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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The ignoring.....still going on (thread 3)

251 replies

TheOrigFV45 · 26/06/2018 13:49

Old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2749459-the-ignoring-not-so-gaaaaa-part-2]

@RandomMess asked "Is he supposed to inform you/get permission from you to take him abroad?"

I reply : Nope (apart from one specific trip he was thinking of planning).

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 28/07/2018 04:39

How you doing FV?

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 28/07/2018 08:08

Thank you for asking.
I'm ok.
Been a bit of a week but I did manage to get 2 working days on my own, so had some head space.

Anxious about next week.

DS2 better. DS1 away for the weekend so a quieter time.

Therapy is hard but helping.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/07/2018 08:33

Thanks one day at a time. Are Cafcass due to speak to DS2 or is that something that may be ordered after court?

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 30/07/2018 07:38

The Court have not asked that DS2 be spoken to at this stage.

Cafcass have not called me yet. They were at least meant to have called to arrange the formal call, which takes a long time. They said they would do this on Friday but when I called to check at 4.45 the office was already closed.

Ex is is France so they'll have trouble contacting him.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 30/07/2018 11:59

My letter from Cafcass dated 9th July states "A Family Court Advisor will contact you to make the arrangements to speak with you shortly."

This hasn't happened. I have called them 3 times and no one has told me why. Looks like I'll get 1/2hr with the duty court Cafcass worker on the day. FFS. Hours and hours and hours filling out the forms for no one to read them or care.

And yes....I am over-reacting.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 30/07/2018 15:22

I don’t think you are over reacting, Like you I expect people to do what they say they are going to do. I wonder if ex has written to the courts letting them know he is away or if he will just let it go ahead without any correspondence... that will go against him, the court will assume he is not concerned about any changes being made.

Really he should be taking you to court, forgive me if I’m wrong but I thought that’s usually the case if the other party is denied access, they then apply to the courts for the original order to be reinstated.

Have you got a friend going with you for support?

Is DS2 better now?

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 30/07/2018 15:43

..and the Court Papers say that Cafcass must provide safeguarding letter to the court no later than 3 days before the hearing.

Anyway, the case worker finally called me and will call for proper talk at 4pm. And if I hadn't have chased them up?!

He is coming back from France with DS1 tomorrow and I think he will be at the hearing.

Yes, legally I am in the wrong (civil no criminal!), and he said he would take me to court....of course he didn't. Yes, the friend who came with for the first CAO is coming. Like a tradition!

DS2 all better now.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 30/07/2018 16:03

So DS2 didn’t want to go to France even though DS1 was going? Glad he is all better.

Yes I guess technically legally you are in the wrong, however, you are working in the best interests of your child and you are the one who has applied for a variation.... Has DS2 expressed to you what he would like to happen? Very difficult at his age but I hope that when and if caffcass need to speak to him he can express his wishes to them.

Glad your friend is coming with you.

RandomMess · 30/07/2018 16:30

Just more Flowers

Fishface77 · 30/07/2018 16:31

I keep reading your threading hoping for good news. Got everything crossed for you.

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 30/07/2018 16:56

So....cafcass called. He has been trying to contact ex....apparently it's normal to contact the Respondent first. Of course he can't get hold of him - even his own kids can't call their Dad on his crappy phone.

Anyway, we had a good talk. Turns out Friday is not the normal Family Court day and so there won't be a cafcass worker there that day. Boggle.

I can't really write a specific Position Statement until I know how ex is responding to my allegations.

Cafcass will give ex until mid morning Wed to contact them, and then go ahead and write their report anyway, which will be emailed to me the day before the Hearing. I don't know, maybe this is a good thing - not a great deal of time to get worked up about it.

I suspect no ruling will be made and they will want to do further reports. Either that or ex will lie back and just accept it.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/07/2018 17:00

You can only say the truth and support DS best interests. You can demonstrate that you support DS1 in their relationship but it's clear DS2 is very unhappy and there have been safeguarding concerns that have left DS distressed.

Iamdobby63 · 03/08/2018 08:08

Hope today goes ok xx

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 03/08/2018 17:16

What I just wrote in my thread in Legal

It's good. IT'S GOOD!

  • cafcass were able to contact ex.
  • I got safeguarding email yesterday so was able to write my position statement.
  • Judge was really nice. It was awful, I just couldn't tell which way it was going to go. Judge was going to order further investigations, another hearing etc, and to Order supervised contact, but ex jumped in and said he didn't want that.
  • Outcome. Existing Order dismissed, no new Order made.
  • If ex wants to see DS he will need to take me to Court.

It's like ex knew that deeper investigations would reveal the truth and he's given up.

I have no desire to stop DS seeing his Father and will tell DS that he will be seeing him with supervision (I think he's too young to feel he has the power/responsibility to make that decision himself) and discuss with him how and when, but for now the immediate pressure is off.

I was not expecting this at all. Reading ex's response to my allegations was really, really horrible. I am glad I was able to do that yesterday rather then be presented it in Court.

And now I am shaking.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/08/2018 18:38

FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

Woohoo x

TheMadGardener · 04/08/2018 20:52

So pleased for you. Must be a great relief. With any luck he won't be bothered to go back to court.

Iamdobby63 · 06/08/2018 00:08

Great news FV, really happy for you and I hope this brings some peace for you and DS2.

Wallywobbles · 06/08/2018 00:36

Great outcome

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 30/08/2018 11:19

Ola, Back from my holiday in Spain and back to work. Ya boo.

So, I've been trying to organise DS2 seeing his Dad and I'm inclined to just not bother trying any more and put the ball back in his court.

He replies to my txts with non-answers e.g. "maybe possible" or just doesn't reply at all. Meanwhile I am involving DS2 in the discussions. He has been sobbing that he misses his Dad but is scared to see him.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/08/2018 11:33

So Ex is punishing him for not wanting to go.

I think age appropriate truth is called "I think Daddy is doing this to upset you because he has an unkind side
Blah blah blah. It's okay that you love Daddy and it's okay that you miss seeing him do much but I cannot make Daddy the person he should be"

Or it could be that he's doing it to hurt you?

Anyway you need honesty with DS, actually I would ask him why you think Daddy is ignoring him etc - then tell him your thoughts (not as hard facts but more you think it could be x or y and this is why you left).

Ultimately leave the ball in Ex's court though.

Thanks
1fluffydoodle · 30/08/2018 12:08

Guilt is all part of control , so he’s deliberately making your son feel bad.
I agree it’s time to be more honest with your son about his dads manipulative bullying nature. Tell him not to blame himself that his dads behaviour has led to where you are today, not him not wanting to see him.
Good luck and stay strong
💓💕💓

TheMadGardener · 30/08/2018 15:52

Don't go chasing after your ex. He wants you to have to chase so that he feels like he is in control. Must have been a nasty jolt to him in court when the judge didn't give him the control he wanted!! I agree that you just need to try to explain to DS2 that it's not his fault that his dad has an unkind side to his character, that in an ideal world any dad should be proud and happy to have a lovely son like DS2 and would want to see him and look after him, but unfortunately not all dads make the right choices or do the things they ought to.

What sort of relationship is your twat ex maintaining with your adult DS1? Does DS1 ever talk to him about the way he treats DS2?

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 30/08/2018 16:44

Thanks all.

I don't get involved in DS1's relationship with ex. They see each other for fun stuff and DS1 went away with ex for a couple of mini breaks this summer.
The boys rarely see ex together (ex has never had room to put them both up overnight) so DS1 doesn't see the dynamic that goes on between ex and DS2, apart from maybe when they all go out to eat, and then of course ex is Mr Charming.

I need to tread carefully because I don't want to put DS1 under pressure to 'take sides'.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/08/2018 22:50

It's not about taking sides it's very much DS2 feeling free enough to express what he thinks is going on (you don't have to tell him he's right or wrong just validate his feelings) you just need to ensure he doesn't believe it's his fault that Ex isn't seeing him Thanks

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 31/08/2018 08:59

No, I meant I don't want to put DS1 under pressure by asking him about how his Dad treats DS2.

OP posts: