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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The ignoring.....still going on (thread 3)

251 replies

TheOrigFV45 · 26/06/2018 13:49

Old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2749459-the-ignoring-not-so-gaaaaa-part-2]

@RandomMess asked "Is he supposed to inform you/get permission from you to take him abroad?"

I reply : Nope (apart from one specific trip he was thinking of planning).

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/06/2018 13:59

So there is no reason how you could know that he was taking DS abroad.

So what is DS stance (never wants to see Dad again, not yet, never wants to stay with him)?

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 27/06/2018 15:30

True.
He would see his Dad if his brother was there.

Ex has told me of his plans now and I know DS won't want to do it. Keeping him from holidaying with his Dad seems like a massive deal. I'm worried.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/06/2018 15:56

You ask DS does he want to do x y z.

You go back and tell Ex that DS is refusing to see him including that trip.

RandomMess · 27/06/2018 15:57

Plus something like you need the passport by x (very soon) and if it gets to court before his holiday and DS is forced to go you will give him the passport back.

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 02/07/2018 13:36

Court Hearing 3rd Aug.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 02/07/2018 19:07

Hey.... I must have missed your updates! There was me thinking everything must be ticking over nicely, I’m sorry you are still having this stress.

I’m a bit confused over the passport, does ex have DS passport?

You are doing the right by your son, things must have become really bad for your son to speak to others about it. It’s good that he is.

Don’t let ex scare or bully you.

RandomMess · 02/07/2018 19:12

I guess you say as the court hearing isn't until 3rd Aug he won't be going away with him so you need the passport returned by x (this Friday)

Or is 3rd before his holiday?

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 03/07/2018 06:48

Feeling awful.
Overwhelmed. Any spare hugs out there?

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 03/07/2018 07:05

Big hugs and a handhold here! Walking with you Flowers.

Snowysky20009 · 03/07/2018 07:26

I haven't read your previous thread, but wanted tooffer a huge hug x

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 03/07/2018 09:26

Thank you. I held it together until I dropped DS2 off at school, just about managed to get home and then sobbed my heart out. Called Samaritans and have lined up a call to the woman who runs the group I go to. She gets it.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/07/2018 09:39

Huge 🤗 you are doing incredibly well, never believe that you aren't Thanks

Iamdobby63 · 03/07/2018 10:49

Incredibly stressful for you...

Big hugs, just keep focussed on why you are needing to do this, DS comes first, you can’t compromise his happiness.. it’s just not something you can ignore.

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 03/07/2018 11:08

I'm travelling for work on Thursday for a week. That's OK in itself, but there is so much to arrange.

DS2 was meant to finally see ex this evening (with DS1) to watch the football. Carefully arranged with all parties by me. Txt from ex at 2am cancelling. I imagine he's read the court papers.

Running and eating control is SO bad for me but to peel the layers of hurt and confusion away is going to send me spiralling down. I know I will need to do that at some point (CBT has made a start), but I am just not strong enough at the moment.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/07/2018 11:09

What an arse, will only look bad on him.

HmmThanks

RandomMess · 03/07/2018 11:10

Oops Hmm was a typo!

Iamdobby63 · 03/07/2018 12:22

I agree, it will only look bad on him. Make a note of it (I’m sure you already have).

I guess he gave no reason for cancelling?

Looks like he is hell bent on being an arse all his life.

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 03/07/2018 13:33

Now ex says he's on holiday on date of Hearing and can I postpone. Ermmm, no.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 03/07/2018 14:12

I don’t know how it works but I would think he should contact the courts and tell them he is unavailable, not ask you to postpone.

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 03/07/2018 15:28

That's what I've told him.

I can't stop crying Sad

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 03/07/2018 15:43

Come on now... big girl pants on. I know you don’t want to deal with him but sadly whilst DS2 is this young you have to.

You’ve told him... that’s more than a lot of people would do, now it’s up to him.

I was trying to see the outcome of whether DS2 wanted to go on holiday with him? I’m guessing not.

You’ve dealt with him before and as unpleasant as it is you can do it again. One day you won’t have to. He has had opportunities to address DS2s concerns and it sounds like he has done nothing so f*ck him, his fault.

DS2 knows he can see his Dad if he so wishes, that’s all you can do.

Sweetandkind · 04/07/2018 00:01

You really need help to deal with this damaged, deluded 'non-person', impersonating a 'man'. It must be so overwhelming for a normal person, a mother, who just wants the best for her son😓.
Have you tried emdr for yourself? It might equip you with the tools to ride this out. I really feel for you 💐

user1471549672 · 04/07/2018 06:15

Stay strong , your Ds needs you💗
Standing up to ex is your only choice as your youngest needs your protection.
I don’t understand how court dates work , but wonder given the circumstances if it could be brought forward rather than delaying the date.... though I suspect ex will find a problem with any date.... as it’s all about him being in control.
You've Come so far . Keep using whatever methods help you through this and he really isn’t doing his self any favours. If you need the passport back before court and he refuses to return it,report it to the police ( even if they refuse to get involved, they’ll hopefully see that you’re doing something to try to resolve the issue )
Stay strong
💗

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 04/07/2018 15:23

Thank you. I am feeling a bit more under control today.

I had a long snivelling phone call with my psychologist. This is actually the first time I have openly (albeit over the phone) cried in front of any of the health professionals who are supporting me. It's part of the recovery (not just 'getting on with it' and to feel able to show my vulnerable side), but is very alien to me.

Everything just overwhelmed me - DS2 being very demanding (understandable, but so draining), preparing for my work trip, dealing with ex and upcoming court, keeping on top of my own needs. I am very, very tired.

DS2 is staying with people he and I love very much when I'm away so I feel happy about that.

No idea what's happening with the holiday.

and if the school send out any more end of term requests I am going to scream. Non-uniform, raffle prizes, fill a bag, school play, district sports, make a line of feckin' 1p pieces, swimming gala

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 04/07/2018 16:30

Good that DS2 will be cared for in an environment that you know he will be happy. Perhaps a week away (even if it’s work) will be good for you.

I’ve said it to you before, you are stronger than you think and you are a survivor. I know it doesn’t feel like it.

DS2 is a sensitive lad so he is bound to pick up on your anxiety - no matter how well you try to hide it, him being demanding is just him looking for reassurance regardless of it being positive or negative.

Does ex know DS2 doesn’t want to go on holiday?

You are very brave and should be proud of yourself for fighting DS2’s corner, he has been unhappy for a while now and you have done your best to resolve it with ex but it’s fallen on deaf ears, now it’s come to this.