The ignoring.....still going on (thread 3)

[TheOrigFV45]

Old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2749459-the-ignoring-not-so-gaaaaa-part-2]

@RandomMess asked "Is he supposed to inform you/get permission from you to take him abroad?"

I reply : Nope (apart from one specific trip he was thinking of planning).

Glad to hear you’re going via cms. And you’re right, you can’t have a clean break from being a parent.

It is right that you go to CMS - just cut him out of the negotiations, he's clearly only going to wind you up.
2019 now - move on and leave him to it
Clean break for YOU too!

I have read all of this now.
I think you should claim what you can from him as he needs to take financial responsibility for his son.
It may also push him into seeing DS a bit more, or at least contacting DS.
💐

@TheOrigFV45 you should definitely pursue the maintenance, it is unfair that you have been left with all the responsibility, the least you can do is get some sort of contribution towards your DC's from your ex. You are doing so well.

This is all preying on my mind.
I know DS deserves to be supported by his father and it's down to me to make that happen, but in doing so I am initiating dealing with my ex (albeit it through a 3rd party, but he'll know it was me obv) and I'm wondering why I would choose to do that since it causes me so much stress.

You don't have to do it now, you can it forever or until you feel strong enough.

I too wondered about would you just be poking a hornets nest by applying...

Do you actually still message him? I wouldn't I wouldn't mention him to DS just do nothing and let yourselves detach

I've put it out of my mind for this week. People tell me it's for DS, and of course it is, but I can support both my sons myself.

I haven't messaged him since the day DS1 didn't go and visit him and I've had no direct contact from him for months and months.

He's in my head though. All the time. The things he did, how he made me feel etc etc. I just want to be done with it.

DS2 is doing very well. He's a different boy.

Are you still seeing a therapist?

I would think it's like the grieving process, long and drawn out. Coming to terms with it all will take time.

Glad DS2 is much happier

I think therapy is winding down - not sure. It's under discussion.

I am pulling back from my MH support because I've had it for so, so long now and I know what I need to do, I just need to do it. Maybe some time away from the intensity of it (not to mention the demands on my time) will help - I don't know.

Really the only thing that boosts my mood when I am low is my sport.

Just to say I've read your thread and think you've done amazingly well. He hasn't broken you with all that he's tried! But i feel trying to get maintenance, although 'right' may cause you more stress. It's not right but he sounds psychopathic. Might he suggest 50 50 care to avoid paying? No contact seems better for your MH.

Thank you.

We went from "I'm going to go for full custody of DS2 cos you're such a bad mother" to him having him 50:50 on a dreadful ad hoc basis (to suit him), to going to Court and having 60:40 (in my favour) on a still pretty rubbish arrangement, but I can only see that in hindsight (I was just glad to get something in place and to be done with Court), to DS2 refusing to go, to me gaining full custody after second Court hearing.

So, no I don't think he'll suggest 50:50 and even if he does was are a VERY long way from it being established. My attempts at contact which DS2 is comfortable with have been ignored and instead ex has just thrown back what HE wants to do. I mean, he's not even trying.

Nobber.

So you have full residency with no overnights for DS2 with Ex?

That is correct.
I was just thinking this evening how calm things are. No more unsettled nights with me up and down and him getting in bed with me. I knew he needed it and I didn't begrudge it of course, but it made me sad and didn't help that I felt I had no down time.

Because contact is arranged and court ordered I would consider pursuing for maintenance.

Block the ex on every device, he wants to start seeing DC he'll have to contact you via court!

No, it's not court ordered, the order was dismissed because ex back tracked sharply when the judge said next step was full cafcass report etc. Ex said he didn't want to pursue seeing DS2.

It was all quite odd and very unexpected.

Ah ok, once DS2 is 11 then reconsider; you'll be in a better place, there will have been little contact, DD old enough to have his wishes taken into account.

How is DS1?

It's no surprise that the contact for both of them has fizzled out and so quickly!

DS is obviously much happier now.

I made the call and the cogs have started moving.
Yikes - he ain't gonna be happy, but he needs to know that I want the best for our kids and while money isn't the answer to everything, it certainly helps to make life more smooth.

Small silver lining - they waived the £20 admin fee due to the EA.

And now I'm thinking of calling them to retract my claim - it's just giving me so much worry.

I don't know.

Please do not retract my claim.
You have made a huge decision in claiming CM. It is not all about the money. or what about your DS's deserve, it is about you taking control of your life and the situation.
Of course he is not going to like it, he will hate it but don't let that stop you making him take any responsibility for his offspring.

FFS my = your..

Really should proof read before posting !!

Be strong

Eugh...thank you.

It's just that my MH has really been bad as I've come to terms with everything and I do feel I'm on the right track now.

Isn't a bit daft to purposely risk my recovery for this? Isn't my priority keeping myself well for the sake of my sons (and myself)?

I can almost see the MH people shaking their heads thinking "why did you go and do that?", which obviously they wouldn't, but aren't I supposed to be helping myself?

You know yourself best. If the thought of more engagement/hassle with your ex is going to worsen your MH, it's better to not go ahead. Feels so wrong for him not to pay but your health must come first.

I've emailed my MH person, not that she will (or should) advise on what I should do, but may help me make sense of what's going on in my head and how best to deal with it.

While DS2 is still so young, there will be many times where I'll have stuff thrown at me to do with ex and I can't let them floor me.