Is he trying to rub salt in my wounds?

[TakeTwoOfThat]

So many might have read the threads ive been writing about my husband..

A BIT OF A BACK STORY.

I recently found out he had text a random woman off the internet and then sent money to another. He blamed me saying I caused him to do it because of my 'behaviour' so we had a massive row and he slept in the car, he said sorry after a few days and we sat down and both agreed to made changes. we was getting on better apart from the fact I struggled to trust him when he went out or to the gym alone and he expected me to trust him again in a day.

Then fast forward to Tuesday this week, he said he had to go take something to his cousin to pack in his suitcase as he was going back home. he said he would go to the gym straight after. He was gone 3 hours and didn't even message me when he will be back (he usually messages me that hes in the gym) but he didn't so I rang him and text and he ignored me. Then a few minutes later he said he went for a beer with his cousin then to the gym (who goes to the pub in gym clothes?)but I didn't believe him because he acted odd before he left like he was hiding something then I rang my uncle (his cousin was staying with my uncle) to see whether his story matches up and according to my uncle and his cousin, he didn't even go for a beer and just dropped off the items that's it. Then when I asked my husband where he really was he couldn't answer and just kept saying with his cousin

So then Tuesday my husband said hes leaving me and comes amd collects his belongings (but he leaves a few things in his wardrobe and drawers) he swears on his kids lives that he will never get back with me (so I know he really is leaving me as he wouldn't say that if he wasn't certain) Any he calls in to see kids over next couple of days and keeps taking random stuff from his wardrobe and drawers, Is he messing with my head as he could have took it all at once. Then today he text me saying he wanted to come and say night to the kids so I agreed, he came around 7 and stayed about half an hour and went into my freezer looking for a frozen meal I made days ago, then he looks In my cupboard. Then he goes up to put my son to bed and I follow up to say night to my son like we do every night.. I lie on my bed and he walks out of our room (my son is in my room) and then turns back comes in and mumbles (what else do I need from here?) and takes one white tshirt....yes one tshirt that I think he doesn't even like anymore and walks out of the house and doesn't say bye, Is he doing this to torment me? to rub salt in my wounds? he knows I deeply love him and I feel like hes rubbing it in my face that hes left me

is this normal behaviour for somone whoes just left their wife?

But OP he would say all that stuff because he has to make you the bad person, not him. He left. He left his kids. You're doing really well under such difficult circumstances. It will get better in time

You need to remind yourself that the truth of the matter is quite the opposite of everything and anything he says!

If you stop and think about things that have happened, things he uses against you, you'll notice that he will begin with "You did/said X Y Z and that made me 1 2 3". But if you think hard and really remember, you're going to find that before you did X Y Z, HE did or said something cruel and uncaring. The things he uses as 'your actions' are, in truth, your reactions to things he said or did. The reason he sounds so 'plausible' is that he really doesn't think he's done anything wrong, so of course he looks at things as your fault. He's completely blind to his own actions, and nothing you say will change that or make him see or accept his part in this. So don't even try. You may as well try to teach a pig to fly. And you'd probably have a better success at that than getting him to see himself truthfully.

You really MUST concentrate on staying off the topic of your marriage or things that have happened. Never mention it. And if he brings it up, you must tell him it's no use going over the past and refuse to discuss. You must not rise to his bait if he starts in on you. Do not respond to texts, put down the phone if you're speaking. If he's in the house, tell him to stop or he must leave. I realize he probably won't but at least you will be trying to put your foot down.

Please he is playing mind games.

You do not control his mind or his hands or his mounth. He does.

He is a child who has fucked up and is refusing to take responsibility for his actions.

He knows he is in the wrong but rather than admit it is playing that tired old game of poor me. That game where he is the victim because it is the easiest role to play.

Its a behaviour that is all to common.

I suspect once he feels you are suitably broken and suseptible to control( and he comes to terms with the fact that the grass is not greener on the other side) he will want to come back.

I suggest you draw you your boundries from now.
Make it clear that you are not putting up with his bullshit and suggest he gets some advice about how to be a real mam if he wants to be treated like one..And by advice I mean counselling.

Ask your self if you want to be with someone incapable of mature adult relationship based around MUTUAL respect.

He went to my daughters school to watch her play yesterday, he came and wanted to say bye to our son as he wouldn't see him for the whole day till the next day as he was on a night shift. I agreed ( he has to knock on the door, he has no keys to the home' so I let him say bye. He then says to me 'we can still have sex, we have until 12'
Can't believe he wanted to use me for sex. When I asked him for a hug at the beginning of all this separation he said 'no I don't want to give you false hope' and he watched me cry. Yet he's willing to have sex with me. Why would he do that? Use his wife of 13 years for sex with no emotion, no affection, and just walk Way like it was gonna be a one night stand. I am struggling to cope with the lack of feelings he has and to fact he's willing to treat me like any other girl he's just met....

Why doesn't he go have sex with a woman who he hasn't just broke up a family and marriage? Someone who wants some no strings sex? Why come to me and ask me?

You need to set some rules and boundaries here. You're letting him control the situation. You will feel better once you feel more in control.

He asked you for sex because another woman would require effort on his part - chatting up, a date or two, payment even.

You, on the other hand, he still considers his and you might just be desperate enough for some sign of affection you'd do it. Especially when as far as he's concerned, you're just waiting around for him to decide if he wants you.

I hope you're angry at him.

Actually ophedidnt ask he assumed you would want to it’s he was of getting sex and keepingyou dangling

How did he respond

Just updating my thread. I'm still trying to get by. I think one minute I'm making process but then the next I'm back crying. Why can't my brain accept it's over, I don't understand why I can't accept it. He keeps saying he needs time but I told him that by the time he's decided if he wants to come home then it will be too late
His response was ' too late like you won't want me back? I don't get why to late'
I don't know what to take from that.

In regards to finances I've applied for benefits but I'm waiting for a response. He paid for one weeks shopping but won't pay for anymore, he said I need to manage in my own and pay the rent and other stuff on my own and 'cut back' whilst he gets his wage and refused to give me any money. He said to me the other day 'you didn't ring the CSA on me did you'

Don't know why he made that comment.

Jesus. Please say you rang the CSA? Why are you letting this dick head walk all over you? How can you love a man who resents supporting his own children? He's just keeping you as an option whilst he does what he wants to do.

He has checked out of the relationship and you need to protect yourself and your kids. He is not your friend.

Looks like he is messing with your head and keeping you dangling so you won't ask for maintenance! He needs to start paying for HIS kids or YES you will contact csa! Give him one chance to pay voluntary and then go straight to csa.
You need to stop having ANY conversations with him that are not about access, and keep even those to a minimum! Stop taking to him about this magical possible return date, what he is doing, what you are doing, where he is sleeping etc. All you're doing is prolonging your own pain and confusion. Pull the plaster off sharp and quick. This picking at it must be agony.
Stop listening, stop reacting, stop believing his bollox! Fake it til you make it!

So basically what he's saying is that he gets to swan off, not support his family, and have fun taking his time deciding what he wants to do. You, on the other hand, get to worry yourself sick about feeding your children and keeping a roof over their heads whilst you put your life on hold waiting for him to decide whether to keep you or kick you to the kerb. Oh yes, and provide him with sex when he can't find a shag. What a bastard!

Just acknowledge your feelings. You love him, fine. You dissolve into tears at times, that's fine too. But that doesn't mean he gets to treat you like shit or neglect his children. Call the CSA, you owe it to your children. They are your first priority.

because he is trying to tell you what he wants you to do - ring the CSA and get the money from him

he just gets worse

you may be better of on benefits with 5 children and his maintanance which dosent count towards any benefits

have you contacted the CMS??

he is seriously tapped and getting a kick out of playing you

ive noticed in your posts that when he contacts or speaks he uses the kids shopping for the kids etc he is using them as a tool to get to you

every time he crosses your mind think of the things he is doing and saying to upset and confuse you

i would play him at his own game and get his curiosity going but its not for everybody and can mess with your head

OP, stop engaging with him. Talk to a solicitor and get a CMS claim going. He should be paying child support at the very least.

I feel like a constant failure. My kids have none stopped argued with each other since he left and don't listen to me. I'm really stressed out. I also made homemade pizzas ( even made the pizza dough) and this is the second time the black colouring from pizza tray has transferred onto the base of the pizza. My kids still ate it but I feel like I can't even make food for them right. I feel like utter crap. I guess it's all just a learning curve

Bloody hell woman, you made homemake pizza base!!! And you're worried about a bit of black? Anything that comes outta my oven without actual flames is a win for me. So that puts you in the amazing chef bracket for me!

You are not a failure. The weasel who fucked off and doesn't want to support his children, now HE is a failure.

I'm not surprised the kids are arguing. They will be picking up on the tension. This is not your fault either.

Have you had any real life support? Have you now contacted the CSA (or is it CMS now?)?

Channel your energy into sorting out the practicalities of him leaving. It will distract you if nothing else. You are worth so much more than this pathetic excuse for a man.

I came onto say exactly what whocansay has said! He's the failure, you're the one holding everything together, whereas he has blown it apart and still is. And yes, you really sound like you need some support around you, someone else to lean on. And you do need to get financial help organised and make sure you're getting what's owed from him.

Thanks again everyone. I really appreciate your support, it means so much to me to have you all here. I don't have anyone in real life that's close to me, it's just me and the kids. My kids are playing up bad at bedtime, they won't sleep till nearly 10/11 at night and I can't relax and they keep my 2 year old up, they didn't do this for him. I'm angry that he gets the easy way out whilst I'm left struggling. I'm waiting for a call back from CSA as when I applied for income support they said they will give me a call in a few days. I told him how hard the kids have been and his response was ' well you should have appreciated and valued me a bit more when I was at home'
And when I told him he will have to help financially his response was 'you will just have to manage, that's what single parents do'
Makes me
Angry!!

Anger is good. Now get that CMS claim done.

Catching up on your thread.
His responses are no suprise.
However still shocked that you are kicking yourself over homemade pizza not turining out quite right.
You are grieving,give yourself a break. I salute the fact that you could do that. It shows strength. When my dh left I barely made it out of bed to the supermarket to buy food and that was only achieved with a friends help.
You are doing so well do not discount the small victories.

Thank you everyone
Yes I need to learn to go easy on myself

He's just told me he's off to Portugal in a few weeks to see family and he's booking himself into a hotel and the lot. Apparently he got a £2000 loan to cover it. So whilst I'm here struggling and unable to cover rent at the moment he's off on Holiday. Someone called him back when he was just about to get the kids and I heard the convo, apparently he put his marital status as 'married'
Yeah married when it suits. I'm going to look for a free consultation with a solicitor because I think divorce is my next step

I think there is someone else. I went into his car to get something for my son that he had left whilst he was at the door with the kids. I had a rummage though out of interest and found a receipt for a restaurant for a meal for 2 and a parking ticket for a park. This is in the day he came to see the kids quickly in the morning and said he was busy for the rest of the day.
He's obviously took someone out. Im heart broken. It's shattered me

I know it's hard, but get angry! How dare he cheat on you? How dare he treat you as so unimportant? Damn him to the depths of hell! You are a good person and you don't deserve to be treated this way!!

You can be heartbroken and still be angry!

He's just said to me today that it's all my fault. That I was like a child to him and I made him do all the stuff he's done. Saying I made is life hard. He doesn't understand that the only reason I didn't trust him was because he constantly lied to me.