Is he trying to rub salt in my wounds?

[TakeTwoOfThat]

So many might have read the threads ive been writing about my husband..

A BIT OF A BACK STORY.

I recently found out he had text a random woman off the internet and then sent money to another. He blamed me saying I caused him to do it because of my 'behaviour' so we had a massive row and he slept in the car, he said sorry after a few days and we sat down and both agreed to made changes. we was getting on better apart from the fact I struggled to trust him when he went out or to the gym alone and he expected me to trust him again in a day.

Then fast forward to Tuesday this week, he said he had to go take something to his cousin to pack in his suitcase as he was going back home. he said he would go to the gym straight after. He was gone 3 hours and didn't even message me when he will be back (he usually messages me that hes in the gym) but he didn't so I rang him and text and he ignored me. Then a few minutes later he said he went for a beer with his cousin then to the gym (who goes to the pub in gym clothes?)but I didn't believe him because he acted odd before he left like he was hiding something then I rang my uncle (his cousin was staying with my uncle) to see whether his story matches up and according to my uncle and his cousin, he didn't even go for a beer and just dropped off the items that's it. Then when I asked my husband where he really was he couldn't answer and just kept saying with his cousin

So then Tuesday my husband said hes leaving me and comes amd collects his belongings (but he leaves a few things in his wardrobe and drawers) he swears on his kids lives that he will never get back with me (so I know he really is leaving me as he wouldn't say that if he wasn't certain) Any he calls in to see kids over next couple of days and keeps taking random stuff from his wardrobe and drawers, Is he messing with my head as he could have took it all at once. Then today he text me saying he wanted to come and say night to the kids so I agreed, he came around 7 and stayed about half an hour and went into my freezer looking for a frozen meal I made days ago, then he looks In my cupboard. Then he goes up to put my son to bed and I follow up to say night to my son like we do every night.. I lie on my bed and he walks out of our room (my son is in my room) and then turns back comes in and mumbles (what else do I need from here?) and takes one white tshirt....yes one tshirt that I think he doesn't even like anymore and walks out of the house and doesn't say bye, Is he doing this to torment me? to rub salt in my wounds? he knows I deeply love him and I feel like hes rubbing it in my face that hes left me

is this normal behaviour for somone whoes just left their wife?

He's said that before- it makes him leaving/having someone else/ being a failure seem better if it's not his fault. Get mad. Tell him he was useless, still is. Give him days when he has the kids morning to night, let him have some of the hard times, don't let him just swam in for an hour then go out with his "friend". STOP BEING SO NICE TO HIM.

Dont get angry. Get revenge and the best revenge on someone luke that is a life well lived.
Focus on you.
I know its hard but focus on you and the kids. Make a plan for your future without him and stick to it.

He's a cheat and a liar. Don't listen to a word he says. It will all be lies calculated to make you feel bad.

He's just said to me today that it's all my fault.

FUCK THAT!!! I am furious on your behalf!!!!! Tell him to stay the fuck out of YOUR HOME.

He said because I used to ask him to text me when he gets to work and because I didn't like him going out at night and because I used to accuse him of cheating but I only did this because he constantly text women behind my back. He also said because he's been trying to 'fix' me for years and it's 'not worked' saying because of my low confidence and all that. He's basically said it's not 'normal' for him to do these things so it's basically me who has pushed him to do it. I feel like I'm going to struggle to get passed this because of the fact he sees it as all my fault

BUT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

He is a twisted bastard and he knows how to get inside your head and make you doubt yourself, this is exactly what he is doing right now. He doesn't think it's your fault really, he's just telling you that to f*ck with you.

Please break this pattern or you're still going to be feeling like this in a year's time. Do you really want that?

Op from day 1 of your relationship where you doing this or did it evolve over time when little thigs happened to make you suspicious?
If the latter then no its not your low confidence that needed to be fixed it was his selfish arse backwards behaviour that he needed to get in check

No i didn't do it from day one, only since I was suspicious of Him from his actions. I was only 17 when I met him and he was 9 years older. I feel like I was too young for him at the time and he took advantage

He is a cheat. He caused this and is blaming you. He should have been down on his knees begging you for forgiveness instead of hurling insults at you.

Since then you have let him treat you like a doormat. What type of man spends money on restaurants and holidays presumably with other woman while his wife struggles with his 5 kids?

It is a tale as old as time but the more you beg and cling the harder he will kick back at you. Get some self respect and he will be back with his tail between his legs. Stop allowing him to treat you like a door mat. You have to start setting some boundaries. All his belongings out. He has to pay CMS. No more seeing the kids in your home. No more texts/calls about the kids. He has to set up a schedule to see the children and stick to it. You will be contacting a solicitor.
Do not engage in any discussion with him about your relationship. He will just use it as a stick to beat you with.

Take control. You can do this.

In that case you must ind it deep down in yourself to recognise that you do not need to be "fixed"
Have you thought about counselling for yourself?
Keeping a thread"diary" so to speak can be helpfull to process things but talking with a trained counseller might gelp you do it a lot better

Yes I was thinking of counselling. Would my GP able to help with that. I couldn't afford private?

My 11 years old daughter said to me this morning
'Daddy must not love us? Did he leave because we were not clever enough?

Heartbreaking he doesn't realise what he's done

She said 'will daddy meet a new wife and forget us
It's awful

Yes you can get it via your gp.
If not depending on where you live there may be a number of low cost services which are generally free to those on benefits.

You need to be clear with your children otherwise this will really effect them. There are a number of books which deal with family break up for kids from one called two homes, bears divorce etc for the very young to jackline wilson books like the suitcase kid which might suit your 11 yr old.
Just reasure then that its not about them sometimes adults just dont get along. He however needs to be the one that answers these questions.

Depending in the school you could also speak to them. Some schools have family support staff who can work with kids using art therapy etc to help them process the trauma.
Please access what help you can in real life there is a lot of support out there for single parents both emotional and practical.
Gingerbread and family lives are two that I know of if you are i the uk, but Im sure others could suggest more.

@Nellia thanks I will see my GP on Monday first thing and I will look into getting some of those books and sitting my children down.

I don't know why but it's really getting to me that he took a woman out on a date 1 week after ending our marriage and leaving. Is this what people do? I don't know why but it's there niggling at me and I can't get it to go away. He said it's none of my business who he took out. I'm just gonna have to try to keep busy got forget it. I'm all fine until the thought of seeing him with another woman making him happy when he says I never did just kills me inside...

Of course its getting to you that is a normal feeling and to be expected. You just have to let it wash over you untill the feeling stops.
A day will come when it doesnt hurt but it will be a long time off so just pace yourself and accept it. You have a right to grieve.

Yes people do that all the time. And when you go out about your business when he has the children you can tell him what you do is none of his concern also.

It just gets worse!

He came to take them out.

He just made snide comments again like 'you better be more savvy now Because I won't have any money to give you l'

Then said 'at the moment I'm helping with the kids and seeing them but your gonna be fully on your own soon and then you will appreciate what you had then'

So he's got plans to leave me and the kids for good. And not even see the kids by that sentence.

Im just so drained

Have you seen a solicitor yet?

@category12 I am trying to find one that offer free consultations near me. I have no idea where to start or the cost of it all!

Ok so I've decided. I want to get me and my kids away for a few days just to get over the stress of the last few weeks. I have never been away anyway alone with my kids without my 'husband' and I want to prove to myself I can do it and I can do challenging things, I honestly feel it would be the making of me but the problem is I don't drive and I don't know anyone who drives with a big enough car, I have 5 kids. Does anyone know any ideas on which places I could take them to ( nothing expensive as once money is sorted I won't have a lot) or just some general ideas where I can go away from the home for a bit away from him. Just to get bit of complete space from him where I he will not be able to see is for a few days. I don't really have anyone to help me so I will be going it alone. Anyone have any ideas?

Train to nice location and then camp?

Google 'family solicitors nameofyourarea' and ring them and ask if they do a free initial consultation or chat on the phone. I had a very helpful conversation for nothing that way. Re the holiday, if we have an idea of your general location (North/south even) people might have suggestions? London or major seaside resorts will always be fairly easy to get to on the train. I have a couple more things to say but I'll DM you when I get chance. You're doing so well.

I'm not in the UK, so can't help with ideas, but perhaps it might be helpful to say approximately where you are so others can suggest getaways that may not involve great distances to travel.

Also, 'staycations' can be great fun. A few days of 'loosening rules' with 'junky' food, no strict bedtimes, and lots of telly and games can work wonders. And if you have a local 'fun spot', include a visit there too. In our 'lean years' we couldn't afford holidays, but we'd have a few days of relaxing the rules, spending a day at a lake nearby, BBQ or takeaway, 'picnics' in the living room (i.e. eating on the floor), sweets for pudding, and lots of movies (this was back in the VHS rental shop days).

What a fucking prick! He doesn’t get to just walk out and not pay towards his kids. It doesn’t work like that! What a wanker!!

See a solicitor as soon as OP, and take this tosser to the cleaners!

Gingerbread and family lives telephone line can direct you to free consultation for legal advice.
As others have said, hard to suggest locations without knowing which part of the country you are in.
However YMCA and Real Family Holidays have venues throughout the UK which are cheap, clean and safe with lots of green/beach access space for kids to run free while you zone out for a bit. Gingerbread also list others, some aimed at single parents on benefits who need respite.
Your husband is just worried because you clearly do not appear as broken down as he would like. What he is doing is called emotional abuse. I suspect he wants you but only if you are controlled submisive and miserable.
Each time he makes a dig just say thank you for showing me who you are and why im better of alone. He will soon stop.

If he's anything like my ex
Don't expect that just because you were left in the lurch to hold everything together that he will appreciate anything you do.
Just expect blame, lack of empathy and a complete lack of appreciation and sounds like -
....blah blah blah....your fault....blah blah blah ....your fault..
There will never be praise or admiration from him for your hard work with the kids because it's totally taken for granted.
Build your own life apart from him and don't take what he says to heart.