Is he trying to rub salt in my wounds?

[TakeTwoOfThat]

So many might have read the threads ive been writing about my husband..

A BIT OF A BACK STORY.

I recently found out he had text a random woman off the internet and then sent money to another. He blamed me saying I caused him to do it because of my 'behaviour' so we had a massive row and he slept in the car, he said sorry after a few days and we sat down and both agreed to made changes. we was getting on better apart from the fact I struggled to trust him when he went out or to the gym alone and he expected me to trust him again in a day.

Then fast forward to Tuesday this week, he said he had to go take something to his cousin to pack in his suitcase as he was going back home. he said he would go to the gym straight after. He was gone 3 hours and didn't even message me when he will be back (he usually messages me that hes in the gym) but he didn't so I rang him and text and he ignored me. Then a few minutes later he said he went for a beer with his cousin then to the gym (who goes to the pub in gym clothes?)but I didn't believe him because he acted odd before he left like he was hiding something then I rang my uncle (his cousin was staying with my uncle) to see whether his story matches up and according to my uncle and his cousin, he didn't even go for a beer and just dropped off the items that's it. Then when I asked my husband where he really was he couldn't answer and just kept saying with his cousin

So then Tuesday my husband said hes leaving me and comes amd collects his belongings (but he leaves a few things in his wardrobe and drawers) he swears on his kids lives that he will never get back with me (so I know he really is leaving me as he wouldn't say that if he wasn't certain) Any he calls in to see kids over next couple of days and keeps taking random stuff from his wardrobe and drawers, Is he messing with my head as he could have took it all at once. Then today he text me saying he wanted to come and say night to the kids so I agreed, he came around 7 and stayed about half an hour and went into my freezer looking for a frozen meal I made days ago, then he looks In my cupboard. Then he goes up to put my son to bed and I follow up to say night to my son like we do every night.. I lie on my bed and he walks out of our room (my son is in my room) and then turns back comes in and mumbles (what else do I need from here?) and takes one white tshirt....yes one tshirt that I think he doesn't even like anymore and walks out of the house and doesn't say bye, Is he doing this to torment me? to rub salt in my wounds? he knows I deeply love him and I feel like hes rubbing it in my face that hes left me

is this normal behaviour for somone whoes just left their wife?

He’s an arsehole! Pack up all the remaining items and put them in a black bag. How are you feeling about the break-up? Would you ever want him back?

Pack all his stuff, tell him it’s outsode the door and come and collect it. Them tell him when he can come and collect your dc, eow or when it suits you.Stop letting him into the house!

@Jenny1989
Im devastated . We were together 13 years and I'm finding it hard as now I'm doing everything on my own. I also feel sick and I can't eat, my body just won't allow food in because of the stress and I have had 3 hours sleep in 2 days. When he comes over to see the kids my heart races and feels heavy. I don't know how I'll get over this

@Thebluedog thank you

Yes I find it odd that he wants to come at random times, I need to tell him certain days and that's jt.

He's off Saturday and Sunday so I know he will take the kids out somewhere and I'll be at home and we used to go out as a family and now we won't and I'm dreading it as it will hurt seeing them go out without me. Sounds silly but I can't get over all the memories. It's killing me

Yes, this is normal behaviour for an abusive man who is trying to torment his wife.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I agree with the suggestion to pack up the rest of his stuff and leave it out for him to collect. You need to take back some control of what happens in your life next. At the moment this is his way of saying, "I am still in control, your feelings don't matter, I can do what I want".

It is cruel, manipulative behaviour. Do you have any other sources of support to help you through this?

I can't know how much pain you're feeling now, but if you can try and remember that this is a period of adjustment - and you will come out the other side of it. If you can find small ways to take back a bit of control over your life it will ease the shock and sense of powerless. It doesn't have to be big things (other than removing all his stuff so he can't keep playing with you).

It's not silly to be struggling with memories. This is a form of grief. Your mind is probably raking through the memories to try and make sense of what's happened. Like a big, upsetting jigsaw puzzle.

I'd also suggest you see a solicitor. Protect yourself and plan for what happens next. Knowledge is power, gather as much as you can. You don't have to act on it immediately, but knowing where you stand and what's ahead will probably ease some of your fear of the uncertainty you're feeling.

Be gentle with yourself You will get through this.

13 years is a long time!! However, you won’t feel like this for ever. Try take back some control from him, however small. First step would deffo be to pack whatever is left of his stuff. If nothing else it will send him a clear message that you won’t put up with the games. Have you been to your GP to get something to help you sleep? Do you have support from girlfriends? X

Today when he came this morning because he wanted to take my girls to school he then cane back after that and said he wanted to take our 2 year old out, I said no because I had to go to do some food shopping and he said 'don't stop me From seeing my kids do this the easy way or the hard way'
I said I didn't want him to take him as everyone is still raw and I just wanted my son close to me. He then offered to take me shopping in the car and I said why would you do that when you have just ended our marriage and he said ' well it's for my kids and I don't mind for my kids'

Does someone whose just ended their marriage offer to take them shopping
I feel like he's messing with me

He IS messing with you. He left thinking that you would be begging for him to come back, giving him a stronger position to control you in future. You haven't done that so now he is using excuses for you to see him to give you the opportunity to beg.

Pack his stuff up, agree times that he can call round to see the DCs and take back control for your life. He will soon start trying a different tactic when he sees this one not working.

@MayhemandMadness01 I'm ashamed to admit it that I did beg the first day he came to see the kids, I was a mess and couldn't see a way forward but he was adamant there was no way back. He sat and let me begged and showed no emotion. Then I thought, I'm not begging anymore, and I havnt text him all day or called him. And then at 7 he texted me asking to see the kids and that's when he started taking his other stuff.

I also asked him is we are definitely over and there no way we will get back together because I need to sort stuff out like financies ( Im a SAHM só I feel very vulnerable about money at the moment) and he said 'I don't know I don't know the future'
So in one breath he said he's never coming back and the next when I ask him if there's a chance we would ever get back together he said 'I don't know the future' I feel really sad

I think you are, justifiably, very sad at the moment. And in shock.

If you can manage it, put your energy into protecting yourself from his random drop ins. Is there someone who can stay with you for a few days, to support you? It will make it harder for him to run his strategy of tipping you off balance.

In a short time, you are going to start feeling less sad and powerless and nostalgic. You will likely get angry. You can get a lot of practical things done when that happens. Talk to a solicitor, find out if you can change the locks, check what financial help you are entitled to, etc.

Look after yourself, dear. Better days are ahead.

Definitely don't beg or plead any more please!
I have been in your situation exactly its heartbreaking and I was the same couldn't eat, sleep heart palpitations when he came to pick the kids up.
But you HAVE to give the distance/no feelings front to protect yourself. He is one step In front of you and there may well be a OW ..sorry.
He is getting off on seeing you miserable, as soon as I stopped crying, put my makeup on, and started making plans, financial orders, not ringing him but short texts to do with the kids , well you could see the amazement in him that I could survive without him.
Wether you have him back or he doesn't come back get strong, have dignity and Ivan guarantee six months down the line you will be thankful he's gone and a new, stronger woman.

Thank you all again.

I won't be begging anymore, makes me look weak. I do suspect and OW. He says there isn't but I think there is. I'm hoping to get past this, it's horrible at the moment.

@babycow38 I'm sorry you went through the same thing, but I'm glad you came out of the other side. I'm hoping I can to and I want to be stronger.

You'll get there, I kicked my ex out but the aftermath of it all was still horrific to live through and having to see him when he saw the kids.

Pack his stuff up in a bin bag and leave it by the door, I wouldn't even text him to say it's there just point it out next time he sees the kids. If he starts to go though the fridge and cupboards just say there's nothing for you in there.

It's also time for him to start seeing the children away from the house, he left so he has no right to keep wandering around like he still lives there.

Good luck, it does get easier

You absolutely will, it took me the best part of two years but I now look back and think the only thing I would like to change is how I begged and was crippled by thoughts of passed family time. Guess what, my family are great now thriving in fact. You just have to protect you and your babies. Lots of love to you x

I second the not letting him come and go as he pleases, its YOUR house now,he has chosen to leave, the cheeky fucker can't come in and trample over you, going in your fridge WTF?

I agree with the others OP. Take control. Get his stuff out the house and set some boundaries. You might not be allowed to change the locks but he doesn't get to wander round your house however he pleases. See a solicitor. I'm sorry your hurting. It must feel horrid. But take everything a day at a time, and you will feel stronger (and probably angrier) as each day passes. You can totally do this.

he said 'don't stop me From seeing my kids do this the easy way or the hard way'

So next time you'll be ready to say 'No one is stopping you from seeing your kids but you don't just get to walk in and do that whenever now you've left. It's not all about you'. Make a plan for taking the kids somewhere yourself on Saturday or Sunday, even if it's just to the park, so you're not just waiting to be left behind the whole time. You can do it.

Probably ow. And it is horrid. You need to make boundaries though. It's a long haul ahead and he is playing you like a fiddle.

Your mission today is to go round your house and pack his things up. You are NOT going to dwardle on the past, just simply pick something up and put it in a bag. Then put the bag in a cupboard until he next comes round and when he is leaving, simply hand it to him. If you text for him to come and collect it, then he will have had time to think about how to make you feel bad and do this on his way out so you don't give him opportunity to start saying things.

Your mission for tomorrow is to get legal and financial advice. Make appts with solicitors and your local welfare rights team to see what you may be entitled to.

Go to a solicitor and get some legal and financial advice so he doesn't screw you over while you're still reeling.

Pack his stuff up and put a chain in the door so he can't just walk in. You have the right of quiet enjoyment of your home, which means, he doesn't get to walk in and help himself to things now he's left.

For access to the dc, he doesn't get to see them whenever he feels like turning up, he needs to have set days and times. (He also doesn't get the pick of the best times like every weekend - it needs to work for you and the dc too. You're not stopping him see his kids, that's emotional blackmail, and he doesn't get to have it all his way.)

Stand up for yourself, op, collapse when he can't see you.

agree with the others. Pretty cheeky to think he can just show up whenever he pleases.

Definitely talk to a solicitor straight away.

Pack up his stuff in black bags and drop them off where he s staying.
Arrange set days and times for him to see the kids.
ask for the keys back. He doesn't live there anymore. and get a chain for the door to stop him from just wandering in when he feels like it.

Once you have the visitation days and times set, there is no reason for him to call you. If your kids are in school, have him get them a cheap cell phone so he call call them directly.

Oh and don't have sex with this piece of crap.

Most important here are your kids.

It's giving them mixed messages that some of his things are still in the house - has he moved out or not? So you're gathering up his stuff & storing it out of the way FOR THEM. You'll give it to him as he leaves the house in a low-key way. FOR THEM.

You want to organise a schedule of when the kids will see their dad. FOR THEM. So you can reassure them: you'll see dad tomorrow. Dad is picking you up at 10am Saturday morning and you'll be back in time to sleep in your bed. THEY need the stability.

You've stopped begging: well done!
You've worked out his behaviour isn't working for you: well done.
Now it's time to take control of your life & your home and plan for the future.

You can absolutely do this - and your kids will thank you for it in the long run.

He’s keeping one foot in the door In case he wants to come back which isn’t fair on you at all. You’ll be in a constant state of inbalence and won’t be able to move on or start to heal. You need to start to take control. If he’s said it’s over believe him. Pack his stuff up. Tell him to collect it and then tell him convenient times and days he can see the dc. He can’t just turn up when it’s convenient to him. You and the dc need routine. Also see a solicitor and sort out what child maint your entitled to and any benefits etc now you are a single parent.

If theres any chance to save your marrige (if you want that) then he needs to feel the cold reality of what’s he’s doing will feel like going forward.