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Original poster

The ignoring.....still going on (thread 3)

251 replies

TheOrigFV45 · 26/06/2018 13:49

Old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2749459-the-ignoring-not-so-gaaaaa-part-2]

@RandomMess asked "Is he supposed to inform you/get permission from you to take him abroad?"

I reply : Nope (apart from one specific trip he was thinking of planning).

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 05/07/2018 09:05

I'm not going away. DS2 needs me more. He was crying in the night. Had him bed with me and once I told him I wouldn't go, he went straight to sleep and slept in longer than he has for ages.
Work wise, it's not the end of the world - I wasn't presenting.
I've made the right decision.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 05/07/2018 11:33

Aww bless him. Absolutely the right decision.

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 09/07/2018 09:29

DS2 was meant to see ex on Sunday (re-arranged from last Tues that ex cancelled). This time DS changed his mind.

I ended up taking time for myself Thurs and Fri (and the w/e). I slept, spent time with DS1 who was off work himself, did lots of thinking and tried to relax.

I now have a rotten cold and just want to sleep.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/07/2018 10:53

Well done FV Thanks

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 13/07/2018 13:59

A card arrived for DS2 today. Took me a minute to clock that it's ex's handwriting.

I would never normally consider opening someone else's mail, but since it will be me dealing with any fall out, do you think I should open it to see what it says?

This is the first communication DS2 will have had from his Dad since 25th May.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/07/2018 14:04

I really don't know...

You could ask DS2 if he wants you to open it first?

It's tricky because there is no precedent for him sending DS inappropriate notes/messages...

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 13/07/2018 14:15

That's a good idea. It doesn't sit right with me to open it. It leaves him in control. I'm sure even his Dad isn't idiotic enough to be mean in a card.

OP posts:
user1471549672 · 13/07/2018 14:20

Is it his birthday soon? Or could it be an invitation to something?
I would definitely want to screen it, given what’s going on with contact.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 13/07/2018 14:40

surely you open together? (i mean, he opens, with you there)

to reemphasise with DS2 (if it's really needed) that there are no secrets in your house!

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 13/07/2018 15:30

I gave him the choice and he opened it and read it himself, then took it upstairs. He was fine, no emotion either way.

I've read it now and it's just ex talking about the England/Croatia match.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 14/07/2018 11:50

DS1 saw ex yesterday and brought DS2 passport back. Hoorah.
So now DS obv not going away with ex, which means I have to find 4 weeks of childcare (we are away for 2).
I shall look into that while football is on.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/07/2018 13:12

What a relief!!! I think perhaps the message is sinking in to Ex that this is all coming from DS and he needs to engage with him - hence the card about Footie rather than bloody cycling?

Iamdobby63 · 18/07/2018 18:37

Good to hear a positive update.

Hope you managed to sort out child care. What will happen with the court date, will you still go along? Assuming ex has done nothing about postponing it.

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 19/07/2018 09:06

Hello,

Child care is a project in progress. I am very lucky to have some family locally. Ironically they are ex's family who I was unable to have a proper relationship with for years and years. DS2 didn't even know who his paternal grandmother was, even though she lives 15 mins away.

Restoring those relationships has been such a positive outcome of the divorce. And just having people in my home.

I assume ex has done nothing about postponing as the last txt convo was:
me: I don't know where we lie with [DS2] going to France with you
twat: the court date scuppers those plans anyway

Yeah....totally my fault!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/07/2018 10:22

You know HE could have applied to court to change dates HE chose not to....

Mental and real Grey rock all the way!!!

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 19/07/2018 10:34

Yes. It will go in my favour that I have acknowledged I'm breaching the CO and want to address the issue.

He just thinks he's been Wronged and I am Deranged.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/07/2018 11:12

Well he's wrong, DS1 can see it and DS2 isn't keen on having contact with him. 3 versus 1, then start counting in his own family members....

Iamdobby63 · 19/07/2018 12:51

You know it’s not your fault and that’s all that matters, you can’t control what he chooses to think in order not to see fault in himself.

So that sounds like he’s not going to France.

How is DS2?

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 20/07/2018 17:48

FB message from ex's old house share (she's not my FB friend, but knows my name). Ex moved out 8 months ago. He left loads of stuff there and won't collect it (no shit!). He said she could chuck it out, but contacted me to say there's loads of DS2's stuff there (toys, puzzles, games, clothes). I had NO idea he'd left all that stuff of DS2's. She lives a couple of miles down the road, I could so easily have collected it.

Anyway, I'm messaged her back to arrange a time to collect. DS2 says he'd like to say hello so we'll arrange a cuppa or something. I don't really know her at all, but have no hard feelings towards her, it was always just a bit awkward collecting DS from there.

Therapy today. Was useful. We are going to do some prep before the court hearing so I have some skills to try when it gets tough.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/07/2018 17:53

Will be interesting to see what former housemate has to say!

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 23/07/2018 08:41

I actually have no interest in making an ally out of her. I am happy to make my own relationship with her.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 24/07/2018 08:55

It was good of her to contact you rather than just dumping all his stuff.

Your ex is unbelievable... how rude and selfish to leave someone else to clear up his mess and have use their own time to dispose of it. At least you know it’s not just you he shows no respect towards - right?

DS2 ok?

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 24/07/2018 09:06

Yes, I think she's a decent person (green, velour lounge pants aside Grin)!

DS2 currently getting over stomach bug, poor thing. Glad he's here with me (well, I'm glad for him, I'm could do w/o it tbh).

Between him, DS1 back from festival and me having peri-menopause night sweat, it's all pretty gross around here!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 25/07/2018 11:26

Fed up and overwhelmed.

DS2 been poorly so summer childcare gone.
Cafcass haven't called yet.
Trying and trying to get some legal advice, but no one is getting back to me.

I feel crushed and trapped by the demands of being a single Mother. And a bit of a failure since there are millions of people in the same situation.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 25/07/2018 12:55

hugs

Very hard when you are trying to earn a living and looking after a poorly child, sounds like he had a really nasty bug.

Look at the positives, a) you work almost from home and it can be flexible to a point and b) better to be a single parent than have to live with your ex. I know it’s overwhelming at times and to be honest being peri menopausal won’t help, in fact that made me feel like I was useless and couldn’t cope with the simplest things not to mention the anxiety....

I hope someone comes back to you soon on the legal matters.

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