The ignoring.....still going on (thread 3)

[TheOrigFV45]

Old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2749459-the-ignoring-not-so-gaaaaa-part-2]

@RandomMess asked "Is he supposed to inform you/get permission from you to take him abroad?"

I reply : Nope (apart from one specific trip he was thinking of planning).

I did get a reply in the end.

Ignored all I wrote and simply said he'd be in the pub watching football on Saturday. We were away over the w/e so even if DS had wanted to go (he didn't) he wouldn't have been able to.

Part of me didn't want to reply, but that's just not me. I think replying is doing the right thing. So I told him we were away and then suggested another 2 more things ex could go to (school events).

I think you're right. It's the mature approach - and he can't accuse you of withholding contact. Ball is firmly in his court. I can't imagine not seeing my child. It seems unlike him not to pursue it too!

This is only loosly connected with ex.

I am furious. DS1 needs collected from Uni on Sunday. It's a very long round trip. I'd rather not take DS2 but can't ask my usual people to mind him ALL DAY. Family are unavailable.

Accepted that I'd take him and he was OK with it. Now DS1 tells me that he's working that day so can't leave until 9pm. We'd either have to load up the car before and then wait around for 5hrs or load the car up afterwards and not be on the road till 10pm.

I just can't do that with DS2. DS1 is bringing all his band stuff back so I can't make him get the train.

I've txt ex to ask if he'll get him. He won't (he not been down to see him once).

I'm just not coping with being a single Mum.

Well it is down to Ex in a way...

He refuses to have a nurturing parental relationship with either of his sons...

Bring the stuff home then DS1 will have to get coach/train under his own steam.

Can you stay overnight?

I've sorted it out now. Friend will mind DS2 at my house and sleep until I get back at 2am

Random that's not a bad suggestion. Making him do that once would ensure he didn't forget to tell me things in the future.

Seahorse We have school/work the next day. I was about to email the head teacher and ask if DS2 could have the morning off, but goodness...I really shouldn't have to.

Honestly I think I would make him...

Happy New Year.

Things are calm here, pretty much.

DS2 still hasn't need ex (since May). DS1 was meant to see him for a day over Xmas, but sacked off cos ex no longer has a car and it would have meant miles and miles of cycling, and he just couldn't be bothered. He's got loads of studying as well as catching up with mates and his band while he's home. It was very hard for me to advise, and he was quite low for a day, but picked up.

So I've had both boys home with me all over Xmas which has been lovely.

That's all do good to read. Must be hard for DS1 to realise how little his Dad cares.

So pleased ex isn't giving you grief over contact

He's not giving me anything at all. Twat.

Have you rejigged maintenance?

There's nothing to rejig, I have never received a penny from him for DS2's care. I think he chucks some £ at DS1 now and again.

I don't have the courage to pursue him for it, though I really should as the extra childcare costs are quite high.

In fact, before maintenance, it would be nice if he could let me have some of DS2's stuff, including a really nice Frog bike. It's not much use sitting doing nothing over there.

It's a shame you don't feel able to go via CMS for maintenance, perhaps eventually you will

I don't think I'd get much off him anyway, he doesn't earn a big salary (I actually have no idea how much), though he does have assets. I have no idea how maintenance works actually. It's more the principal of the matter really. What sort of father doesn't provide for his child?

It's a fixed % of net income I think 10 or 15 for one child. I would claim in principle tbh. I assume you are in receipt of CB?

Done it!
Child Maintenance Options were great. Totally got the emotional abuse side of things and while not pushing to go ahead, did quite clearly state how ex has a responsibility towards his sons.

So, now I have the CMS number which I'll call later to set everything up. I feel VERY anxious about this. It's the right thing, yeah?

Yes, it's his choice not to behave appropriately and see the DS. Even when DS2 has asked something entirely reasonable to build a relationship he has ignored.

DC cost money and it is his responsibility to contribute!

I don't know if I'll actually make the call. It's really stressing me out and I don't know if it's worth it - just on a principal.

Even if you don't get much £ it will still help with childcare costs.

You must have a vague idea of what he is earning?

Yes it will.

I actually don't have an idea. He got this job mid-divorce (funny how he could all of a sudden find work when he realised I wasn't going to keep funding his lifestyle), and we were not on speaking terms (understatement). It is not a professional or particularly skilled job but above min wage I should think.

It's actually very hard to think about that period of time.

I had a thought that because I did a clean break divorce I wouldn't be able to start a CMS claim but it turns out you can't make a clean break from being a parent. So now I just need to decide whether to go ahead.

I didn't realise that you didn't know, I had assumed the shared care he insisted on was because he didn't want to have to pay maintenance!

TBH, I just wanted it all over with ASAP.
Shared care was apparently because he loves his son so much. It was never about money.