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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The ignoring.....still going on (thread 3)

251 replies

TheOrigFV45 · 26/06/2018 13:49

Old thread [https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2749459-the-ignoring-not-so-gaaaaa-part-2]

@RandomMess asked "Is he supposed to inform you/get permission from you to take him abroad?"

I reply : Nope (apart from one specific trip he was thinking of planning).

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 01/10/2018 09:04

I really don't think I'm am doing fab.

DS is really struggling with his Dad not wanting to see him. I just don't know what to say. I simply cannot make better his feelings of abandonment.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 01/10/2018 12:12

You are doing your best.

I wish I had the words. I guess all you can do is to continue to reassure him that none of this is his fault. I do still think a counsellor might be able to help more, if he really won’t go then could you maybe seek advice as to how to handle DS2s abandonment feelings.

Completely unhelpful but God your ex is an arse, what a spoilt and self centred arse he is!

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 03/10/2018 09:07

Thank you. I am taking a different approach this week and just keep telling him he's brilliant and why, and using the letters of his name to spell amazing words.

I can't make it all better. I can't change certain things, but I can help with his self-esteem.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/10/2018 13:32

It's good to read that you are doing what is best for your DS - reminding about how great he is and letting him grieve and come to terms with what a d-head his "dad" is Thanks

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 08/10/2018 11:44

Eugh....last week went a bit pear shaped. All OK now. DS reached crisis with not wanting to go to school and it all came to a head. Too much pressure on 9 year olds.

Anyway, here is my question of the day.

I really, really, really want to go to a lecture next week. I booked my ticket months ago.
The problem: I am in uni from 9-6 that day. DS will go the childminder, that's fine. But in order for me to go to the lecture (7.30pm), I'd basically just bring him home and then let a baby sitter take over.

In itself I'm fine with that, BUT the following week I go away for work for 10 days. Far East. DS really wants to be close to me at the moment and I had no problem with that at all; I'm just really struggling with trying to balance meeting his needs (without him thinking he's got me wrapped around his little finger) and my own needs. I'm struggling to get my sport in.

I just don't know if I'm meant to suck up being a single parent or whether DS needs to accept that I need time for myself to do things I want. Of course from his POV if I'm not there it doesn't matter whether it's for work or pleasure - I'm just not there.

I try and balance things e.g. I run while he's at football training rather than watch, but I always watch matches.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 29/11/2018 03:58

Hello,

The school have asked us to update contact details (parents, emergency contact, doc).
They sent hard copy of existing contacts home in book bag ie ex won't have copy.

His details are out of date.

Should I update them?

Do I have a responsibility to ensure school can contact both parents?
Is it his responsibility?
Am I even entitled to?
Can I move him down the list order of who to contact so it's me, emergency contact 1, emergency contact 2, ex?

DS has not seen ex since May so it would be quite upsetting for him if his dad turned up.

I'm not sure if I'm meddling, doing what I think is best for DS or just plain wanting to stick my fingers up at ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 29/11/2018 04:00

DS is SO much more settled these days. It's good.

I do feel the pressure of being a single parent and struggle to do my best but that's normal.

We went to see DS1 last weekend at uni.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 29/11/2018 04:01

DS is SO much more settled these days. It's good.

I do feel the pressure of being a single parent and struggle to do my best but that's normal.

We went to see DS1 last weekend at uni.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 29/11/2018 04:01

DS is SO much more settled these days. It's good.

I do feel the pressure of being a single parent and struggle to do my best but that's normal.

We went to see DS1 last weekend at uni.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 29/11/2018 04:01

DS is SO much more settled these days. It's good.

I do feel the pressure of being a single parent and struggle to do my best but that's normal.

We went to see DS1 last weekend at uni.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 29/11/2018 07:01

Grinsorry for the many posts!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/11/2018 09:06

Glad things are so much better for DS! How are you?

I would fill in the form with the most appropriate contact details. You know if anything serious happened you would let him know.

It is his responsibility to update the school not yours?

Does this mean there have been no threats of court Shock

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 29/11/2018 09:37

Thanks Random

Oh, I'm OK. Getting there. Lots to be positive about, but still struggling with my MH. Getting LOTS of support (they have been brilliant).

I filled in the form - moved him down to 4th and crossed out his incorrect address (his mobile is still correct), and told the admin office lady (who takes no shit and has got the measure of him!). She just shrugged and said 'it's up to him'.

I haven't heard a single thing from ex for months. I do periodically raise the issue with DS2, but he shuts down.

If I was ex I'd be writing to him every single week - nothing heavy, just news and chat. What a twat.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/11/2018 10:16

So glad you are getting lots of support and that the school staff have the measure of him 🤣 give themselves enough rope and they hang themselves....

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 02/12/2018 21:35

So today's little surprise was a hand-delivered letter from ex to DS2 that ex popped through the door. We must have been in when he came to the house. WTF is he doing here?

Anyway, it's asking DS2 to go with him to London (biking) for a few days.

DS hasn't seen his Dad since May and has made it clear he doesn't want to. Ex should be suggesting a kick about at the park for an hour or just going to watch one of his footie matches.

DS just shut down.

Interestingly DS opened up to me today (before the letter arrived) about how he felt about cycling with me. He said he liked it, but it reminded him of being with Dad and how horrible that was. I was so sad for him, reassured that he could tell me and bloody frustrated that we couldn't go on our planned ride as I haven't done any exercise since Thursday and frankly I'm going a bit crazy.

I actually feeling pretty crap about being a single Mum right now. It's hard work and I'm tired.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/12/2018 22:03

ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks

Yes it is very hard work!

Ex will never get it as he can't see his son's needs to desires... only his own!

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 03/12/2018 06:38

I just woke from the most vivid dream that ex moved back in and I didnt or couldn't stop him. I feel REALLY shaken.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 03/12/2018 08:03

Is this an OK email to send to ex?

Hello,

DS got your note. You didn't put any dates on it.
Regardless, he is reluctant as he hasn't seen you for so long.
I raise the issue periodically.

He suggested that you come and watch him either at footie training on a Tuesday evening or come to a match.
xxxxxx, away 10am KO 8th Dec
xxxxx, home 10am KO 15th Dec

Please can you let me know.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/12/2018 08:09

Hmmm

I would tweak it tbh

DS is reluctant to see you at all as it has been so long, he has suggested that you...

I raise seeing you with DS periodically and he is clear that he did not at all enjoy cycling with you.

RandomMess · 03/12/2018 08:10

Actually I would use "very" reluctant to see you.

You shouldn't be sugar coating the truth...

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 03/12/2018 09:08

Thank you. Let's see if/how he replies.

I am in a state.

OP posts:
another20 · 03/12/2018 09:15

Sorry haven’t read the full thread - just wondered if your DS was getting any independent support from a counsellor. It was the shutting down when you raised the letter that concerns me - he doesn’t want to overload you possibly so holds it in

Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 03/12/2018 09:20

He has had some support and he knows it is still available, but doesn't want to take it up at the moment. I don't want to push him.

He is actually pretty good at opening up to me. I think it's more that I need some advice from children's services. I don't know how far I should go in trying to get him to see his Dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigFV45 · 05/12/2018 17:10

No reply from ex yet.

Saw psychologist today and we talked about how it makes me feel when I'm waiting for a reply (or no reply) from ex and the anticipation of what he'll say. Also how it made me feel when he came to the house and the subsequent bad dream.

It was useful.

OP posts:
seahorse85 · 10/12/2018 07:05

Hi FV

I've posted on your threads under a different name and have followed it from the start.

He obviously still makes you anxious - and sounds like talking about it is the best thing. Remember it's only text or email and can't hurt you (I'm saying that and sometimes feel just the same about contact with my ex, so I do understand!)

Your ds has been able to do what makes him feel safe and happy, and that's a credit to you.

KoKo.

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