Is he trying to rub salt in my wounds?

[TakeTwoOfThat]

So many might have read the threads ive been writing about my husband..

A BIT OF A BACK STORY.

I recently found out he had text a random woman off the internet and then sent money to another. He blamed me saying I caused him to do it because of my 'behaviour' so we had a massive row and he slept in the car, he said sorry after a few days and we sat down and both agreed to made changes. we was getting on better apart from the fact I struggled to trust him when he went out or to the gym alone and he expected me to trust him again in a day.

Then fast forward to Tuesday this week, he said he had to go take something to his cousin to pack in his suitcase as he was going back home. he said he would go to the gym straight after. He was gone 3 hours and didn't even message me when he will be back (he usually messages me that hes in the gym) but he didn't so I rang him and text and he ignored me. Then a few minutes later he said he went for a beer with his cousin then to the gym (who goes to the pub in gym clothes?)but I didn't believe him because he acted odd before he left like he was hiding something then I rang my uncle (his cousin was staying with my uncle) to see whether his story matches up and according to my uncle and his cousin, he didn't even go for a beer and just dropped off the items that's it. Then when I asked my husband where he really was he couldn't answer and just kept saying with his cousin

So then Tuesday my husband said hes leaving me and comes amd collects his belongings (but he leaves a few things in his wardrobe and drawers) he swears on his kids lives that he will never get back with me (so I know he really is leaving me as he wouldn't say that if he wasn't certain) Any he calls in to see kids over next couple of days and keeps taking random stuff from his wardrobe and drawers, Is he messing with my head as he could have took it all at once. Then today he text me saying he wanted to come and say night to the kids so I agreed, he came around 7 and stayed about half an hour and went into my freezer looking for a frozen meal I made days ago, then he looks In my cupboard. Then he goes up to put my son to bed and I follow up to say night to my son like we do every night.. I lie on my bed and he walks out of our room (my son is in my room) and then turns back comes in and mumbles (what else do I need from here?) and takes one white tshirt....yes one tshirt that I think he doesn't even like anymore and walks out of the house and doesn't say bye, Is he doing this to torment me? to rub salt in my wounds? he knows I deeply love him and I feel like hes rubbing it in my face that hes left me

is this normal behaviour for somone whoes just left their wife?

Thanks again everyone. I'm going to pack up all his stuff he's left and he can dispose or keep as he wishes. He text me this morning asking me how the school run was.. like why??? I also put a status of myself of what's app and he 'viewed it' as it showed viewed by him where as he wasn't Doing that when he first left so I think he's just trying to mess with me. He's on a night shift tonight and finishes at 10 tomorrow so I know he will want to take them out which I'm dreading because I feel he will use them to torment me as well! I'm just gonna have to be strong

If you dont feel up to him taking the kids tomorrow send him a text

‘Exh, I’ve made plans with the dc this weekend. You can see them on X day, between X times this week. Please email me your preferred dates and times for regular access and I’ll email you back with my proposal so we can agree a regular time and day to enable stability for the dc. Please arrange alternative locations for this as it’s no longer convenient for you to see them in the house. I’ve also bagged up your remaining possessions and they will available for you to collect when you collect the dc on X day.
Please give me fair warning if you are coming to the house as this is my home, and as we are now separated, it’s not appropriate that you come and go without my prior authorisation.

Start to treat it as a business arrangement. Is it a joint mortgage / tenancy agreement?

Also start applying for any benefits you are due and go to the CMS to get that process under way.

Don't hang around for him to decide how, when and what is going to happen next he has lost that privilege by walking out on his family. You job is now to look after and protect yourself and your dc.

Meant to add start taking copies of all financial paper work, hide yours and your dc birth certificates and passports and your marriage certificate you may need this later on if you decide to get divorced. I'm sure some one can give a better list then that of what you may need to have.

Thebluedog's text is good. Take control, op.

I'm worried about financial side of things as I claim child tax credits and child benefit for 5 children based on his wage so when I go from my joint claim I'm scared I will be in universal credit and I'll lose money for 3 of my kids ( due to the 2 child rule) although all my Children where born before the rules came into force do not sure if I'm 'protected' or not. Also the long wait of 6 weeks I've heard it's the wait and my rent is due this week that he used to pay as I'm a SAHM. My youngest is 2. I'm really worried.

He's now text me asking how is son is and I said he's fine and kept it brief.. then he asked if he's had his daily nap. I said yes when he was In his Pram whilst I was out. He said said 'out where?' 'On the school run?'

Then he asked whether he could call in during his work hours at 6.30 tonight! I ignored that request and just moved the convo to talk about our son. I don't know what he's trying to do here!!! But he's upsetting me, I'm trying to avoid it. I think he wants to come tonight coz he won't see them tomorrow in his day off, I recon he's out somewhere tomorrow with his OW or just trying to make me think he's got this perfect life on a Saturday! Argggg
I'm staying calm

He wants the best of both worlds. His freedom and a cozy domestic scene he can pop in and out of whenever he feels like it. Is he trying to torture you or is he just an unthinking, selfish prat? Who knows and really, it isn't important why he's doing it, what's important is that you take charge and turn the situation to something that 'works' for you and the children.

The first thing you need to do is seek support within your family and friends. Find someone to lean on. Then you need to see a solicitor. And remember that he will have to pay child maintenance, the sooner you can get that started the better.

I know it's hard, but keep your pride and dignity, no matter what he says or does. You'll be glad you did in the end.

Take control Op

Take control. It doesn’t work like this when he can come and go as he pleases, there’s no structure or routine for the kids. You need to agree set days that he takes the kids out on his own to stay at his home. He’s messing with you, he knows your vulnerable, he knows you will struggle financially, he’s making it so you have no free time for yourself becuase he doesn’t want you to have a life he wants you to be trapped alone while he goes out doing what he likes.

You also need to tell him he needs to start paying maintenance ASAP if he’s doesnt then go to CSA. There’s an online calculator to show what he should be paying you.

For universal credits as long as the kids are born before a certain date (think it’s 2017) then you will be able to carry on with tax credits but make sure you sort out a single claim you will get a lot more. Maybe do it once you’ve paid the rent becuase they will backdate it for you

Thanks again for your practical advice.

I've just texted him ( out of interest as I wanted to see his response)

I said 'is our marriage completely over and there is no way of us ever getting back together because I think this is the time to answer so we can make proper practical arrangements'

His response: ' I can't say no or yes but possibly, lets see what time teaches us'

Me: how much time

His response: pointless question, it's too soon.

So where does that leave a person?

So he expects you to wait around hoping he'll come back. basically.

And you're going to do that, are you?

I recommend you don't. I think you should move ahead as if it's definitely over, even if you do want to have him back however much of a shit he is. Make him feel the reality of splitting up, make him understand what he's losing. Set-times to see the kids, his stuff out of the house, not being able to walk in and out of the house, etc. Appear strong and sorted and not to need him.

You are more likely to have him rushing back if you take control. Tell him he no longer gets to decide. The text pp posted is ideal.

However you may decide he’s an arse and you are worth far more.

If you leave the door open he will take advantage. Bet he’s not doting daddy tomorrow night if you want to go out.

@category12 no I'm not going to do that. That's just not healthy or wise at all, I just wanted to see his reaction really. I find it unfair him expecting me to wait and then what if he decides he doesn't want me and gives me a firm no? He wants to take the kids out tomorrow so I'm going to have to be strong then. I just feel uneasy him taking them out because if I text him about the kids he will deliberately ignore me. But my 2 older daughters have phones so I'll just contact the to see how things are.

@43percentburnt I would try that if I had money and friends but I have none but love to his see his reaction to me going out.

I'm glad you're not.

And with him taking the kids out - you don't really need to be in touch. He's their parent, he will take care of them and they'll be fine. Fill the time with something - whether packing up his shit or going for a run or re-decorating a room or all the housework until you're exhausted or reading a book, whatever.

Feel for you op.
Hes playing you.
You caught him out in a lie that he wasnt willing to face up to so instead he left to deflect things back onto you. Im sure that in his mind hes teaching you a lesson.

If you notice instead of him being forced to explain about ow its now about whether he feels like comming back. The crack about you stopping him from seeing his kids is a way to put you in a box.
"oh shes one of those women using kids to manipulate poor old me"
is a way to jusify contact to the ow if there is one. Its a game of stratagy and he is winning. He is laying the ground work to come back on his terms where you will have to eat whatever crap he feels like shovelling your way. Believe me the second he feels like he has you completely beaten down he will come back on his own terms and say he had to do it for the kids.
Learn well the lesson but not what he teaches.
Learn that you are an individual with rights to expect more out of life than what he is offering. End it yourself and move on you dont need his permission to say you are done.
What you thought you had is not what youve got.
It will hurt for a while, you will struggle for a while in a practical sense but then you will look back and be proud of all youve achieved without him and who youve become.
If you after all that still want him back you will be strong enough to negotiate your terms because you wont settle for anything less.x

Take control. Pack his stuff up so he doesn't need to keep coming back for things. (Doesn't matter if he hasn't got anywhere for it, not your problem). Get advice- find out where you'd be financially and what you'd need to pay etc. Try and find out what he'd have to pay you minimum. Give him set days that he can have/visit the kids. Make one a weekend when he might want to be out and about with another woman. If he texts tell him you don't want contact apart from the days you've decided- you need space. And finally tell him "time will tell" is not a reasonable answer- he has x days to decide and if not you will take legal advice as you can't live your life dangling on a string while he sorts his head out.

If he doesn't step up then he's not good enough for you and your family anyway. It will hurt, but taking control back is one of the first steps towards getting yourself in a better place.

Oh God stop asking him that! Answer it for yourself. He's an arsehole and you need to formalise things without him.

He doesn't love you or care about you. Take yourself off the plate, bag up his things, calculate the amount he owes via cms calculator and start asking for it.

Set an EOW contact schedule and deliver the kids to him on the front doorstep.

FYI
You won't loose your tax credits as your children were born before April 2017.

Claim separate, pack his stuff & give him EOW. Ask him what time he wants to pick up and drop off. Give him his stuff and ignore any future text from him hanging you on a string.

If he tries send him this.

The only thing I am willing to discuss with you from here on out is; set times, days and child support. You are no longer welcome in my house and I know longer wish to discuss our relationship. If you don't like these terms you are welcome to seek advice from a solicitor. Anything you wish to know about the children's schooling is your responsibility to find out.
Your belongings will be made available to collect when you come to collect the children for your contact.
I am moving on with my life, so suggest you do the same.

Then every time he tries to steer the conversation away from anything other than issues outlined, you send the same messages as above.

Rinse repeat.
Take control OP!

no longer*

He's waiting to see if it pans out with OW and keeping you strung along in the background just in case.

If he does come back to you, his plan b, it's only a matter of time before it happens again.

I'm really sorry you're in this awful situation, and he's such a twat he's willing to hurt you this much just to make sure you're still pining after him. It's grim.

Sorry to be the one to say it, but could he be using prostitutes? I only ask because his behaviour matches my partner's, who I truly believed would never ever be that person. The contact with the other random women, sending money, the way he acts and speaks, and lying about what he's doing when he ignores you are huge red flags.

If you're able to check cash withdrawals I would do so, and also get an STI test. You can buy them online if you're worried about having to speak to someone (though you shouldn't be, I can understand why you might).

Really sorry this is so horrid for you.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your comments. He's always been dead set against prostitutes but now you have mentioned it.. maybe it could be a possibility with the money scenario. But on the bank transfer to this woman he put the reference as ' borrow' so not sure what the hell went on. I just don't see how it's fair that he got to mess around and lie and then he gets to decide the marriage is over, he gets to leave.. like he has all the control and I find that unfair.