quiet place for you to work right now.
I can offer an ear though, so if you need one, am here x

Hey, sorry it’s still a struggle at times, I know it’s tough and frustrating but you are in a better place than a year ago. It seems so unfair that you have to literally do everything but the alternative is a very unhappy and unsettled DS2..... and more contact with ex

The boys need to understand that you need to work as it’s the only income your household has and it provides for all their needs. Be honest with them, they are old enough to understand that. DS1 is an adult now and unless he has a holiday job he needs to help out by looking after his brother so you can get some work done. Hopefully DS2 is better soon and you can get back to some normality.

Hi can you put up.link to your first post.

@Har23

First thread
Second thread

Sweet baby jesus, it has taken me SO long to find this thread.
Just writing this so I don't lose it again. I have some questions.

DS2 is really struggling with his relationship with his Dad.

Current situation is that he sees his Dad on an ad hoc basis. This has been about once every 6 weeks or so since last March.

He is confused. Can't understand why his Dad doesn't want to see more of him. Wonders if he has done anything to upset him. Feels sad for his Dad living all alone.

Told me he thought he was a rubbish Dad and then burst into tears for saying something so awful.

He doesn't want to contact Dad himself by any means (letter, email, phone, text), so arrangements are made between me and ex. I HATE this. He takes ages to reply, and then it's often just non-answers like 'maybe', or 'can't do that', w/o suggesting something else.
He never initiates contact, and he will not do any of the travel.

If I wasn't proactive months and months would go by.
I do want him to have a relationship with his Dad and in time it will be on his terms, but he's only 10 so too young to have that responsibility.

I don't want to make a point about me having to do all the travel because it means he won't see his Dad.

I am trying to access some support for him, but he's quite particular about who he talks to. He finds it hard to open up (historically this has come from him knowing that if he spoke up about the emotionally abusive way his Dad was treating him and it got back to Dad then Dad would know it was because he had spoken up - he's right).

Things I have said:
He loves his Dad but doesn't love his behaviour. That's OK.
His feelings are his feelings and are not right or wrong.
He can't change his Dad, only the way he reacts to him.
NONE of this is his fault. He's a little boy.
I don't understand it either.
It's good to talk to people.

He is scared to tell his Dad how he feels as he thinks he'll get cross.
He has a Zippy soft toy that he talks to and then zips all the worries away.

What else can I do?
The fact this often comes up late at night keeping him awake is tough for us both. I am low on patience at that time (my precious quiet time in the day).

Anyone?

I've posted in Lone Parents, which is where it belongs really.

CMS have me in tears. I hate them. I hate that they make me feel like this.

Hi op. Sorry you are feeling so sad.

I can’t help with your questions but I do know you son feels love from you even if he struggles with his dad.

You are awesome and you will see that when your son grows and becomes a lovely young man.

Even though that seems so far away.

i don't think there's much more you can do!

he's got every opportunity to talk with someone independent, you've been perfectly balanced in your tone about your ex, you've validated DS2's feelings and thoughts, and you've protected him when he needed protecting.

he knows you've got his back, which will be a massive reassurance to him.

some things will just take time and (his) maturity to work through.

if he's still being good outside your home (ie, at school - in terms of behaviour and attainment), then perhaps try not to stress about it too much (understand this is easier said than done!).

if you feel like you can, it will still be worth reassuring him that his dad still cares about him, just in a different way than you do.

some people just can't really deal with smaller children, and will be more comfortable when DS2 is older, and they have more in common (from reading all your threads, this sort of seems to be how things have gone with DS1?)

Hi FV. Sorry you dropped off my radar, I've had to take a MN break, but tentatively back, and I saw your Lone Parents thread in Active. It's appalling that they are so incompetent. You sound utterly fed up and rightly so.

I was wondering about pet therapy for your son. Would he be able to talk more with the presence of a support animal? The poor kid must be so confused about his dad.

Glad to hear you're still swimming. I hope the ED isn't getting you too down.