DP and money. Can't cope anymore. IHBU?

[JojoBelles]

19 weeks pregnant, looking for baby things. Suggested I bought a sling for the baby. He said he's not going to use it so I have to buy it myself. This is a constant and he's so selfish with money. It's £15 ffs. I told him it's not for me, it's for the baby. He can and should use it. Is anyone else dealing with a DP like this? He has a dd already who he spends a fortune on but I ask if we can buy one thing for £15 out of our joint account and he says no. I have to get it myself. I feel like walking out. I'm so far down the bottom of his list of priorities and feels like our baby is too.

LagunaBubbles, dealing with the here and now is more important than going over the past, especially during Pregnancy.

You don't know if the OP's Partner is going to "be there for the child", or her for that matter.

She is upset and looking for support, possibly in the absence of not having Parents, not finger pointing about how she's in this situation.

Gin, I've known fathers of IVF babies to just piss off and not look back. There seems to be no rhyme or reason with some Men.

Hi OP, I would suggest getting this thread moved to relationships - you’ll get some really good, supportive advice.

And of course your partner should be contributing equally (as a % of income) to anything related to the baby including maternity wear and breast pumps.

And in an alternative scenario, the dp could just be concerned about spending money before the baby is here, or for things that they may not need.
The answer is not to assume anything just yet but to talk to him. Point out how it's making you feel and lay your cards on the table ....
Best of luck JoJo and congratulations

JojoBelles I'm with expatinscotland, it sounds like you would be better off without him, also financially better off as he would be required to pay you child support, depending on your earnings you might get tax credits as well, you're better off on your own than with someone who does not treat you right. I divorced when my children were young and although terrifiying at the time - and it was my choice - it was absolutely the right decision and now I am with a wonderful, caring man.

JoJo
You sound like an incredible, strong woman, and what your partner is putting you through is not fair.
I'm sorry his behaviour has only just surfaced/become apparent now.
If I'm honest, I don't know the solution to your situation, I just want to offer my support!

I do wonder how the replies would differ if the genders here were switched. I know by saying this, people will respond saying "I would've said the same thing if a man wrote this post", I just find that hard to believe.
Would you say to a man that they're "dragging the perception of men", would a man be told that he's just using his partner to carry his baby for nine months?
If a man said their partner was making them pay for everything, the woman would be called a gold digger and a "user".

Until now, I thought mumsnet was used as an outlet for women to express their emotions and concerns, I thought women could receive support from other women, not be told that they're dragging the perception of women.

Good luck, OP. I hope things begin to look up for you and your baby.

The truth hurts

There are ways to say things that are slightly less cunty, though.

Op it's a shame some posters are allowed to post they ruin mn. I'm all for the hard truth and different points of view but some comments are just bitchy.
However there is some great advice on here... Try and ignore the sad cows who sit on mm to stick the boot in. Good lucky

Sadly there is something wrong here, he won't talk about it but you re both grown adults, soon to become parents.
It would seem you are on the back foot. This is not a good way to start a family. Even if he spoils your child, apparently he doesn't support or appreciate you. You count too.
You obviously want this baby, but did he ?
Anyway, he isn't on board financially, I think you should look carefully at how he really is. & I agree, don't put his name on the BC.
Family is sharing, supporting, loving & forming a unit.
Alternatively you are OK with him just being around & a genitor, & are sufficiently autonomous to need nothing from him.

I am constantly amazed at how people organise their finances! Why do you have to ask him if you can spend £15 from your joint acount to buy something for your joint child? I just don't get it.

If the two of you do not trust each other sufficiently to pool your finances then why are you reproducing with this person?

This does not sound a happy situation for you and I am sorry you are in that place.

account

I don't want to be harsh OP and I know you are extremely upset at the moment but I think you really need to consider whether this is just about the money or is this something deeper. Does he really want this baby? Are you 100% sure. It almost seems like he has a "well you got pregnant you fork out for the baby" mentality and this is not a good start or bode well for the future. He comes across as resentful of you and the baby.

I think you really need to have a hard think about where this is headed. Wishing you well.

Just ignore the judgemental ridiculous comments, don’t let them upset you.

If I were you I’d ask MN to move your thread over to relationships.

Unfortunately, I think you are seeing exactly why he’s no longer with his DD’s Mum.

The sling is one thing (yes, it should come out of the joint account and you shouldn’t even need to ask) but there are bigger red flags here. He refuses to discuss what the financial plan is when you’re on maternity leave and, in general, he’s not viewing the baby as a person needing things in their own right, or the primary carer (you) needing things in order to care for the baby. Slings, breast pumps etc are baby things...it’s not like a new handbag.

If I were you I would tell him that we need to talk about this and if he refuses then one of you needs to leave (depends on the housing situation. Your baby wasn’t planned, but he’s having another child like it or not. He needs to be honest about his intended input or you will just have to plan to bring this baby up alone. Frankly, given his appalling attitude I’d have already told him to pack his bags. It would be far better to get on your feet going solo now rather than when the baby is already here.

Think hard lovely, you’re worth more than this. You AND your baby 💐

You don't know if the OP's Partner is going to "be there for the child", or her for that matter

No youre right but I would safely say the signs arent good. Any man who acts like this does not have the making of being a supportive partner and father.

He isn't helping you out with regards to your maternity leave, he is neglecting to pay for his share of that burden. Before the baby comes, leave him. Force the situation where he has to pay for his child and maintain your independence at all costs. Get out now.

laguna trust me I've done a lot of thinking about the past I don't need everyone on here to remind me that I've done something not-ideal

Fair enough. The main thing now is protecting yourself and your child. I hope we are all wrong and he turns out to be a wonderful caring Father. But someone who thinks and acts like him I would doubt it so start to mentally prepare for being a single parent. You are meant to be a unit, a family with the baby and this is a warning sign I think of things to come.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy!

I can understand why his behaviour has come as a surprise to you. He spends a lot of money on his DD so why wouldn't you expect him to spend a lot of money on this child too. I suspect that once the baby has been born he will do.

Is it possible that he's somewhat of a 'Disney dad' to his DD so likes the big purchases but doesn't see the daily grind as his responsibility?

If I were you I'd sit down together and have a conversation where he was told that any money spent now is on the baby, not on you. He should view it in the same way as he does money spent on his existing DD. Whatever his response, this would open up the conversation.

Hope it goes well OP

OP I hate to say it, but if he's this tight now, it'll just get worse when the baby comes. You'd be better off leaving (or making him leave depending on who owns the house) and getting maintenance off him. Because I guarantee that's the only way he'll pay anything towards this baby. If you stay with him you'll be funding yourself, your baby and his tight arse.

Congratulations JoJo! Being told you couldn't have a baby and now 19 weeks! Just fantastic, is miracle baby too strong a word? My fingers are tightly crossed for you.
Wow, you have had to trawl through some nasty comments. I am so sorry for that.
So the elephant in the room reared its trunk at the mention of money.
I havnt walked in your dp shoes, so I can only guess he has thrown up a wall with self doubt. This will change with time.
On a completely practical note, a cot, a pram and a car seat can be a major expense.
What if you opened an account and you both put in £150 a month, 4 months? 5 months?
For myself, viewing it through misty veils of time, with my first(not his first) I bought so much from Mothercare(other equally good baby stores around! lol) that her nursery looked like a showroom, yes, even the wallpaper!
Looking back, gosh, I could have saved a lot of money. Pre-owned sounded to me like, tat, junk, as if I didnt care.

Turns out, baby didnt mind.
So maybe try and meet a middle ground, "Dp, I love this £300 pram/car seat ensemble, and I see that there is a cot on (auction site) for £25.......
On a great note, dp is good at spending on his dd!
And absolutely get your researched baby sling! Dp will use it when you are knackered...asleep...the-baby-only-sleeps-with-heart-to-heart-bonding....
Please keep us updated! Don't give up on us JoJo! Much love x x x

Forget that he's your partner, if he's the father then half the costs relating to the child are his at least, end of! A sling is not a frivolity. Indeed, we use them instead of bulky prams.

Hi op,

I've not read the whole thread so apologies if I'm repeating things. I too found myself unexpectedly pg about 8 weeks in with a relatively new dp following mc. So I understand the choice you made as I made the same one.

Since then, we have shared every penny of our money. I might mention a purchase before making it or I might not but there is no way he would ever say no to something I wanted or needed for myself or our dd. Having said that, we are not big earners. Becoming a family has resulted in big changes to our spending habits. We have both gone from having a large chunk of our earnings as disposable income to allowing ourself £20 each per week. I've never heard my dp complain about this or comment negatively on something I've bought from our other money.

When I returned to work, it went without saying that the childcare bills were equally split. We both take the same amount in childcare vouchers from our employers. It's not just about the money though, as pp have said. My dp baths our dd most nights, gets her to sleep and (on account of the fact that I'm now pg again and have been struggling through it) has got up with her every single time she has woken at night (still frequently!) since Christmas. He also works ft and does a huge amount of diy to make the house we bought last year the way we want it to be. When he received an inheritance recently of a few thousand pounds, this was added in its entirety to our savings to contribute to these home improvements and my upcoming mat leave.

This is what a partner is and this is what a partner does. It's nothing to do with being married or not, or planning a baby or not. It's about being a decent human and a decent partner and a good dad. I won't berate you for your choices, as I said I made the same decision. I'm telling you all this in the hope that you'll see that you deserve a decent partner who understands what a partnership is and wants to be in one with you. Those things are not the preserve of married folk who are fortunate enough to have never had the illusion that you're in control of when you have a child shattered (spoiler: you're not). You deserve them too and you should not accept less from this man or any other.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I hope it progresses smoothly. I know so well how anxiety inducing it can be after miscarriages.

OP, I had a dd with a horrible man, in fact, I was lucky enough to have left him before I found out I was pregannt, and I don't regret one minute of it.

Some of the posters on here give me the rage.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I don't have any advice on your relationship because one swallow does not make a summer, but protect your interests because your interests are your child's interests. Leave him if needs be and if there is too much twatish behaviour do not put him on the birth cert. I didn't put my ex on dd's birth cert and it saved me loads of problems and hasn't affected their relationship

My ExH was like that. The worst one was on pay day after I'd gone back to work after mat leave. I had a reasonably well paid job and he did ok, but about half what I earned.

The money had gone in the account at 2am or so that morning. I was on jury service and it was boiling hot. It was also a friend's son's naming ceremony in a few days time.

We went to mothercare when it opened to get DS a nice outfit (3 piece suit!) and some other bits and pieces. Total cost about £50. This went through OK so thought nothing of it. I then wanted a cold drink from Costa for £2.30. It bounced.

Despite it being pay day, £3000 had gone out instantly to pay off Wong's, Satsuma, Likely Loans, and various other pay day lenders.

The mortgage bounced and everything else. It always did.

It was only after we separated that I found out why.

Another reason he's an ExH

Choosing to keep a baby is not the same as choosing to keep a man.

You can keep the baby and ditch the man.

I've asked mn to remove this post as it's causing more stress than anything else. I regret posting it. Just seen something I posted a while back on the daily mail I had no idea! Think I might leave mn after today.

It's certainly easier than leaving a terrible DP