DP and money. Can't cope anymore. IHBU?

[JojoBelles]

19 weeks pregnant, looking for baby things. Suggested I bought a sling for the baby. He said he's not going to use it so I have to buy it myself. This is a constant and he's so selfish with money. It's £15 ffs. I told him it's not for me, it's for the baby. He can and should use it. Is anyone else dealing with a DP like this? He has a dd already who he spends a fortune on but I ask if we can buy one thing for £15 out of our joint account and he says no. I have to get it myself. I feel like walking out. I'm so far down the bottom of his list of priorities and feels like our baby is too.

I would leave op. It's not just your responsibility to be providing for the baby. This will get worse when you're not working, he'll be telling you not to buy yourself a coffee or won't be contributing to the baby's needs.

Have a look at the freedom program. He sounds financially abusive.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It's good you're financially independent OP , I don't think he's going to be someone you can rely on, he doesn't seem to understand family expenses. You definitely need to discuss how you mat leave will be covered financially though.

This is make or break time.

You are either a family and pool your resources and understand that you are no longer separate entities because you have a baby together or you are not a family and you have your answer.

You can perhaps set up a joint account to pay for all the 'family' things such as fuel, breast pumps, baby things and bills etc and food etc?

I am not sure I could even consider staying with a man that did not care for my wellbeing that of my baby. Why did you choose to stay with someone so selfish in the first place?

Consider your options and your future carefully.

I feel like there's loads more to this. Did he want the baby? Have you been happy up to now or is this standard behaviour from him? It doesn't sound workable in the long term...

@Whatshallidonowpeople you are automatically presuming that we tried for a baby, that this was all planned out etc.

All, thanks for your responses but I think I posted prematurely so going to leave this thread and have a think. This is just upsetting me.

Let me guess why his last relationship broke down.

Is this kind of behaviour new for him?

I think you already know, but there's more to this than £15 OP

This is the "it's your baby" attitude shared by wankbadgers who believe parenting is soely a woman's job. Prick.

Right, so how are you feeling? Are you sad about his attitude or angry? If you can choose, choose angry. Be FURIOUS at his attitude towards his child and nip this shit in the bud NOW.

If it was me, I'd be drawing out exactly 1/2 of the joint account and when he asks, my response would be 'seeing as you see our finances as totally separate, I've taken out half of each of our entitlements from the joint account to spend on our baby. It's only fair we both contribute equally and this way it keeps it cleaner". If he kicks off, suggest politely that if he thought you were fully funding stuff that will ultimately feed, clothe and transport his kid, he can jog the fuck on.

Longer term though OP, unless a short sharp shock knocks him back on track, this is not going to improve I'm afraid

JojoBelles this must be hugely upsetting for you especially at a time when you are feeling quite vulnerable. Do you feel able to have an open conversation with him about how things will work between the 2 of you when the baby arrives? Have you discussed finances during maternity leave and childcare costs?

So did you discuss and agree the financial and emotion implications of having a child together before getting pregnant?

Seriously, what is wrong with You women? You are dragging perception of women into the gutter with idiotic behaviour

While I agree that these are extremely unhelpful questions, I have no idea why you would form a perception of 'women' as a monolithic group from anonymous posts on a website just because it's called Mumsnet.

There are men on here. There are trolls on here. There are schoolkids on here. You have no idea who's saying what.

what expat has said - even if it wasn't planned, no, he's being completely U. You should both agree a set amount for baby related expenses, pay it into the joint account and all baby purchases come from that. No, you shouldn't have to cover all the loss of earnings due to ML on your own, it should be split 50/50. The baby is 50% yours and 50% his, and every single expense or loss of earnings due to the baby should be 50/50.

Otherwise get rid of him, and CMS.

If your partner expects you to pay for formula (if it is ever needed), basic baby clothes and/or childcare for when you go back to work, then run and keep running from him.

You're mad having a kid with this man, but as that horse has bolted you need to focus on building a life separate from him.
Let csa deal with him.

I have come to the same conclusions as the others have written and you are now seeing what he is really like.

When you do go on Mat leave you are going to become more reliant on him and he is not stepping up now. That money is also going to run dry and you will in all likelihood be left reliant on your own savings.

Pregnancy as well is a trigger for such abusive types to really now ramp up the power and control against their target and his behaviour re the sling is just one example of that. Financially abusive men are rarely solely financially abusive.

Do not give this child his surname, give him/her yours instead.

I don't think it helps OP to say this should have been talked about beforehand. She's in this situation now, so what should or shouldn't have happened in the past is irrelevant.

I also think its somewhat irrelevant what he spends on his DD. I think you can't compare the two OP because he isn't with her being her dad on a day to day basis when, in theory, he will be there for your child. I do get why you would compare the two but it's not necessarily helpful to do so.

However, I do still think its wrong that he is telling you what you can and can't buy from your joint account for your joint child. I think you have every right to have a discussion about this and what you will both do going forward in regards to finances. As the current situation isn't workable long term.

I agree with Attila , don't give the baby his surname.

oh, this is not a good sign Jojobelles

You may get some better help through the relationship board. AIBU can be a bit full on.

I have had 4 miscarriages. I had no idea I was pregnant until I was 8 weeks gone as my cycles are irregular. I didn't choose to get pregnant intentionally but after 4 miscarriages and desperate for a baby how could I possibly go through with a termination not knowing whether I would be able to get pregnant again?

I am not an idiot. I am a well educated, kind, caring woman who came on here in a highly emotional state asking for some useful advice. Half of the shit written on here is not helpful in the slightest. It's harsh and unkind. I'm 19 weeks pregnant and realising that there's a huge issue in my relationship, have the decency to realise that calling me idiotic, making judgemental comments about how I should've thought about getting pregnant first etc is not kind.

How on earth is telling a 19 week pregnant woman she's mad for having a child with someone helpful.

I think a lot of you have forgotten that mn is often used by vulnerable women looking for help and support. Thanks everyone who's been kind and offered some truthful and helpful advice.

He sounds awful and I bet I know why he split with the mother of his DD. And I bet it’s not the reason he told you.

Personally I wouldn’t buy a pump or sling before the baby is here, but that’s because I have had my kids and I have a reasonable idea of what I’ll use or not. He is not coming from that place. He’s coming from a my bank balance minus cost of things I won’t use = bad for me which is awful.

I’m sorry OP I don’t think this will get better.

Pay for it yourself and don't let him use it ever!

Unfortunately OP I think you need to really think about your future with this man. The baby isn't even here yet and he's refusing to contribute financially.

Have a good long think about how you'll cope with a newborn and a partner who begrudges £15 to help the mother of his child.

not married and never will be. I'm financially dependant upon myself. We earn the same money.

Er, I'm willing to bet you won't be earning the same money as him while you're on mat leave, as you've said above that you don't think he will contribute financially to the cost of that. What about when baby is here, it will presumably need paid childcare if you're going to return to work - will that just be you paying for that? Then you won't really be 'earning the same money' if you have to pay for childcare solely out of your income, will you? You may well have earned the same money up until now but the reality is that pregnancy and children cost money and if it's only you who is financially affected by it then you are no longer earning the same money and are unlikely to for the forseeable future. I agree with PP above, in light of this, what exactly is the point in remaining in a relationship with him? If you do live together, depending on your income you may even be financially better apart because this would affect your entitlement to benefits. I'm sorry OP but this is not going to end well and as painful as it is you may as well start making arrangements now, why wait until you are poorer and more ground down?

Seriously, Jojo, you're on a hiding to nothing with him because as you have already pointed out: a) he's stingy b) he refuses to discuss financial matters with you. You cannot rely on him financially, that's just reality. He's a miser. Do not get in debt funding leave when you could split and he'd have to pay maintenance for his child. If you're unable to make any other plans, plan for not expecting any financial assistance from him other than what the CMS might order him to pay.

Op. I am sorry about your miscarriages and some of the comments on here are not helping. You are quite right to feel angry and upset, but some of the posts are kind and supportive too.

Do you think maybe the way you are feeling now is that are realising just how potentially difficult it might be staying with someone like your dp?

You may feel daunted and worried, but let the information settle and don't rush to make a decision.

Have you talked about your future with dp? Is he supportive of you and the baby? Some hard questions need to be answered before you can come to your decision.