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Original poster

Is he trying to rub salt in my wounds?

425 replies

TakeTwoOfThat · 21/06/2018 21:51

So many might have read the threads ive been writing about my husband..

A BIT OF A BACK STORY.

I recently found out he had text a random woman off the internet and then sent money to another. He blamed me saying I caused him to do it because of my 'behaviour' so we had a massive row and he slept in the car, he said sorry after a few days and we sat down and both agreed to made changes. we was getting on better apart from the fact I struggled to trust him when he went out or to the gym alone and he expected me to trust him again in a day.

Then fast forward to Tuesday this week, he said he had to go take something to his cousin to pack in his suitcase as he was going back home. he said he would go to the gym straight after. He was gone 3 hours and didn't even message me when he will be back (he usually messages me that hes in the gym) but he didn't so I rang him and text and he ignored me. Then a few minutes later he said he went for a beer with his cousin then to the gym (who goes to the pub in gym clothes?)but I didn't believe him because he acted odd before he left like he was hiding something then I rang my uncle (his cousin was staying with my uncle) to see whether his story matches up and according to my uncle and his cousin, he didn't even go for a beer and just dropped off the items that's it. Then when I asked my husband where he really was he couldn't answer and just kept saying with his cousin

So then Tuesday my husband said hes leaving me and comes amd collects his belongings (but he leaves a few things in his wardrobe and drawers) he swears on his kids lives that he will never get back with me (so I know he really is leaving me as he wouldn't say that if he wasn't certain) Any he calls in to see kids over next couple of days and keeps taking random stuff from his wardrobe and drawers, Is he messing with my head as he could have took it all at once. Then today he text me saying he wanted to come and say night to the kids so I agreed, he came around 7 and stayed about half an hour and went into my freezer looking for a frozen meal I made days ago, then he looks In my cupboard. Then he goes up to put my son to bed and I follow up to say night to my son like we do every night.. I lie on my bed and he walks out of our room (my son is in my room) and then turns back comes in and mumbles (what else do I need from here?) and takes one white tshirt....yes one tshirt that I think he doesn't even like anymore and walks out of the house and doesn't say bye, Is he doing this to torment me? to rub salt in my wounds? he knows I deeply love him and I feel like hes rubbing it in my face that hes left me

is this normal behaviour for somone whoes just left their wife?

OP posts:
ICESTAR · 30/10/2018 17:16

Oh no don't let him in! Your place of sanctuary will become hell. He doesn't consider you and never has. Don't consider him. If you had asked that of him, he would probably just laugh. Don't offer him kindess when he offers you none.

Your last paragraph says it all. He isn't even being sneaky about what he wants. If what he is saying is getting to you, then do contact via email only. Refuse to discuss anything other than the kids. If he starts, just shut him down and walk away. If he keeps doing it, just repeat the above. He will soon see he can't get to you anymore. Good luck.

Orange6904 · 30/10/2018 17:20

So 'he could have had a house if it wasn't for you' apparently but he can't find somewhere to rent full time?

Don't let him move back in op.

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 30/10/2018 20:52

He seems to think that I'll be happy owning a house with him because 'I'm the only one in my family that owns a house'
He seems to think this is something I SHOULD want. He's deluded

OP posts:
Tunnocks34 · 30/10/2018 21:31

He probably wants to use your tax credits to boost his income to help get a mortgage.

This man is toxic. Did you ever go to a solicitor.

I would seriously block his mobile number, only allow him to contact via an email account set up for the children. Keep everything neutral and jut don’t rise to his bullshit.

CaledonianQueen · 30/10/2018 21:58

This man is still abusing you, he may have left months ago but you are allowing him to continue to abuse you and in turn your dc! You have four daughters and they are learning that this is their future! That they will continually be abused, manipulated and controlled by men and that there is no escape, even when you split it continues!

Have you ever actually made a claim with CSA/ CMS?
Please tell me he is paying you maintenance?
Did you actually make an appointment with a solicitor?
Please tell me you at least have arranged a routine of every other weekend so the kids can have structure and that you don’t drop everything every time he demands to see the kids?

I am honestly so sad and frustrated for you and your babies! What are you afraid of? You can escape this toxic situation! You can teach your daughters that they and you deserve love and respect and that you can escape abusive bullies like their Father!

It’s almost like you keep going back for more to punish yourself!

This man is cruel! He is not a good person! He does not love you or your children! He is a toxic, narcissistic sociopath and he gets kicks out of kicking you when you are down!

You and your babies deserve SO MUCH BETTER!!!! You deserve to be happy!

Look up the freedom program online, do the course online until you can go to the actual course in person!

You can move anywhere, even if it’s half an hour from where your family live, closer is better! I read earlier that you are in a council house, ask the council to move you, or look for people doing house exchanges. There are often groups on Facebook where you can find this out!

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 31/10/2018 21:29

There are no plans in place. I told him that if he doesn't start paying for his kids and he doesn't start putting w proper routine in place then I'll make him go to a contact centre to see his kids instead at certain times and his response is 'well I won't do that and you can answer to your kids why you stopped me seeing them'
He knows I grew up without my dad so he uses my emotions to take the piss out of me coz he knows I don't want my children to be without a dad like I was l. He said he wants things done 'his way' and if I don't like it 'tough'

OP posts:
iris81 · 31/10/2018 21:50

Go through CSA take control away from him. Your children need money. I'd put proper times in place for contact but not tell kids. If he turns up then great, if not record it and kids not let down as none the wiser. But don't respond to it.
He is a massive controller but you're letting him, please do freedom programme xxxx

canihaveanap · 31/10/2018 21:58

You've given his actions but his reasons for breaking up were your behaviour so I guess it would depend on what your behaviour was like.

iris81 · 31/10/2018 22:03

@canihaveanap what behaviour do you think it was? Genuine question as it was a long thread, wondering what your opinion is?

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 01/11/2018 02:29

@canihaveanap what do you mean by this? Please elaborate.
My behaviour all stems from HIS actions.. cause and effect

OP posts:
Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 01/11/2018 02:36

@canihaveanap no matter my actions I didn't deserve to be cheated on

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/11/2018 02:38

"then I'll make him go to a contact centre to see his kids instead at certain times and his response is 'well I won't do that and you can answer to your kids why you stopped me seeing them"

Nope. Still his decision. You provided a place and time and HE refused to see them. If he says that again you say "Yes, I will tell the children that Dad knew we were going to be here so he could see you but he decided not to come".

Yes, it was hard for you growing up without your dad, but now as an adult you can surely see the truth as to why he wasn't around. Your children will understand too

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 01/11/2018 07:31

Thanks @AcrossthePond55

I already blame
Myself for all of this and now jm reading that comment off @canihaveanap I'm back to square one questioning everything again

OP posts:
Geode73 · 01/11/2018 08:26

Take I don't think canihaveanap has read the thread x u have nothing wrong he is the jackals. Hold ur head up as u are looking after kids amazingly. Sort out contact through professional means and limit ur contact. X

Geode73 · 01/11/2018 08:27

That's supposed to be jackass not jackals sorry lol

SandyY2K · 01/11/2018 08:46

He seems to think his living proposal is a great idea. Tell him it's not something thst would work for you.

You don't need to say more than that. He really sounds like an immature man.

You need to stop letting him call the shots. You need to invest in a social life and support for yourself. Don't depend or rely on him. He's as useful as a chocolate teapot.

category12 · 01/11/2018 08:58

OP, stop faffing about and claim child support through the CMS.

Decide what contact is best for the dc and convenient for you, for example, every other weekend and one evening in the week. (Obviously bear in mind what you know of his other commitments, so you're not setting him up to fail). Inform him of what these are, do doorstep handovers and only make arrangements via email. This is reasonable.

If he threatens, fails to turn up, whatever, just take a deep breath and let it go over your head. Keep a record.

What you're doing now is just prolonging the agony - being passive and placating him just doesn't work. Stop engaging with him and set boundaries.

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 01/11/2018 10:37

And @canihaveanap maybe my behaviour stemmed from resentment that I was the one giving up everything to look after children full time so we wouldn't have to fork out for childcare. My brothers gf works and has to pay £700 a month in childcare fees for my niece and I saved him from helping with childcare fees by staying at hone whilst his work life, social life and gym life resumed to normal after our kids whilst I was at home 24/7 and he spent every hour on his phone while he was at home with me so he didn't she provide that time. He always saw the bad In me so yes sometimes my behaviour wasn't great ( I mean the not trusting him ect) but it all stems from resentment of him not doing enough and him texting woman behind my back constantly and then blaming me for HIS actions. All I did was love him, and I still do and I'm the one who ends up like this. He says I never respected him but how can you respect someone who doesn't even put his phone down for a few minutes to talk to his wife, ask about her day and how she's feeling or doing things in his power to make her life more bearable whilst raising kids. Also to be constantly criticised throughout daily life affected me as well and he can't see anything he's done wrong. He blames me for EVERYTHING. Nothing is his fault so yes @canihaveanap there is a truthful summary for you

OP posts:
lovetherisingsun · 01/11/2018 10:44

OP, do NOT listen to @canihaveanap. They are talking out of their ARSE.

It is NOT your fault for his behaviour, fgs. He's an adult, not a child - he has a free will.

Put it this way - If, say, a wife complained to a judge - "sorry, I stole because my husband didn't earn enough, it's all his fault I had to shop lift", etc, you know what the judge would say, and it wouldn't be "oh of course, completely understand - it's all your husband's fault, you can't be blamed for stealing. He should've behaved differently, got a better job", etc. Clumsy analogy, but you know what I mean.

Just because cheating isn't illegal, doesn't mean people get to blame their own immoral behaviour/mistakes as a direct result of how others have behaved around them. How utterly ridiculous.

Thebluedog · 01/11/2018 10:55

OP start to take control and put the wheels in motion. Call the cms TODAY. It’s been HIS choice not to pay, it will be HIS choice to see the dc in a contact centre, or not at all. You can hold your head up high and know you are showing your dc how to stand up for yourself and remain dignified and to do the right thing.

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 01/11/2018 11:09

Thank you everyone

I'm trying not to listen to @canihaveanap

How can you respect a man and Behave appropriately towards a man who is constantly on your case and does not listen or understand you and criticises you several times a day. Who doesn't value enough to stay faithful to you... I would like @canihaveanap to answer this

Grrr it's really got me angry

OP posts:
category12 · 01/11/2018 11:22

Op, Do you think there is a reason you're so focused on responding to a single sentence throwaway post by one person, in huge detail, amongst all the rest?

Don't wanna pop-psych you too much, but I can hazard a guess or two. How about you?

Original poster
TakeTwoOfThat · 01/11/2018 11:26

@category12 I don't know why? Could you explain what you mean? Might be helpful to me

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 01/11/2018 12:14

I think canihaveanap and category12 are the same person. Both need to be ignored. Wink

Don't allow yourself to be sidetracked. Focus on the real purpose of this thread; support.

Something that helped me (as a people pleaser) is JADE. When you do what is right for you, you don't have to:
Justify
Apologize
Defend or
Explain

And that goes for posters on this thread (including me!).

SandyY2K · 01/11/2018 15:44

Forget that one comment and take action. He can agree an amount if CS...if he doesn't file a claim with the CSA.

Don't engage with him...and stop allowing him to say how it's going to be .

When he talks rubbish...get up and walk away. Or put the phone down.

Tell him conversation is best kept to essential child related matters and a divorce.

You've a man who's treating you so badly...yet if he wanted to return to you tomorrow...I can see you agreeing to it.