Is he trying to rub salt in my wounds?

[TakeTwoOfThat]

So many might have read the threads ive been writing about my husband..

A BIT OF A BACK STORY.

I recently found out he had text a random woman off the internet and then sent money to another. He blamed me saying I caused him to do it because of my 'behaviour' so we had a massive row and he slept in the car, he said sorry after a few days and we sat down and both agreed to made changes. we was getting on better apart from the fact I struggled to trust him when he went out or to the gym alone and he expected me to trust him again in a day.

Then fast forward to Tuesday this week, he said he had to go take something to his cousin to pack in his suitcase as he was going back home. he said he would go to the gym straight after. He was gone 3 hours and didn't even message me when he will be back (he usually messages me that hes in the gym) but he didn't so I rang him and text and he ignored me. Then a few minutes later he said he went for a beer with his cousin then to the gym (who goes to the pub in gym clothes?)but I didn't believe him because he acted odd before he left like he was hiding something then I rang my uncle (his cousin was staying with my uncle) to see whether his story matches up and according to my uncle and his cousin, he didn't even go for a beer and just dropped off the items that's it. Then when I asked my husband where he really was he couldn't answer and just kept saying with his cousin

So then Tuesday my husband said hes leaving me and comes amd collects his belongings (but he leaves a few things in his wardrobe and drawers) he swears on his kids lives that he will never get back with me (so I know he really is leaving me as he wouldn't say that if he wasn't certain) Any he calls in to see kids over next couple of days and keeps taking random stuff from his wardrobe and drawers, Is he messing with my head as he could have took it all at once. Then today he text me saying he wanted to come and say night to the kids so I agreed, he came around 7 and stayed about half an hour and went into my freezer looking for a frozen meal I made days ago, then he looks In my cupboard. Then he goes up to put my son to bed and I follow up to say night to my son like we do every night.. I lie on my bed and he walks out of our room (my son is in my room) and then turns back comes in and mumbles (what else do I need from here?) and takes one white tshirt....yes one tshirt that I think he doesn't even like anymore and walks out of the house and doesn't say bye, Is he doing this to torment me? to rub salt in my wounds? he knows I deeply love him and I feel like hes rubbing it in my face that hes left me

is this normal behaviour for somone whoes just left their wife?

Yes you need to set access days. He shouldn't be able to dictate to you what's going to happen the night before. He's bigging himself up in his own head by pretending to care how you're doing and the kids. In reality he hasn't got a sensitive bone in his body and he only cares about himself.

You are allowed to set rules and to say no

I think you need some proper advice actually going forward regarding contact and finances

Even with my amicable and very definite separation I ended up changing the locks. Boundaries have to be set. You will feel much better when they are. Ditto contact. Come up with a routine and no he can't come in the house any more. That's not how separation works when you've been a lying arse. Him rooting through the fridge is NOT ON. Yes he needs to consider the kids by arranging maintenance payment and regular predictable contact routine. You can do your own shop. He can use the CSA calculator himself to come up with a figure. Please constantly remind him that he is the one who left. This is all a result of his decision. I recommend discussion only by messenger or WhatsApp and only relating to kids. And sod his wavering tell him you don't want him back so it's irrelevant what "time will tell". The marriage was over when he left.

Thank you all.

He said yesterday I CHOSE this life and now have to deal with with it.

He even made a sly remark saying 'this is actually helping You ( the break up) because your belly has gone down. I don't know why he has to make me feel like Shit. I ignored his comment and pretended I didn't hear it

He is quite literally hanging you on a piece of string.
You need to stop allowing it!
Set clear contact arrangements, get your finances in line and stop allowing him to dictate.
While ever you are allowing him to walk all over you, he will!

Tell him yes it is helping me. It's helping me realise how much I am actually worth. It's helping me realise how much potential I have and it's helping me see who you really are.
So thank you because now I am free to live the life I always intended.
Leave it at that and then refuse to discuss anything further than access and child support.

Dont tell him anythibg hes like a child seeking attention. If positive attention doesnt work act out to get the negative one. Ignore ignore ignore.
And while ignoring quitly get your ducks in a row and CHOOSE how you want to live your life going forward so many doors are open to you.

Google the term drama triangle. Thats what hes trying to pull you into.
The best way to handle someone like that is to just move on and leave them to stew in the crap of their own making.

Then you,

Im just finding this so hard. Why is this so hard? Why can't I just hate his guts instead of loving him. One minute I think yes I can do this and the next I'm in bits.

He doesn't look too bothered. He's just going about life and seems happy and doesn't even look sad. How can he be so heartless and emotionless after 13 years of marriage?

Why are you letting him wander in and out of your home willy nilly? Take his key back. Pack up the rest of this stuff. Tell him to come and collect.

You need to take back some kind of control over this situation. Have you sought legal advice yet? Stop letting him walk all over you.

I will probably get flamed for saying this but the reason hes not bothered is because hes a man and they deal with such things differently. Suppress the emotion, it bubbles over once in a while in anger directed at you but thats it. They are good at compartmentalising their thoughts and he probably mentally checked out some time ago all thats left is the need to control the situation hes in.

Dont focus on it. Thats his cross to bear not yours.
Focus on getting through each day as it comes. Make a list of the tiny things you need to achieve and work your way through it even if its just silly things like buying toilet paper. focus on it obsessively be proud that you got through that list. Even if you have to cry your way through it but be proud that you made it through that day untill one day your tasks are done without thinking and the pain is not so bad.

He has programmed you to put his needs uppermost in your head. That's not easy to break. That's why you feel the way you do. You're used to dancing around what he wants and on tiptoes trying to figure out what he's feeling so you can adjust your thoughts and actions to avoid his anger and/or his ugly words.

It will take practice, but you will get there. One of the things that helped me, and might help you, was to write down a list of some of the worse things he'd done and said to me. Then fold it up and carry it with you, tucked in your bag, a pocket, your bra. When you start dwelling on him or having a 'weak' moment, get that list out and read it. Read it again. Let it be a reminder that things were NOT good and that he never changed one iota to help your marriage or to help you.

I know there are legal things about changing locks. But there is nothing that says you can't put a chain across the door for 'your own security' or leave your key in the lock so it can't be unlocked. At least that will stop him from simply walking in when you are there. It will give you a feeling of 'control' in that you must admit him to your house, that he can't just walk in.

It's small gestures that will start to help you feel control. And with control will come detachment.

Another thing that may help is to just acknowledge your feelings of love for him. Once something is acknowledged, it's much easier to begin to change it as we see that thing more clearly. The mental energy it takes to deny feelings is much greater than the energy it takes to acknowledge them. BUT with that acknowledgment must come the realization that he is not good for you and that sometimes love is just not enough. We can love someone to distraction, but that doesn't mean they are right for us, or even that they are a good person.

He doesn't look too bothered. He's just going about life and seems happy and doesn't even look sad. How can he be so heartless and emotionless after 13 years of marriage?

Because he's not the one who has been rejected, he's still calling the shots? What has he got to be sad and emotional about, he thinks he can come back whenever he feels like it.

If he walked in now and found another bloke in your house, even just having a coffee with you his whole attitude would change.

It's awful, plenty of other people have been here before you and survived. The most important thing for you to do at the moment is try and get some counselling for you to help you break out of this emotional connection to him. He is controlling you and making you feel like shit because he has had years of experience in how to make you dance to his tune. You don't break that sort of indoctrination overnight and often not by yourself. Go and see your doctor, explain what's going on in your life and how you feel and the not eating and see if they can get you on the list for counselling.

In the meantime as all pp's have said stop letting him tell you what you've got to do and when and you start telling him. Take the power back and you will start to feel better and more in control of your own life.

It will also really puzzle him because he's got so used to being able to control you and he has to learn that the consequence of his actions is that he loses the ability to dictate your life and to an extent the children's lives. They need constancy and stability not random days out at his whim.

Make an appointment to claim benefits and open a case for maintenance. He cannot treat you as though he is giving you charity by providing for the children.

Yesterday he told me it's all my fault that he's got 'emotional and financial' problems. He said that when we argue I kick him out of the house but I don't, HE CHOOSES TO LEAVE. Every time we have a disagreement he leaves. He said he's never coming back but in the next breath he said ' if I miss my family in the future maybe but I'm fine without you now'
Then he said 'time will tell'
Then he shouted 'Im gone' so all this mixed messages just upsets me. He said I i need to get on with life and not sit around being sad.. what does he expect??????
The house is a mess as I haven't felt up to cleaning... just a mess right now but I'm trying to move in

He still doing it now... time to take control op and start calling your own shots

Change the locks.
Pack all his stuff, leave it on the front and tell him to collect it.
See a solicitor.

Stop listening to him. He is abusive. As soon as he opens his mouth start singing ''la la la la la la'' in your head.
From now on, you only talk about access and maintenance, and he does not step foot in your home.

I applied for benefits today. That's one step. I will be worse off but I guess that's life. I feel ashamed having to claim and me not having a job, feel like always has the upper hand.

Can anyone shed some light on whether people who have separated actually text each other about their kids? like every morning he's text me asking 'how was the school run' I ignored me today and text me saying 'are you ok' and then because I ignored that he rang me. Am I right in thinking this isn't how separates couples work? Do they really ask how the school run went ?

God no. Me and my exH are quite friendly, and we don't do this. Think the only time we did was when she was first starting school! He's just wanting to keep you hanging on and he's calling the shots.

I'd honestly text him and ask him if he can have the kids for a few hours on X night, don't tell him why. Join a club or something. It will drive him mental and he'll be paranoid you're moving on. Bet he'll soon realise what he actually wants then.

Well done on applying for benefits. Just take baby steps.

Are you able to eat anything yet? Don't forget to keep hydrated in this hot weather.

I'm so sorry this idiot is still dicking you around. Keep ignoring the stupid 'How was the school run' texts. Go and make an appointment with a solicitor. He just wants to keep you on a chain - he pulls, you feel it. Enough with that shit.

A solicitor will help you to agree an actual schedule of when he has the kids and when you do - and he will have to stick to it. No more of this just as and when he feels like it, no wonder the poor kids are confused.

Stay strong, you can do this.

Just to be clear, you're under no obligation to answer pointless texts like that - and he is clearly sending them out of a desire to make you answer to him, literally. But one other option might be to reply but in the shortest blandest possible way, so that he doesn't have an 'excuse' to keep texting or ring. So for example I would just reply 'Fine' - one word - to the school run texts. And to any asking how you are, come to that.

He's messing with your head. You know he is. You have to be strong and give him a couple of set days and then ignore him otherwise unless it's an emergency. Stop giving him the best of both worlds. If he wants to be a family he has to be a proper partner and dad. Otherwise he backs off and you split. Stop letting him do this to you.

Well done on applying for benefits, these things feel huge. But they will get you on the right track. I know a solicitor feels like the biggest "final" step, but its not. Its just finding out where you stand, thats it. You can chose to do what you want with that information then. It just gives you a bit more power and a plan, thats it. You don't have to use that information, but you will know where you stand.

As for the popping in, he's popping in to mark his territory and keep you just there in case. He's using it and the texts to control you. You need to stop this, it will do your mental health no good. You need to turn your home into your sanctuary and stop him invading it. You answer the door bright and breezy hand over the kids, shut the door and crumple behind it. He wants to see you broken

God no, I don’t talk to my exh at all, only on drop off and collection and only small talk if I really have to. If he wants to know how the dc are doing at school he rings the school. I only ever text him if something has gone disasterously wrong, simple coughs or colds aren’t discussed

Im having a down day today. I feel so ashamed and I don't know why. He had blamed everyone one of our marriage problems in me and saying I made him do the things he did. I feel like it's all my fault. Like I messed up his head and made him do all the stuff he does. He's made out that he's so perfect and I'm the bad one. I feel really horrible today. I took my daughter on a School And he had the baby and I had a good day but when I get back home alone with the kids fighting and I have all this stuff to do I just feel like giving up on life.