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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The ignoring.....still going on (thread 3)

251 replies

TheOrigFV45 · 26/06/2018 13:49

Old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2749459-the-ignoring-not-so-gaaaaa-part-2]

@RandomMess asked "Is he supposed to inform you/get permission from you to take him abroad?"

I reply : Nope (apart from one specific trip he was thinking of planning).

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 18/01/2019 09:01

MH nurse said she would get back to me by yesterday. She hasn't.
I just called CMS and I can't put the case on hold. I can close it but would then have to start all over again if I wanted to do it at a later stage.

I had thought they would make initial contact on the 21st Jan, but it turns out (and they must have told me but it didn't register) they've already sent him a letter, so (if he's opened it) he will already know.

I am shocked at how much this has unsettled me.

It's 9 years today since we lost our Mum so emotions are high today anyway. I wish she was here to talk to. We had our differences but she was very wise.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/01/2019 09:33

Thanksyou know it will be ok, you will get through to the other side.

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 18/01/2019 15:11

I hope so, cos I've spent lots of today in tears. I just feel so pathetic and needy when I get upset that my MH nurse hasn't responded. I feel like telling her to sod off, but that's shooting myself in the foot.
Honestly, waiting for her support is causing my more anxiety than if I'd never asked for it in the first place.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 18/01/2019 21:04

Hang in there 💐

RandomMess · 18/01/2019 21:56

It's not pathetic your MH support worker is the one person that you have a level of trust in to guide you in what's best for you.

ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks

Wallywobbles · 21/01/2019 06:06

I think that it'll probably be worse for a while. But it is the right thing to do. CMS is not known for asking for huge amounts? It's the minimum. You didn't get to this point willingly.

I do know how you feel though. I didn't get maintenance as I knew it would be another stick to beat me with. But I could afford that luxury and it is a luxury.

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 28/01/2019 11:23

Update: CMS have tried to call ex 3 times and have also sent letters to him - no response, so they will go with the income info they have available. I actually had a small hope that ex would work with them. I really don't learn do I.

Have been discharged from one of my MH carers - a joint decision, but I totally fell apart the day after and have had a really hard w/e. I feel like I've been set adrift.

I will hopefully still see the psychologist, but the truth is, I know what I need to do, I just need to put things in place.

Ex sent DS2 some DVDs (to his credit this was a good call). In DS2's thank you letter he also said "please can I have my bike". It's brave of DS2 to ask that of his Dad; it wasn't that long ago that he would not have dared. Would be great to have his nice bike here now that days are getting longer (if not warmer quite yet!).

In "new me" news I am excited to be making some essential improvements to my home and also some smaller inside DIY jobs. It's time.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/01/2019 12:05

That all sounds very positive. It is horrible when you leave a MH person, like your security blanket has been ripped away - very normal reaction to have a "bad time" afterwards.

KOKO Thanks

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 29/01/2019 11:03

Thank you for saying that. I had a feeling that it was OK to feel that way, but I still don't like it.

I am trying not to care that my psychologist hasn't replied to my email about our appt, but I do.

I have really had brilliant care, but it does seem strange to be discharged when I am not recovered and then just left to it.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/01/2019 11:10

Yep it's a bit rubbish but I've been told that the ending of it is a part of the therapeutic process...

Thanks
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 11/02/2019 16:44

Q. Should I tell ex that someone has died?

It's an uncle by marriage (my side), but he was very fond of him.

Am seeing psychologist this week (there was a misunderstanding).

CMS will extract maintenance from arsehole's salary. It's not much but will help with childcare.

Please can you send some sleep dust?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/02/2019 16:55

Nope I wouldn't bother he has made no effort to keep in touch with any extended family??

Sleep dust sent your way Thanks

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 12/02/2019 15:27

Ha ha, he hasn't made any effort to stay in touch with his most immediate family, never mind extended.

Sleep dust didn't work. I'm calling in the heavies!
I had a single sleeping pill prescribed last year. It worked. It REALLY worked. I can't do that again with DS2 with me, so doc has suggested 1/2 a tablet. I will take it on Friday so it's the w/e the next day and if it works will take for a week or so during 1/2 term, when I'm working but there's less clock watching. As well as helping with the actual sleep that night, it sort of re-set me and that's what I need. Some sort of reboot.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/02/2019 15:31

I take zopiclone at desperate times and still manage to wake up a few times and not sleep much beyond 6 hours Sad

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 12/02/2019 15:39

That's the one. One tablet and I slept for 16 hours and still felt woozy for the whole next day.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/02/2019 15:42
Envy
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 12/02/2019 15:45

There must be some middle ground somewhere!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/02/2019 16:33

Just depends on how sensitive to drugs you are, generally I'm just not!

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 19/02/2019 11:42

Letter from ex addressed to DS2.

Tickets to a football match, then kick about and curry.
DS2 seems keen. Good I suppose.

BUT, I have plans that day and evening which make it all quite complicated.

Surely ex should communicate with me (the one who will need to enable this meeting to happen) rather then directly through DS?

What's the right thing to do? Knock my pipe out sorting it out or tell ex and DS it's not possible. I guess ex is just expecting me to drop everything.

How bloody lovely to arrange a fun day out at my inconvenience when I'm sitting here all 1/2 term juggling everything.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/02/2019 11:46

Is it possible to push back on ex to sort it out?

As in

"Plans of x y z are already in place that day therefore you will have to do a b c in order for DS to attend"

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 19/02/2019 11:49

That is sort of possible, but it would involve ex dropping DS2 at his Mother's (where we are both staying that night) and he hasn't seen his Mum in 16 years. Could be awkward.

And I don't know the timings.

I just can't be arsed.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/02/2019 12:00

Well tough on him, he either does as required or doesn't see DS.

I'm sure DS is capable of walking from Ex car to the door on his own.

I think you need to draw a line in the sand where you no longer juggle everything around to accommodate, tell he will have to drop at his mothers etc or he can't have DS

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 19/02/2019 16:42

Just read the letter again, and he's expecting me to drop DS over an hour away (presume cos he doesn't have a car).

I guess I could maybe enable just the football match and then I take him home.

Jesus.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/02/2019 16:44

F*ck that

RandomMess · 19/02/2019 16:48

Sounds like it's still all about control.