Is he trying to rub salt in my wounds?

[TakeTwoOfThat]

So many might have read the threads ive been writing about my husband..

A BIT OF A BACK STORY.

I recently found out he had text a random woman off the internet and then sent money to another. He blamed me saying I caused him to do it because of my 'behaviour' so we had a massive row and he slept in the car, he said sorry after a few days and we sat down and both agreed to made changes. we was getting on better apart from the fact I struggled to trust him when he went out or to the gym alone and he expected me to trust him again in a day.

Then fast forward to Tuesday this week, he said he had to go take something to his cousin to pack in his suitcase as he was going back home. he said he would go to the gym straight after. He was gone 3 hours and didn't even message me when he will be back (he usually messages me that hes in the gym) but he didn't so I rang him and text and he ignored me. Then a few minutes later he said he went for a beer with his cousin then to the gym (who goes to the pub in gym clothes?)but I didn't believe him because he acted odd before he left like he was hiding something then I rang my uncle (his cousin was staying with my uncle) to see whether his story matches up and according to my uncle and his cousin, he didn't even go for a beer and just dropped off the items that's it. Then when I asked my husband where he really was he couldn't answer and just kept saying with his cousin

So then Tuesday my husband said hes leaving me and comes amd collects his belongings (but he leaves a few things in his wardrobe and drawers) he swears on his kids lives that he will never get back with me (so I know he really is leaving me as he wouldn't say that if he wasn't certain) Any he calls in to see kids over next couple of days and keeps taking random stuff from his wardrobe and drawers, Is he messing with my head as he could have took it all at once. Then today he text me saying he wanted to come and say night to the kids so I agreed, he came around 7 and stayed about half an hour and went into my freezer looking for a frozen meal I made days ago, then he looks In my cupboard. Then he goes up to put my son to bed and I follow up to say night to my son like we do every night.. I lie on my bed and he walks out of our room (my son is in my room) and then turns back comes in and mumbles (what else do I need from here?) and takes one white tshirt....yes one tshirt that I think he doesn't even like anymore and walks out of the house and doesn't say bye, Is he doing this to torment me? to rub salt in my wounds? he knows I deeply love him and I feel like hes rubbing it in my face that hes left me

is this normal behaviour for somone whoes just left their wife?

He's waiting to see if it pans out with OW and keeping you strung along in the background just in case

Exactly this! ⬆️

Are you happy to be his fall back, his ‘make do’, until someone else comes along, that he thinks he can have? If the answer is “no”, then you need to find the strength you know you have, OP. FFS, you’ve given birth to FIVE children, looked after them 2;hrs a day and run a home. How many other ‘jobs’ are 24hrs a day, every single day? I think mothers, in particular, under estimate how strong they actually are. You can do this OP.

Stop answering his texts, straight away. If he never showed an interest in such things before, then he can bloody well stop his bullshite now. Every time you respond to his nonsense, you give him power over your emotions. Tell him you will contact him if there is an issue with one of the children but you’re too busy actually raising the kids, to constantly answer the phone. Arrange contact times and tell him it’s unfair on the children not having set times as they never know what’s happening.

*24 hrs a day

@PositivelyPERF your post made me cry ( in a good way) because your right, I've done all of the taking care of them, when he wanted his nights out, his 2 gym sessions a week and all the other stuff he's wanted to do. I've done it all. I just need to get over all these hurdles I have in my head but I will get there. I know it's not gonna just all work out in a few days but I'm hoping soon I'll be strong enough to get through it

You are right- it's not fair that he had all the control, that he messes around and decides whether the marriage is on or off. Take the control back and stand up for yourself- he is only going to look after himself - you need to look after your needs..

He's always been dead set against prostitutes

Yeah, mine was too, and cheating. Genuinely the last person I'd ever expect it from.

(In my case, he progressed over the last few years of our relationship, from sex chat apps, emailing girls on craiglist, setting up dating accounts, googling prostitutes, texting prostitutes, calling prostitutes, and then shagging prostitutes.)

UPDATE

so he came yesterday and took the kids out to a park. He told me he's viewing a room on Monday to move into as he's been sleeping in the car. He said the reason he's leaving is because I don't treat him like a man and I disrespect him. He said the moment I phoned his cousin asking him if he was with him I had disrespected him ( he's the one who disappeared and ignored me for 3 hours)
And then he said that we are 'done' but earlier that day he came he wanted to make himself a sandwich with eggs??? I said why do you think you can come and make yourself food when you come pick your kids up. He said 'because it's still my kids house'
This is just confusing me and sends me right back where I was when I think I'm getting stronger. I've also found out what the 'give it time' means. He wants to give it 2 months to see whether I have a chance with him or not but then said 'we are done and have 0 chance getting him back'
He also saw a package I packed up ready to send off to sell on eBay and he asked me what it was I was selling. I also told him I won't have any money now because he chose to leave and I have to wait for benefits
He said 'well we can do a shopping on Wednesday I get paid'
I said 'why would WE do a shopping when we have split up'
He said 'well it's for my kids'

He's still viewing my what's app status so he's just confusing me and making me unable to move on. He's making me worse.

I'll I have eaten in 4 days is 4 pieces of fruit and 2 yoghurts. I can't eat my body just won't let me eat. How do I move on from this? I feel like when I see him I end up right back in a bad place

Hun cold hard truth.
He doesnt know what he wants but he does know he wants you to put up with his shit untill he decides.
What is it that you want?
Take control of your life.
He doesnt need to take you shopping he needs to give you a set amount of maintaince each mont if he cant agree to it go through csa.
He doesnt need to cone through the door for the kids have them ready to walk out to him when he arrives.
Block him on whats app. If he wants to communicate with you he can do it by text.
Reduce contact as much as possible focus on YOU. And the kids.
Whatever his issue is disrespect sleeping in car thinking about it in two months ...
Whatever it is your response should just be not my problem be a man then and sort it.

Go on gov.uk fill in the forms for divorce show him them make him realise that you are serious and he is not the ine in control of you.

Moreover did he look and smell like someone who had been sleeping in his car???sounds like a line to me.

Thank you
I've gone to the calculator for CSA and have an idea what he's going to have to pay.

He looks very clean and preened to me so i do not believe he's slept in the car.. it's rubbish!

I'm going to use Monday to get financial advice.

He's just texted me saying 'I want to take the kids to a donkey Sanctuary today'

I said 'ok fine let me know the time your picking them up'

He said 'you should come along, I don't want the kids to feel different' but he doesn't understand the kids will have to get used to me not being on outings anymore !!!! Ffs

Op you need to take what control you can

Start by making friends I wonder if he is the reason you don’t h ave any

Do not go. Text back and say 'thanks, but I've got plans'. Then do anything, go for a walk, chill and read, anything. That will mess with him more and he'll go crazy wondering what you're up to. He's trying to keep you hanging on and will never respect you if he thinks you're going to sit round pining for him.

Yup they will. They will also benefit from knowing in advance what day they will be with their dad e.g every other sat etc. Last minute plans to get them ready to meet his whims will be more disruptive than you not being there.

No, don't go on the donkey trip with that donkey's ass. You need for your own sake to continue to put a fence between you. You're making a good start, just stand firm. No joint outings, no playing happy families for the kids, but most of all no more discussing your relationship. Every time you do it reinforces to him that he can be half in-half out as it suits him until he makes up his mind. So stop. If he brings your relationship up, you say you don't want to talk about it anymore.

BUT, if he wants to buy food for the household, let him. As long as he understands that the food is for you and the children, not for him to drop by and make eggs and toast! I'd suggest to him that he simply give you money or use his card, but if he won't agree I'd probably grit my teeth and go with him. But I'd try to make a quiet point of not buying any of his 'favourites' to keep round the house.

His comment about 'treating him like a man' made my hair stand on end. My BFF is in an abusive relationship and one of the main things her bastard H always tells her to 'keep her in line' is "When you don't do what I tell you, you make me feel like less than a man". It's one of the most manipulative things a man can say.

Do not let him do this organising yours and the kids life as it suits him. Make him fit in with your plans, make him realise that if he leaves things will not just stay as they were. And most important of all, DO NOT let him tell you all this is your fault and down to you disrespecting him - why the heck WOULD you respect him the way he's behaving??

Re eating - when I was a bit like that after a break up I found melon was good, cool and sweet, and grapes. Try sipping some soup. Tell yourself you're doing it to keep yourself strong. Build up bit by bit.

Have you got friends/family around you to lean on?

He's come to pic the kids up and said he thinks I should come along coz he's gonna go to 3 different places with them and they will be back at 6!! I said sorry it's too late we have school run in the morning and tea to cook
He was like ok you stay here by time we get back their tea will be done

He's really starting to piss me off!!!

Good. Anger is what you need. He's treating you like an idiot.

He's pissing me off too and I don't even know him! Get angry, let it out.

Deep breath. Carry on. Cook tea, but be sure that you only cook exactly enough for the children. So maybe fish fingers, chicken nuggets, something that can't really be 'stretched' or divided without depriving the children. Set places only for the children. You try to eat a little something before they get home. No more 'family meals'.

Hiya i made pasta for tea, something simple. He said when they got back 'I'm worried your not eating'
I said ' why would you be worried we not together anymore'
He said 'well because you need to look after my kids'

Then he demanded to take my 2 year old out all day tomorrow until school run when he will pick the other up and I have to accept it. It's my daughters 12th birthday tomorrow and she's so sad she asked 'will daddy be here to say happy birthday in the morning'
I hate what he's done to us!

Am I allowed to set ground rules about other woman? I'm so worried he will introduce my 2 year old to another woman if I let him take him out tomorrow, am I allowed to demand he doesn't as it's too soon?

You don't have to keep letting him have the dc whenever he pleases. You don't have to let him in the house to question you about what you're eating. Start setting some boundaries.

The one you can't set unfortunately is when he introduces the ow. You can ask.

Build you up ("I'm so worried you're not eating") then smack you down ("because of the kids"). Prick

You need to stop responding. If he makes a personal comment about your eating, your appearance (tired, etc), or anything to do with the home or relationship you either remain stonily silent or you reply with a noncommittal "Mmm-hmm". Don't rise to his bait. Don't say 'why do you care', it's walking right into this trap. He's enjoying this.

And I agree with category, it's time to set specific access times. It will be better for you AND for the children when there is some routine to his coming and going.

What do you think would work for you?