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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The ignoring.....still going on (thread 3)

251 replies

TheOrigFV45 · 26/06/2018 13:49

Old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2749459-the-ignoring-not-so-gaaaaa-part-2]

@RandomMess asked "Is he supposed to inform you/get permission from you to take him abroad?"

I reply : Nope (apart from one specific trip he was thinking of planning).

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/08/2018 09:00

Oh yes completely x

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 31/08/2018 09:07

Good :-)

So, my last txt to ex said that he could just let me know about the potential next meet up (just go and watch DS2 at footie training).

I will not do any more now. I told DS2 I have tried and that IT IS NOT HIS FAULT and that I don't understand his Dad.

I really hope this doesn't damage my sweet boy.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/08/2018 10:15
Thanks
Iamdobby63 · 31/08/2018 13:25

Hey FV, I agree with an earlier poster who said that it seems like ex is punishing DS2, if not punishing then he is still sulking about it.

You have tried to arrange a meet up and there’s not much more you can do. Difficult for you when DS2 is upset and wants to see his Dad. If he continues to make no effort to see him then you could message him asking if you are to assume he no longer wants contact.

In the meantime just keep reassuring DS2 that you are trying to make arrangements and try and take his mind off it when the subject comes up.

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 03/09/2018 12:05

No more from ex. Good. He can do the running. Meanwhile I tell DS it's not his fault.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/09/2018 13:28

KOKO Thanks

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 04/09/2018 20:16

DS2 been really upset the last 2 nights. I can't make it better and don't know what to do.

He's angry. He wants his bike (no reply from ex when I txt him about it). No reply as to whether he'd watch him play footie.

I'm the punch bag and I'm not getting any down time at all as he's not sleeping well and is in my bed. I actually can't spend much more time with him, keeping him distracted and entertained and 'special time' as I have a full time job, a house to run and another kid (older but still needs me).

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 04/09/2018 20:18

How old is DS2 now? Sport I've forgotten.

Wallywobbles · 04/09/2018 20:19

Sport = sorry.

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 04/09/2018 20:22

He's 9 1/2.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 04/09/2018 20:27

Can you not leave it to them to sort it out between themselves a bit more? It might take some facilitating your end but it might end better for DS too.

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 04/09/2018 20:31

He doesn't want to contact his dad by phone, txt,letter or email.

I'm at a loss.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/09/2018 20:49

He needs some external input, counsellor or similar- anything at school.

I would tell him to write to his Dad that the letter won't be sent but to put on paper all that he'd want to say to his Dad if he felt he could.

Thanks
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 05/09/2018 09:07

He has had some support, but he doesn't open up.
And he told me that they can't change anything.

He told me he couldn't get the memory of an incident where his Dad was shouting and swearing at him and there was no one there to protect him. Sad
I put on an audible CD for him and tucked him in and we had a lovely cuddle.

He's gone off to school happy today, thank goodness.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/09/2018 09:42

I would still ask for the support to start up again, no they can't change anything but they can listen and can help him label his feelings. It can take a long time to build rapport and open up so I would ask for it to carry on.

Thanks
Iamdobby63 · 09/09/2018 12:48

How has has he done the rest of the week?

Shouting and swearing.....Poor kid!

This is just horrible for him, he was so brave, he found his voice and spoke up and his Dad’s reaction is to punish him for it. It must make you very angry FV.

It’s good he talks to you even if you are a bit of a punching bag but I would suggest him continuing counselling, perhaps explain to him it’s not about them being able to change anything but more about helping him cope with the emotions of his situation.

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 10/09/2018 09:12

He's been more calm, I'd say. Up and down but more settled.

DS1 has gone back to uni now so time for me and DS2 to find our groove.

Not a word from ex and I haven't raised it with DS2.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 11/09/2018 09:37

From the headteacher "I have to say that just in these few days I have seen what has appeared to be a happier and less anxious DS2".

This makes me SO happy and relieved.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/09/2018 11:22

I guess DS2 is coming to terms with the reality that although he "loves" his Dad it isn't returned and his Dad isn't kind or loving towards him.

On one level he does know it already but the current situation is the irrefutable proof Sad

Great to here that he is happier despite his sadness and self doubt over it all.

KOKO Flowers

Iamdobby63 · 11/09/2018 18:07

Good. It means a lot that other people notice the change.

He will have his ups and downs but you absolutely know this is the right arrangement for him.

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 13/09/2018 10:31

The Family and School support worker both I am DS2 had been seeing has moved on. She has been replaced. DS2 said he didn't want to speak to her. Shall I go myself? DS2 says he's doing OK - he just wants his bike!

I need to get maintenance from ex. You'd think he'd put some £ my way to support his son, wouldn't you.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 14/09/2018 16:23

It might be worth going to see her just to bring her up to speed and maybe see what she suggests for coping with DS2 when he isn’t doing so well.

Do you know where the bike is, can you try contacting him and saying you will pick the bike up on a particular day and time. Did ex buy the bike? Not that it should matter of course.

Go careful on the maintenance, I agree he should help support but look into it all first just in case there’s some messed up thing that ends up with you paying him. I would like to think that wouldnt be the case as it’s child maintenance.

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 27/09/2018 14:39

I did go and see the support worker and she was lovely. Said she thinks I'm doing what I can. I am leaving the decision as to whether DS2 sees her with him.

They had a special assembly from the NSPCC yesterday. Do you think parents should have known about this? It upset DS as it made him focus on this thoughts about his Dad. I could have done with knowing it was happening.

I got him a second hand bike and all is fine. It also solves the problem of childcare when I do my long run at the weekend. He can cycle with me. We did that last w/e and it was really great.

After a few weeks of no contact I txt ex asking if he'd watch DS2 play footie (training or a match). No reply.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/09/2018 18:06

You are doing an amazing job KOKO Thanks

Iamdobby63 · 28/09/2018 09:09

Ditto... You are doing a fabulous job FV.

I do actually think the school should have told all parents about this special assembly and I think that given that they know what DS2 has gone through that they should have kept a close eye on him afterwards or had the counsellor speak to him. On the positive side as upsetting as it probably was it might be a good thing that he heard from NSPCC that certain behaviours are wrong and shouldn’t just be accepted.

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