DP and money. Can't cope anymore. IHBU?

[JojoBelles]

19 weeks pregnant, looking for baby things. Suggested I bought a sling for the baby. He said he's not going to use it so I have to buy it myself. This is a constant and he's so selfish with money. It's £15 ffs. I told him it's not for me, it's for the baby. He can and should use it. Is anyone else dealing with a DP like this? He has a dd already who he spends a fortune on but I ask if we can buy one thing for £15 out of our joint account and he says no. I have to get it myself. I feel like walking out. I'm so far down the bottom of his list of priorities and feels like our baby is too.

I sadly don't have a mum and Dad to go and stay with. Thanks everyone I will get back to this later

Jojo it isn't going to get better. Is this how yu want your life to be? Do you want to have your child going through this too.
Theres a post on here somewhere if someone can link you to it about a tightwad who wouldn't buy his Dp a cup of coffee. It's a real eye opener.

He belongs in the bin.
Miserable bastard.
He'll only get worse, so you need to prepare for that.

@Haffiana telling me that I'm the sort of woman who is dragging the name of all women through the mud because of my idiotic behaviour is pretty horrible and inconsiderate IMO. So is telling me I shouldn't have got pregnant (bit late now), and that I'm mad having a child with him (well guess what, I am! Sorry this makes all women look bad!).

Hi OP

I'm sorry this is a difficult time for you. It's horrible when someone you think you know well surprises you. It's not like a £15 sling is a ridiculous luxury item that wont be used. He should definitely be contributing for things for his child and for maternity leave - as if you weren't going to be off then he'd be having to contribute to child care.

May be worth having a serious chat with him and reminding him if you split he will have to pay maintenance as he does for his current child. Also tell him you don't want to wait and sort money out at the time - you want to know in advance as the stress of the uncertainty is bad for the baby

Meanwhile you can get a load of great baby products in aldi and second hand from Facebook marketplace. I got lots second hand - most baby things are material that can be washed or plastic that can be wiped. Only things I'd buy new would be car seat and mattress (in second hand cot)

Also you could ask friends with older children or babies if they have anything that you could borrow - lots of people don't want to throw out stuff or sell it for next to nothing for sentimental reasons but are happy for friends to get some use out of it

Also you can get some good maternity clothing bundles on ebay etc. I couldn't sell mine for £1 an item even though lots barely worn so am giving to friends - you'll find some bargains!

I know this isn't a solution to the greater issue of your partner being a shit but it's practical stuff you can do in the meantime to save cash if you need it for other things...

He won't discuss how things will pan out during your Maternity Leave because he knows you will be easy to manipulate,with a Newborn.

You are having a Baby together, a level of planning is needed. You need to decide if you are prepared to leave the relationship. If so, it's ultimatum time.

Pregnant Women need reassurance, unless they are high earners etc. You should be able to get reassurance/support from your partner, or they aren't your Partner.

I can understand you going ahead with the pregnancy, if you want a child and this may be your last chance.

That's something positive to come out of this relationship, anyway.

My Son-in-law was a twat to my DD throughout her pregnancy. They've got back together (I'd rather they never), but deep down she'll never forgive him. It should be a happy time, baring bad news/illness. Your Partner should certainly never be the reason for avoidable stress.

It might be a better outcome for you and the Baby, if you Parent separately.

This is crap and unacceptable. I am really hoping his heart melts in every way when the baby comes and he realises you're all in it together!

Again, with all due respect, it's no good getting upset when you don't like whats written. It's not with malice, but trying to help you make the most of your situation.

You were obviously very lax with your contraception so it's no good saying this was a surprise. It sounds like your DP doesn't want another child otherwise he would be helping you with your maternity leave costs and purchases for the child.

Gin, that is a really nasty unnecessary response.

Ignore the bell ends on here OP.

Repost in Relationships- you'll get far more balanced views.

He's being a tight arse. But that may not be the end of the world, if he has innumerable other redeeming qualities.

Things may well change in his attitude when the baby's arrives.

Wishing you joy of your pregnancy and a life time of love with your Dc who is in their way!!

The truth hurts

Jojo, I've not read the whole thread but I really feel for you. Some of these replies are a bit harsh.

I became accidentally pregnant last year with my DS. The father is a complete waste of space. We were not in a serious relationship. I was just a bit cavalier with contraception. I really wanted a baby so I went for it anyway, and we are managing. I have a similar history to yours so I fully understand why you wanted to continue with the pregnancy. I am sorry that you are going through this with your partner. Pregnancy is a vulnerable time and decisions have to be made quickly and instinctively once you are in that situation. Stay strong and make sure you have good support from family and friends so you can make the right decisions regarding this man which may include going to CMS, whether to put him on the birth certificate etc. There is lots of helpful info on the gov.uk website. Good luck!

@LifeBeginsAtGin I had some pretty gnarly treatment last year to solve the root cause of my miscarriages, and was told I would likely never have children. That it was very unlikely I would even get pregnant. So you're right I didn't use contraception at all as the chances of getting pregnant were almost nil. I was told I was infertile. DP cried his eyes out as he was desperate for another child. He wants his daughter to have siblings and we had talked a lot before my treatment about having children. Nice guess though!

Tbh I’d dump him.

@LifeBeginsAtGin I would agree if what you said would've in fact been the truth! You're not a very nice person are you

Gin - the OP can't re-write history. She doesn't have a time machine. It's totally pointless you - and others - having a go at the OP for what has gone before because she can't bloody well change it!

She is pregnant NOW and moralising about "well you should have talked about it earlier blah blah blah" isn't helping one bit! How on earth is that helping?

OP is asking for advice about what to do NOW - not asking for people's opinions on what she should have considered 6 months ago!

OP - ignore the self-righteous. You now need to think of the best way to protect yourself and your baby, and come up with a Plan B. And be prepared to walk.

@Jojobelles Is there any chance your DP is feeling overwhelmed by everything you’ve gone through and now expecting? Could he be not wanting to jinx it or something. It’s no excuse for his unhelpful behaviour. But if the stinginess is out of character it may be something to think about, and try to talk about.
And btw MASSIVE CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy!!

Thank you teatime

You kidding me. This isn't a fashion accessory this if for his kid, he sired because he chose not to wear a condom. So bella, I'd say this ain't gonna change. Move out and tell him to FO. This is financial abuse. Tell his parents. Please tell me his age. He sounds 11. Keep an excel spreadsheet, don't tell him EVER how much cash you have and never rely on this tight fisted skin flint. What a mess. HE sounds awful. You should be having someone adore you right now.

OP - ignore the heartless trolls on this thread.
Do not respond to them.
They deserve no response at all.

For any future posts - please post in the relationships section.
It's much kinder there.

Generally this incident is a good indication of your future. So many posters are being very blunt because they've been there or read the thousands of posts about other men like this.

In brief the way this one goes is that all childcare is your responsibility. You wanted the baby so it is your job to pay for it. When you want to go back to work, the childminder and nursery wages will also come out of your wages.

Your maternity leave is you sitting around on your arse doing nothing all day so he will expect you to do absolutely everything and then some during that too.

Night wakings likewise. You wanted the baby therefore its your job to get up every single night forever. And every morning too.

Typically the money issue will just be the tip of the iceburg.

Trust me I'm a bright, well educated, wealthy woman and couldn't believe how much of an abusive wankbadger my husband proved to be. Like you a surprise pregnancy, but without all the miscarriages, and I couldn't believe my ears when he told me he wanted to abort at 17 weeks. We were already engaged pre-pregnancy, and had discussed "all this" first. The writing was on the wall but to me it seemed to be written in invisible ink.

There are lots of great online resources when you are ready to examine this situation a bit more. But for now you need to be thinking how to manage all this alone, whether or not you stay together.

HIBU BUT you know he really wants the child and he's very generous to his DD so I think it bodes well. I bet he'll fall in love with the baby and sort himself out. My DH of 40 years is a bit stingy but I just give a little laugh ( he can't possibly be serious ) and buy it anyway! I do think you should have a chat about ML though, it's no good guessing. Good luck and congratulations!!

I think I'd be honest, and say that his attitude is really upsetting you. You only want things for your baby to benefit from, you're not buying things for yourself and that his attitude is making you deeply unhappy and question your future together.

Perhaps a little kick up the backside might make him aware how much this hurts you? If it carries on though, it would make me question how much support he's going to give you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this when your pregnancy should be such a joy .