DP and money. Can't cope anymore. IHBU?

[JojoBelles]

19 weeks pregnant, looking for baby things. Suggested I bought a sling for the baby. He said he's not going to use it so I have to buy it myself. This is a constant and he's so selfish with money. It's £15 ffs. I told him it's not for me, it's for the baby. He can and should use it. Is anyone else dealing with a DP like this? He has a dd already who he spends a fortune on but I ask if we can buy one thing for £15 out of our joint account and he says no. I have to get it myself. I feel like walking out. I'm so far down the bottom of his list of priorities and feels like our baby is too.

For future reference OP, steer clear of AIBU. People are generally a lot kinder and more thoughtful over on the relationships board. I am also 19 weeks pregnant following miscarriages and understand what a whirlwind it can be.

I think people also don’t seem to realise how some men can and do change following a pregnancy and that this is the first time you have ever really asked him for financial assistance so didn’t know he’d be like this. Life is like this, you can never fully know a person regardless of how long they have been in your life. Also ARF at the marriage comment, it’s the 21st century but some people are clearly still catching up.

I agree with PP’s that advise not giving the baby his surname. You need to have a long, hard think about how much joy he actually brings you and whether it is worth staying together.

@JojoBelles I'm with you honey I've been there. Now a single parent.

PLEASE PLEASE ignore the self righteous trolls on here who get thrills from picking faults. It's a new trend it seems.

This man will never, ever change. Never. I can't imagine what you're going through having discovered this issue at 19 weeks pregnant. I had had my DD already.

If you'd like to talk, PM me. xx

"Suggested I bought a sling for the baby. He said he's not going to use it so I have to buy it myself."

Yeah that's what my husband said too and I said he would change his mind after she was born and now he's like "I want to buy a sling." I said okay but don't put it on the joint account.

That's only because I bought a Bjorn baby one carrier already but he wants a sling instead.

A lot of men don't seem keen on buying too many things early on in pregnancy. Hopefully that will change with your partner as well.

A breast pump is definitely a joint purchase though!

Please don't get upset OP... be kind to yourself and take your time making decisions ... you will be okay Lady

I’m sorry for your losses, surely at some point during your five pregnancies (I’m assuming lol with him) you said to him “right we have got to talk finances” and if he refused to, why didn’t you think he wasn’t father material?

If someone tells you who they are, listen.

I can't comment on your relationship as with all things context. My hubby use to look at me when I was pregnant and I was excitedly holding things up in the shops that I thought were a necessity. Pretty much he was right most of it was crap that I didn't need or could get cheaper or for free later on. You need to decide if your relationship is worth fighting for.

A lot of people don’t realise what their partners are like until they are in a situation like this, then they realise ‘this person doesn’t have my back at sll’

You are not idiotic at all! You only know he is a stinge-bag now because he is begrudging your baby something, and it’s made you see him for what he is.

You have never had to rely on him before so how could you possibly have known?

Anyway, there’s s few things going on here, one is the unfairness you feel about his treatment of his other child and your child and how unbalanced it is.
The other thing is a communication problem between the two of you.
You don’t seem to be talking the same language at all and you need a better system for communication.
The third one is the Money situation. You need to both be in agreement about that and that will take time and a lot of sit downs and diagrams.

Good luck and I hope you are ok. Go to counseling before the baby comes and best wishes x

Thanks to those being kind. Might have to come back to this thread later. I'm in bits.

I'm really sorry that you're having to deal with this at a time which should be so exciting and hopeful. I wish there was a way out which doesn't involve single parenthood for you, but I really doubt it.
I doubt he will see night feeds, extra washing or nappy changing to be his job either, so you will probably be better off without him. I think it's far worse to struggle while someone who could help you stands by and watches than it is to struggle because you are alone.

Awwwww Maybe go stay with parents? Family? Good friend? Talk it out with those you trust?

And/or start a new thread in Relationships? I'll keep an eye out and possibly see you there if so x

I don't think it helps OP to say this should have been talked about beforehand. She's in this situation now, so what should or shouldn't have happened in the past is irrelevant

Totally disagree with this. Its the same ad old story you see over and over again, women having children with deadbeat, irresponsible and/or abusive men. If it helps one women decide not to have a baby under these circumstances its worth it. It can also help stop the pattern of going onto similar relationships and having more children with these type of men. So highly relevant.

You need to somehow make him understand its not for you it's for the baby. Why would you need a sling without a baby? How does he know he won't use it? Some babies won't be put down.

I am so sorry for the way you’ve been spoken to on this thread OP, I’m absolutely disgusted with some of the previous posters.

Yes he should be sharing all of the costs of having a baby, it shouldn’t even be a query.

I’m so sorry that what should be a lovely and exciting time is being so tarnished by finding out that your partner is an arsehole. Hopefully when the baby comes along he will feel differently but even if he doesn’t, let it be his problem. He’s a miserable twat but you will have a beautiful baby who will bring you unimaginable joy.

Huge congratulations on your pregnancy and sending much strength to you if you decide that he’s just not good enough for you (he’s not by the way )

@LagunaBubbles Yes excruciatingly hurtful to OP!!!!!!!! There a time and a place!!!! If you feel that strongly, start a thread on it! Don't be cruel to someone suffering. A pregnant woman for gods sake!!!!

Apology for the “lol” in my post it was supposed to be “all”

Oh I meant to add that the fact he isn't tight with money with his DD is actually promising with regards to him providing for your child once born.

Some men seem to need to See the baby out of the womb for it to become real.

@LagunaBubbles there's a time and a place though. This isn't it. Put yourself in a position where you're told you might not ever have children and then tell yourself that you would 100% have a termination. Nobody can know what they'd do. It's not like deciding what to have for dinner. I'm in this situation now and asking for advice, not to be told what I should've done in the past.

Don't bother buying a breast pump. If you need one you can hire one; you'll only need to buy the bottles and sterile bits. Hired hospital-grade pumps are far more efficient than the ones on Amazon etc, and you're only likely to need them short-term.
And congratulations. :)

Sadly this is financial abuse. All costs incurred by you both in having and raising your child should be shared equally. This includes the costs you incur by being on maternity leave and later on, if you lose out on work promotions because you are doing the 'primary' caring for dc.

Please talk to your dp again. Find out if he really thinks it's reasonable for you to bear the cost of maternity leave etc and why. Don't allow him to say he'll always make sure you have enough. That's not good enough. You need to still have control over how money gets spent and not have him vetoing every little purchase just because it's not him that benefits.

I think when you say he won't talk about what happens when you are on maternity leave, this £15 is the straw that broke the proverbial camels back, now is the time to broach it, as you really need to know where you stand financially.

You need to make that conversion happen.

I agree that there are things that are bought and never used, I never used a sling, I didn't breast feed though it was my intention too. If he's been through this before, maybe he's aware of that? I don't know him though, you say he's tight, so this must go beyond the sling.

It's cards on the table time, you don't want to be doing this heavily pregnant. 19 weeks is late enough for this conversation, you need to know where you stand. Go in hard too, like with what YOU think is fair also tell him he's on shaky ground with you regarding money.

Good luck, hope he hears you and everything works out 💐

Also, his meanness may be fuelled by anxiety over the change on financial circumstances.
You also need to look together at how he divides his money between his little girl and your new baby.

Hi lass

Ok for one breathe and two sit down and relax

A - he is being a moron so if your entitled to any extra funds/benefits make sure it's in yourname and it does NOT go into the joint account - these are for the mother only.

If he isn't married to you then he only has certain rights and only if he supports - remind him of CSA and get the forms if he's being pissy.

All these decisions are causing hormonal meltdown, trust me I get it. Spent 10yrs trying and was told it was never happened - fell very ill in 2014 and daughter born in November 2014 as a total shock.

Big hugs from Scotland here - chin up and buy that bloody sling if you want and say if he isn't happy then split the money 5050 and close the account.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. He sounds immature and ill prepared for the realities of being a family unit.

Can I suggest going to a sling library for advice before buying a sling? Many parents buy high street narrow based carriers and find them very uncomfortable. A secondhand stretchy wrap can be bought on many fb groups for £10 to £15 and will be really comfy for you and baby. Apologies if you already know all this!

OP regardless of what you do, stay with him, leave him, whatever, please please ^protect yourself, protect your baby. Keep your wits about you. This is a very mean man. Don’t under estimate him. And definitely give the baby your surname. Do not negotiate on that.

@LagunaBubbles

But surely the reading of these threads themselves should be enough of a warning to women. Is there really any need to make an OP feel like crap and end up going off in tears, just to prove a point? I don't agree.

It's quite likely he didn't show his true colours before this so whats a woman to do? We're not psychic.

In a thread not long ago about men paying on a first date, I, along with numerous others, said that if he didn't offer to pay we'd see him as stingy (a bad sign for the future such as above scenario!) and got royally blasted by women who said you should always pay your own share. How sexist it was to assume a man should pay etc. We women just cannot win.

OP already stated she didn't see the issue until now as they'd always used their own money for things. How was she to know he'd forbid her from buying a £15 sling for gods sake!

So what, then we turn on each other for our "bad choices"?? We don't need men to put us down when we're so willing to do it ourselves.